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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I don't believe for one second there is a force out there that only gives me what I can handle.  I believe from day one there has been a force that has actively been trying to give me too much to handle every step of the way and trying to wipe me out.

I've adopted that same philosophy. The universe has made it clear since Ike was president that it is malevolent towards me.

Evil does seem to have a firm grip on this world. I'm barely hanging on.

 

 

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm a week away from being sober for 900 days.  I have to keep that in mind to get through the rest of this nightmare!

And you know what an encouragement that has been for me too, right?

I guess I'm at 689 days. I had to find a website that would calculate that number for me I was too lazy to count in my head.

That's roughly 16,000,000 seconds. 🙂

 

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25 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

And you know what an encouragement that has been for me too, right?

I guess I'm at 689 days. I had to find a website that would calculate that number for me I was too lazy to count in my head.

That's roughly 16,000,000 seconds. 🙂

 

I'm very proud of you!  You're an inspiration for me for sure!  I'm a mess for sure but I'm not giving up.  This is one of those days I've had two naps after fixing things this morning but I did fix things.  Today the sun is actually back and I did see a new bird today.  I know I'm a wimp but these birds have kept me alive here recently.

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On 2/18/2020 at 12:11 PM, JD4010 said:

I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always does and always will.

I woke up this morning and thought very seriously about just staying in bed. But the pile of work I've got at the office has become absurdly huge and I'm overwhelmed.

JD -- I'm so sorry your days are so . . . dark, and that you are trapped in this life.  Were it not for your character--which is truly honorable--you would have called it quits a long time ago.  But you soldier on for your daughter and responsibilities to your ex-wife.  I respect you and your choices (and I'd respect it, too,  if you decided to take the leap out of this world) and hope that you will find some hope somewhere; something beyond your responsibilities to get you out of bed.  I believe there are little lights here and there in everyone's life, however low or long they burn.  Your cats, your daughter, maybe a walk in the snow . . . ?

Anyway, just wanted to say you have my empathy and hope for you to find a little light . . . somewhere.

WOTL

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I feel worried sick. I just had an interaction with roommates that left me so scared. I'm doing better now, thank God, but I'm not sure what my next steps should be. It was about money. To be fair, they have a right to be upset, because I've been unemployed for a while and no longer able to contribute. I told them I'm trying to get back in school and to move out. But that takes time. I don't know if it will be enough. Even when I get financial aid, paying them back right then may make it impossible for me to pay for a new place. I'm concerned because they didn't seem reasonable. I want to get back in touch with my family, which I was hoping to do anyway, but I'm scared and ashamed to do it from a place of need. I'm just praying everything works out OK. I'm sorry if this is all TMI. I have a bad habit of over-divulging when I'm stressed. If you do prayer, please pray for me. 

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Sigh! I woke up late. Basically slept 13hrs and I'm still tired! I'm feeling and thinking lousy. I'm stressed and sad that I don't feel I have time to check in with everyone and everything I need to today...it is probably just useless anxiety, but my goal for today was to wake up again by 9, and start my chorecrap at like noon or so and still have time to do all the fun stuff. Anyway, I dunno. I just feel slow and stupid right now.  Sigh!

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15 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

Sigh! I woke up late. Basically slept 13hrs and I'm still tired! I'm feeling and thinking lousy. I'm stressed and sad that I don't feel I have time to check in with everyone and everything I need to today...it is probably just useless anxiety, but my goal for today was to wake up again by 9, and start my chorecrap at like noon or so and still have time to do all the fun stuff. Anyway, I dunno. I just feel slow and stupid right now.  Sigh!

I basically feel the same way today.  I won't even remember today.  The coffee doesn't even work on days like today.

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I'm sorry I missed like a whole page of posts today. I'm scatterbrained. 😕

but I'm feeling better, i guess, although still stupid for waking so late. Funny thing is, I had this song in my head, so I started listening to it to get it out of my head (husband's theory. I know this doesn't actually work but whatever) and I started bouncing off the walls. It was fun! Except I had just eaten and I couldn't exercise like I wanted to or I'd get sick. But I still did a little bouncing. At that point, I was wondering if I should even have coffee...well I had it anyway. It doesn't seem to have made much of a difference, but i suppose if I start getting active again or put on the jams, I could become a little hyper again.

teehee! It's fun being hyper!...except that it's not, because it just never seems enough or it's bad timing and I feel like i "should" be doing other stuff, more productive or good stuff...like, I was supposed to go outside today, cuz it was another sunny day, but it's already getting dark now. I might at least check the mail and take out the garbage...but I have to get dressed first. bleh! 😛

 

edit: went out. ahhh! the fresh air is nice, but it's too damn cold and getting dark 😕

Edited by anxiousE
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It is fun being hyper.  I was very hyper this morning.  I drank probably a pot of coffee before leaving this morning.  The people around here are very laid back and take their time with everything and I rush into the room talking real intense and acting like Hulk Hogan when he used to do his interviews with people I've never met before.  I wonder if anyone within a 100 miles of here still thinks I'm normal.

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13 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It is fun being hyper.  I was very hyper this morning.  I drank probably a pot of coffee before leaving this morning.  The people around here are very laid back and take their time with everything and I rush into the room talking real intense and acting like Hulk Hogan when he used to do his interviews with people I've never met before.  I wonder if anyone within a 100 miles of here still thinks I'm normal.

it's funny now, in the moment, but later we likely regret feeling so good about like scaring people. right? well, I do. my husband on the other hand...pure evil. hahaha! that's a joke! I mean, I don't like that he's so carefree sometimes, but part of that is jealousy too. I'm glad he can get away with that, for the most part. Of course it aggravates the heck out of me when he says stupid things to me without seeming to care how they make me feel. sigh! But that's his coping mechanism, so again...jealous for the most part! ...still, I love being me too, because I like having friends...he really doesn't care about that. lmao! tmi??

