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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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33 minutes ago, Another Statistic said:

I understand. I recognized myself in your yawp. That's exactly how I respond when I'm overwhelmed and sleep deprived. It was a psychologist that pointed that out to me. I had come to our appointment, talking a mile a minute, and was pissed off at everything. Her advice to me was: "Take 10mg of Ambien, get some sleep, and call me in the morning."

I did. My problems didn't disappear, but they sure seemed smaller when I woke up.

Be well. This too will pass. 🙂

I don't think I have trouble sleeping every day.  Most days I get enough but when you know you're waking up and spending the day with someone that abused you your whole life you're not getting much sleep.  I could have had a keg to myself and probably still wouldn't have gotten sleep.

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My mother in law kicked me out again, she passive aggressively stayed at her granddaughters place for three days and when hubby asked her to come back, she said I have to leave the house if he wants her to come back. I left that house a few times angrily but usually always come back to sleep there for the past two years since daughter came, cos it’s so unfair to give her instability. And now she really did kick me out again. Last time this happens was three or four years ago. Hello puffy eyes n sore throat n headache from crying every night. I hate how I’m physically ok with great parents with great food, when there’s so many people living in worse situations than mine, but I still feel my life is falling apart and still feel like dying. But what can I do? Get up, dust myself off, pick myself up, take one more step no matter how much I’m hurting from so many things around me. That’s all I can do 😞 

Sorry I have to keep writing my pathetic story here. I don’t know where else I can let this all out..my hatred towards myself is too much for me 😞 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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I feel better checking in here today.  Takes my mind off my problems and issues.

My heart goes out to those struggling and suffering.  

Edited by HeatherG
Just wrong wording
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16 hours ago, OvercomeProblems said:

Me, too. Except I fail at crying anymore because of trauma. But yeah. I feel this life of mine is too much. There are only nightmares when I'm asleep. People piss me off. Elites are making the world burn with oppressive censorship including oligarchic totalitarianism supported by military terrorism. Wars still happen. Nobody has made me feel hope for humanity. All of my wants aren't practical. My vision for a better world conflicts with that inner demon inside of me. So, I question myself. What good enough reason makes me wake up? What good enough reason makes me put on a smile? What good enough reason makes me not end it all?

I feel the same in some ways. Society today..tis sad how its going. Who knows if people will really wake up and get there crap together and help the world and everyone instead of destroying it. I don't follow Societies rules and maybe thats why people don't like me. There loss I suppose though for once in my life it be nice to talk to someone That I can relate too if not all, then respect, be kind too me and treated as an equal.

 

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47 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

My mother in law kicked me out again, she passive aggressively stayed at her granddaughters place for three days and when hubby asked her to come back, she said I have to leave the house if he wants her to come back. I left that house a few times angrily but usually always come back to sleep there for the past two years since daughter came, cos it’s so unfair to give her instability. And now she really did kick me out again. Last time this happens was three or four years ago. Hello puffy eyes n sore throat n headache from crying every night. I hate how I’m physically ok with great parents with great food, when there’s so many people living in worse situations than mine, but I still feel my life is falling apart and still feel like dying. But what can I do? Get up, dust myself off, pick myself up, take one more step no matter how much I’m hurting from so many things around me. That’s all I can do 😞 

Sorry I have to keep writing my pathetic story here. I don’t know where else I can let this all out..my hatred towards myself is too much for me 😞 

If it was me I would just stay and not say a word to her.  You don't really want her to come back do you?  People like her always win.  Wouldn't it be something to just stay and call her bluff?

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37 minutes ago, sober4life said:

If it was me I would just stay and not say a word to her.  You don't really want her to come back do you?  People like her always win.  Wouldn't it be something to just stay and call her bluff?

Thank u so much for replying. I really really want to do this. I wish I can do this but it’s actually her house, there was a lot of heated discussion and so many ideas put on the table, and this is what’s decided in the end. It’s not fair she always wins! Life is so unfair! 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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On 7/17/2021 at 6:18 PM, JD4010 said:

I want to go for a walk but it's hot and humid outside. Within three minutes of the start of the walk, I will become a sweaty mess. Other people go jogging or running in this weather and never break a sweat. I don't even need to be moving to sweat in this kind of weather. People look at me trudging down the sidewalk with sweat rolling off of my head and wonder if I'm going to keel over or something. I hate it.

Just another example of why I don't belong on this planet.

My brother, one sister and I all look like (as my brother has said) "science experiments," i.e., how can a person sweat this much with so little or so short a period of exertion?  Because we have EXTREMELY EFFICIENT COOLING SYSTEMS.  Most people DON'T, so they're the "science experiments," not us.

  

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My anxiety makes me sweat when I'm around a large group of people.  It used to bother me but I know if I stink from sweat it will keep people away so at this point it's a good thing.

