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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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19 minutes ago, Atra said:

I'm very sorry I can't imagine how painful the week has been. Wishing you some rest and comfort while you're grieving. 

I was able to rest last night well let's call it a nap.  I had a dream about mom.  It was set up in a way to make me believe she had come back.  I ran down the stairs and hugged her and then I heard someone say you're on candid camera.  It turns out it was an actress playing mom.  So no I don't have a moment of peace in this life.

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I think I'm doing ok at the moment. I seem to be over my exhaustion or whatever. It happened when I stopped running around trying to get ready to move.

Maybe it was just an adrenalin crash. I dunno. 

Have been having thoughts about visiting NM but they are quickly followed by the realisation that all visits will cause me stress and ongoing pain. So, I'm still not visiting with her. Its been a month and a half of no contact and I feel a lot more confident in myself without the constant criticism. 

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On 9/28/2020 at 8:36 AM, DialAForAlan said:

Is "depression brain" a thing? Like where you get into a fog and forget the most simple things (such as an important item on your grocery list) or am I just strange?

Hi DialA,

Depression is probably a brain thing, and probably a gut thing too.  It can be quite a distraction for day-to-day routines, especially for simple things like remembering lists, or dates, or why you walked into a room.  Not strange at all.

best, Bulgakov

Edited by Bulgakov
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The funeral is over now so I can rest for the weekend no more plans.  I had an amazing at least to me spiritual experience with grandma today.  I'm not religious but I am spiritual.  I absolutely believe in that moment she was with me and watching over me from heaven but I won't discuss it any further but will say it gives me a very warm relieved feeling.❤️

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35 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The funeral is over now so I can rest for the weekend no more plans.  I had an amazing at least to me spiritual experience with grandma today.  I'm not religious but I am spiritual.  I absolutely believe in that moment she was with me and watching over me from heaven but I won't discuss it any further but will say it gives me a very warm relieved feeling.❤️

sober, I'm tearing up. So glad she reached out to you. I hope the weekend gives you some time to rest a bit (or stay busy, whichever is best for you).

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

The funeral is over now so I can rest for the weekend no more plans.  I had an amazing at least to me spiritual experience with grandma today.  I'm not religious but I am spiritual.  I absolutely believe in that moment she was with me and watching over me from heaven but I won't discuss it any further but will say it gives me a very warm relieved feeling.❤️

That's lovely :hugs::hugs::hugs:

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I think I've gotten better. Somehow powered into a state of maintaining my physical activity.
I haven't felt this stable for ~5 years. I'm socialising, arranging adventures, getting ready to study, biking, walking and actually seeing colourful nature around me.
Really hope this thing will last.

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1 hour ago, APFSDS said:

I think I've gotten better. Somehow powered into a state of maintaining my physical activity.
I haven't felt this stable for ~5 years. I'm socialising, arranging adventures, getting ready to study, biking, walking and actually seeing colourful nature around me.
Really hope this thing will last.

That's great to hear! 👏👏👏

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12 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

I feel so sorry for everyone on here 😞 If I could take away all the pain/worries, I would in a heartbeat 💔

I'm still amazed that other people get depression

When every second of every single day the Universe is F*** <my real name>, just <my real name> specifically, in Particular

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3 hours ago, APFSDS said:

I think I've gotten better. Somehow powered into a state of maintaining my physical activity.
I haven't felt this stable for ~5 years. I'm socialising, arranging adventures, getting ready to study, biking, walking and actually seeing colourful nature around me.
Really hope this thing will last.

What helped you start feeling better?:)

Edited by Mikayla
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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

I had an amazing at least to me spiritual experience with grandma today.

I am so glad!  I had something similar with my grandma when she passed.  It was so special! 

Unfortunately, things are very gray and down now.  I do not have the strength to explain.  All I can do is hold on by my fingertips.  At least kitty is curled up with me.  That helps some.  I wish only the best for all of you.

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21 minutes ago, Mikayla said:

What helped you start feeling better?:)

Not exactly sure. Fear probably; I started out walking every day because I had hypochondria associated with diabetes, cancer, liver disease and whatnot (I still think I may be in the process of developing these).
So I increased my walks in frequency, distance and time. I was terrified I'd be hooked up to tubes and left to be a vegetable.

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1 hour ago, APFSDS said:

Not exactly sure. Fear probably; I started out walking every day because I had hypochondria associated with diabetes, cancer, liver disease and whatnot (I still think I may be in the process of developing these).
So I increased my walks in frequency, distance and time. I was terrified I'd be hooked up to tubes and left to be a vegetable.

😀probably I'm on the right track 'cause I'm paralyzed with fear very often, I have hypochondria (I'm just not sure if it is hypochondria or I already am seriously ill) I feel deep inside that I would feel better if I was able to find a normal job. 

