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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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11 hours ago, Svenetc said:

This what I see in my life as well. I blame myself for it and to a certain extend it was me causing it. How to get out of that I do not know. I feel like a pendulum doing it's Tik Tok between happy and unhappy , confidence and insecurity , hope and discouragement .... I just wait until it will stop. I for sure will not wind it back up to keep ticking and tocking.

I stopped blaming myself fifteen years ago. I am surrounded by toxic people so it is not my fault.  

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4 hours ago, roadking02 said:

In need of deep restful sleep which from working 13 hour days I need but my mind keeps wanting to wonder all the time. In fact this morning I pulled into a parking lot and fell asleep so I didn't make it into work this morning. Basically feel like I have been awake for the last 3 days. I've taken melatonin, tylenol PM and the ZZZquil stuff with no actual help with falling or staying asleep when I need to. My work hours are kinda crazy, 4:30am to 5pm so I try to be in bed by 8pm but never can fall asleep.  Basically have way too much stuff on my mind when I am trying to sleep. Yesterday I had a ton of caffeine... Literally only was running on star bucks doubleshot and awake chocolate bars at the very end of the day. All of that caffeine meant no sleep...

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time.  Yes you do need more rest.

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6 hours ago, juno_writes said:

Had a good weekend celebrating a couple of occasions with a few people I love. Getting along better with my partner / ex / companion (it's been complicated, obviously, but we've known and loved each other a long time). Also had to do home repair stuff and many errands, but with some rare happy events mixed in, I was feeling almost OK for an hour or two!

Then my partner had a stroke last night.

He's stable but has aphasia, meaning he can understand speech but can't form coherent sentences. Meaning brain damage. This quick-witted guy who loves to talk... just sent me 3 texts that were total word salad. I would be heartbroken, if I weren't already crushed too flat to feel.

No idea what the future holds. He can't work. We have no-one else. I'm already maxed out caring for both parents. I want to say I can't, I'm done. But now THREE people need me. How. Just &$#@ how.

Man oh man. Sorry to hear that. It's so difficult to be worrying about everyone around you and especially difficult when no-one is worrying about you. 

To be surrounded constantly by illness is soul destroying. There doesn't seem to be any light. I've had constant worry about my mom's health for the last twenty years because she has been in and out of hospitals with every dramatic illness you can think of. My dad suffers with his health more and more now too. So I understand a little bit about how you feel. 

I am trying to give myself a break and do something nice for myself tomorrow because misery has been my constant companion for a long time now. 

I realise it may be impossible to do anything for yourself while you're in the thick of it but take time for yourself where you can. Make time even. Even if it's a five minute meditation or walk. It's very important. 

Sending hugs your way. I think we need to start a campaign to bring back tribal living, the loads we carry are way too heavy these days.

Edited by Nightjar
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1 hour ago, duck said:

I am surrounded by toxic people so it is not my fault.

I see Duck , yet I think I " weeded out " the toxic people through out the last 1 1/2 years. I still go up and down .... all day long. Cant't help or control it .... all it takes is the wrong thought at the wrong time and my day is shot.   And I figured out, that I am the problem - yet can't solve it. I refrain to open up to others unless I trust them.

And my trust has been violated badly. So it is a B**** to get a view behind my facade or inside my heart .  Here I feel "safe" and I feel that I can talk when I want to and how about I feel without explaining anything. It helps a lot.  Maybe someday I can transfer that into my daily offline life. Just gotta find the right people and remove my "blindfolds" and "safety cushions " ... Than I will be ok I guess.

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Well, I've had plenty of anxiety today. It was telling me that I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I should just lay still and worry about myself all day 😬

... I didn't lay still and I actually had quite a good day for the most part.... Family time was difficult but hey, I did my best. I can't do any more than that. I've planned a trip for tomorrow with my first solo hotel stay 🏩 It's freaking boiling here so the air con is gonna be appreciated if nothing else 🤔 I hope I manage to enjoy myself 🤞

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59 minutes ago, Svenetc said:

I see Duck , yet I think I " weeded out " the toxic people through out the last 1 1/2 years. I still go up and down .... all day long. Cant't help or control it .... all it takes is the wrong thought at the wrong time and my day is shot.   And I figured out, that I am the problem - yet can't solve it. I refrain to open up to others unless I trust them.

