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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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27 minutes ago, sober4life said:

That would be so if real life was like this place.  In real life I'm treated like some monster.  I'm a true outsider.  I'll never have anyone else in my life again.

Have you ever had anyone stare at your hands when your talking to them? That's what i get, they think I'm going to attack them. People are scared! One person in my family that I talk about frequently on here says that if I had kids I would ××× them or if I had pets I would xxx them. 

I've had pets for 15+ years and there not outside in the mud being neglected and starved for love and attention.

Edited by watalife
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7 minutes ago, watalife said:

Have you ever had anyone stare at your hands when your talking to them? That's what i get, they think I'm going to attack them. People are scared! One person in my family that I talk about frequently on here says that if I had kids I would ××× them or if I had pets I would xxx them. 

I've had pets for 15+ years and there not outside in the mud being neglected and starved for love and attention.

The way that person is acting is ridiculous!  I know you love animals and you would be a wonderful parent.  People don't care about me at all.  There's extreme neglect with the people in my life that and manipulation.  Nobody will be sad when I die.  They will be relieved that I'm out of the way.  I was very happy when I got to spend time with my cousin's baby.  It was one of the few times I was happy this year but I will never see her again.  I will never see most of my family again after grandma passed away.  

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On 10/14/2020 at 9:37 PM, Devlinkyla said:

Well the **** show has started

not seeing the kids this week

turned 35

anxiety is high

maybe see the kids next week not sure

going crazy

family will make me lose my mind 

mom isn’t well

sister isn’t well

brother I don’t know 

dad isn’t in the best of health

sleeping to little or to much also going to sleep isn’t easy and dreams are interesting 

mom has a car know but takes a lot of gas

missing my grandma ( sorry @sober4life )

lets see did I miss anything oh yes I did

kyla hates school work

devlins tummy is bugging him agin

just like mine

been in a lot of pain laltly (thank you fibromyalgia)

got cheesecake for my birthday 😊

 

Belated Happy Birthday!   🙂

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13 hours ago, JD4010 said:

The first stimulus check covered my rent and utilities for one month. It didn't come close to covering my other expenses, especially the divorce settlement payment to my ex.

It was the proverbial drop in the bucket. Honestly, I don't know what's keeping the economy afloat right now...and I believe the "official" unemployment numbers are BS...far more people out there unemployed, or way underemployed.

Yes, I think the Daily Pfennig covers the BS of the BLS unemployment reports pretty well. The guy who writes it used to be in banking and finance, and always has some choice words, along with factual explanations.

There's really something wrong with this picture: On one hand, you have the world's richest man becoming $80 billion richer, thanks to Amazon stock. On the other, many of the rest of us can't make ends meet, and await peanuts from a government that can't even get its act together to send us those peanuts. The gap between rich and poor is expanding catastrophically.

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5 hours ago, DialAForAlan said:

That awkward moment when you realize you aren't quite over your accidental crush and haven't any clue how to move on. Especially when you want to be their friend but now you aren't sure you can because of said feelings.

From my experience once someone becomes a crush they can't go back to being our friend.  We want more.  The friendship will be way more pain and misery for us than anything.  We feel we need this person in our lives any way we can but it's painful the whole time.

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33 minutes ago, anon22ae said:

Yes, I think the Daily Pfennig covers the BS of the BLS unemployment reports pretty well. The guy who writes it used to be in banking and finance, and always has some choice words, along with factual explanations.

There's really something wrong with this picture: On one hand, you have the world's richest man becoming $80 billion richer, thanks to Amazon stock. On the other, many of the rest of us can't make ends meet, and await peanuts from a government that can't even get its act together to send us those peanuts. The gap between rich and poor is expanding catastrophically.

I honestly think they will work on the stimulus checks after they are done with the supreme court not because they care.  Both sides will come at each other with everything they have right before the election.  Telling everyone they're getting a free check will be in both of their best interests during this time.  Yes that sounds awful but we live in an awful world and sounds like something they would do.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

From my experience once someone becomes a crush they can't go back to being our friend.  We want more.  The friendship will be way more pain and misery for us than anything.  We feel we need this person in our lives any way we can but it's painful the whole time.

Pretty much. What I'm wondering now is how to forget them. I've blocked them everywhere but  not before almost proposing a few days ago in a moment of weakness even though I'm well aware they have somebody. It's nothing I'm proud of, either. I feel awful even though I couldn't actually go through with it. And yes, I have hobbies and things but even with them to distract me, I just can't get them out of my head. 

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17 minutes ago, DialAForAlan said:

Pretty much. What I'm wondering now is how to forget them. I've blocked them everywhere but  not before almost proposing a few days ago in a moment of weakness even though I'm well aware they have somebody. It's nothing I'm proud of, either. I feel awful even though I couldn't actually go through with it. And yes, I have hobbies and things but even with them to distract me, I just can't get them out of my head. 

