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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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54 minutes ago, user1492 said:

It's the weekend

So many people look forward to the weekend - i'm not sure how I feel

Work at least I have a script to follow

A role to play, targets to meet - i know how to do that.

Life? That has me lost.

I was a parent, partner - actually closer to a servant for all of my life - going from a handicapped mother to a narcissitic wife.

What do i do now?

What IS my purpose?

 

You start by giving yourself credit for looking after your mother, not everyone can step up to that! 
weekends, yup, they suck without a pattern, you need to try and set an objective, no matter what it is. Today, mine was to vacuum, I had no purpose other than to clean, but was satisfied that I did it.... other examples, wash and polish car or whatever calls you.

if your wife, is a narcissist, a real nasty controlling one like mine was, then do what you must to get out of that situation. And if you wanna avoid CPTSD, or manage it better, the sooner the better.

Your purpose is to turn things around so you can be content with yourself, small baby steps to begin with....

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

if your wife, is a narcissist, a real nasty controlling one like mine was

First hearing for the divorce is next month - dealing with the damage is going to take years, but two years of pretty much no-contact has helped.

Nasty, Controlling, Manipulative, Viscous and Evil - the other words are not suitable for this site, but you get the idea - adding she is schizophrenic really made it hell...

 

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Just now, watalife said:

Thanks to internet shopping my life now has purpose. 

Me too.  The nearest village with Walmart/Safeway, and assorted retail is 40 miles.  Amazon is the closest store to me for most items besides food. 

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I can't stop thinking about the future. Both good and bad. Years ago I remember reading a Wait But Why article titled "Your Life in Weeks". I keep reflecting on that. Our lives are short when we think of our lives in terms of weeks. And that can be quite depressing. Putting our whole life in weeks on a grid puts things into perspective (Just Google Your life in weeks. There are many calculators online). But it's a stark reminder of how little time we actually have. 

 

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I managed to clean the house. I need to out my CV together to apply for a job but im avoiding that, I need to book my cat into a cattery so I can go home for a few days but im also avoiding both because I hate talking on the phone and asking for things and Im avoiding going home because my mental health sucks and last time I saw them in February I was in a slightly better spot. Glad I cleaned the house, now I can fret over making the call and going home without having to fret over needing to clean the house. Hope you all have nice weekends 

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4 hours ago, user1492 said:

What IS my purpose?

I think this questions contributes to falling into a depression and anxiety trap. I grew up being told my purpose would be helping and healing people.. not sure if my dad meant by being a doctor or by healing through god (he was a devout Christian and im not) but growing into an adult thats haunted me because im not doing either, im not a doctor or a priest or someone who prays for people or even believes in god. I feel like it made me a little lost in my early twenties I had no idea what he meant or how I could "fulfil" that purpose. Ive let that go now, but, maybe we put so much pressure on ourselves to have a distinct purpose when maybe there is no purpose to life and we are just meant to figure it out one day at a time. Maybe we are not meant to be so stressed and able to let go a little and relax and enjoy a nice meal or good movie or a comfy couch or beautiful view from some place we've walked to. I dont know. But I dont like questioning what my purpose is because I dont feel theres an answer for anyone and keeping on searching is just digging yourself into a deeper and deeper hole. 

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8 hours ago, user1492 said:

First hearing for the divorce is next month - dealing with the damage is going to take years, but two years of pretty much no-contact has helped.

Nasty, Controlling, Manipulative, Viscous and Evil - the other words are not suitable for this site, but you get the idea - adding she is schizophrenic really made it hell...

 

My friend, I have empathy for you. Dealing with everything plus a narcissist wife, is possibly a form of torture that we take way to long to realise it ishappening. I had my first hint the actual day I was getting married.. advice to all here, if you havent checked your furure partners family out before its too late, do so.

no contact will help, but get some support around you now as you will need to deal with this without conceding. Be clear what the terms are. Do you have children together? Keep posting or PM me if you prefer. Narcissistic abuse is quite possibly the bery worse kind somebody can do to you. Recovery is challenging

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8 hours ago, watalife said:

Thanks to internet shopping my life now has purpose. What a thrill to receive presents so often at my door. I hope the delivery man doesn't hate me. 🙊

Delivery people earn decent money and he has a job! If he doesnt enjoy his job thats not your problem, so I think he likes you

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10 hours ago, watalife said:

Thanks to internet shopping my life now has purpose. What a thrill to receive presents so often at my door. I hope the delivery man doesn't hate me. 🙊

😀 You made me laugh today. 

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All my trees and flowers survived the drought.  It's a lot of work.  There are flowers that come up by themselves every year.  I'm probably trying to keep 50 or more plants alive.  Taking care of the plants and animals is about all that keeps me going anymore I think.

