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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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On 3/22/2021 at 9:18 AM, sober4life said:

I did a lot of hard work over the weekend and stood up to people that were hurting me and I took control of my life back.  I'm done being afraid of people.  I'm going to live my life exactly the way I want to from here on.  I'm done with toxic people!

Good for you Sober!!   Don't let them back in!

I often recall things you have said here especially when I'm feeling down. You have been an inspiration for me on some dark days.

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42 minutes ago, nojoy said:

You have been an inspiration for me on some dark days.

So true ! I read many Posts of Sober and the replies .... Just as many of you members are .....an inspiration, a light, a help. Somehow it works.  Like a stick held in the water as you can't reach shore to pull you on land .I am thankful for all that to each and everyone here. 🤗

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On 3/22/2021 at 6:20 PM, JD4010 said:

I haven't felt well suited for this job in years. It brings me face to face with my shortcomings daily. Rubs my face in them, in fact. So you'd think I'd be "happy"...but I ain't. 

Yeah, I had a kinda similar situation.  Give yourself permission to feel all kinds of strange stuff for a while.  It is just your mind sifting through the debris.  It will sort out, but it could take some time.  All the best to you ... and everyone else.

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Hollow ... that is mostly how I feel.  I have no other way to describe it.

 I have felt like this for a while.  Somehow I am rushing toward a major change (soon!), but I do not know what it is going to be.  Either I will crumple because of being hollow, or I will start getting filled again (for good or bad).   

This sounds strange, even to me, but I have no other words to use to explain the feeling.     <*sigh*>  

Take care everyone.  You all deserve it.

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Aw, s h i t, JD.  I'm sorry to hear this, but relieved for you on another level.  I know this job has been a daily misery for you, so being freed from that is a good thing, I hope. 

As for our ideas about work (that we don't love) and chains (that we hate) and "just getting by" as opposed to "living," I lost my job in L.A. in 2010 and left town.  I had time to regroup and set my sights on what I wanted to create in my life, thinking I'd just slip right into the Next Thing.  But Plan D did not work out as I had hoped, as Plans A, B and C had trickled off into nothing after beginning with success.  But there have been respites, surprising new friendships and work on my health, which in recent months, seems to be improving.

JD, I want to believe for you and me and all of us, that we are "on assignment" (I have a kind of Jesusy friend who refers to periods of time as such in relation to being uncomfortable where we are), and have changed where we've been for the better (like, say, Mary F u c k i n g Poppins).  Your assignment has ended.  You have one here at DF, and every time I read something you've written--no matter how low or high you are when you write it--you make that moment in my life better.

You're wise.  You're smart.  You're empathetic.  These are exceptional qualities, JD, and I have great respect for you.  I don't know what the period between now and the Next Thing will be for you, but I wish you hope and success and eventually gratitude for the change that was not yours in deed (but had been so for a long time in thought--yes?).  

I'll be following you.  You're in my thoughts.

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8 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

Hollow ... that is mostly how I feel.  I have no other way to describe it.

 

8 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

This sounds strange, even to me, but I have no other words to use to explain the feeling.     <*sigh*>  

Hollow is the word I keep looking for the explain to the therapist & doc about what I'm feeling.  Thank you!

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@womanofthelightThat was an astounding post. Thank you. I'm letting you know that reading it did me a lot of good, helping me to gain some perspective that I hadn't realized before.

Yes, in a way leaving this increasingly stressful position will be a blessing. I know I don't belong in the position...though I have a nagging feeling that I *could have* succeeded if only I had tried harder. I gotta run to a meeting right now but I wanted to get this posted...I'll be back later.

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6 hours ago, nojoy said:

 

Hollow is the word I keep looking for the explain to the therapist & doc about what I'm feeling.  Thank you!

I feel hollow.  I think it's because I never feel loved and never feel like anyone cares about anything I'm doing.  I've always felt different degrees of being alone but I feel completely alone at this point.  If I died the discussion about it would be over by the time people are done with their first cup of coffee.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I'm only worth anything because I provide an income to my ex and daughter. Now that is in jeopardy.

I'll be worth nothing when I get rolled into the alley; probably within a month. 

You're getting retirement though right?:unsure:

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6 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm only worth anything because I provide an income to my ex and daughter. Now that is in jeopardy.

I'll be worth nothing when I get rolled into the alley; probably within a month. 

You are more than an ATM for your ex and daughter!

I hope you find freedom in that alley!

I was let go from a really good job....with awesome benefits....after eighteen years. I have an idea of the shock you are in, go easy on your self!

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12 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm only worth anything because I provide an income to my ex and daughter. Now that is in jeopardy.

I'll be worth nothing when I get rolled into the alley; probably within a month. 

You are worth because you are JD🙂 And you're going to have a good time with your hobbies and other stuff. You're going to get a little bit busy I guess. And everything will be ok, even if not right now. Maybe you will find a job you would enjoy so much..🙂(connected with stuff you like doing)

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Wow, have you ever worried so much about doing something, you seem to lose the most basic skills? Like stringing a sentence together or writing a sentence? 

I've had the paralysis thing going on today. I managed to get stuff done but I did it in a weird haze. I can get paralysis even with things that I'm usually good at... Suddenly I'm just a hot mess and nothing seems to make sense.. I start checking things and the more I check,  the less sense things make. Anyone know what I mean here? It's a sorta ocd, paralysis thing. 

