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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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1 hour ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Why does everyday feel like a struggle. When will I ever go to bed happy

I ask myself the same question over and over again. I do not understand why I am doomed to be sad and unhappy all the time. There is not much I can change in my life . Maybe it is my destiny. As long as I know my kids are doing ok I am content. And for the rest of my surroundings I pretend to be ok and happy. Sarcasm is a wonderful weapon to have on hand. I hope you feel happy some day soon  and have days without a struggle ahead Gurl !

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On 7/1/2021 at 12:08 PM, Charlee said:

You did the right thing by putting her out of her misery. I believe animals know when its their time and she knew, you both knew. You did the right thing and she knows that. You didnt let her down, you gave her all the love you could, she knows that and you do too. You did the best you could and were with her till the end. You can forgive yourself now ❤️❤️

She was definitely poorly and we had a diagnosis so we had an idea that this would continue and possibly worsen. She was pretty much continuously in her litter box for number 2's and peeing around the house for 2 weeks. We had the odd day and night of peace and calm but she was keeping me awake night after night after night going into her litter box.

The lack of sleep is what did me in. I was already trying to recover from some serious anxiety and the lack of sleep felt unbearable to me. This is what I feel the guilt about. Mini lion was my most precious little angel. I loved her more than anything and my life basically revolved around her. And a big part of the reason I had her put to sleep is because I felt I couldn't cope. I thought I might lose my mind or have a heart attack. 

It's like I chose me over her. And I did this when I loved her so, so much. As a decent human being and as a mother I feel that maybe I should have done anything for her, including, I suppose, bearing sleep deprivation and daytime overwhelm with a dirty house to allow her to live on for longer. 

I felt afraid for myself. It felt unbearable. And I killed her. Or putting it a nicer way, I had her put to sleep.

Yes, she was suffering. But I feel she could have gone on for longer. I don't know how much longer would be fair to her but she might have gone into remission for a while for all I know. 

I just couldn't find any options to cope. She couldn't be away from me. Her separation anxiety was too bad. I couldn't close her off in any of my rooms, the house is too small and open plan. I couldn't expect anyone else to babysit overnight, my mother is ill herself and mini would have been too stressed with that anyway.

The soiling on everything was too much to deal with though I had a little help with that from my mom. But, to give you an idea, I still haven't caught up and it's been 2 weeks. 

I'm trying to reframe it in my mind but I'm finding it hard to be kind to myself. It was all pretty traumatic. I suppose I did what I felt I had to do but I loved her so much.. I feel like I let her down. 

At the moment It feels like every day of good that I did has been wiped out by that one last deed. 

On a positive note I did my absolute best for that cat on every other day. I never raised my voice to her, I protected her fiercely, I gave her masses of love, I played with her regularly and catered to her every whim. I gained her love and trust when she had been abandoned by her previous humans. It took a long, long time. 

Last year, we had, like a golden year. I was at home with her even more than usual because of covid and she'd never been more happy and relaxed. You can really see it in the photos I took. It was the pinnacle of our time together and very special. I really hope that I can hold onto that sooner rather than later and remember fondly what we achieved. 

 

Edited by Nightjar
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On 7/1/2021 at 3:56 AM, Charlee said:

Woo! what sort of group did you go to? 

glad you went 🙂 

It was a mental health meet up. I'm glad I did it. It was tiring but well worth it. It helped me feel better for a little bit 👍 Yesterday I felt ok for the first time in a while. I'm not feeling so great today but eh, I know it helped. 

Edited by Nightjar
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24 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

It was the pinnacle of our time together and very special. I really hope that I can hold onto that sooner rather than later and remember fondly what we achieved

As sad as all that is - and I feel for your loss ! -  ... you had a great time with you mini . I went through the same misery about 15 years ago. We had a Main Coon since she was a baby and she became my oldest sons "personal attachment" ... we all loved her and she was a Joy for everyone. However she became sick after maybe 4 years and we did not know why. All she did was laying in the litterbox and "vegetated" . She lost weight. We had 3 cats then , 2 female and 1 male . Turned out the male ate all the food and Rain was not getting enough food. So we had her at the Vet and she was malnourished and dehydrated . Even though we had all day access to food and water. She did not take enough. We had to inject a solution under her skin twice a day with a syringe for weeks. ( heartbreaking task ! ) and it did not help. Evtl. we had to put her down and give her peace. That was overwhelming for all 4 of us. But we did it for Rain. She was miserable and we had to help her. But the Fun time we had with her ...we will never forget.  I hope you will find a new " Lion " and all the happiness that comes with it soon. 

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2 hours ago, Svenetc said:

She was miserable and we had to help her.

Sorry to hear about Rain. But I agree with you, it doesn't take away the good times. It's still worth it. I'm struggling a lot with the guilt and feeling like I didn't do enough, y'know. I know how common this feeling is. It was no kind of a life we were living, I've gotta admit. 