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I finally got my masters grade back... an A-, im happy but still a little disappointed because an A- feels like a "congrats .. you tried" grade. But its good enough for a PhD. In four years ill be Dr Charlee 🤓

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6 hours ago, Shijima said:

I feel the same in some ways. Society today..tis sad how its going. Who knows if people will really wake up and get there crap together and help the world and everyone instead of destroying it. I don't follow Societies rules and maybe thats why people don't like me. There loss I suppose though for once in my life it be nice to talk to someone That I can relate too if not all, then respect, be kind too me and treated as an equal.

 

The people don't like you because they've been indoctrinated since birth to follow rules in their societies without very much critical thinking and questioning authority. Or they seem to not like you because their facades exist. Because some people will be dishonest for money, power, etc. Other people will lie in your face so they don't become shunned from their families or friends. I know that a person could get into an abusive relationship where their significant other tells them who they can and cannot be friends with. So, that abused person seems like they don't like some people because of their abusive significant other.

Most people have average intelligence and tend to cut corners in a short-sighted way. It's hard to make them wake up, especially when they're older. Old habits are harder to replace. You have a smaller population of people who have high intelligence that don't fit in with society unless they put on facades. Because society is designed to make predictable people. High intelligence is positively correlated with rebellious thinkers who question authority. Which is a gift in my opinion even if society makes it seem like some burden. Sadly, society has always been controlled by elites who oppress freethinking intellectuals. Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Socrates, Martin Luther King Jr, whistleblowers, outspoken journalists, Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and other people have been shunned, imprisoned, and/or killed. Because elites want to keep their puppets brainwashed and subordinated.

Good luck trying to find someone who's your equal.

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On 7/19/2021 at 10:01 PM, Another Statistic said:

God, I hope you find them. Even some crap motel in the middle of butt-fudge nowhere will help. 

The last place I went for a 'retreat' had shag carpeting on the walls. A gem. 😆🤮 But it had a little balcony where I could wrap up in blankets and watch the moon. And quiet. That'll be fine.

It just got postponed until my partner can be left alone...whenever that might be. I'm pretty much his only support. Leave of absence to file for social services? I don't know. Absolutely making it up as I go along.

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On 7/19/2021 at 5:35 PM, Svenetc said:

And my trust has been violated badly. So it is a B**** to get a view behind my facade or inside my heart .  Here I feel "safe" and I feel that I can talk when I want to and how about I feel without explaining anything. It helps a lot.  Maybe someday I can transfer that into my daily offline life. Just gotta find the right people and remove my "blindfolds" and "safety cushions "

Never thought I'd say this, as a total non-trusting introvert, but peer support groups (irl and online) have helped me far more than anything else. A few years back, it was an online network related to a medical issue I was having. Everyone's problems varied in certain ways, but the main lesson was how much the feelings around them were shared -- and these were people from around the world. I could feel for them what I'd shut down for myself. Then I quit drinking and went to addiction recovery groups locally. Again, these were people from all categories, who would probably never meet otherwise. When you start from a position of admitting some common struggle... maybe there's nowhere to go but up? I've had the best laughs of my life in recovery groups, after talking about the most tragic things *with others who know what it's like.* Those who just have no energy left for being anything but real. Doesn't happen much these days, but when it does it's healing. Including tonight, when I went there from the hospital. 

Yes, it's important to share with safe people. You can start slowly, and certainly trust your instincts. In a group, if you can, stay for "the meeting after the meeting," where those who sense things in common gravitate toward each other and can talk more privately. Who knows, someone else may be helped even by your listening. No obligation, though. If one meeting doesn't click, there are other types. These are the things that have kept me afloat, as well as possible.

Edited by juno_writes
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What do you get when you cross an adventurous spirit with a panic disorder? 

Nightjar's Travels. 

I gotta laugh you guys. I chose the hottest day of the year for an anxious 90 minute drive (country roads make me anxious) Schlepped through the town centre of my chosen destination a couple of times/Had some down time in the hotel room with the air con and calmed my beating heart a bit (best part of the trip) and then schlepped up the hill and along the river in the evening feeling mightily tired. As an extra holiday bonus I picked up a load of other people's rubbish and left it in my car 🤔

After my pretty exhausting day, I got back to my room and finally, I tried to get to sleep. I hadn't slept very well the night before and the bed was super comfortable and the room, very roomy. .

But sleeping?... No chance.... Waves of mini panic were consuming me as I pondered over ghosts (it was a very old building) being locked in overnight (the hotel doors were locked when I checked earlier in the day) and being completely locked down here in the event of a covid outbreak (I overheard someone outside my room saying 'We'll shut you down immediately. I'll let you know in the morning.'  😬)

Consequently, panicking quite a bit now, I decided to escape if possible, packed my bag in a flash, thankfully managed to get out of the now unlocked hotel door after semi frantically failing to get out of the locked public one and drove home at 2:15 am....😬🙄🤔😏😏

On a positive note the drive home was relaxing... No traffic and I could drive at my own pace 😂

I hadn't showered in the beautiful shower or slept in the bed.. I did enjoy the afternoon relaxation in there but that wasn't really what I was going for 🙄

I was glad at least that I wasn't with someone else (ie: my ex) who would have made a bad situation worse by shouting at me for this....and I was relieved to escape.

