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Lindsay

How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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Just got off the phone with my eldest sister and her daughter (my niece).  They are doing renovations on a house they recently bought.  The phone conversation was totally useless.  

Edited by duck

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On 11/13/2020 at 9:50 PM, Depressedgurl007 said:

I feel like shit, horrible, worthless ..all this act of pretending to be happy and pretending that life is actually worth living. I still have to wrap up that shit horrible worthless feeling and place it in a corner and continue pretending to be happy. I hate this life. I have everything. But I still hate it. I should really just separate. I’m tired of pretending in this marriage. But if I leave there are many consequences which I don’t want to face. That’s why I hate my life. But yet I still pretend that I’m happy. 

I had to bail out of the marriage I was in. I was becoming suicidal because I saw no other way out. I realized that getting away from constant hell was worth the consequences. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be posting this message.  

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40 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I had to bail out of the marriage I was in. I was becoming suicidal because I saw no other way out. I realized that getting away from constant hell was worth the consequences. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be posting this message.  

I think I will do that when I get tired of pretending. But the problem is my skill to throw my true feelings aside is very good. I’m great at pretending to be happy when I need to. The worst skills in the world. 

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Yeah nothing makes you more bitter than knowing you have to pretend to be happy.  Oh people will offer to talk about things but only because they know I will say I'm fine and don't need to talk.  One of these days I'm going to talk for 12 hours straight about what I'm going through.  That will teach them for playing the game with me.

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2 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

I think I will do that when I get tired of pretending. But the problem is my skill to throw my true feelings aside is very good. I’m great at pretending to be happy when I need to. The worst skills in the world. 

I've never thought I was good at anything but now that you mention it, I guess I'm a pro at pretending to be happy. Emphasis on "pretending." 

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

There's a point in life when you know how the rest is going to go.  You know when it's over.

Yup!  My life has being downhill for a few years now.  It will get worse as physical illnesses combine with verbal and physical abuse.

HUGS  for anyone who needs it.

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2 hours ago, duck said:

Yup!  My life has being downhill for a few years now.  It will get worse as physical illnesses combine with verbal and physical abuse.

HUGS  for anyone who needs it.

Hey man how have you been?

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11 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I had to bail out of the marriage I was in. I was becoming suicidal because I saw no other way out. I realized that getting away from constant hell was worth the consequences. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be posting this message.  

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have not loved in this case? Not to pry, but I often wonder about such cases, given the prevalence of apparently unhappy marriages in my family and some others I know. (One of them is fighting a nightmare child support battle right now.)

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3 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have not loved in this case? Not to pry, but I often wonder about such cases, given the prevalence of apparently unhappy marriages in my family and some others I know. (One of them is fighting a nightmare child support battle right now.)

I guess it depends how u feel towards your experience of previous relationships..? But when it’s good, it’s really good. The in love feeling. Heartbreaks can be horrible but they can teach us a lot and make us more mature. There is always a risk. Those ppl who got a divorce never expected their spouses to cheat or that they would get a divorce too. No one marries someone else thinking it will end. You got to be willing to take the risk n be practical about it. It can swing from one end of the pendulum to the other end. That’s why I’m always on the fence on where to go with this 😞 And without this place, I would never get the support I need to keep going. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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8 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have not loved in this case? Not to pry, but I often wonder about such cases, given the prevalence of apparently unhappy marriages in my family and some others I know. (One of them is fighting a nightmare child support battle right now.)

Well, I got a wonderful daughter out of the deal. My ex and I did well for a few years but things deteriorated badly after awhile. I often wonder what I'd choose if I could do it all over again, knowing what I do now, or if I could do something to head off the problems.

Edited by JD4010

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I'm...not okay. I was doing pretty well for awhile but now...I'm close to tears and I feel like shit. I know I should go to bed but I don't see the point if I can already tell I'm going to wake up miserable.

...and even seeing Jane on Weakest Link didn't help much; like, the most I managed was a few very halfhearted laughs. 

 

 

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On 11/16/2020 at 10:03 AM, anon22ae said:

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have not loved in this case? Not to pry, but I often wonder about such cases, given the prevalence of apparently unhappy marriages in my family and some others I know. (One of them is fighting a nightmare child support battle right now.)

Well, I have loved and lost. After a massively stressful divorce, I would do it all again. I just wouldn't remarry 😂

The whole thing was a big adventure from beginning to end. Even the bad stuff. I have no regrets and am totally willing to do it again. It added a lot of opportunity and interest to my life 👍 Best thing about it was having someone to go on holiday with and second best was having a homie to chill with, it made me feel safe and relaxed. 

Yes, it ended. That's OK. I'm mostly healed now and ready to start again 😂 

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"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." -- Tennyson?

What about never to have loved at all and still lost? I guess that must be worst of all.

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I made it to bed but my mind is too awake to sleep and even if I could, I can't stop crying so it's useless. Don't ask me what's wrong cause I don't know. Everything just hurts and I wish I could disappear for awhile. Not die, obviously, just disappear into a void and not feel anything for awhile, yknow? Or curl up in Jane's lap until I feel okay again.

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I am finding it harder to control my moods. 

I am constantly irritated and I go overboard at even the smallest setbacks. 

I am angry and anxious all the time 

I have all the hallmarks of burnout (and I have been there before). 

All the options available to me are even more of a downward spiral. At my age thee is nothing to look forward to. 

Fck I hate life and more to the point, myself. 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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Yeah I feel the same way.  It's probably because I know the holidays are coming and I have to be "perfect".  I'll mostly starve until then and probably pack my bags before I go to visit them.  One bad conversation and I'll feel like I have to hit the road as soon as I get back to the house.

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Me three. I've achieved burn out. I have lost interest in everything. I can't muster energy to do anything. I dropped a piece of cherry pie on the floor last night and didn't even want to bother cleaning it up. I just sat there and stared at it for a few minutes, and then resumed watching Star Trek. I didn't swear or even react. I simply didn't care.

Edited by JD4010

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27 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I probably would have eaten it off the floor even if it was there the whole night to be honest not because I care because there wouldn't be anything on earth that could stop it.

Pssst. Don't tell anybody, but it wasn't until this morning that I actually wiped the linoleum floor where it landed.

If the cats don't care, I certainly don't either.

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