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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I've lost the connection with my house at the moment. It was mini's house more than anything. It's grubby and I can't bring myself to do much about it. I went to the cat shelter earlier just to be around cats but it's still closed from covid... Being around life is what's helpful to me at the moment.... 

I'm at another park today. Walking has definitely been helping too.

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

The answer for me has been because of people every day so far!

That is exactly my answer to the same question ....the only people I can be open with is right here and on wire or I just close up and keep my thoughts for myself. Kinda sucks but it is my choice or my destiny I guess.

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I've been in a lot of pain today, especially earlier on. I just wish I could have done more for mini. I feel guilty but the situation was unbearable... Complete sleep deprivation and continuous mess over every bed, chair and fabric in the house. It was a whirlwind of washing I was unable to keep on top of. She was crying and frightened too. But those moments of peace were blissful. Problem was they were almost non existant at the end. 

I've had some tears about what she went through but I'm mostly feeling the pain of her loss. Also completely lost at home. I just don't want to be there any more. 

If I could walk away forever, I probably would. 

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On 6/24/2021 at 11:59 PM, iWantRope said:

This goes to @Depressedgurl007 too.

Jobs/employment are for people with zero mental health issues whatsoever. If you have been diagnosed with depression, apply for disability! Unless disability does not exist in your country for mental health reasons, only for physical disabilities?

Not sure how it works here…probably depends on what state one lives in. My state is a nightmare of a place to live and to deal with so I am guessing the process is not an easy one. I might be soon reaching the point of just straight up quitting without having a new job lined up. I would be ok financially doing that at least for awhile.

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8 hours ago, Svenetc said:

That is exactly my answer to the same question ....the only people I can be open with is right here and on wire or I just close up and keep my thoughts for myself. Kinda sucks but it is my choice or my destiny I guess.

I can so relate. Posting here and a few other places is where I can speak openly and honestly. I had a really heavy “gripe” session with my therapist the other day and was happy to get some things off my chest but there are some avenues I don’t even want to go down when speaking with him. No friends at all and most of my family...just does not get it and lately I seem to feel worse when I say anything.

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Just going through the motions of day to day life (especially my job) right now. Even today, on a weekend…went to the store and lunch at a favorite place of mine and it brought me no joy whatsoever. Leaving the house, since it is such a rare occurence these days (Monday-Friday I am basically a shut in since I work from home and I do not drive) usually at least perks me up a little bit. But not today, in fact I feel even more down since returning home.

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1 hour ago, monicott17 said:

I can so relate. Posting here and a few other places is where I can speak openly and honestly. I had a really heavy “gripe” session with my therapist the other day and was happy to get some things off my chest but there are some avenues I don’t even want to go down when speaking with him. No friends at all and most of my family...just does not get it and lately I seem to feel worse when I say anything.

I don't have any friends either and family they might as well be prison guards.  They stop by to do wellness checks but they're hoping it's the last time they have to do it every time.  I'm sure they're angry I've kept it together for so long.  I'm getting in the way of their lives.

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3 hours ago, monicott17 said:

But not today, in fact I feel even more down since returning home

At least you tried to find some joy by going out even though it did not work for you at this time.

Maybe next time will be better.

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Had my cardiologist stuff done yesterday and things are now to the point that my heart literally can no longer handle the current work environment I am in. The odd hours, extreme lack of sleep and lastly the heat simply continues to make my blood pressure be consistently high all the time. Even with blood pressure medicine while I was at work today it shot up and I had to go home. My cardiologist told me that I needed to seriously start looking for other jobs, also told me to see a therapist of some kind because part of why it's so high is from anxiety and stress levels. My aorta valve is stable and has been for several years but my blood pressure certainly is completely out of control. Mainly the bottom number is always high like in the 90's constantly.

This morning I went in at 4am, was there for maybe 2 hours got extremely short of breath because of the heat which was about 80 degrees or more. That alone made everything shoot up and while I did go home, slept a bit it's still blood pressure is still high. What I worry about mostly is what I am going to do for trying to find a new job. Ideally need to be in an office job and while I have some experience in computers and software and was going to college for a networking degree years ago I simply have never had a job in that kinda stuff.

While I never have worked in retail I just might have to try and get a job at Costco but then again in general insurance stuff is what I am most concerned with compared to my current job which has really good benefits. For the moment I am taking everything in and figuring it out as I continue to go along on ride called life.

This afternoon one of the managers called me and let me know that I shouldn't worry about my PTO time for my medical issues. I will say that they're fully aware of my medical issues, proud of the fact that despite of what I have been through I do not let it get me down. In fact my manager told me that when that time does come for me to leave my job or simply can no longer work that I shouldn't worry about it looking bad or anything like that. I worry about a lot of things, like everyone else.

Everyone wants a sense of belonging, I have always struggled with it especially as an adult now. Everyone wants to be successful, however everything in my life has slowly fell off. Relationships? Well besides being with Natalie I have never been with anyone else. If I knew she would wreck my life literally then I would've never bothered with her in the first place.

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I feel empty inside. I question why I'm alive. I don't want to **** myself but I don't want to continue living. This life is so mundane. Happiness doesn't last long. People always constantly disappoint me. I literally can't trust anyone. I've been let down too much in this life time to feel comfortable opening up to anyone but yet I also feel so alone with the burden of my own feelings. I wish I had someone to talk to. Everytime there is someone that offers an ear to listen I feel like they don't actually really care. It makes me question why people ask me to begin with if they genuinely don't care. I don't even trust people that ask me anymore because they don't really mean it once I start talking. I feel even more hurt from the human race as a whole once I open up to someone and they tune out....why is this world so cruel? I just want to die.