I suppose I didn't make things easy for myself by visiting on the hottest day on record and I do find the drive nerve wracking at times. The walking around in the heat was draining. Still, I was hoping I would enjoy it.... I did enjoy the novelty of the hotel room... But only in the afternoon 😬

... Jeez.... This is what happens sometimes when I try to enjoy myself 😬 (not all times thankfully 😂

This was my first solo hotel stay 😉😅😒🤔

 

 

Edited by Nightjar
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Seems I'm getting addicted to apple and juniper juice. I lack an outlet completely... nobody to talk to.
My family are impossible to talk to. My only friend will get triggered easily... and I can't get anybody else to talk to me.
Psychologist coming up next week... after almost two months of leave.
Truth be told I've been having an awful two months... I reality is being questioned, which person is which. I can't handle it.

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18 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Sorry I have to keep writing my pathetic story here. I don’t know where else I can let this all out..my hatred towards myself is too much for me 😞 

Edited 17 hours ago by Depressedgurl007

No need to apologise to us. Just let it out. That's what this place is for. Your situation is tough. I can empathise with having a lot of stress in your living situation and not feeling stable. It makes you feel very insecure when home is a car crash. I grew up like that. It's so hard to accomplish things when you are constantly 'fire fighting' at home. It takes up so much energy. 

I live alone now and it's tough, but preferable to being tormented in the place which is meant to be a safe space away from the world. It's lonely and boring but I have my own little base of security which is pretty priceless.. I just hope I don't disappear up my own a** and go completely mad from the isolation 😬  

Edited by Nightjar
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12 hours ago, Charlee said:

I finally got my masters grade back... an A-, im happy but still a little disappointed because an A- feels like a "congrats .. you tried" grade. But its good enough for a PhD. In four years ill be Dr Charlee 🤓

Yay! That's amazing. Well done on getting such an amazing grade 👌

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4 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Consequently, panicking quite a bit now, I decided to escape if possible, packed my bag in a flash, thankfully managed to get out of the now unlocked hotel door after semi frantically failing to get out of the locked public one and drove home at 2:15 am....😬🙄🤔😏

Ahahahahahaha! Our brains are so dumb sometimes!

MY BRAIN: Stuff is going down, you have to run right now!

ME: Huh?

MY BRAIN: STUFF. GOING DOWN. RUN!

ME: What stuff, I don't underst ...

MY BRAIN: STUFF, YOU IMBECILE! RUN NOW!

ME: Is it a bear? Is a safe going to fall on my head? Is it a Dracula?

MY BRAIN: NO TIME FOR THIS! RUNNNNNN!

ME: Okay. *starts running*

ME: Are we safe?

MY BRAIN: Oh yeah, false alarm. You should know better than to listen to me.

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12 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Yay! That's amazing. Well done on getting such an amazing grade 👌

Thanks ☺️ after sitting with it for awhile I’m now super stoked because it is a great grade and I still managed an A- while surviving the train wreck of 2020! And I’ve gotta keep reminding myself that I’m not perfect, and sometimes the expectations I’ve got of myself are a little unrealistic 

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13 hours ago, Charlee said:

I finally got my masters grade back... an A-, im happy but still a little disappointed because an A- feels like a "congrats .. you tried" grade. But its good enough for a PhD. In four years ill be Dr Charlee 🤓

The masters is a significant milestone, and A- is wayyyy better than a C, which, by definition, is what most folks are going to get!

If I was you I would be practicing writing out my new name and future honorific.

Doctor Charlee.

Dr. Charlee.

Charlee, PhD.

The future is bright for you, Miss Charlee, and it's going to be incredible. 🙂

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20 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

No need to apologise to us. Just let it out. That's what this place is for. Your situation is tough. I can empathise with having a lot of stress in your living situation and not feeling stable. It makes you feel very insecure when home is a car crash. I grew up like that. It's so hard to accomplish things when you are constantly 'fire fighting' at home. It takes up so much energy. 

Yes I agree with you Nightjar! @Depressedgurl007 I hope you’re ok 🤗 

not feeling safe, stable and secure in the place that’s meant to provide the most safety is awful 😞 

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7 minutes ago, Another Statistic said:

The masters is a significant milestone, and A- is wayyyy better than a C, which, by definition, is what most folks are going to get!

If I was you I would be practicing writing out my new name and future honorific.

Doctor Charlee.

Dr. Charlee.

Charlee, PhD.

The future is bright for you, Miss Charlee, and it's going to be incredible. 🙂

Thank you Mr Statistic!! 
My first year in undergrad I got mostly Cs and Ds, I’ve really worked so hard to turn it around. I’ve dreamed and cried so much about a PhD.. I can’t believe it’s becoming a reality instead of just a dream 🥲🥲🥲

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It’s 4am for me right now. I’ve been going through a period of vivid dreaming and they always seem to contain the people that have hurt and abused me in the past. It’s super unsettling how vivid they are.. and how after so many years my brain can still make me think these people are in my life and make me feel like the scared helpless person I was .. (and still am). 

So I’m avoiding going to sleep tonight because last nights one was triggering and did not make me feel good 😣

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