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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On 5/27/2021 at 10:59 AM, monicott17 said:

Interesting, Canada has an excellent health system in reality for physical illness. Despite all the talk, the mental illness part of the system is truly broken.

New Zealand is also known for its great health care for physical illness, you got cancer? your surgery and treatment is covered, cold, flu, covered, MVA - surgery and treatment and hospital stay, covered. Mental illness on the other hand, have to wait 12+ months for a psychiatrist appt in the public system or pay $500+ for an hour consult that you'd still have to wait about 3 months for. GPs prescribe AD and anti-anxiety meds here but if you need therapy you get a public health appt a year from when you've asked and it won't be ongoing like weekly appointments unless you pay privately. Our system is broken too. Mental health no one talks about here, people are too scared to tell their boss's they're struggling for fear of being fired, even though thats illegal now, it still happens. Oh and if you're seeking a diagnosis for developmental disorders like autism or ADHD then forget it. Gotta wait 12+ months for that too and GPs cant prescribe meds for ADHD without a formal diagnosis. New Zealand is great in so many ways but its also severely lacking in others. 

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Well Its Friday, ive done a few things I wanted to do this week, but I need to clean the house and I havnt been able to do that. And I also need to shower but feel unable to do that as well. Depression is weird, I love a good shower and being clean, but when its bad D is like "nope no shower today sis, its stay in bed and PJs for you!" 😕 

But atm my cat is sleeping right next to me and im feeling forever grateful for her, I really can say that her presence has saved my life over and over in the 9 years ive had her. Getting a pet for emotional help is something I recommend 10/10 if you can!

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5 minutes ago, Extremebeginner said:

I have two cats for my support system, they are so cool and understanding. Who needs people and drama!

exactly! When I can finally afford my own place im defiantly going to get a dog, and probably another cat.. or two. @sober4life im also choosing the isolated life, it wasn't intentional, but after everything thats happened.. the isolated life ended up choosing me. I think im just accepting that this is how my life will go and thats ok. Animals are fabulous anyway. The best company, won't let you down, always there for you, what more could you want 

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Not a great sleep last night but I have to be grateful that I'm getting some I guess. I'm just compiling my to do list for the day. I have 7 days till I move (we hope) so I'm going to pack up my last couple of boxes today and do some more cleaning. I feel a bit out of it but not too bad and I emailed the agent to try to get some reassurance about my moving date. Haven't heard back yet but should do soon 🤞

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5 hours ago, Charlee said:

exactly! When I can finally afford my own place im defiantly going to get a dog, and probably another cat.. or two. @sober4life im also choosing the isolated life, it wasn't intentional, but after everything thats happened.. the isolated life ended up choosing me. I think im just accepting that this is how my life will go and thats ok. Animals are fabulous anyway. The best company, won't let you down, always there for you, what more could you want 

100% agreed. My cats have given me so much. My little one sleeps by my side every night and follows me around pretty much all day 😂 She is funny, sweet and adorable. Who could ask for more? 😊

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Really tired. Getting a bit panicky this evening. Just doing a bit of deep breathing before I try to watch a film. I packed up a large box and three large holdalls today.. The rest of the clothes and linens.

Mini lion seems to be coping well with the boxes, she doesn't seem to mind hanging out on them, though she did complain a bit in the beginning 😌

I'm not particularly happy with the crap I've eaten today but it's not long now till I can concentrate on eating and living and feeling better, please god 🙏

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On 5/26/2021 at 4:19 PM, Another Statistic said:

Someone once described mental illness to me as like living in a swimming pool full of treacle. I didn't know what treacle was, so I nodded my head and smiled politely. After I looked up the word, I realized it was the best description of mental illness that I had ever heard.

I hope you keep finding little joys wherever you can. We may not be able to live our best life, but at least we can live a series of small joyful moments.

As to the medical establishment, keep trying, they don't all suck. Took me 30 years to find the right person.

the problem is that I dont know if i can go on for so many years feeling this way, i've already gone through so many, and it just gets annoying after a while, you start losing all hope..i hope i find the right one, but i doubt it with my luck..

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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Really tired. Getting a bit panicky this evening. Just doing a bit of deep breathing before I try to watch a film. I packed up a large box and three large holdalls today.. The rest of the clothes and linens.