I have this thing in my head about if she was human, I woudn't have done it. Couldn't have done it in fact. And I feel like I should have found some way of dealing with it to let her be here for longer. I loved her a lot and wanted the best for her. But still, it was no kind of life for either of us. 

Thanks for reaching out. 

 

Edited by Nightjar
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8 hours ago, Nightjar said:

It was a mental health meet up. I'm glad I did it. It was tiring but well worth it. It helped me feel better for a little bit 👍 Yesterday I felt ok for the first time in a while. I'm not feeling so great today but eh, I know it helped. 

I hope you keep going to the group and make lots of friends and I hope you stop being so hard on yourself.  Be happy get a wonderful life.  It's what mini would have wanted for you.  Please stop being so hard on yourself.:hugs:

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6 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I hope you keep going to the group and make lots of friends and I hope you stop being so hard on yourself.  Be happy get a wonderful life.  It's what mini would have wanted for you.  Please stop being so hard on yourself.:hugs:

Thankyou Sober, that means a lot. I wish you could come to the group too. I think you'd like it 🙂

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8 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I have this thing in my head about if she was human, I woudn't have done it. Couldn't have done it in fact. And I feel like I should have found some way of dealing with it to let her be here for longer. I loved her a lot and wanted the best for her. But still, it was no kind of life for either of us.

This has haunted me too -- it's an awful responsibility. There will always be limits to our resources (so no end to the potential guilt). If you'd had that heart attack/breakdown and she'd ended up at a shelter, what would have been her fate then? She knew how much you loved her. 💛

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16 hours ago, Nightjar said:

It was a mental health meet up. I'm glad I did it. It was tiring but well worth it. It helped me feel better for a little bit 👍 Yesterday I felt ok for the first time in a while. I'm not feeling so great today but eh, I know it helped. 

But was it just a mental health group in general? Ive been looking up support groups in my area and it seems like theres one for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, everything but no general, so I dont really know what id fit into since I (im sure like all of us) dont just suffer from a single mental illness 🤷🏼 was there rules or anything? ive never been to ne but im so intrigued. Are you going to go back? 

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16 hours ago, Nightjar said:

She was definitely poorly and we had a diagnosis so we had an idea that this would continue and possibly worsen. She was pretty much continuously in her litter box for number 2's and peeing around the house for 2 weeks. We had the odd day and night of peace and calm but she was keeping me awake night after night after night going into her litter box.

The lack of sleep is what did me in. I was already trying to recover from some serious anxiety and the lack of sleep felt unbearable to me. This is what I feel the guilt about. Mini lion was my most precious little angel. I loved her more than anything and my life basically revolved around her. And a big part of the reason I had her put to sleep is because I felt I couldn't cope. I thought I might lose my mind or have a heart attack. 

It's like I chose me over her. And I did this when I loved her so, so much. As a decent human being and as a mother I feel that maybe I should have done anything for her, including, I suppose, bearing sleep deprivation and daytime overwhelm with a dirty house to allow her to live on for longer. 

I felt afraid for myself. It felt unbearable. And I killed her. Or putting it a nicer way, I had her put to sleep.

Yes, she was suffering. But I feel she could have gone on for longer. I don't know how much longer would be fair to her but she might have gone into remission for a while for all I know. 

I just couldn't find any options to cope. She couldn't be away from me. Her separation anxiety was too bad. I couldn't close her off in any of my rooms, the house is too small and open plan. I couldn't expect anyone else to babysit overnight, my mother is ill herself and mini would have been too stressed with that anyway.

The soiling on everything was too much to deal with though I had a little help with that from my mom. But, to give you an idea, I still haven't caught up and it's been 2 weeks. 

I'm trying to reframe it in my mind but I'm finding it hard to be kind to myself. It was all pretty traumatic. I suppose I did what I felt I had to do but I loved her so much.. I feel like I let her down. 

At the moment It feels like every day of good that I did has been wiped out by that one last deed. 

On a positive note I did my absolute best for that cat on every other day. I never raised my voice to her, I protected her fiercely, I gave her masses of love, I played with her regularly and catered to her every whim. I gained her love and trust when she had been abandoned by her previous humans. It took a long, long time. 

Last year, we had, like a golden year. I was at home with her even more than usual because of covid and she'd never been more happy and relaxed. You can really see it in the photos I took. It was the pinnacle of our time together and very special. I really hope that I can hold onto that sooner rather than later and remember fondly what we achieved. 

 

im sorry you're experiencing all of this, its heart breaking and ive no idea what id do if it was my poppy that was suffering this badly 😞 you did the best you could, you did all you could. I wish I could help ease your guilt and grief :console:

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4 hours ago, Charlee said:

But was it just a mental health group in general? Ive been looking up support groups in my area and it seems like theres one for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, everything but no general, so I dont really know what id fit into since I (im sure like all of us) dont just suffer from a single mental illness 🤷🏼 was there rules or anything? ive never been to ne but im so intrigued. Are you going to go back? 

No real rules, except for covid distancing and a very small fee. It's a great group, award winning in fact. I guess I got lucky. It is for 'general' mental health sufferers but, like you say,  issues tend to overlap don't they. 