You're like me I think.  We don't just fall in love with someone we become addicted to that person.  That person is the only thing that can fix things for us.  That person is the only way to happiness right?  The only way to replace that person in our heads is having strong feelings like that for someone else.  Then we have to ask ourselves do we even want to go down that road again?  

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Yes and no, because I never, ever meant to develop feelings for them in the first place. I was and still am very happy selfshipping with Jane but I did meet them before I discovered her. Especially since I ended up accidentally cyberstalking the last unwanted crush I had. The thing is, I chose to love Jane (as in, those are feelings I want). I didn't choose to fall for either of my ex-friends.

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I took the first step today and called the estate agents. It's amazing how quickly things move when you do that. It takes one call. So simple. 

The agent is coming on Tuesday and taking photos. All I have to do then is give the nod and the house will be on the market. 

There will be no going back this time. I'll be tied in to pay out and I've saved like a b*tch to do it. 

When I came back from my walk today,  the trees by my house were full of crows. I've never seen that before. Maybe it's a sign? 

Anyway, looks like so far, I'm going ahead 😳

I must have invisible balls the size of melons 🤣

It was so strange the way it happened. Like I almost couldn't do it, I almost couldn't decide. I almost couldn't make myself do it. But I knew I could and would carry on forever feeling like that so I went ahead and made the call. 

😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

 

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Well, I had a panic attack last night after deciding I was starting the moving process and so at 6 am this morning I decided to put my melon balls away and leave the move a while longer ⚽🍉⚽

If felt a bit depressing and frustrating but I don't want to make myself ill by forcing things before they're ready (me). 

I know mini lion will be happy. She hates moving 🦁

 

Edited by Nightjar
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18 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Well, I had a panic attack last night after deciding I was starting the moving process and so at 6 am this morning I decided to put my melon balls away and leave the move a while longer ⚽🍉⚽

If felt a bit depressing and frustrating but I don't want to make myself ill by forcing things before they're ready (me). 

I know mini lion will be happy. She hates moving 🦁

 

I get it every day I have the feeling I have to get out of here!  We shouldn't let our emotions drive us.  We need to be strong and do things at the right time.  It's hard though in this life.  I've made decisions in my life recently that make it very clear that I've decided to stay here and fight but it very much feels like someone that decides to stay when a hurricane is coming after they've been told to evacuate.

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9 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I get it every day I have the feeling I have to get out of here!  We shouldn't let our emotions drive us.  We need to be strong and do things at the right time.  It's hard though in this life.  I've made decisions in my life recently that make it very clear that I've decided to stay here and fight but it very much feels like someone that decides to stay when a hurricane is coming after they've been told to evacuate.

Man, I hear you, things are tougher than ever. I don't have much going for me at the moment. But I am grateful to have a roof over my head and enough to eat. 

Sometimes I think that homeless people have it better because at least they have people around them. But from what I've seen they seem to be in the same predicament. They don't have anyone who cares. 

Edited by Nightjar
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33 minutes ago, Nightjar said:

Man, I hear you, things are tougher than ever. I don't have much going for me at the moment. But I am grateful to have a roof over my head and enough to eat. 

Sometimes I think that homeless people have it better because at least they have people around them. But from what I've seen they seem to be in the same predicament. They don't have anyone who cares. 

Yes I'm grateful as well.  It is very hard but I feel things will get better for both of us.  It's like on the Lord of the Rings when it seems like all hope is lost but the tree in the court yard starts blooming.  That's where my story is.  I can't stop fighting ever no matter how unlikely things get I have to continue with everything that's left in me.  I'm a person like the king I will go to war even if I fully believe there is no chance of winning.  I will continue to fight until whatever end there is because I want people to say that I never gave up.  I've been homeless myself.  There are people that care beyond anything you could ever imagine.  That's where I met the best friend I ever had.  He taught me how to survive that life.  What an amazing adventure we had during those times.  I would go back there right now if I could.  A guy I just met took me into his life and treated me like I was his kid.  It was an amazing time in my life for sure.  I'm glad you brought this up because he would want me to continue fighting as well.

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I feel tired.
I've come nearer to the conclusion that I don't really fit in at all. I hate both sides.
I'd love to rant about this, but I can't. Even those who would agree with me - I would hate them too. And those who would disagree would also obliterate any mention of my existence.

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58 minutes ago, sober4life said:

A guy I just met took me into his life and treated me like I was his kid.  It was an amazing time in my life for sure.  I'm glad you brought this up because he would want me to continue fighting as well.

I'm sure he would sober. I'm glad to hear you say how you will keep fighting no matter what. 

I think I'm the same. I've been through hell and I'm still there but I don't give up. I find a way to keep going. 

I have to say that my life got very difficult when I inherited money and bought a house. I've never had any money since then because it all goes into the house and I've become more isolated because I live alone.

