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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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3 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Today is struggly. I didn't want to move from the couch but had to come and get food. Also, have to be ready for more fun and games tomorrow re: the move so I had to make sure I washed my hair. 

I feel knackered but here goes, I gotta go buy a couple of things to eat 😔

😀

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My brother's birthday is soon and mine soon after that. Mid-30s now and at this point I feel I've wasted my life entirely. I finished my final assignment for a class I'm taking - an assignment I've spent a ridiculous amount of time on - and just said to myself, "That was stupid and meaningless. No one will see this besides your teacher and he'll forget it right after he marks it. This isn't important work, it contributes nothing to the world. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you here?" So that's where I'm at...as if I'm so important that I deserve a hero's story or something.

And then I remembered a depression test I had to answer in high school. I lied on that stupid test to seem not depressed and I STILL tested positive for mild depression. Meanwhile my friend got not depressed at all. Nothing changed for me, I just lie less about it now...

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1 hour ago, Svenetc said:

I had to google that ....lol ....glad you feel ok ....

lol american or canadian ? have spent the money on a little bit of both but tobacco is so expensive so was only able to get a small bottle of rum, this also means won't be eating for the week and i can't space out my alcohol. 

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5 minutes ago, Soarsie18 said:

lol american or canadian

Live in the US ...so I did not know ...well tobacco and any alcohol is expensive here too ... but nutrition is more important .... I bet you could have combined all with them 20 ..... I assume anyways 😉 

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41 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

My brother's birthday is soon and mine soon after that. Mid-30s now and at this point I feel I've wasted my life entirely. I finished my final assignment for a class I'm taking - an assignment I've spent a ridiculous amount of time on - and just said to myself, "That was stupid and meaningless. No one will see this besides your teacher and he'll forget it right after he marks it. This isn't important work, it contributes nothing to the world. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you here?" So that's where I'm at...as if I'm so important that I deserve a hero's story or something.

And then I remembered a depression test I had to answer in high school. I lied on that stupid test to seem not depressed and I STILL tested positive for mild depression. Meanwhile my friend got not depressed at all. Nothing changed for me, I just lie less about it now...

Wasted your life ? you are 30, that is not a lifetime. 

I know you you feel with regards to assignments, especially now with covid, all i am given is assignments and then very little feedback which seems pointless and unsatisfying. Try and think back to the reason why you are doing any of this, if there is an end goal focus on it, and if there isn''t at the moment then just know that every degree has weight behind it, all hard work has weight. 

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Just now, Svenetc said:

Live in the US ...so I did not know ...well tobacco and any alcohol is expensive here too ... but nutrition is more important .... I bet you could have combined all with them 20 ..... I assume anyways 😉 

maybe, was hoping to get some vegetables but because of covid all grocery stores were shut so had to go to the corner shop, thankfully the man in the shop has a son that has a crush on me so he let me have some pennies off. But embarassing none the lease

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Hello all!  I am still around.  I have been fighting a very sore neck.  My doc says stress is causing my sore neck.  He increased my medication.   

I am also cleaning up old papers when I can.  I am shredding old receipts and old income tax papers.  I am also helping my sisters shred.  

HUGS for anyone who needs one.

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20 hours ago, sober4life said:

I've become such a mess.  I just sit here scared and angry.  If anyone shows up I run and hide and hope they go away.

I tell the kids to say I’m in the shower.  It’s the middle of the afternoon.  Two weeks ago someone didn’t take a hint.  They waited for me.  It was afternoon and I was in my pajama sweats.  Oh man why are simple things like answering a door so hard!  Glad for all of you that get it.  My family says, “You’ll be fine”!  I don’t feel fine.  It’s so isolating because you can’t talk to people about it.  They just don’t get it unless they live it.

8 hours ago, Svenetc said:

Right now I just wish I had the guts to pack my stuff, quit my job and start driving away. Where I don't know... just away to start over.

I get it!  We travelled for a year in the biggest RV we could find.  I thought it would be what I needed ams save my marriage.  I just felt more alone.  There was cool experiences, don’t get me wrong.  It was nice to head to the next place when we were bored of it.  You can’t connect with people good when you are every week headed to the next place.  Although not having pop in visitors or neighbors you feel like you have to say hello to was nice.  All in all I just felt more alone.  Doesn’t help when you are married to someone who took a psych test that described him as cold and detached.  Good luck on bonding time!  It gets old having to deal with depression and life.  Really old!

