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Lindsay

How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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On 10/19/2020 at 4:31 AM, anon22ae said:

All virtual where I am... pretty sure it's the case almost everywhere else in the US. I suppose I could request a session in-person, but I might need to move heaven and earth to succeed.

On the other hand, dentists are open again and I've been to one. I know it's hard to do dentistry virtually, but if I can see a dentist in person, why not any other doctor?

 

I was wondering about dentists too.  It's such a confusing time,

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On 10/19/2020 at 8:30 AM, samadhiSheol said:

Nope. I don’t see the point. After three years of therapy(chronic insomnia and exhaustion)  the outcome was I was chronically dissatisfied with myself and life in general. Wow. What a revelation.
 

since then I tried to just shrug it off. Didn’t work. I tried therapy again, three or four different therapists, after 15 years of feeling frustrated and empty within. No one has a clue what to do with me. The last therapist I saw was more interested in telling about his exploits and achievements than me. I gave up after seeing him 5 or 6 times.

I think I just gave up in general. No I am just waiting to die or get the he courage to end this all
 

I've been lucky with some great therapists.  Several of them knew each other which I liked.  I'm the one who doesn't do the work. By this time it's up to me.  I sort of gave up too I guess.   Don't end it all, we enjoy your posts. It really is like a family here.  But I have trouble communicating on forums and I get confused and stuck in the virtual part.  Probably 'cause I'm older and used to sitting and gabbing with a beverage at a table.  I just feel lost.

There are zoom therapy sessions.. 

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9 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

No don't say it should have been you ...no one knows when their time will be ..and death is part of life whether it hurts us or not. It's very hard to accept the loss of a person you loved..I completely understand that..but you sound like a very caring person , and like I've said before the way you speak/talk about your mother is wonderful/beautiful. And of course you inspire many on this forum, and in the real world, without realizing it..trust me..i truly believe there are people out there that have been inspired by something you said, you've done, and look up to you.. The illness won't allow us to see that, but I believe it, certainly not every day, because i have my bad days too and I feel like I can't take it, and I feel like a loser who does not belong here, but sometimes I have my good days.. Also it's tougher for us because i think we constantly struggle with appreciating ourselves , and we question pretty much everything and that can lead to a low self-esteem, and criticizing ourselves and making ourselves feeling like we are nothing. I have a lot of anxiety and I struggle with that a lot. I am learning to get better, but it's not easy. I over analyze things , and many times I need like to hear it from others "hey you are doing a good job" or "thanks for the help" , because my mind plays tricks on me..

Also i think in the real world it's harder for people to openly say to you , or any of us, how much they look up to you, respect you, and might be grateful to you, because some people are afraid how someone might take it, some people don't know how, they might be afraid it might be taken the wrong way.  Here we can easily tell you , and everyone on here that we are grateful for each other and thankful to have each other..but in the every day life it's harder , sometimes you are afraid to approach people out of fear of them perhaps taking it the wrong way.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Just wanna say your post is beautiful. I guess we tend to live for the one or two good people we were with in our lives. As empty as life is, as dissatisfied as we feel, we still gotto try to find meaning in a meaningless world. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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17 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm not saying I have the means.  Retirement means done with people.  There's no other way to have any type of peace in this life.  Chances are my retirement will be spent at the Salvation Army or homeless at some point and I don't care.  I can't care.  I have a condition where you are alone for the rest of your life after your diagnosis.  You can not trust anyone ever again.  I will not be abused by people ever again.  I've had enough abuse to fill up 20 lifetimes at this point!

HIGH FIVE!  

I avoid people like the plague!  They are always abusing me and getting away with it.   

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14 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

Or you can just accept it as it is what it is....it's unfair that's for sure......and some will have it easier than others, and some will laugh, and have a better life. ..but some unfortunately will suffer more....the why remains unanswered to many people , but some turn into faith/religion/etc.. so everyone has their own answer as to why some have it easier than others..it all depends on your personal beliefs and views...

Please don't hate yourself...

I don’t even know what acceptance means. Neither do the concepts ”self-love” or ”forgiving yourself” mean anything to me. 
 