Mini lion seems to be coping well with the boxes, she doesn't seem to mind hanging out on them, though she did complain a bit in the beginning 😌

I'm not particularly happy with the crap I've eaten today but it's not long now till I can concentrate on eating and living and feeling better, please god 🙏

I'm very proud of you!  Your words remind me of my words to myself.  No matter what I accomplish I always beat myself up about what I ate that day.  Come on we need to give ourselves a break.:hugs:

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I'm writing this really late at night I should be in bed but I can't sleep. Two days ago I increased my dosage from 50 to 100mg of anti-depressant. I went to a party with some friends, several of them got drunk and I was caring for one of them when they started to get tired and nauseous. She was sleeping over at the house and I got her a blanket and kissed her on the top of her head. I went home. I woke up the next morning and was head over heels in love with her. I couldn't do anything but think about her. I wanted to but I just couldn't. I had to tell her how I felt. She said she didn't feel the same way. An hour later those feelings vanished. I think it was my anti-depressant causing my brain to act weird. I told her and she said it was okay and that she understood I've been going through a rough time. That was yesterday. Today was okay. Tonight I started getting really depressed and I couldn't sleep. I miss my friends so much. I've only seen them two days ago but I miss them so much. I've got work tomorrow and I;m super stressed out. I haven't had friends for several years and am about to be a senior in high school. I;m trying to cram all the fun I missed these past three years into my last year in high school. I hate myself because I was online all of this year and I hate myself so much. I missed out on having friends and now I don't think i'll see them again. My mind keeps acting crazy and I',m sobbing as I write this. I don't understand what's happening to me. I just want it to end. I;m just going to keep writing because it is something to do. I'm going to put all this effort into these relationships but at the end of the year I'll probably never see them again.  So what's the point? Why is it so hard for me? I can't sleep. I can't sleep i can't sleep. I'm just going to write because it seems to be making me feel better. I want to end it all sometimes. I don't want to **** myself but I want to go to bed and never wake up. I hate this life of mine but don't have the strength to end it or keep going. I'm caught at a crossroads and its driving me insane. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because all my friends have other lives. I don;t trust people. I;m paranoid. I'm trying to rush things. I can't think. I can't sleep. I doubt anyone has made it this far but I'm going to try and keep going. Longing, Rusted, Seventeen, Boxcar, etc. Why. Why. Why. Why. It's 11:32 I've been at this for a quarter of an hour. I don't want to live. I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Nothing seems to help. I can;t seem to get happier. I tried watching porn and making myself feel loved. That didn't work. My friends say they care about me but that doesn't seem to have any effect. My parents say they love me but the same thing happens. I'm so numb. I have to go to work tomorrow and put on a grin and sell people useless shit all because I want money. For what though? Why do I want to live? Why should I keep going? I want to die. I want to die. I don't want to die. I can't decide. Maybe I can I don't know. I'm scared, so very scared. I don't want to tell my parents because then they'll send me to the hospital and I don't like that place. It's very scary. I;m scary. I hate myself I hate myself. What is happening to me. My mind keeps racing I can';t stop. 11:32 now still typing.  This is just a stream of consciousness and thoughts. I want to be a kid! I want to have friends my age! Part of me wants to get drunk, to have sex, to make stupid decisions, but I don't know how. I'm rushing into all of this because I feel like I;m running out of time,. I haven't been a kid and I want to be a kid. I want to date pretty girls who like me back. I want to have fun. I want to do some much but I;m running out of time. I;m going to go to college in a year and it'll be all new people. Then I'll start the cycle again. Will it ever change. Sometimes I just want to join the military and volunteer for active duty in some warzone or join a terrorist group or join a mercenary company. I want to die on some forgotten street corner with a 50 year old bullet in my head on the other side of the world. I want friends so much but I don't have time to buidl the relationships and enjoy them before they're gone. I hope for a school shooting. I hope some tragic kid like me comes and I can take a bullet and die with everyone loving me. I wnat a robber to break into my house and shoot me. I want someone to rob my workplace and **** me. I want someone else to pull the trigger because I don't have the strength to. I've got an knife in my room and I could cut my wrists and be dead before I was found. But I can't. I guess part of me wants to live but I don't see why. My sister has friends and she's got a great life. It;s all so easy for her and she;s younger then me! My parents say if I **** myself that they'll be devestated or that it;ll get better. Will it? Will it? I gotta try and sleep but I don't think I can. I might try and masturbate to tire myself out but then I'd just feel dirty and icky inside. Leading to more self-hate. Help! Please anyone. 