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My whole life I went to visit people just because I cared about them and wanted to see how they were doing.  I thought other people were like that too most of my life.  I was wrong.  I began telling people that's what I was doing and they looked at me like I just got off a flying saucer.  They might ask about me in the beginning when they show up here but it's all part of the game to get me to do what they want whatever it is.  It's sad but true nobody cares.  I don't answer the door because there is never anything good waiting on the other side.

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54 minutes ago, Rach4masaya said:

It gets old having to deal with depression and life.  Really old!

I see your point of view ... I do not try to escape though ... I just look for a way to re-start and leave that depression behind. I so need that for a long time ... longer than I thought . I always denied and just catered. Now it will have to be " Me time " - time that I happily share but not deny myself. 

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18 minutes ago, sober4life said:

they looked at me like I just got off a flying saucer

I know that feeling very well - maybe we came of that flying saucer ....I have to ask my parents about that ....lol ...  I fit in my job, I fit at work, I fit as a father, I fit as a friend ... but I do not fit into expectations of so called "society" because I like music that is not their style, eat foods they do not like, have belief in things that do not require a church to go to. That is why I also do not answer my door. To have me answer the door in any way is by gaining trust .... and to do that most people are already overwhelmed. Because it will be a challenge anymore.

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My opinion is none of us fit into expectations of society and none of us really want to but they make us feel we have to so we spend as much money as possible to fit into a group none of us wanted to fit into in the first place.

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23 hours ago, Extremebeginner said:

Are you currently taking any meds? Reason I ask is because sometimes they can wipe you out in the motivation department, calmer yes but so not able to ‘go’

want to share whats going on? Ok either way but try to watch some meditation tubes, not for high energy motivation, they are too extreme, but there are little tricks that can help us, note things down on post its, when its done, throw it away. Simple small steps and remember you are not alone

Thanks. No meds at this time...doing therapy once a week and I have discussed possibly starting meds but I am not quite there yet.

I have been working from home for over a year now and my company is very bad at communciation and lacking structure/organization. They have given no indication when (or if) we will be returning to the office and that plus the monotony, client issues and inconsistent workflow are just a few of my issues. I miss the day to day routine of going to the office and even though I don’t love this job...I really would like to go back in some form. But I am doubtful that will happen anytime soon as the state I live in still has restrictions and capacity limits in place and my sense is that my employer waiting until we can be at 100% so they don’t have to do any work on the office. And that won’t be anytime soon in this state I think,

 

 

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Hey!  I got the first COVID shot. I am feeling like soon the close of COVID world might be happening.  Trouble is the being able to stay at home.  Not having to take my kids to activities and an excuse for family to not come to visit has been nice!  I used to stress the night before about having to take my kids to their gymnastics.  Now the idea of having to start life over terrifies me.  I have had a good reason to not have to do things.  Exercise has been the only thing I can do hat for a moment I feel a slight improvement in my mood.  I have treatment resistant depression and have tried everything, but shock therapy.  I am on amino acids right now.  I feel the sad still.  Now I am doing acupuncture and just started Chinese medicine to help me sleep.  My sister says I just need to go do things with others more.  Easier said than done when you feel like you have to take anxiety medication to go be around people.  Then I feel so tired the rest of the day I can’t get anything done.  I feel like this world is taking it all out of me.  Things should not be so hard all the time.  How do you want to keep going when everything around you makes you feel like why try!  

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1 hour ago, Rach4masaya said:

 How do you want to keep going when everything around you makes you feel like why try

Same question ...... have no answer though ... you just keep going  ...... at least for your kids and yourself. I do it for my kids. Keep going 

 

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It was a beautiful cooler day.  I met my friend for coffee. We had to sit in our cars because of covid rules. At one point we had blowing snow.

I came home and shredded more old documents.  Can't believe there is so much to shred.  I have been shredding my own documents yearly but my other family members failed to shred so tons of stuff.  Many small empty boxes so they go into recycle.  I am nearing the end. 🙂 

Edited by duck
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I’m so glad you got to meet with a friend, sounds like you had a great day! I’m happy for you..I wish I had a friend to fall back on!..I miss that..but it is what it is..as usual my friends of the past are either deceased or have moved on and forgotten me, how sad, anyway another insomnia night because of anxiety! My partner is fast asleep, so no one to talk to, so I think now would be a good time to say that I’m a gay woman just looking for someone or something I can connect with? In a friendly manner, I sincerely I hope that I didn’t offend anyone , that clearly was not my intention, my partner does not suffer the same affliction that I suffer, so there have been hard lonely times on my part, feeling so alone in this affliction of anxiety and depression.. again forgive me if I have offended anyone, just looking to be accepted...

