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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On Tuesday I spent the day working on my BSA and I took it around back roads for awhile. It did die on me because of a off/on switch acting up but I'm going to be fixing that pretty much when I have another day free from work. Went into work today only to end up working with Christine for part of the morning. At least this time I didn't totally freeze up around her or say anything stupid. Although me still having feelings for her (or towards any woman for that matter) does mess with my head... My co-worker Kevin told me that me thinking everyone hates me or some of my social problems are all in my head. To some extent he's right but in other ways he's not. I tend to overthink nearly every social situation when it comes to people who I barely know or around people who do in fact actually hate me which is several people but I'm not around them often. Basically it's to the point that as long as nobody (or myself even) brings up Natalie then I manage to do alright during the day.

When I'm alone or without anybody around (at work or anywhere really) then my mind really starts to drift away and fall into negative zones and plenty of memories come back to haunt me. Mainly my many regrets on things I've said to people or have done that has simply damaged my reputation. My cousins still talk crap about me behind my back and simply don't talk to me. Many of my family members honestly no longer want to ever see me again. I don't blame them because I know I lied to them about a lot of things in the past. I lied to nearly everyone and to myself to basically keep myself together after splitting up with Natalie. While that has been over a decade ago nobody seems to want to just let that go or perhaps they don't really get why I was lying in the first place.

If I could I'd apologize to everyone for it all... If I ever was to see Natalie ever again then I'd just run away... I genuinely am afraid of her and so many people from my past. When I was in high school many people socially set me off as a outcast... Even to this day I am a social outcast... That is honestly what I'm trying not to be. Why did I even bother asking Christine out in the first place? Why do I even try to talk to her or anyone? Because I no longer want to feel isolated, alone or pushed aside to the social trash can.

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All my mind does is torture me.  There's been someone going around robbing houses driving a certain vehicle and surprise surprise that's all I see now is that type of vehicle.  You try not to be pessimistic but come on who wouldn't think this was hell at this point?

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On 4/29/2021 at 2:42 AM, Svenetc said:

For an example ... if I get stuff at a store like Walmart or whatever ... before I even enter the store I feel observed and feel that I do not belong there. And all I want to do is get groceries.

I find this very relatable. I have a constant fear of rejection and abandonment and even just stepping into a grocery store I feel like I’m being observed and I’m an imposter trying desperately to fit in... I wear a smile on my face constantly and I am always polite, but what people don’t see is that one sideways look from a complete stranger has me spiraling into thoughts of self doubt and self loathing. 
Seeing others on here with the same struggles helps me feel human (when I was a child I convinced myself I was sub-human to make sense of the way I was being treated). You guys have no idea how much sharing your perspectives and experiences gives validation and self acceptance ♥️

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I hate going into stores also. But I love food and it's all I have for enjoyment. Here lately I have been getting followed and pushed out by workers and managers with the evil eye. Can't wait till this is over. I can't get anything done anymore and I don't even care. What is the rush. I see no rush. Who cares! Not a dam soul obviously.

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15 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

So there is still time for improvements in your day, look outside and appreciate that both sunshine and rain are important.

sorry you are feeling a little hopeless at present, but pick something good for you.... what you would like to eat, a good song to listen to, and listen to it.....

hugs

Thanks. Issue turned out to be okay as there was a fix around it I was not aware of. Cold but at least the sun is out today and heading out for some retail therapy.

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9 hours ago, NitNat said:

I find this very relatable. I have a constant fear of rejection and abandonment and even just stepping into a grocery store I feel like I’m being observed and I’m an imposter trying desperately to fit in... I wear a smile on my face constantly and I am always polite, but what people don’t see is that one sideways look from a complete stranger has me spiraling into thoughts of self doubt and self loathing. 
Seeing others on here with the same struggles helps me feel human (when I was a child I convinced myself I was sub-human to make sense of the way I was being treated). You guys have no idea how much sharing your perspectives and experiences gives validation and self acceptance ♥️

Yep! I like shopping but the experience is becomong more uncomfortable for me. There’s a store in the mall I will no longer shop in because they have employees standing out front and will not let you in until they ask “what brings you in today” and then proceed to rattle off their specials and deals whether or not you want to hear them. That store and others don’t particuarly like when you answer “just browsing” to their “what brings you in today” question in my experience.

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Feel better today.... Seems to be the way it goes for me these days... Depression will last a day or so and then I will pick back up again. Hopefully it stays that way 🤞 Weirdly I feel a bit like my old self.... It might have something to do with the fact that I've been wearing things more like I used to 🤔 It would be nice to take more pride in my appearance again 🤔 Appearance isn't everything but it feels good to look after myself. 

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1 hour ago, monicott17 said:

Yep! I like shopping but the experience is becomong more uncomfortable for me. There’s a store in the mall I will no longer shop in because they have employees standing out front and will not let you in until they ask “what brings you in today” and then proceed to rattle off their specials and deals whether or not you want to hear them. That store and others don’t particuarly like when you answer “just browsing” to their “what brings you in today” question in my experience.