And my trust has been violated badly. So it is a B**** to get a view behind my facade or inside my heart .  Here I feel "safe" and I feel that I can talk when I want to and how about I feel without explaining anything. It helps a lot.  Maybe someday I can transfer that into my daily offline life. Just gotta find the right people and remove my "blindfolds" and "safety cushions " ... Than I will be ok I guess.

I have been fortunate to have support groups in my town which I attend weekly.  I learned lots from them.  There are therapists on youtube which may help 🙂

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48 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Well, I've had plenty of anxiety today. It was telling me that I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I should just lay still and worry about myself all day 😬

... I didn't lay still and I actually had quite a good day for the most part.... Family time was difficult but hey, I did my best. I can't do any more than that. I've planned a trip for tomorrow with my first solo hotel stay 🏩 It's freaking boiling here so the air con is gonna be appreciated if nothing else 🤔 I hope I manage to enjoy myself 🤞

I thought its always cold and rainy on the island which interrupts my cricket matches 😃

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2 hours ago, Svenetc said:

I see Duck , yet I think I " weeded out " the toxic people through out the last 1 1/2 years. I still go up and down .... all day long. Cant't help or control it .... all it takes is the wrong thought at the wrong time and my day is shot.   And I figured out, that I am the problem - yet can't solve it. I refrain to open up to others unless I trust them.

And my trust has been violated badly. So it is a B**** to get a view behind my facade or inside my heart .  Here I feel "safe" and I feel that I can talk when I want to and how about I feel without explaining anything. It helps a lot.  Maybe someday I can transfer that into my daily offline life. Just gotta find the right people and remove my "blindfolds" and "safety cushions " ... Than I will be ok I guess.

That's always been my problem.  How can I find a place like this in real life.  I have gotten myself to a point where I have no fear around people I don't know.  Sadly once they start heading toward being my friend that's when I start to be afraid.

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10 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Sadly once they start heading toward being my friend that's when I start to be afraid.

That is exactly the point where I stall .....  Maybe you,  I and all the others dealing with that will overcome that somehow because it is no fun ... I wish anyways

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3 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I am trying to give myself a break and do something nice for myself tomorrow because misery has been my constant companion for a long time now. 

I realise it may be impossible to do anything for yourself while you're in the thick of it but take time for yourself where you can. Make time even. Even if it's a five minute meditation or walk. It's very important. 

Sending hugs your way. I think we need to start a campaign to bring back tribal living, the loads we carry are way too heavy these days.

You've been a good example of this during some very hard times. If I have 5 minutes, I waste them on something stupid like doomscrolling the news, because at least that takes attention away from things I don't want to feel. Nothing actually feels good -- and if it does, I'm now conditioned to expect a catastrophe, a theme that keeps getting repeated.

There's fear that if I let out whatever I'm holding back, idk, maybe it won't go back in. I have to function. There's so much pent-up traumatic crap inside that I feel like it needs an exorcism -- at least 2 or 3 days somewhere private. Been trying to do that for 6 months. Tomorrow I have to talk to my boss about (unpaid) time off.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I've been a hot mess from day 1 here, and you've been gracious. Thank you.

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4 hours ago, sober4life said:

I just want to hide in bed and cry at this point.  This life is trying everything it can to wipe me out.  I can't take one more thing.  

Me, too. Except I fail at crying anymore because of trauma. But yeah. I feel this life of mine is too much. There are only nightmares when I'm asleep. People piss me off. Elites are making the world burn with oppressive censorship including oligarchic totalitarianism supported by military terrorism. Wars still happen. Nobody has made me feel hope for humanity. All of my wants aren't practical. My vision for a better world conflicts with that inner demon inside of me. So, I question myself. What good enough reason makes me wake up? What good enough reason makes me put on a smile? What good enough reason makes me not end it all?

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7 hours ago, Another Statistic said:

S'up? Stuff under control? Wanna talk?

