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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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12 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

You know what I want out of life? Instead of being constantly pummeled by all kinds of external forces beyond my control, I want to be holed up in a 12' x 16' room (3.66 X 4.88 meters) with an attached bathroom. Have my cats in there and my books. That's it. Just lock me in there until I snuff it. No TV, no phone...only books. Oh, and food. Maybe peanut butter, apples, and water.

I don't need to strive for stuff. Just let me live out what's left of my miserable existence in an isolated room. 

I agree.  I feel the same way.  There isn't anything good out there nothing.  Just keep me protected from it all at this point.  I have no need to ever see or hear any of it again.

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4 hours ago, watalife said:

I feel like I could stay in bed for the rest of my life

That sounds like great idea .... Most days I wonder what is the purpose to wake up, go to work, come home and wait for bedtime. But that is why I am in places like here.... to get input on how to fix that train of thoughts. Because I want something different than what I live right now. I want my life back.

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5 hours ago, watalife said:

I feel like I could stay in bed for the rest of my life 😴 and be fine

Yeah I'm finally to the point where my thoughts trying to get me out of bed in the morning by torturing me are even saying nah the hell with this.  I don't want to go out there.  Who knows what crazy things will be on tv this morning?

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Today I feel a lot better. I managed to sleep again. Yesterday evening was awful, sunday was just apocalyptic.

What the hell is this? It's been going on for months now. Is this normal for MDD or is this some weird form of bipolar. Totally confused, it's going round too fast.

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I finally had a decent sleep too. It's been a while. I turned everything off at about 7pm and then quite literally, watched the sun go down. I gradually dozed off to the sound of the birdies who were singing till the last drop of light was gone from the sky 😊 I was thinking to myself why the hell haven't I listened to these guys before? 

Birdsong is my absolute favourite sound and all this time I've been spending my time listening to chaos on the TV instead.... Maybe this could be a new thing for me. I did more reading yesterday too... I'm so fed up with the ADD I'm getting from the TV and smartphone combination. I am seriously considering getting rid of the TV at the moment 🤔

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6 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I finally had a decent sleep too. It's been a while. I turned everything off at about 7pm and then quite literally, watched the sun go down. I gradually dozed off to the sound of the birdies who were singing till the last drop of light was gone from the sky 😊 I was thinking to myself why the hell haven't I listened to these guys before? 

Birdsong is my absolute favourite sound and all this time I've been spending my time listening to chaos on the TV instead.... Maybe this could be a new thing for me. I did more reading yesterday too... I'm so fed up with the ADD I'm getting from the TV and smartphone combination. I am seriously considering getting rid of the TV at the moment 🤔

My favorite too. I started listening a few years ago. I like how the chorus changes as it gets darker...some birds stop signing earlier and others later so the tone changes. I think the robins are the last ones singing before lights out. In the summer, the frogs and night insects start their chorus just as the birds are calling it quits. I sit in the dark in my recliner and listen to this every night if I can.

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10 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

My favorite too. I started listening a few years ago. I like how the chorus changes as it gets darker...some birds stop signing earlier and others later so the tone changes. I think the robins are the last ones singing before lights out. In the summer, the frogs and night insects start their chorus just as the birds are calling it quits. I sit in the dark in my recliner and listen to this every night if I can.

Cool! I think my last birdie to sing was a blackbird 🤔  He was making me giggle a bit with his funny little squawk that he threw in now and again 😂

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My grandpa used to build his own bird hotels in his workshop when I was a kid.  That would be a fun project.  I don't know if I could do it like he did starting completely from scratch.  They might have kits out there.

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2 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Cool! I think my last birdie to sing was a blackbird 🤔  He was making me giggle a bit with his funny little squawk that he threw in now and again 😂

It is amazing how the slightest thing in nature can give us a since of peace and comfort, when we take the time to notice it 

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Yes, nature can be very soothing for me.

I'm in worry mode this evening. Worrying because I'm very alone. I find certain things difficult and I can't ask anyone for help. My relationships with family are too twisted for that. It sucks that humans don't help each other as a matter of course doesn't it? I guess there is a whole lot of twisted going on out there. We have to pay for help in some way 💷💷💷

I have a list as long as my arm of things I need help with. I feel like my health is being neglected because I haven't been to the doctor's when symptoms appear. I've had a few things which should have been checked out but haven't been. 

