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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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58 minutes ago, Another Another Statistic said:

I'm still in DF purgatory.

Yes, I've been curious about that. I marvelled at your ability to delete everything. I wanted to do that myself at one point but mods said no 🤔 

58 minutes ago, Another Another Statistic said:

we were both miserable

This was the case for us too. 

 

58 minutes ago, Another Another Statistic said:

If it's any consolation, I think you did right by Mini.

It is nice to hear that although it's never gonna feel 'right' or 'good'. If it's any consolation to you, in my experience there is always guilt when a loved one dies. 

Thankyou for putting your toe out of purgatory for me n mini. 

Edited by Nightjar
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16 hours ago, cherryapplez2020 said:

Feeling miserable it got up to 115 ish here today in the lovely state of Oregon 😑

I mowed the yard today.  It was so hot and humid here it melted off the black paint on the steering wheel and my hands were covered in the black paint.😒

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On 6/27/2021 at 2:40 PM, Svenetc said:

 I think people in this forum know more about my inside than anyone out there - but a very few. I would like to put more energy in actual life rather then into ways to " hide" myself.

That's it. I don't want to complain about stigma while adding to it by pretending that everything's fine. With certain family members (and most of the time at work), the full mask has to stay on. Other times, I've nudged myself to be more open and found that most people have dealt with some heavy stuff in their lives, even if their baggage looks different from mine. 

But there are some details that people probably won't understand if they haven't been there. I'm afraid they'd fixate on one weird symptom ("you lived without a fridge for HOW long?") and not see the determination (and, yes, health somewhere inside) that it takes to keep semi-functioning anyway.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I mowed the yard today.  It was so hot and humid here it melted off the black paint on the steering wheel and my hands were covered in the black paint.😒

😑 sorry sober 

it’s just hot today 115 it’s like 112 right know

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Gonna have to go to work today. It wouldn't be too awful if I just didn't go as there is no contract yet etc.
When I'm in a good mood, I'm ok... but now I feel like snot.

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9 minutes ago, APFSDS said:

Gonna have to go to work today. It wouldn't be too awful if I just didn't go as there is no contract yet etc.
When I'm in a good mood, I'm ok... but now I feel like snot.

Hey APFSDS! I remember I use to call you the man of many letters because of your username lol.

I haven't talked to you in a while. How have you been?

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7 minutes ago, idkusername465 said:

Hey APFSDS! I remember I use to call you the man of many letters because of your username lol.

I haven't talked to you in a while. How have you been?

Hey 🙂 I've been up and doon. And you? How are you?

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13 hours ago, Nightjar said:

In a lot of pain again today. It's in my chest and stomach. I didn't grieve like this for my previous cat but mini was my baby. I'm doing my best to keep going, get washed, eat, walk and sleep but I'm not doing much more. 

I'm at the lake, hoping that a walk will help with the pain again. 

I can imagine, grief is weird, its just the weirdest thing to love someone who isn't there anymore (cat or human!) it cant be explained, the feelings make no sense, hope you're doing alright ❤️ im going to be a wreck when its finally time for me to say goodbye to my girl 

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4 hours ago, juno_writes said:

I don't want to complain about stigma while adding to it by pretending that everything's fine

YES the stigma is real but I'm also contributing to it because I am too scared to tell anyone what living in my head is like and I keep myself locked away because I cant deal with anything and i'm too scared to make friends because im too scared to be venerable and intimate with anyone, that trust factor is a necessary part of surviving in this world and making human connections but ...... its just too difficult and I fully get what you're saying here. I fully mask up to everyone except my cat. Even my closest friends (I do actually have two but they don't live in my city) who know a lot but don't know everything because its too frightful to share. I have to keep reminding myself that we all have baggage, we all make mistakes and were all just trying to figure out this world, but its hard, its really hard. 

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ive been quiet lately because I haven't had the energy to share, one of my friends actually came up for a visit and stayed a night with me and it was so nice to not be alone for a night, to have someone to talk to, to feel like i'm not alone. Ive been dealing with that reality lately, feeling absolutely alone and that I have no one to truely talk to about all the nightmares going on in my head. It's a real struggle, being so lonely and so paralysingly depressed and anxious at the same time. 

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On 6/25/2021 at 2:28 AM, sober4life said:

I wish I could be normal.  It's taking everything in me to fight back a panic attack because of a hair appointment.  What has happened to me.  I can't do anything easy anymore.  Everything is like climbing a mountain when I'm alone in the world.  I go through every moment of life with the thought that everything has to go perfectly or this will all be over.  It's too much pressure for someone that some days thinks they can't even make it down to the mailbox.  When mom was here I still tried to do everything for us but I had someone there if I wasn't able to do it.  Now nobody is going to care what happens to me and that's a very scary feeling.

I feel this. Its exactly how im feeling right now. I cant do the simple things because ill have a panic attack, the anxiety is too much, I have to put the bins out tonight and thats a minor thing that any "normal" person can do without a second thought but I cant. I cant go out into the kitchen to cook even though im hungry because the anxiety is too much and ive no energy for anything, or I just cant be bothered because what's the point in trying to care for someone you dislike so much. Im so alone that I worry if I died somehow no one would care, if I died in my room no one would notice until I start to smell because I'm not very close with my roommates, its a very sad and terrifying life. (this went from 0 to 100 real quick ... sorry) hope you're alright sober. 