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I’m on my way to my mum’s place with my daughter. I think my marriage is over. He has said he wants to divorce me three times now and I should just leave it as that. This have happened a number of times without my daughter n I always regret n keep thinking of how to go back n make amends. I think I should just pick my life up as a single mother from today onwards. I don’t want to keep thinking of moving back ever again. I’m done. 

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5 hours ago, crewneck said:

Everytime there is someone that offers an ear to listen I feel like they don't actually really care. It makes me question why people ask me to begin with if they genuinely don't care.

I feel for you ! It is very hard to find a person who does care. I found very few and even with them I am very careful of what I give out of my mind and my feelings. I do not need to get hurt anymore. So I pick my peers or by destiny they picked me. Everyone else is and will remain closed out of my "bubble"  ... it is tough to live like that though

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7 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

I’m on my way to my mum’s place with my daughter. I think my marriage is over. He has said he wants to divorce me three times now and I should just leave it as that. This have happened a number of times without my daughter n I always regret n keep thinking of how to go back n make amends. I think I should just pick my life up as a single mother from today onwards. I don’t want to keep thinking of moving back ever again. I’m done. 

Man, how I know the upheaval of this. The pain too. My 'divorce' happened 3 years ago. We weren't married but as good as. Had to sell the house, leave the area, live out of a suitcase for a bit. I sold our beautiful house in a beautiful area to come and live in a small, noisy, polluted place in the city 😬

I've moved near enough 20 times in my lifetime so it was the last thing I wanted to do. It does get easier. Eventually.

We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other till we heal. Sorry that you have to go through this :hugs:

'When the storm rips you to pieces, you get to decide how to put yourself together again.' 

Edited by Nightjar
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14 hours ago, monicott17 said:

Just going through the motions of day to day life (especially my job) right now. Even today, on a weekend…went to the store and lunch at a favorite place of mine and it brought me no joy whatsoever. Leaving the house, since it is such a rare occurence these days (Monday-Friday I am basically a shut in since I work from home and I do not drive) usually at least perks me up a little bit. But not today, in fact I feel even more down since returning home.

Yes, I know that feeling. It's so disappointing when our usual 'go to' activities don't help 😞 Annoying too. Don't give up though. It's too easy for us to hole up too much when we are depressed. There is still value in getting out even if we don't enjoy it because it keeps our social confidence up. 

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15 hours ago, Svenetc said:

At least you tried to find some joy by going out even though it did not work for you at this time.

Maybe next time will be better.

Thanks. Trying again today and I actually have items I need at the store so I have good reason to be out. Already feels like another sad Sunday for me though.

 

 

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I've been avoiding my family since the wedding disaster a few weeks ago, but it can't continue. My black eye is now hidable with makeup (not my skill set, had to learn that too) and sunglasses. Still trying to do something with the "haircut." 

My mom noticed it right away, despite being blind, when I took her to an appointment. She's the only one who sensed something was off. "But didn't you just get it cut?" Yes indeed, I did just waste money on my first pro cut in a year. "Your dad can see your new hair tomorrow." As if this is something I'm proud of. 

I love her for noticing and caring. Just sad to put yet more energy into concealment.

Edited by juno_writes
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2 hours ago, juno_writes said:

Just sad to put yet more energy into concealment.

Sometimes it seems like it is the best to conceal things to not get hurt but comments or looks or an aura that surrounds the opposite site. I got pretty good about that. My surrounding people at work watch me, they watch my reactions, my look, my eyes .... if I can sense or see anything that will throw me "off the loop" ...I just leave and deal with myself at home. They understand and know the reason behind it. For the most part anyway. Now I conceal basically everything anymore. I think people in this forum know more about my inside than anyone out there - but a very few. I would like to put more energy in actual life rather then into ways to " hide" myself.

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9 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I've moved near enough 20 times in my lifetime

That is wild ...and I feel bad for you on that. I have moved probably even more than 20 times, but some was related to my job education and others by plain stupidity . But I know how it feels like and I am scared to face another one eventually. My divorce is going on for 17 month now and I am sick of it. I kept the house and still have it. But with my kids ready to leave the nest - I might not need it any longer. I have no plan, no idea and no ambition anymore. I was thrown under the bus and here I am more than a year later ..... it just sucks. It "ate" a lot of my spirit and my personality. Now stepping one foot in front of the other seems logical ...but I keep tripping.  Just Roadblocks everywhere.

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14 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Now stepping one foot in front of the other seems logical ...but I keep tripping.  Just Roadblocks everywhere.

Yeah, I think it took me 2 years to get a little normality back.. I had some crippling loneliness and depression going on. And it's only 3 years on (now) that I've felt ready to step out and try to meet people again. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. In an ideal world couples would stay together and build a lovely, secure life. I had had enough of my ex's temper and disrespect, however. And if I'd hung around things would have only got worse 😬 That's not to say I didn't do everything I could to make it work. I probably tried too hard. 

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In a lot of pain again today. It's in my chest and stomach. I didn't grieve like this for my previous cat but mini was my baby. I'm doing my best to keep going, get washed, eat, walk and sleep but I'm not doing much more. 

I'm at the lake, hoping that a walk will help with the pain again. 

Edited by Nightjar
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