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9 minutes ago, Charlee said:

I’m really having a sleepless night, it’s 5.47am and I’m still awake. Guess I’ll have to go to my doctors again because this is ridiculous. 

I have similar issues with sleeping at night. I habitually get hungry at night and it’s the worse time to eat! The good news about binge eating chocolate is that it’s not as bad for you as eating a lot every day.

over the counter sleep aids do work... if you have Nyquil? Just saying

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6 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

I have similar issues with sleeping at night. I habitually get hungry at night and it’s the worse time to eat! The good news about binge eating chocolate is that it’s not as bad for you as eating a lot every day.

over the counter sleep aids do work... if you have Nyquil? Just saying

I wasn't even hungry I was just needing a distraction because I couldn't calm my thoughts or go to sleep and I was panicking and chocolate was all I could think of, and now I feel regret on top of this depression. I havnt, ill look into other alternative options. Ive started taking magnesium and ashwagandha, apparently they help. Also im lowering my dose of sertraline, my insomnia sky rocketed once I increased my dose. 

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6 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Like I don't want to be alone any more. I have to do whatever it takes to get out into the world after this move. No more messing about. I can and I will. 

What will you start doing? Are you looking forward to finally moving now or are you still panicking and freaking out about it. I moved cities over a year ago from all my family and friends, its difficult but I like this city and where I live and want to keep living here. I just need my own place instead of flatmates now lol

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13 minutes ago, Charlee said:

I wasn't even hungry I was just needing a distraction because I couldn't calm my thoughts or go to sleep and I was panicking and chocolate was all I could think of, and now I feel regret on top of this depression. I havnt, ill look into other alternative options. Ive started taking magnesium and ashwagandha, apparently they help. Also im lowering my dose of sertraline, my insomnia sky rocketed once I increased my dose. 

I understand the distraction side. Have you looked at other calming techniques??? Don’t worry about the chocolate decision, you have nothing to regret there.... wish I could have helped you eat it, lol.

insomnia sucks, thats for sure. I don't have a miracle solution for that one, I suffer too. I do find a lot of podcasts and youtube helpful, even just listening with a dark screen to thunderstorms. Most nights I can calm myself, but occassionally I have a bad night, particularly if I am changing meds or had a stressful day.

have you checked about interactions with ashwaghanda, some homeopathics do interact..... worth a few minutes on the internet or a chat with your pharmacist. Hope you sleep better tonight

 

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Plans have finally been made, Poppy is booked into the cattery and I can go home for at least 7 days, yay im very relieved, hopefully a change of scenery and seeing my friends and family will help

Edited by Charlee
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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

have you checked about interactions with ashwaghanda, some homeopathics do interact..... worth a few minutes on the internet or a chat with your pharmacist. Hope you sleep better tonight

I sort of checked, mostly they say its fine but there is 5-HTP in there which could cause serotonin syndrome but its not very much and clearly my levels are low since most are my thoughts are about dying

Ill try other things, my mind just races at night, I dont know why, do you use a timer and put something on to listen to as you sleep? maybe I just need to teach myself how to sleep again because I pretty much always fall asleep to watching something because I cant stand the anxious restlessness when I try to sleep 

Edited by Charlee
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8 hours ago, Charlee said:

What will you start doing? Are you looking forward to finally moving now or are you still panicking and freaking out about it. I moved cities over a year ago from all my family and friends, its difficult but I like this city and where I live and want to keep living here. I just need my own place instead of flatmates now lol

Anything would be an improvement at the moment. I only interact with family members and even that is minimal. 

I suppose, what I really need and want is both a part time job and further education. I need more money but more than anything I need to be around people more... It would be great to have friends IRL again. Friends make life worth living. 

I agree, it's really difficult living without friends and family. I've had enough of it. A cat is a lovely, lovely thing but it's not enough. 

Edited by Nightjar
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14 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Like I don't want to be alone any more. I have to do whatever it takes to get out into the world after this move. No more messing about. I can and I will. 

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time.  

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On 5/29/2021 at 8:22 PM, Bulgakov said:

Me too.  The nearest village with Walmart/Safeway, and assorted retail is 40 miles.  Amazon is the closest store to me for most items besides food. 

I am fortunate because I am basically surrounded by the huge box stores. Home Depot, Lowe's,  Walmart, Costco, Safeway are one to two miles from me.  

Edited by duck
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4 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I agree, it's really difficult living without friends and family. I've had enough of it. A cat is a lovely, lovely thing but it's not enough

I know, I hope you can put yourself out there and have the life you want 😊

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