I have made the right noises  as to taking care of myself. I have tried education and helping out when I can etc.  But at the end of the day it changes nothing. I am still  trapped in a life I don’t want and I don’t even know what I want. 
 

I don’t like people and as far as I can see, humanity is stupid and the planet is f ucked because of our innate stupidity.

I have every reason to hate myself. I can’t get out of this f ucking rut.  The “little things” aren’t enough for me. I am fed up with life. I am fed up with being the constant failure I am. I am not interested in the options open for me. 

You know, it all really boils down to my job. All of the jobs I have had. One third of my adult life  has been spent in dead end, soul-sucking jobs. A few years of unemployment too.  The prospect of retirement scares me like hell. Even less money, less prospects. And it sucks the energy out of you. Everything you do feels like a pointless effort.
 

And another thing entirely is the fact that life isn’t worth living at any cost. Life isn’t “priceless” and I fail to see the significance saying how lucky we are to be alive. If we weren’t here in the first place, no one would be around wondering about at anything. Just saying. I don’t feel “lucky”. It’s all just chance. A big cosmic lottery “win” that there is anything in the first place. Another thing entirely is asking is existence a boon or a bane.
 

Yes, I am disappointed with life. More to the point though, I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed with myself because of my failures to find myself. 
 

I hate myself and the sooner I am gone the better. 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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4 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I don’t even know what acceptance means. Neither do the concepts ”self-love” or ”forgiving yourself” mean anything to me. 
 

I have made the right noises  as to taking care of myself. I have tried education and helping out when I can etc.  But at the end of the day it changes nothing. I am still  trapped in a life I don’t want and I don’t even know what I want. 
 

I don’t like people and as far as I can see, humanity is stupid and the planet is f ucked because of our innate stupidity.

I have every reason to hate myself. I can’t get out of this f ucking rut.  The “little things” aren’t enough for me. I am fed up with life. I am fed up with being the constant failure I am. I am not interested in the options open for me. 

You know, it all really boils down to my job. All of the jobs I have had. One third of my adult life  has been spent in dead end, soul-sucking jobs. A few years of unemployment too.  The prospect of retirement scares me like hell. Even less money, less prospects. And it sucks the energy out of you. Everything you do feels like a pointless effort.
 

And another thing entirely is the fact that life isn’t worth living at any cost. Life isn’t “priceless” and I fail to see the significance saying how lucky we are to be alive. If we weren’t here in the first place, no one would be around wondering about at anything. Just saying. I don’t feel “lucky”. It’s all just chance. A big cosmic lottery “win” that there is anything in the first place. Another thing entirely is asking is existence a boon or a bane.
 

Yes, I am disappointed with life. More to the point though, I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed with myself because of my failures to find myself. 
 

I hate myself and the sooner I am gone the better. 

Sometimes I feel it’s just how our brains are? Certain lack of chemicals / hormones / small damaged parts of our brains we don’t know about. Makes it hard for us to find meaning / gratitude in anything no matter how hard we try. But for u, the key word is u did try. And that’s all u can do. Don’t be disappointed with yourself for failing, cos u made lots of effort to try, so give yourself credit for that. 

whats there to do after we have tried n we still fail? If there is a way out, I would go for it. But I’m forever worried what will happen to my daughter if I go. But I mentioned before, it’s hard for me to say “I’m sorry for your loss”. I feel if someone does manage to go, oh how lucky they are!  And for those still stuck here? What else can we do but hold on to each other’s hand for help just so that we can drag our feet through this life. 

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@samadhiSheol all of my miseries are work related also. Everything depends on it and if you have people to support its a must. If you don't have something to wrap yourself up in then life is just surviving each day. No bells and whistles just the bare necessities. Or you can give up on surviving and live in the wild.

Edited by watalife

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22 minutes ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Can people just stop pretending to be happy or positive. Fake it till u make it doesn’t work. Unless they are not faking it. Sigh. Why do I still try. I’m tired of trying. Tired of pretending. 

Everyone is pretending all the time.  We live in a world where you have no choice.  If everyone was themselves today you would think you were in a different world.

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I want to die. But i know i wont die now. The feeling wont go away either. So i just stay here in DF to comfort me. Reading peoples posts in here, helps to comfort  me. 