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@AndrewH I feel you dude, no idea how to help though, being a teenager sucks and no one could pay me enough to be 17/18 again. Sorry you feel the way you do. I hope you find some peace soon. Maybe talk to your primary doc? it would be confidential from your parents, and if they have to pay for the appointment just make up anything else, sore throat that won't go away? "guy" issues? I dont know, but I never told my mum about any mental health issues I was going through even though I needed her to pay for my doc appointments. Talk to your doctor, thats all I can advise, they'll probably prescribe you something but from your post it seems like you need something to at least calm your racing thoughts. I know what its like to want to die because im there rn, but im just going to keep going in the hope that life will improve. Who knows, maybe it will. Also college is something to look forward to too, my undergrad days were really cool and interesting, I learnt a lot. Its something to keep on living for. High school is awful but its not forever, and I dont have many friends either, books help with that if you like to read. And we're here, we post about how miserable we are and we get it. no post is a stupid post. This forums got your back

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I feel miserable. I dont think my AD is working, im always miserable and sad and Ive stopped enjoying my hobbies like I used too only a few months ago. must be time to switch again. I dont think they work, its blah im so over this 😞 

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11 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm very proud of you!  Your words remind me of my words to myself.  No matter what I accomplish I always beat myself up about what I ate that day.  Come on we need to give ourselves a break.:hugs:

It's always nice to hear someone is proud of you but I don't feel like that about myself at the moment. Maybe I will in the future and hopefully it will all be worth it but all I can see at the moment is that I have made myself ill. It doesn't seem so smart to me 🤔 

Anyway, talking about it is making me feel worse so I'll stop now. I don't want my mind to start spiralling. I'm having to force myself to be positive and to relax as much as possible. Thank you for all of your support and encouragement sober, it means a lot to me. You have kept me going some days, I'm just at the point of exhaustion now and I have nothing left to give... I'm in survival mode. 

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Had some sleep, not a great sleep. Got a pretty steady stream of adrenaline running through me at the minute.

I'm spaced out from lack of sleep. Health issues are flaring up. If I just had someone around to help a bit I think I'd be doing better.... Just someone there. A bit of practical help would be appreciated when my energy is so low and I feel so overwhelmed. But more than that, it would be nice to not have to do everything by myself and to have someone to just be with. 

Man, this is worse than my exams in school and I was terrified of those. This is worse than my divorce. I'm not so sure being 'strong' is such a good thing anymore. I've been 'strong' too long. People think I'm invincible, they don't offer to help. Day in, day out I'm alone and it's not good for anyone.

Hopefully I can get some help when I move.... Therapy maybe.... Support group....Man, this should be such an exciting time and I just feel ill 😔 I'm just gonna have to accept that, work on getting better and enjoying the fruits of my labours somewhere down the road.... It's not gonna come quickly. But, hey, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it and I wouldn't get my new home 😂

 

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On 5/27/2021 at 12:03 AM, iWantRope said:

duck is 9,000,000% correct. There are no KPIs to meet to maintain receiving disability, more importantly no ****ING B****** colleagues tolerate.

I would have tried applying for disability instead of job searching, if it exists in my country for mental health conditions.

Maybe somebody should change that!

-------------------------------------------

I had an okay day today.  I did some grocery shopping then I picked up meds from the drugstore.  I met a friend for coffee.   

Edited by duck
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Getting to leave the house makes me feel a bit better. Went to the outlets today and bought some stuff. Lunch at one of my favorite places also.  Ranted a bit about something that is bothering me to my brother and he was a bit more understanding than usual. I still think most of my family is not on my side but I think he might be a bit more open minded about my point of view,

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1 minute ago, monicott17 said:

Getting to leave the house makes me feel a bit better. Went to the outlets today and bought some stuff. Lunch at one of my favorite places also.  Ranted a bit about something that is bothering me to my brother and he was a bit more understanding than usual. I still think most of my family is not on my side but I think he might be a bit more open minded about my point of view,

That sounds like a good day ☺️

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It's the weekend

So many people look forward to the weekend - i'm not sure how I feel

Work at least I have a script to follow

A role to play, targets to meet - i know how to do that.

Life? That has me lost.

I was a parent, partner - actually closer to a servant for all of my life - going from a handicapped mother to a narcissitic wife.

What do i do now?

What IS my purpose?

 

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Look on the brightside, you are well versed in the Sopranos......I cannot claim knowledge of much at all. I did finally ask my psych doc to look at the ECT option, cuz what the hell, I dont remember anything anyway. Think I will just continue with my plan to find warmth and sit on a beach and catch supper. Pacific coast Mexico has suddenly peaked my interest, decently safe and warm

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