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10 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

it's funny now, in the moment, but later we likely regret feeling so good about like scaring people. right? well, I do. my husband on the other hand...pure evil. hahaha! that's a joke! I mean, I don't like that he's so carefree sometimes, but part of that is jealousy too. I'm glad he can get away with that, for the most part. Of course it aggravates the heck out of me when he says stupid things to me without seeming to care how they make me feel. sigh! But that's his coping mechanism, so again...jealous for the most part! ...still, I love being me too, because I like having friends...he really doesn't care about that. lmao! tmi??

I worry about people I know but if I'm around people I don't know I don't have any fear really.  Here comes Chris Farley!  I'm sure there have been many of my manic days as supper table conversations for people.  You won't believe this idiot I saw today.😄

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9 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I worry about people I know but if I'm around people I don't know I don't have any fear really.  Here comes Chris Farley!  I'm sure there have been many of my manic days as supper table conversations for people.  You won't believe this idiot I saw today.😄

yeah, I totally get that! ...but it's like, you folks here sorta know me and I fear that. 

lol Chris Farley! or how about, Jim Carrey. 😄 Love that goofball! hehe

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24 minutes ago, anxiousE said:

yeah, I totally get that! ...but it's like, you folks here sorta know me and I fear that. 

lol Chris Farley! or how about, Jim Carrey. 😄 Love that goofball! hehe

You never have to have fear here.  You can be your full self here.

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I just found out my brother died. I hadn't seen him in years. We didn't leave things well. He was so young.

I can't say how I feel. I keep crying, but I don't have words. I feel so many conflicting things. I feel so guilty, so sorry, that I didn't reach out to him...I'm afraid to even contact the rest of my family, though. I don't know how they'll react to me after all these years. I don't know if they were trying to contact me about it, but I didn't hear it from them. 

Yet what this clearly teaches is...don't leave it till it's too late. You never know how long anyone has.

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2 minutes ago, Seeker206 said:

I just found out my brother died. I hadn't seen him in years. We didn't leave things well. He was so young.

I can't say how I feel. I keep crying, but I don't have words. I feel so many conflicting things. I feel so guilty, so sorry, that I didn't reach out to him...I'm afraid to even contact the rest of my family, though. I don't know how they'll react to me after all these years. I don't know if they were trying to contact me about it, but I didn't hear it from them. 

Yet what this clearly teaches is...don't leave it till it's too late. You never know how long anyone has.

I'm near tears myself reading this. I'm so sorry to hear this news. My condolences to you and your family. I hope you'll be able to reach out to them soon though. It's never good going through this alone, although you may need some alone time to process everything. Try not to worry about what wasn't said. Try to remember the good times. And I'm sure he knew that you loved him. If not, I do believe he knows now, somehow. 

best

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1 minute ago, anxiousE said:

I'm near tears myself reading this. I'm so sorry to hear this news. My condolences to you and your family. I hope you'll be able to reach out to them soon though. It's never good going through this alone, although you may need some alone time to process everything. Try not to worry about what wasn't said. Try to remember the good times. And I'm sure he knew that you loved him. If not, I do believe he knows now, somehow. 

best

Thank you so much. I needed to hear this.

I'm going to try contacting my mother. Once I get myself together and work up the nerve. 

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18 minutes ago, Seeker206 said:

Thank you so much. I needed to hear this.

I'm going to try contacting my mother. Once I get myself together and work up the nerve. 

I hope everything works out for you.  I was pretty much where you are not too long ago.  I was very sick and had completely lost contact with everyone in my family except for mom.  I stay in regular contact with all of them now.  It's very hard to get back in contact with them all again.  I know exactly how you feel right now.  It's been a rough road.  Some of them have made my life harder and others have certainly helped me get this far so it's definately worth it but it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

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@sober4life Thanks so much. I'm so glad you were able to work things out with some of them. Can I ask how you approached them after so long?

I found the numbers of my mother and brother and put them in my phone. But I haven't been able to make myself call. I'm thinking tomorrow when I've recovered a little from the shock. I'm not in a strong place right now, and I'm afraid of one brother, in particular, making things difficult for me. But I do have the strong sense that I need to contact them -- it's the anniversary of my older brother's death tomorrow. 

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2 minutes ago, Seeker206 said:

@sober4life Thanks so much. I'm so glad you were able to work things out with some of them. Can I ask how you approached them after so long?

I found the numbers of my mother and brother and put them in my phone. But I haven't been able to make myself call. I'm thinking tomorrow when I've recovered a little from the shock. I'm not in a strong place right now, and I'm afraid of one brother, in particular, making things difficult for me. But I do have the strong sense that I need to contact them -- it's the anniversary of my older brother's death tomorrow. 

Well mom getting sick and ending up in the hospital started everything for the most part.  When they were putting mom into the ambulance she said to call them.  Honestly I was surprised any of them showed up.  Her getting sick and passing away was what got me in contact with them.  I'm sorry to hear about your brother.  I know how hard it is to lose the people we love.  I think it would be a good idea to call them.  Over my life I've changed a lot and I've had a lot of people I love pass away and as you said you never know how long anyone has.  I know how hard it will be but I wish the best for you.♥️

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