Edited by Camellia

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Family were here today so I did the usual thing.  I acted as bizarre as I could possibly act hoping they wouldn't come back.

I understand your thinking, but sometimes that can backfire.  They decide they need to 'keep a closer eye on you.'  In my experience, it is better to be as boring as possible.  As in, 'nothing at all going on here.'  Of course, every family is different -- and some are really different.  😆

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2 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

I understand your thinking, but sometimes that can backfire.  They decide they need to 'keep a closer eye on you.'  In my experience, it is better to be as boring as possible.  As in, 'nothing at all going on here.'  Of course, every family is different -- and some are really different.  😆

I've done both but I always think about mom's old teacher who would jump up on the desk in front of the class and make bird noises at the class.  Sounds like fun to me.  The nerve and the confidence it takes to do something like that on a regular basis is impressive.  He ended up in the state mental hospital but he had fun along the way.:unsure:

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9 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Sometimes I feel it’s just how our brains are? Certain lack of chemicals / hormones / small damaged parts of our brains we don’t know about. Makes it hard for us to find meaning / gratitude in anything no matter how hard we try. But for u, the key word is u did try. And that’s all u can do. Don’t be disappointed with yourself for failing, cos u made lots of effort to try, so give yourself credit for that. 

whats there to do after we have tried n we still fail? If there is a way out, I would go for it. But I’m forever worried what will happen to my daughter if I go. But I mentioned before, it’s hard for me to say “I’m sorry for your loss”. I feel if someone does manage to go, oh how lucky they are!  And for those still stuck here? What else can we do but hold on to each other’s hand for help just so that we can drag our feet through this life. 

I think this is all we have. Heaven/hell is the here and now. Our physical/mental make up on  the one hand, and the socio-cultural economic respective paradigm we happen to live in determines how we perceive the world around us and defines the parameters we get to live in. We either conform or we don’t. We adapt or we don’t. We WANT to adapt or not. 
 

For some of us, life will never make sense. We have responsibilities and we live for others. The hell part is living for others and having no reason to live for ourselves. And for some, this will not be reason enough to stick around. 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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Yeah I don't want to adapt or fit in.  I'm more comfortable being the strange one.  It's been obvious to me they have been trying to form us all into the same person type for years now.  They want one opinion on things at this point.  Sure this is a world where they say be yourself this place is all inclusive but at the same time we have cancel culture.  Before we know it we're all proud to have the same opinions and we will be proud members of the same group they've chosen for us and nobody better get in the way of our group.  No thanks I'll be the "weird" one out here in the woods.

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This weird, vague, dullness. Maybe that's just the definition of boredom. I don't know. But I'm not even sure what I want to be doing. And there's some weird stress that goes with all that.

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15 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I don’t even know what acceptance means. Neither do the concepts ”self-love” or ”forgiving yourself” mean anything to me

I've never been able to grasp those concepts either. "Self-love" sounds too much like vanity to me. And I'm not able to find much in myself to love in the first place, even if I wanted to be vain.

10 hours ago, watalife said:

all of my miseries are work related also. Everything depends on it and if you have people to support its a must.

Ditto. My daughter and my ex are both dependent on me. My ex works some but I burn myself out in this job to send them both money every month. After two back-to-back vet bills totaling $1000, I'm not going to be able to make it through this month financially. It frustrates the hell out of me to know that my constant stress and anxiety from work barely maintains my meagre lifestyle. I often wonder "what's the point?" 

Indeed, what is the point?

Edited by JD4010

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On 10/24/2020 at 3:35 AM, samadhiSheol said:

I don’t even know what acceptance means. Neither do the concepts ”self-love” or ”forgiving yourself” mean anything to me. 
 

I have made the right noises  as to taking care of myself. I have tried education and helping out when I can etc.  But at the end of the day it changes nothing. I am still  trapped in a life I don’t want and I don’t even know what I want. 
 

I don’t like people and as far as I can see, humanity is stupid and the planet is f ucked because of our innate stupidity.

I have every reason to hate myself. I can’t get out of this f ucking rut.  The “little things” aren’t enough for me. I am fed up with life. I am fed up with being the constant failure I am. I am not interested in the options open for me. 