I wanna scream at the minute too because I feel so at odds with my family. I'm only seeing one family member currently and that relationship is weird. I feel trapped by my disabilities and lack of help.. 

I'm also paranoid that they all read this stuff and sometimes I don't express myself here when I really feel the need because of that.... Oh dear, not in a good place this evening. 

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I don't really pay for help hardly at all.  I find someone that needs something done and say I'll help you with that if you help me with this and I barter my way through life for the most part.  I don't really trust anyone though.  After we help each other we may never see each other again.  I haven't seen a doctor in a long time who knows how long.  I don't get anything checked out.  I usually just hope it goes away.  I remember the times I thought I was getting skin cancer places on my face.  My main concern was putting on makeup and covering it up so the people around me wouldn't see it.

Edited by sober4life
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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't really trust anyone though. 

That is where I am at sober.... However , the doctor you should see if something is not right. It is the most embarrassing feeling afterwards, if you get hauled out of work in front of all co-workers by the EMS just because I thought " I got this" ..... I do not trust most people anymore, but have to surrender some of "me" to some degree for my own good. I do not wear makeup ( that would be a hilarious day ) but I cover up my true inside. 

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I get it I can't live like this forever afraid of everyone.  After recovering from that extended sickness I went straight into a 3 day manic episode where I have been cleaning up my life trying to get back to where I was before I got sick.  The people that know me who knows what they think.  I'll hide in the woods and not really contact anyone and then one day roll into town as amped up as Hulk Hogan talking to everyone I know acting real intense and then go away again.  Not a chance these people think I'm staying sober but I am.  Surprisingly this is natural.

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On 4/26/2021 at 11:00 AM, watalife said:

I feel like I could stay in bed for the rest of my life 😴 and be fine

I just had a long and massively nice nap. Bedtime is good time.

 

In other news, my sense of family is warped. I never had any brothers or sisters, nor any serious feeling like I wanted t marry, or have kids. I live 1000 or more miles from extended family, who I realize have their nuclear families they need to take care of. So I don't want to be that overbearing, mysterious relative. I don't have anything in common with any of their kids anyway. Plus, I am disabled, and feel like the black sheep because of it. And on top of that, as much as I get into lonely situations, I have social fatigue. I just can't win.

On top of that, my heating is not working like I think it should, and the resultant coldness seems to be impacting me physically (well, mentally, which is connected to physical health if you see things holistically). 

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I haven’t been on here for awhile.

I hope the rest of my life won’t be spent, searching for that ever elusive inner peace.  
I told, ask God, what do you want from me.  Waiting for his answer..

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4 hours ago, HeatherG said:

I haven’t been on here for awhile.

I hope the rest of my life won’t be spent, searching for that ever elusive inner peace.  
I told, ask God, what do you want from me.  Waiting for his answer..

I sometimes pray when I'm really struggling. If I feel ok, notsomuch 😆 I usually ask for help to deal with the day ahead. For whatever reason, it seems to help a little bit 🤔 Asking for strength seems to get me a little bit somehow 🤷‍♀️

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I'm feeling very much like an outsider. I'm so envious of people having holidays in groups 😔 I think what sucks the most though is feeling like an outsider from your own family 😢 I used to have a friendship group who felt like family but I'm on the outside of that now too 😢 I had nightmares about it for years 😣

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6 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

I'm feeling very much like an outside

Since I feel the same way - do we make us to be an Outsider  or are we made to become the Outsider by others ?  I don't know.

But I feel the same way. I have family, I have co=workers .... but it seems like I do not belong there. I am " outside". I do not do anything wrong or bad. I do not do drugs etc. I just do not fit in. That makes me a person always outside of any circle. Sometimes it feels ok to be that way and sometimes I just feel so darn alone. For an example ... if I get stuff at a store like Walmart or whatever ... before I even enter the store I feel observed and feel that I do not belong there. And all I want to do is get groceries.

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4 minutes ago, Svenetc said:

if I get stuff at a store like Walmart or whatever ... before I even enter the store I feel observed and feel that I do not belong there. And all I want to do is get groceries.

Man, I know the feeling. It's part and parcel of being the outsider I guess. Social settings don't feel like home. 

My own home and spending time outdoors feels like home to me.. I do find that helpful. I guess I have stronger relationships with places than people 🤷‍♀️

Edited by Nightjar
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