 

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53 minutes ago, Wiswash said:

I’m so glad you got to meet with a friend, sounds like you had a great day! I’m happy for you..I wish I had a friend to fall back on!..I miss that..but it is what it is..as usual my friends of the past are either deceased or have moved on and forgotten me, how sad, anyway another insomnia night because of anxiety! My partner is fast asleep, so no one to talk to, so I think now would be a good time to say that I’m a gay woman just looking for someone or something I can connect with? In a friendly manner, I sincerely I hope that I didn’t offend anyone , that clearly was not my intention, my partner does not suffer the same affliction that I suffer, so there have been hard lonely times on my part, feeling so alone in this affliction of anxiety and depression.. again forgive me if I have offended anyone, just looking to be accepted...

 

Of course you're accepted here!❤️:hugs:

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Hi everyone. I've been gone for a couple months and came back on again. I am having massive anxiety attack over seeing my soon to be ex husband tomorrow. He's been really abusive in our marriage, we broke up and separated for 3 months, then tried to get back together, and I broke up with him again saying I want the divorce. 

He's very domineering, controlling and he bullies me. I am intimidated by him. And right now, I am in a very weakened state. I've gone through SO much in the last 2 months, including bullying in my last job which was traumatic for me, a hospitalization for mental health reasons due to the bullying, then I had COVID, then I quit my job, then I started a new job, all while getting back together with my abuser and trying to see if it could work. 

I don't have it within me to stand up to him anymore and to his abuse. I used to be able to and I used to confront him every step of the way whenever he became intimidating. I no longer have the strength, so my anxiety is very high right now, in anticipating yet another confrontation when he comes to pick up his belongings tomorrow. 

I want to avoid getting into a conversation or argument about our breakup. He's looking for an explanation. I told him that my heart is no longer in the relationship, that too much damage has been done, and that I don't trust him. That was all over text the other night. 

I just don't have it in me anymore to argue with him or stand up to him. What do I do? 

 

 

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5 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

Hi everyone. I've been gone for a couple months and came back on again. I am having massive anxiety attack over seeing my soon to be ex husband tomorrow. He's been really abusive in our marriage, we broke up and separated for 3 months, then tried to get back together, and I broke up with him again saying I want the divorce. 

He's very domineering, controlling and he bullies me. I am intimidated by him. And right now, I am in a very weakened state. I've gone through SO much in the last 2 months, including bullying in my last job which was traumatic for me, a hospitalization for mental health reasons due to the bullying, then I had COVID, then I quit my job, then I started a new job, all while getting back together with my abuser and trying to see if it could work. 

I don't have it within me to stand up to him anymore and to his abuse. I used to be able to and I used to confront him every step of the way whenever he became intimidating. I no longer have the strength, so my anxiety is very high right now, in anticipating yet another confrontation when he comes to pick up his belongings tomorrow. 

I want to avoid getting into a conversation or argument about our breakup. He's looking for an explanation. I told him that my heart is no longer in the relationship, that too much damage has been done, and that I don't trust him. That was all over text the other night. 

I just don't have it in me anymore to argue with him or stand up to him. What do I do? 

 

 

From what you've said you need a friend there with you when he shows up or all of your friends and local family anyone you can get that's on your side.  Have them do the talking and if possible go somewhere else when this is happening.  In your fragile state it's best that you don't even hear what's going on.  You can't go through this right now but the stuff has to go.  It might even be something you have to call the police for to help you.

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5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

From what you've said you need a friend there with you when he shows up or all of your friends and local family anyone you can get that's on your side.  Have them do the talking and if possible go somewhere else when this is happening.  In your fragile state it's best that you don't even hear what's going on.  You can't go through this right now but the stuff has to go.  It might even be something you have to call the police for to help you.

Thanks @sober4life🙂

I'll still be working when he comes by my apartment. I don't think anyone can come over at that time. I suppose I could just make up the excuse that I have to finish up work, that something came up, and I can only see him for a quick minute to hug him goodbye. I had told him I would give him a hug goodbye yesterday. I forgot to mention that in my post. 

Edited by RiverLight
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