You know, it all really boils down to my job. All of the jobs I have had. One third of my adult life  has been spent in dead end, soul-sucking jobs. A few years of unemployment too.  The prospect of retirement scares me like hell. Even less money, less prospects. And it sucks the energy out of you. Everything you do feels like a pointless effort.
 

And another thing entirely is the fact that life isn’t worth living at any cost. Life isn’t “priceless” and I fail to see the significance saying how lucky we are to be alive. If we weren’t here in the first place, no one would be around wondering about at anything. Just saying. I don’t feel “lucky”. It’s all just chance. A big cosmic lottery “win” that there is anything in the first place. Another thing entirely is asking is existence a boon or a bane.
 

Yes, I am disappointed with life. More to the point though, I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed with myself because of my failures to find myself. 
 

I hate myself and the sooner I am gone the better. 

I can't say that I agree with everything, but I agree with some things you've written, which is fine we all have different options/views... Humans are never satisfied and have messed up the planet because of their stupidity, and greed , Yes I completely agree with you on that. It's very rare that you meet a nice person/friend who will stick by you until the end, most people just look out after themselves, or only come around when they need you. I don't open up easily, and I trust very few people in my life. I don't think people are "happy" , happiness comes and goes in moments. Do you think others are better off than you are? Sometimes I think people are better off than I am, and then they tell me how miserable their marriage, life , etc, is and they stay together for the kids, various reasons, and are jealous because I'm single and can do whatever I want, when they are trapped in a life/lie they hate.   If you say you have done the right choices in taking care of yourself, but you are still lost, you failed to find yourself, and don't know what you want, isn't that perhaps a matter you should consider looking into deeper?

I am not any better than you, or anyone else on this forum. I am disappointed in life as well because things didn't go as the way I hoped for, and I always struggled with this illness. I can't agree with you on the statement that "life isn't worth living" because I think it is, it's just not fair and we have all experienced that, some more than others.  My life isn't the best I hate this illness, but comparison is the chief of joy as the say.  I always wonder what the people who are starving, women and children getting raped and killed and abused in third world countries think about us, and why their luck/life was way worse than ours..

The idea of retirement and growing old scares every single person in their lifetime. >>>>>

A recent survey, conducted online by Harris Poll on behalf of Pfizer's Get Old, found that 87% of Americans have at least one fear when they think about getting old....

 

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I'll fear people when I get older.  Grandma's mom was very active and would not listen to anyone up to the very end when they warned her to slow down and she fell off the porch and broke a bone and ended up in the nursing home for the last 5 years of her life.  So grandma was like me she worried about everything.  She was terrified she would end up like her mother so she was extremely fearful of falling and extremely fearful of family keeping an eye on her all the time.  She was afraid of everything and everyone and she had a stroke from the endless stress level.  I only wanted to help her but I could have never convinced her of that just like nobody could convince me there are good people in my situation.  Me I do both things.  I take risks and live like I want but also fear everyone.  You never know who people really are and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.

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I wonder if anyone knows of anything new that will come next year in terms or therapy and or medications for depression/anxiety?  I haven't tried ketamine yet, it's too expensive and insurance wont pay..

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They had the sale at grandma's today.  It will be the last time I'm ever at that house.  It's a house that's been in my life my whole life and the only bad memory I ever had there was when I found grandma on the floor.  I don't have any grandparents anymore.  They were both great grandparents to me my whole life.  I never thought life would get here.  I have one parent and a brother and that's it really.  It's a scary life.  You always think life is impossible.  It can't get worse but life always finds a way to make it harder and worse.  I think back to the times when I would bake cookies with grandma.  My brother and I both would do it.  You think those times will last forever so you don't take them in enough.  The only thing that lasts forever is pain.  It switches to other things throughout your life but it never goes away.  I've lived my entire adult life broken and destroyed and with a broken heart.  I feel like I've been through a war.  The only reason I'm still here is because I'm tough and a scrapper and I've had to fight for every inch of it the whole time just to arrive in this moment and nobody's here.  It's dark cold and alone for the rest of this journey.

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