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14 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm only worth anything because I provide an income to my ex and daughter. Now that is in jeopardy.

I'll be worth nothing when I get rolled into the alley; probably within a month. 

You are certainly not worthless. 

Why do you say you will be rolled into an alley? Is there a chance you may lose your home? 

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15 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Wow, have you ever worried so much about doing something, you seem to lose the most basic skills? Like stringing a sentence together or writing a sentence? 

I've had the paralysis thing going on today. I managed to get stuff done but I did it in a weird haze. I can get paralysis even with things that I'm usually good at... Suddenly I'm just a hot mess and nothing seems to make sense.. I start checking things and the more I check,  the less sense things make. Anyone know what I mean here? It's a sorta ocd, paralysis thing. 

I get this every time I have to write out bills or fill out paperwork.  I've been a mess a lot lately.  I've been pushing myself too hard.  Yesterday I passed out walking to the car and hit it and the hit kind of knocked me back to reality.  The stress is just all too much for one person.  It's neverending.  It's always something and we know no matter what that something is we have to take care of it because we feel like we have absolutely nobody in the whole world.

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5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I get this every time I have to write out bills or fill out paperwork.  

Yes! What is it about forms and paperwork? I get myself all wound up about them. I'm in a state before I start. Why are they so scary? Wtf? 

7 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Yesterday I passed out walking to the car and hit it and the hit kind of knocked me back to reality

Yikes! I get dizzy when I do too much too. When I get like that I force myself to stop. Literally. Stop. Sit still. Do nothing. I find my energy tends to restore itself then 🤔 I hope you're ok and it's nothing serious healthwise, just dizziness. 

9 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The stress is just all too much for one person

I agree. It's very tough to take on the world alone. Please try to give yourself a break and don't expect everything to be perfect. No such thing. It's fine to let things go for a little bit. We can always pick them back up when we have more energy. People are more likeable when they are imperfect anyhow. We aren't machines 🤔

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19 hours ago, sober4life said:

You're getting retirement though right?:unsure:

Long story...my ex gets half of my retirement. I'm going to have to go back to court to change the monthly support payments I make to her. I won't be able to come anywhere near what I"m sending her now.

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6 hours ago, Nightjar said:

You are certainly not worthless. 

Why do you say you will be rolled into an alley? Is there a chance you may lose your home? 

Yes, if I can't make rent at my apartment.

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52 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Yes, if I can't make rent at my apartment.

I hope it doesn't come to that. Things usually have a way of working out but there are no guarantees for any of us I guess. Going to court to reduce your monthly payments to your ex sounds positive though. From what you've said, it sounded really unfair. Please make sure to tell them that you can't afford to pay your own medical bills. 

Fingers crossed for you that you find some new income and/ or can reduce your outgoings enough to stay put 🤞

Ps. If they do kick you out into an alley, can you make it into an Alaskan alley? 🤔 Why the hell not, if you've got nothing to lose? I bet they could use your skills up there too 😁

Edited by Nightjar
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22 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I'm only worth anything

JD, you are for sure worth more than you feel like. I would love to comment on each following post that was submitted, but that would take forever. I can imagine how you feel. I am in the same boat, just not retired yet. I have long ways to go. However, I reached the point where I question the sense if all my doing. I am working FT, any Overtime available and still face that "alley" you mentioned at some point. All because of a greedy person with no moral character or values. I am searching for answers on here, elsewhere and my surroundings. I get some input here - thanks to many great people. But my " internal " GPS is way off. That is why I said someday earlier that I reached my breaking point. All I can say is keep reading here , remain yourself and be who you are. That is all I do. 

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7 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Anyone know what I mean here? It's a sorta ocd, paralysis thing.

 

7 hours ago, sober4life said:

It's neverending.  It's always something and we know no matter what that something is we have to take care of it because we feel like we have absolutely nobody in the whole world.

Yes!  Unfortunately, I understand exactly what both of you are describing.

This is what has been looming ever larger for me lately.  I feel like I am getting closer and closer to absolute 'collapse'.  Have been frantically keeping up appearances, etc. all by myself.  Soon (very soon!) I will no longer be able to keep up the charade.  I am already 'hollow' (nothing of substance left inside), and soon what is left of the outer shell will become so weak and brittle that it will just shatter to dust.

 I very much appreciate the support and encouragement here ... I really mean that.  But, on the other hand, it does nothing to directly help what is going on in my life.  It all falls on just me! ... and that paralyzes me.  OMG, what a relief it would be to have another real person irl to physically help with things.  BTW -- forms, paperwork, and payments are horrible!

<*whew*>  Well, at least venting helps a little.  🙃   I wish you all peace.

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

OMG, what a relief it would be to have another real person irl to physically help with things.  

Yes. And, most people feel the same way, I think. So many of us living on the planet and so many of us living alone. I think it has so much to do with the facade we all put on, who we pretend to be and the ridiculous boundaries of society. We shouldn't be strangers to each other, yet we are. 

It's up to the individual to decide whether or not they want their mask to slip but tbh, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Authenticity is real.. It's real life and it makes relationships real and meaningful. 

I don't have authenticity in my life but at least here, I feel I can be honest and people appreciate it. 

Sorry, if I'm rambling. I'm very tired.

 

Nite jkd. Nite DF 😘😴

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