It's peer led and tends to be centred around activities which is fantastic because it takes the pressure off. I did a walk and talked to 3 people, one and two more than the other one cos we clicked a bit more. Issues were mentioned but not the absolute focus which made things a little lighter and easier to deal with. 

I would recommend it... I just looked for something online and found this one. It helps that I live in a big city and things like this are readily available. Bonus points for city living 👍

I think I will go back and maybe do a walk once a week though there are many other activities going on throughout the week. I imagine some people really dive into it and get loads of socialising time this way 🤔

Edited by Nightjar
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9 hours ago, juno_writes said:

This has haunted me too -- it's an awful responsibility. There will always be limits to our resources (so no end to the potential guilt). If you'd had that heart attack/breakdown and she'd ended up at a shelter, what would have been her fate then? She knew how much you loved her. 💛

Thankyou. That's really helpful to hear 💜

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On 7/1/2021 at 2:26 PM, Another Statistic said:

I've become used to 6 months of winter, 2 months of pre-winter, two months of post-winter, and two months of other - where the temp stays happily around 25. This heatwave is threatening to my well-cultivated pasty skin-tone. 😄

I can relate as I come from a place with miserable weather almost year round. From October - April it could literally snow at any moment. And not stop for hours on end…really bad storms have gone on for days with multiple feet of snow. Winter is otherwise dark, cold, harsh and really depressing.  Spring and Fall are mostly gloomy and cool. And even summer isn’t great. Lots of humidity and up and down temps. Rarely hits 90 degrees here..maybe once or twice a year…I wish we had warmer temps believe it or not.

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Despite my boss not bothering to tell me that she was on vacation last week and waiting until the last minute to let me know my time off request was approved…I got the approval and heading to a place I enjoy visiting and have visited many times in the past. Not really sure how this is going to go since I am miserable right now and struggling but I have only taken one vacation day this year so far back in February so I really need the time off from work. And I know the city I am going to well…been there many times and will be visiting some of the usual spots. We will see.

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I feel really sad and down and depressed, such a heavy sadness. I had planned to wake up early and go for a walk and do some yoga and do my washing but that didnt happen. now its mid afternoon and im still in my pjs just.... moping around. I really want to help myself out of this. But that requires energy and knowing it will get better. I dont feel any of that right now, so attempts to feel better feel pointless because I cant see a future where im "better". What a sad life I lead. 

On a side note I had a bath and did my nails last night and those small acts made me feel a little better ...

its like ive got to balance an act of feeling good with an act of misery

Edited by Charlee
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16 hours ago, Nightjar said:

No real rules, except for covid distancing and a very small fee. It's a great group, award winning in fact. I guess I got lucky. It is for 'general' mental health sufferers but, like you say,  issues tend to overlap don't they. 

It's peer led and tends to be centred around activities which is fantastic because it takes the pressure off. I did a walk and talked to 3 people, one and two more than the other one cos we clicked a bit more. Issues were mentioned but not the absolute focus which made things a little lighter and easier to deal with. 

oh interesting, I imagined it would be like we see on the TV, everyone sitting in a circle and sharing if they want to. Im going to try and find a group, I just worry that if I went to one for say depression I wouldn't be able to talk about any other struggles.... mental anguish is confusing tbh I dont know what the correct things to say are or how to best describe my feelings or if what im even feeling is real. Thanks for the info. I hope today is good for you! 🙂 

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

There are lots of interesting animals where I'm going.  My trip is technically a trip to see family but I can see me going off by myself taking walks every day exploring.🤔

seeing new animals is always a highlight!

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7 hours ago, Charlee said:

I had planned to wake up early and go for a walk and do some yoga and do my washing but that didnt happen.

I feel you. I have had so many days like this... Then ocd/anxiety/depression stop me in my tracks. And the pj's till the pm is pretty standard for me too 😂

 

7 hours ago, Charlee said:

On a side note I had a bath and did my nails last night and those small acts made me feel a little better ...

Yeah, I think we have to celebrate our little wins. I read somewhere once that we shouldn't expect perfection from ourselves when we are suffering from depression. Yet we do. I see every act I make as an achievement because it takes so much more energy for me to do things than it does for the average person. 

And yeah, maybe to them my life looks pitiful. But to me, it's something quite important! Lol. We are worth the effort 🤗

As a side note, I was brought up with zero responsibilities. I didn't learn to manage things like housework till much later in life. Or even do much of anything besides schoolwork and exercise. It didn't help me to become an efficient householder in a hurry, that's for sure. Thankfully, I still struggle a bit but I do better now. Have you participated in washing/cleaning etc before or is this all new for you too? 

Edited by Nightjar
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7 hours ago, sober4life said:

There are lots of interesting animals where I'm going.  My trip is technically a trip to see family but I can see me going off by myself taking walks every day exploring.🤔

That sounds fantastic. I hope you have an awesome time. I get the feeling you're gonna love it 💜

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