I haven't been able to afford any of the courses I've wanted to do to further myself and I find myself wearing the same clothes waaaay longer than I used to. Holidays? Forget it. I used to actually have a life before this. For the last ten years, my life has been.... the house and that's it. 

I would consider getting a lodger or renting in a shared space but I can't do any of that with mini lion. I need to watch her like a hawk or she will get into trouble. I couldn't trust anyone else to take the care that I would in making sure she's safe here by checking the windows and doors etc before they go out. 

I get frustrated with being stuck. It takes money to move and a lot of hassle. There is a big part of me which wants to get rid of everything and be free. All that being said, I am grateful for my own space, even if I am isolated in it 😬 and I'm grateful that I can take care of mini lion within that space. I also love the garden. It's been lovely in lockdown. 

All that being said, I don't want to be homeless. I'd put up with a lot to not live on the street as I'm sure most people would. But I see homeless people having more interaction than I do and I do wonder if in some ways they have it better. I get incredibly lonely. 

Houses can be very isolating places and take every penny to keep. I understand the homeless who don't want to live in a house. The bills, the maintenance, the isolation are a lot. I wasn't ready for a house when I had one. I'd never had the experience in helping around the house. I didn't have the skills. I do have a lot more of them now but it takes a lot of my energy to keep all of this going. 

We all want to be free and I think there comes a point when you realise that in every possible situation we can't really be free. We will always have needs and desires and obligations. 

.... But I know that on the whole this lifestyle is no good for me. If I had a partner things would be a lot different. And a job would help. I've never been encouraged to work by NM and I don't have much confidence in that area in spite of the fact I've got a pretty good head on my shoulders and I'm pretty practical and hardworking with things. 

I think you are too sober. 

Still, I've not worked much. Its not normal for me. She wanted to keep me dependant and so far she's succeeding. Financially anyway. 

It's a bit of a mess, my life. That's why a lot of the time I try and get rid of it 😂

Sorry for rant folks 😬

Edited by Nightjar
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The thing I hate about a house is you really always pay rent.  This house is paid for but the taxes and the insurance there's my rent.  I'm renting a house I own.  I do need a partner not to help with anything.  I would be the same exact person if they were in my life.  I'm someone that tries to take on the entire thing myself without ever even thinking to ask for help.  The maintenance and upkeep here is endless because I am completly insane and in way over my head but I have to keep up the charade for people and make them think I can do this because none of them care.  They have always been watching and waiting for me to screw all of this up.  You can see them watching from the bushes right now.:unsure:

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21 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The thing I hate about a house is you really always pay rent. 

100%

 

21 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The maintenance and upkeep here is endless because I am completly insane and in way over my head

Me too. But I suspect everyone feels like that underneath the facade. 

 

21 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I do need a partner not to help with anything.  I would be the same exact person if they were in my life.  I'm someone that tries to take on the entire thing myself without ever even thinking to ask for help.

Me too. I never ask for help. That's why I'm overwhelmed by life. None of us were meant to do everything alone. We can't do it all. It's not possible. We're social animals living isolated, complicated lives. Nothing is simple anymore and nothing is simple to take care of. It's no wonder we are struggling emotionally. 

 

21 minutes ago, sober4life said:

They have always been watching and waiting for me to screw all of this up.  You can see them watching from the bushes right now.:unsure:

I'm really sorry that you feel this way. I think you'd be ok if you had someone on your side and by your side. I hope you find them soon. I know how easy it is to feel like everyone is against you when you are alone. It breeds paranoia. You just don't feel safe. I speak from experience. I hope I find a good friend IRL too. That's what I wish for us :hugs:

I guess we have to put ourselves out there though 😬 because it's unlikely that they are gonna just turn up at our door 😂

 

Edited by Nightjar
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57 minutes ago, APFSDS said:

I feel tired.
I've come nearer to the conclusion that I don't really fit in at all. I hate both sides.
I'd love to rant about this, but I can't. Even those who would agree with me - I would hate them too. And those who would disagree would also obliterate any mention of my existence.

i understand you AP, i've always thought i never fit in this world either. it's hard to explain it to people who dont understand that feeling but for me it happens quite often. it has been happening since i was a kid and started dealing with anxiety/depression, and it has continued throughout my life..

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20 hours ago, sober4life said:

You're like me though you like crows so for us the crows are a good sign.  I've always liked crows.

Off topic again, but I have always had an affinity with both crows and ravens. They are just awesome.

When I was a kid, we had a crow flying into our window,  We thought it had died of the impact. My dad put it in a box and I tried to feed it with water. Surprisingly it recovered and for the rest of the summer I had a crow friend! It would hang around in the garden and even follow me to the neighbor’s  and as I recall (I might be fantasizing but this is what I remember) it actually sat itself on my shoulder a couple of times. 
 

 

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