How do You Feel Right Now? #12

[watalife]

[sober4life]

3 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Yes, I think a lot of us can relate to our own mind being our worst enemy. But you have proven that your spirit is stronger than that. I know you have what it takes to get stronger and stronger and you do such a great job of supporting people here. Even if you did nothing else, that would be enough. 

I am stronger than that voice.  Who knows why we were born with a joker voice in us that tries to trip us up all the time.  What is the point?  That could have been left out completely.  How about putting a strong supportive loving voice in our minds god?

[The_Unwanted]

12 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

My dead end job is k lling me. I hate everything about it. The commuting, the area it's situated in, the job itself,. I am 54 and all my jobs have been low pay dead end jobs. My life is at a dead end. Nowhere to go. All options are as bad as each other. Any changes i make in my life make no difference at all.

Story of my meaningless, futile life. I am out of options and old enough to see life as it truly is. Hopeless and pointless. More so when you don't even like yourself. Or anything else either.

Life is overrated and the persistance of continuing life at any cost baffles me to no end.

The problem I had for a long time at my job is that even though I managed some of the tasks well, and even though I was able to feel good about myself, I was surrounded by the wrong crowd for close than a year, no one wanted to be my friend, people were acting weird around me regularly, so I gave it up because I was tired of being around them. I had zero friends, they were all awful to me, I didn't have the right to refuse to being around weird people, they never took blame for everything, they said they're always perfect and everything was always my fault. Mutual respect was not possible no matter how good I behaved.

It only goes to show me the amount of needless garbage I have to put up with, when I apply to places where I don't belong, when people are bored all day and there's no possibility of being productive.

[RiverLight]

2 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

You are right, of course. There are things I am grateful of. In the past and even now.

The thing is, this has been going on for years and isn’t the first time I have gone through with being in this situation. Before though, I was 15 years younger and hope, though I had lost it then, wasn't irretrievable. In fact, all the jobs I have had have been the same. After a while I feel trapped and hopeless doing something I  don’t want to do and have no true feeling for.
 

No I am older and realize how little chance I have without skills or talents to speak of, or no lasting interests to be of any use. 

To be honest, I have never known what I really want and I have come to realize I don’t even know who I am. It’s part of the problem of course. A bit difficult to land in the perfect job/life if you don’t even know what you want or who you are.

Sometimes it’s like I am not even a real person. How can one not know what ones wants. Or who one truly is? I don’t even have values. Only stuff I have been indoctrinated with, societies norms, “treat others as you would want to be treated” etc. Nothing feels..authentic.
 

Nowadays I see my past as wasted(not completely of course, I have things to be grateful of). But my work life has been disappointing to say the least. And though I have things to be grateful for(a roof over my head etc.) none of it feels truly authentically mine. I don’t know the person living this life. 

What I have is just not enough.

 

I used to struggle with who I am and what I wanted in a career. For YEARS - in my late twenties and thirties. Then I gave up, and allowed the universe to just take its natural flow. And then I eventually naturally segued into and learned something I actually enjoyed - the work I do now. 

Not many people enjoy their actual work. Work is a bear. Who really wants to work, except those who are overachievers? If one is blessed to find work they DO enjoy, well that is something to rejoice. 

But most people in this world hate their jobs. You're not alone. 

Why not give up trying to find yourself and to know who you are and just relax and go with the flow of life as it is. Sometimes, this can lead to beautiful and unexpected destinations. 

[Nightjar]

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

How about putting a strong supportive loving voice in our minds god?

I think God is in the shower or skiing....... Or something

Can we put a supportive, loving voice in there? 

I think that's the real question

[Nightjar]

Slightly overwhelmed. Nite DF buddies 

[anxiousE]

Well, I'm feeling extremely upset right now, but i can't even talk about it. all I can do is make this face or cry.  or  

basically, i'm being kicked when i'm already down and told that I AM THE ONE who's causing distress.  

edit: sorry, I'm too depressed to get caught up right now. maybe in a bit, but don't hold your breath.

goodnight DF

Edited September 30, 2020 by anxiousE

[iWantRope]

16 hours ago, RiverLight said:

Hey, my friend. I feel your pain. 

Is there anything in your life that you feel grateful for? For example, lovely trips you've taken, having a roof over your head and food on the table, having a loving partner with you, any close friendships you have that you cherish, family members you cherish, beautiful scenery and landscapes that you love, or any hobbies you enjoy? 

I have found that gratitude helps me to feel better overall. It makes me feel far happier when I am in a more negative state. 

I am jobless with limited income and funds, but I have a roof over my head and food on the table, a husband who loves me, family members who love me and some close friends who love me. That makes me feel very grateful. 

When we focus on all the negatives or on what is lacking, we feel far more negative. When we focus on what we DO have that is positive or a silver lining, we can feel far more positive. 

Just some thoughts for you! 
 

Only deluded people believe silver linings exist

The only thing in my life that I feel grateful for: the air I breathe has oxygen in it, & not 100% chlorine or sarin gas 

[anon22ae]

On 9/28/2020 at 4:45 AM, sober4life said:

You can absolutely find a house here for 25000 or under.  This is a peaceful quiet place.  You'll talk to your neighbors in the beginning and on rare occasions maybe never again.  People come here to hide but at the same time if you need help you will get it here.  Rural Ohio is like Mayberry from the Andy Griffith show.  Some of the cities are very rough but you don't really ever have to go there.  The first debate will be at Cleveland Clinic and it's not even safe to walk outside there or cross the street.  They had to make a tunnel under the street to the parking garage because it's not even safe to cross the street there.