It sounds bad but just imagine the nightmare the job would be being forced to greet every customer.:sniffle1:

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Wow, anhedonia is quite a bast**d! I feel ok, but I think I should feel a helluva lot better. But at least I do feel something. I am ashamed of this.

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4 hours ago, monicott17 said:

Any day I get to leave the house, dine out and be a actual, functional member of society makes me feel at least a bit better. 

That is great for you  🙂 if it makes you feel much better. Maybe that is what you need. I get to leave the house every day and be part of work. But other then that I do not feel part of anywhere. I know that I do not belong here. Never did. I am i the wrong spot.

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Like Kurt said I'm not like them but I can pretend.  At 42 pretending I'm sick of it and done with it really.  Maybe everyone pretends to fit into a group they don't really understand.  I think they do because most people by their 40s their evening is just watching tv until bed.  Teens, 20s, 30s I tried to make sense of it all.  I haven't made sense of any of yet.  Finding food, shelter and a place to sleep at night maybe that's all any day is.

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Triggered....my grandson was refusing to eat his dinner.

Flash back to the many times my ex would be screaming at our kids and force feeding them.

I didn't stop her....honestly I was terrified of her.

So now the guilt is overwhelming.

 

 

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6 hours ago, user1492 said:

Triggered....my grandson was refusing to eat his dinner.

Flash back to the many times my ex would be screaming at our kids and force feeding them.

I didn't stop her....honestly I was terrified of her.

So now the guilt is overwhelming.

 

 

I understand the trigger based upon your own experience,  I can empathise with you having been through the meal time battles, and reliving it with her again. 
i also understand the guilt you are feeling, again a normal reaction without anything changing. So here is my suggestion to cope for the next time there is a meal crisis. You can either walk away, get out of the house go for a walk so it doesnt trigger you, or you confront the bully and take over feeding, your way and show how it can be done with less drama. She must promise you to  not interfere in your test

its very hard dealing with past trauma unfolding again. Do your best, but try not to feel bad , as long as he eats something

i

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I haven't been really hanging out with people for years. One person perhaps, just to go for coffee or something...
I feel really exhausted. Somewhat hopeful, maybe I'll be able to become a person again?

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2 hours ago, APFSDS said:

I haven't been really hanging out with people for years. One person perhaps, just to go for coffee or something...
I feel really exhausted. Somewhat hopeful, maybe I'll be able to become a person again?

Yeah, me too. It's hard to be with people again isn't it? I think it's the same with anything that you stop doing... You lose confidence and have to start from scratch. It gets hard. But I think that it's totally achievable to be with people again. And I think it's helpful to take it slowly and ease ourselves back in 👍 I'm hoping to do the same and feel part of the human race again too 👫👭👫👫

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6 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

I understand the trigger based upon your own experience,  I can empathise with you having been through the meal time battles, and reliving it with her again. 
i also understand the guilt you are feeling, again a normal reaction without anything changing. So here is my suggestion to cope for the next time there is a meal crisis. You can either walk away, get out of the house go for a walk so it doesnt trigger you, or you confront the bully and take over feeding, your way and show how it can be done with less drama. She must promise you to  not interfere in your test

its very hard dealing with past trauma unfolding again. Do your best, but try not to feel bad , as long as he eats something

i

It was good for me to stay....listening to my daughter calmly and kindly deal with him.

He DID eat the dinner, without force or coercion, just a long discussion at a four year olds level - 'but if you dont eat, will you be hungry later?' etc

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My daughter and I dropped into a party for a retiring coworker of hers yesterday. I started out with my usual social anxiety and strong desire to bolt...but a few minutes into it and I found myself actually enjoying being around the people. They were a rag-tag bunch of misfits for the most part so I almost felt at home. One dude was a cowboy from NM and we shared horror stories about raising cattle (which I did in my former life). I left feeling reasonably human again. Back to my "normal" self today...but it was a nice few hours yesterday anyway. 

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I have no desire to fit in anymore because that's what it's always been me fitting in and the rest just being themselves.  Done.  I've put myself out there plenty of times since I've been on my own and it's the same story as it's always been.  People are very cold and uncaring to me and they have a what are you doing here attitude?  People aren't in my life because they never wanted to be.

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5 hours ago, Nightjar said:

You lose confidence and have to start from scratch. It gets hard.

no kidding .... But starting from scratch is also an opportunity ...I have not found 'nor searched for that point in life yet ....but I am kind of excited to find it and get there - someday

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

My daughter and I dropped into a party for a retiring coworker of hers yesterday. I started out with my usual social anxiety and strong desire to bolt...but a few minutes into it and I found myself actually enjoying being around the people. They were a rag-tag bunch of misfits for the most part so I almost felt at home. One dude was a cowboy from NM and we shared horror stories about raising cattle (which I did in my former life). I left feeling reasonably human again. Back to my "normal" self today...but it was a nice few hours yesterday anyway. 

This made me cry happy tears. That's something, JD!

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It is going to be one of those days. Why - I do not even know, but yet I can feel it. So playing " low ball "  and hanging on will be my solution for this day

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