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Hi Charlee,

I'm very sorry for the recent loss of your beloved cat. Grief is one of the most difficult feelings.  I wanted to tell you I am missing my little Biscuit who was 10 years.  She went to heaven 6 weeks ago and it is so hard.  She and I were so close.  She was my confidant, best friend and my baby. I cry when I think of her not being here and I probably always will.  Try to not expect so much from yourself if you can. You deserve to feel better about yourself.  Your going through a lot in your life from everything I read here.  I've learned that I have always had totally unrealistic expectations for myself and for others too. You are as good as anyone else even if you get nervous about a hair appointment.  I can relate to that and to having fears about many things that someone else might take for granted.  But other people have fear, doubt and insecurities.  Maybe to different degrees.   My feelings are intense whether they are anxiety,  angry, sadness or happy etc. This is a world filled with flawed people. many of us dealing with different degrees of mental illness trying to make the best of the day.  When I remember I'm as good as anyone else, not better or less than, I have a chance at a pretty good day.  In spite of myself.

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41 minutes ago, Pray for Peace said:

Hi Charlee,

I'm very sorry for the recent loss of your beloved cat. Grief is one of the most difficult feelings.  I wanted to tell you I am missing my little Biscuit who was 10 years.  She went to heaven 6 weeks ago and it is so hard.  She and I were so close.  She was my confidant, best friend and my baby. I cry when I think of her not being here and I probably always will.  Try to not expect so much from yourself if you can. You deserve to feel better about yourself.  Your going through a lot in your life from everything I read here.  I've learned that I have always had totally unrealistic expectations for myself and for others too. You are as good as anyone else even if you get nervous about a hair appointment.  I can relate to that and to having fears about many things that someone else might take for granted.  But other people have fear, doubt and insecurities.  Maybe to different degrees.   My feelings are intense whether they are anxiety,  angry, sadness or happy etc. This is a world filled with flawed people. many of us dealing with different degrees of mental illness trying to make the best of the day.  When I remember I'm as good as anyone else, not better or less than, I have a chance at a pretty good day.  In spite of myself.

It is actually @Nightjar thats recently lost her cat, but i'm sorry about the loss of yours, mine is 10 years old as well and I will be absolutely devastated when it's her time. We are incredibly close too, having to say goodbye to your best friend is devastating and im sorry you had to do that (as well as you @Nightjar). 

Your words still resonate with my current situation, I do try to remind myself that ive just as much right to inhabit this earth as anyone else does. Ive had unrealistic expectations of myself as well, im trying to be kind and give myself the compassion id show someone else rather than berate myself and be mad for not being able to do something I think others could just do.. im trying to remind myself that we all have shit, and struggle in different ways. Thank you for your words 🙏❤️

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10 hours ago, Charlee said:

I feel this. Its exactly how im feeling right now. I cant do the simple things because ill have a panic attack, the anxiety is too much, I have to put the bins out tonight and thats a minor thing that any "normal" person can do without a second thought but I cant. I cant go out into the kitchen to cook even though im hungry because the anxiety is too much and ive no energy for anything, or I just cant be bothered because what's the point in trying to care for someone you dislike so much. Im so alone that I worry if I died somehow no one would care, if I died in my room no one would notice until I start to smell because I'm not very close with my roommates, its a very sad and terrifying life. (this went from 0 to 100 real quick ... sorry) hope you're alright sober. 

I have to get my car serviced today.  I guess the hardest part is even getting to the time on the clock where I can leave.  I have no idea how to get from one point in time to another point in time in a stable way.  So why not make the appointment earlier someone will say.  Well if it's too early I won't sleep.  If it's too late I'll be too tired by the time the appointment gets here.  Then the thoughts of having to sit in the waiting room for an hour are terrifying.  Will I even be able to make it home after the stress of the appointment is over is the next thought.  People honestly think I'm doing really well right now but it's all make believe.  It's just pure luck this has lasted this long.

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Well, I'm feeling shaky, like the edges of my reality are blurry but I have a little bit more energy today. I managed to get a couple of chores done. I'm not feeling back to 'myself' but it's a start.  Lonely,  as usual. Hoping that the meet up group tomorrow might help. I will of course let you all know how that goes 😬 

Feel ugly too. I have a thing about that when I feel down or vulnerable. I start to feel like I'm hideous to look at. Part of me knows that's not true but it's how I feel 😔

Oh, and I'm fed up of being this devestated, traumatised person. When the hell am I gonna catch a break huh? 

Edited by Nightjar
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i really don't know ...i think the meds the doctor gave me might be doing something, i feel a bit less anxious.. but it's a small dosage, now i'm waiting for results because they said it could take weeks/months...i hope everyone is doing well

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10 hours ago, TheLoneliestWolf said:

How am I feeling right now? Well, I feel lonely, hungry, ugly, anxious. I could probably go on, but I'll leave it there.

how im feeling right now too, *offers comfort hug* (more for me because im incredibly sad right now and I really need a hug)

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I showered last night and today (go me) and I cleaned my room and the house (also go me).

Im going to try and get my life back together, im still waiting for my masters grade back but I had always planned on doing a PhD after so Im going to get my application together and talk to my supervisor again and actually go back to work again. Im going to try. I can exist with depression and anxiety, I can. I'll at least try too. 

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On 6/28/2021 at 5:12 PM, sober4life said:

I mowed the yard today.  It was so hot and humid here it melted off the black paint on the steering wheel and my hands were covered in the black paint.😒

Very hot here as well.  We are under a heat dome.  Too hot for humans.

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6 hours ago, idkusername465 said:

 I just recently started a new job so I'm trying to adjust to that. 

Congrats!  I wish you well. 🙂

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