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On 9/30/2020 at 7:24 PM, sober4life said:

I've felt mostly numb and exhausted this week.  I hope never have to tell anyone what happened this week.🤷‍♀️  I mean I'm doing fine.  I'm so tired of feeling like I have to say that but I'm afraid of everyone and I doubt I'll ever have a real conversation with anyone again.  I feel very alone in this world.

I hear you Sober!   I am here for you. 

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On 10/1/2020 at 7:34 PM, APFSDS said:

Not exactly sure. Fear probably; I started out walking every day because I had hypochondria associated with diabetes, cancer, liver disease and whatnot (I still think I may be in the process of developing these).
So I increased my walks in frequency, distance and time. I was terrified I'd be hooked up to tubes and left to be a vegetable.

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time!

 My nurse told me to walk one hour a day.

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On 9/30/2020 at 1:41 AM, anon22ae said:

If it's a day's drive or less to the Rocky foothills, I consider it west enough for me. I'm also looking to escape the east and the south, having spent my "formative" years there. Montana, Wyoming, Idaho seem like the most perfect states, along with the neighboring ones, though the people there don't always seem welcoming to outsiders. I think they know they live in relative paradise and don't want any no-goodniks like myself coming in to violate their territory.

I used to live in northern Colorado but have lived east of the Mississippi for 31 years now. I miss "the west". The states you mention are appealing to me, along with NM.

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3 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I used to live in northern Colorado but have lived east of the Mississippi for 31 years now. I miss "the west". The states you mention are appealing to me, along with NM.

Yeah I want to be off the grid completely.  I could be if I didn't have tons of family around.  I have a neighbor that lives off the grid.  I've never actually seen him but he smashed up his mail box and cancelled the mail.  I've never seen anyone go to his house.  He has a well and a generator.  He never has to see anyone again!❤️

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I hate how I am so angry n irritated I have nowhere to express it. I don’t know what to do. I wish I can just disappear from this earth. I hate myself, totally hopeless and useless and I don’t even have a purpose on this damned planet why do I even bother to get up and struggle every single day. I totally hate myself and I can’t even k ill myself. Why bother why try I’m sick n tired of everything.

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On 9/23/2020 at 4:03 AM, JD4010 said:

I haven't been here for a week but I wanted to respond to your post now. Sorry you had to come back to the site.

I struggled with booze for many years. It almost won...but I was able to pull myself out of it in the end. I loved booze beyond anything so it was a tough battle to quit...but here I am over two years sober.

If I can do it, so can you.

Hope you are OK right now.

Thank you so much for your response. So very proud of you for going through that journey and making it out on the other side! I'm sure it wasn't easy. If I am being completely honest, I battle with myself all of the time of whether I want to stop drinking or not. It is so hard to commit to not having it at all ever again and I know I don't need it and I don't think I am that bad, but then one day I mess up and I hate myself. I just despise that I feel like I lose control, I hate not being in control, but I love the feeling alcohol gives me. I don't know what to do. I hope this doesn't trigger anyway; I am just trying to express how I feel.

P.S. I am doing a lot better right now, I am trying to focus on myself and moving past the hurt I feel and losing the friends that I have. I will always love them and be there for them, but I think I need to figure out who I am without them, and I am slowly starting to accept that (no spontaneous crying this past week)

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2 hours ago, SavyM said:

Thank you so much for your response. So very proud of you for going through that journey and making it out on the other side! I'm sure it wasn't easy. If I am being completely honest, I battle with myself all of the time of whether I want to stop drinking or not. It is so hard to commit to not having it at all ever again and I know I don't need it and I don't think I am that bad, but then one day I mess up and I hate myself. I just despise that I feel like I lose control, I hate not being in control, but I love the feeling alcohol gives me. I don't know what to do. I hope this doesn't trigger anyway; I am just trying to express how I feel.

P.S. I am doing a lot better right now, I am trying to focus on myself and moving past the hurt I feel and losing the friends that I have. I will always love them and be there for them, but I think I need to figure out who I am without them, and I am slowly starting to accept that (no spontaneous crying this past week)

Alcohol was like a "best friend" that wanted to take everything from me.  It's like a friend that's in your life because they want to be with the one you're married to.  It's like having a joker in your life.  We'll never be in control but our mind will trick us into thinking we are in control of things from time to time.  That endless voice in our mind come on come on do it all day until we do it and then it abuses us emotionally the second we do so we go on a binge.  Technically we are battling with ourself like you said but it's us battling with a different part of our mind.  We care what happens.  We want good things in life.  That part wants what it wants now and doesn't care what happens.  Do I like the feeling of alcohol sure who doesn't but it feels good for an hour or 2 and then see ya later rest of the week or month or year.  By the time I come to my senses I might be in a real life scenario of the movie The Martian trying to get back home having no idea how I got there.

Edited by sober4life
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