Things will be under control after today.  This life is just too much for me.  It's so hard!  It always seems like I'm being backed into a corner.  

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if i become angry for some reason my mom says directly to me go take your pills
i internally feel like wat the hell is this im not mad rn and its just stupid
oh god this cruel life always finds me to damage me internally everytime

Edited by DragonBallZ1995
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15 hours ago, duck said:

I thought its always cold and rainy on the island which interrupts my cricket matches 😃

Nope. We got 33 degrees C today 🥵 British weather is very changeable. We do have a lot of rain but we have a mixture of everything else thrown in for good measure. 

Edited by Nightjar
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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

That's always been my problem.  How can I find a place like this in real life.  I have gotten myself to a point where I have no fear around people I don't know.  Sadly once they start heading toward being my friend that's when I start to be afraid.

Yes, I get afraid as people get to know me too. Like surely they will see how defective I am if they get to know me better. That sucks. We deserve better from ourselves 🙄

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13 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Yes, I get afraid as people get to know me too. Like surely they will see how defective I am if they get to know me better. That sucks. We deserve better from ourselves 🙄

That's a huge challenge sometimes.  I avoid them sometimes.   If I am comfortable with them I keep in touch.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just cut the front lawn.  The battery has to be recharged then I will do the back lawn.

Edited by duck
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2 hours ago, duck said:

Just cut the front lawn.  The battery has to be recharged then I will do the back lawn.

Wow I've never used a battery powered mower.  Well I have used a battery powered weed eater.  No way.  It would take me 3 or 4 days to mow my yard if I had both of those right now.  I get too manic to wait for anything.

Edited by sober4life
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On 7/19/2021 at 7:46 AM, APFSDS said:

I fear if I experience one more loss-trauma, I'll tear myself apart. I never had anyone to talk to except psychologists and doctors... it's not enough. It just isn't.

I had quite a morning today; I was very angry and frustrated... threw away some shit, shouted a bit and demolished a few cups.

I'm very sorry you're going through that, I definitely can relate to you. I fear that every day still however I have a therapist now though no one else to really talk too. I would say my family  but they still don't understand me much or get my pain I feel each passing day. So I'm alone fighting still not giving up since I'm  more better with my journey to recovery. Though even if better I have no one to talk to about anything. I'm not like any girls/women out there in today's society. I'm unique and 100% genuine with others. Though people don't seem to like me for who I am, what I like and don't,  want and don't  want, interests, values,  beliefs and so on. All I can do is try and still work on myself and perhaps help others if I can.

Since people reject me  all the time, though what ever happens,  happens I suppose.

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33 minutes ago, Another Statistic said:

I understand. I recognized myself in your yawp. That's exactly how I respond when I'm overwhelmed and sleep deprived. It was a psychologist that pointed that out to me. I had come to our appointment, talking a mile a minute, and was pissed off at everything. Her advice to me was: "Take 10mg of Ambien, get some sleep, and call me in the morning."

I did. My problems didn't disappear, but they sure seemed smaller when I woke up.

Be well. This too will pass. 🙂

I don't think I have trouble sleeping every day.  Most days I get enough but when you know you're waking up and spending the day with someone that abused you your whole life you're not getting much sleep.  I could have had a keg to myself and probably still wouldn't have gotten sleep.

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My mother in law kicked me out again, she passive aggressively stayed at her granddaughters place for three days and when hubby asked her to come back, she said I have to leave the house if he wants her to come back. I left that house a few times angrily but usually always come back to sleep there for the past two years since daughter came, cos it’s so unfair to give her instability. And now she really did kick me out again. Last time this happens was three or four years ago. Hello puffy eyes n sore throat n headache from crying every night. I hate how I’m physically ok with great parents with great food, when there’s so many people living in worse situations than mine, but I still feel my life is falling apart and still feel like dying. But what can I do? Get up, dust myself off, pick myself up, take one more step no matter how much I’m hurting from so many things around me. That’s all I can do 😞 

Sorry I have to keep writing my pathetic story here. I don’t know where else I can let this all out..my hatred towards myself is too much for me 😞 

Edited by Depressedgurl007
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