Thanks, that's good info. Is it really 25,000, or is there a zero missing? Where I live, at least, you would probably have to add a couple of zeros. (Well, I don't live in the most exclusive area, but even a ho-hum house commands 7-figure prices these days, thanks to the latest and greatest housing bubble.)

[anon22ae]

On 9/28/2020 at 7:40 AM, JD4010 said:

It's funny...when I was younger, I considered anything east of the Mississippi River to be "in the east." I moved to Wisconsin in 1988 so now I live "in the east."

I have the opportunity to move to a small farm in Indiana, just across the river from Louisville. I have it in my head that the location is both too far "east" and too far "south." But the potential for a major life change looms large. In a perfect world, I'd move further west again--Colorado, NM, Wyoming, Montana...but there are no opportunities anywhere and Colorado has become ridiculously expensive.

If it's a day's drive or less to the Rocky foothills, I consider it west enough for me. I'm also looking to escape the east and the south, having spent my "formative" years there. Montana, Wyoming, Idaho seem like the most perfect states, along with the neighboring ones, though the people there don't always seem welcoming to outsiders. I think they know they live in relative paradise and don't want any no-goodniks like myself coming in to violate their territory.

Edited September 30, 2020 by anon22ae

[Mikayla]

It's not very bad. I slept very well..I really think if it was like that every night, I would start living normally, I would be able to find a normal job (or still more normal than my actual occupation, although I think that 'occupation' isn't a right term for what I actually do) 

I just feel more relaxed now, calmer, like a life is still worth living at the moment.

 

 

[RiverLight]

4 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Only deluded people believe silver linings exist

The only thing in my life that I feel grateful for: the air I breathe has oxygen in it, & not 100% chlorine or sarin gas 

I'm not deluded. 

[Atra]

I feel like there are few if any spaces left for me to be in that are low-stress. Avoidance, whether it is the healthy kind or not, ain't a feasible coping strategy. Not for me, anyways. 

[sober4life]

3 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Thanks, that's good info. Is it really 25,000, or is there a zero missing? Where I live, at least, you would probably have to add a couple of zeros. (Well, I don't live in the most exclusive area, but even a ho-hum house commands 7-figure prices these days, thanks to the latest and greatest housing bubble.)

No zeros missing.  A lot of houses might end up being sold by an auctioneer.  You never know what you might get around here at some of the auctions.

[Nightjar]

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

No zeros missing.  A lot of houses might end up being sold by an auctioneer.  You never know what you might get around here at some of the auctions.

I had a look. Lovely houses with lots of land It's a little bit too far away for me n mini but if it wasn't, I think we might be neighbours

[samadhiSheol]

12 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Only deluded people believe silver linings exist

The only thing in my life that I feel grateful for: the air I breathe has oxygen in it, & not 100% chlorine or sarin gas 

Oh, silver linings exist. But is it enough, ay there’s the rub.

 

[samadhiSheol]

21 hours ago, RiverLight said:

 

But most people in this world hate their jobs. You're not alone. 

Why not give up trying to find yourself and to know who you are and just relax and go with the flow of life as it is. Sometimes, this can lead to beautiful and unexpected destinations. 

Yes this seems to be the case. What does that tell us about the world we live in? 
 

But people hating their jobs aside,  I feel there is no flow anywhere. I feel I am finally sinking in a sea In dead calm. Nothing anywhere.

[RiverLight]

14 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Yes this seems to be the case. What does that tell us about the world we live in? 
 

But people hating their jobs aside,  I feel there is no flow anywhere. I feel I am finally sinking in a sea In dead calm. Nothing anywhere.

I'm sorry you're so stuck in this place. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't know how I can help. Hugs. 

[samadhiSheol]

Goodbye democracy if it was there in the first place.

This world sucks big time. Or humanity does. I don't want to live in a world of trumps, Johnsons, bidens, lukachenkos, putins et al. ad nauseam. I am sick and tired of this f ukcing uncertainty and self-servicing, self righteous and double standard rhetoric we hear everywhere. If I was hopeless before I am completely crushed now. I don't want to live in this effed up world. 

Oh and I suck as much as everyone else. 

F cku you covid19. Fck you humanity for causing it. 

 

 

[Smcine]

On 9/27/2020 at 5:29 PM, sober4life said:

No this isn't earth anymore.  She's allowed one visitor her whole stay at the hospital and she was moved from one floor to another in the same hospital.  There's no empathy whatsoever right now in this world.  

That’s too bad.  When my mom was in hospice we were allowed 24 hour access but only 3 at a time.  My  brothers were with her when she passed.

[Smcine]

On 9/28/2020 at 6:24 AM, sober4life said:

Grandma passed away last night.

I am so sorry.

[sober4life]

I've felt mostly numb and exhausted this week.  I hope never have to tell anyone what happened this week.  I mean I'm doing fine.  I'm so tired of feeling like I have to say that but I'm afraid of everyone and I doubt I'll ever have a real conversation with anyone again.  I feel very alone in this world.

Edited October 1, 2020 by sober4life

[duck]

On 9/28/2020 at 4:24 AM, sober4life said:

Grandma passed away last night.

I am so sorry Sober.   

[Atra]

8 hours ago, sober4life said:

I've felt mostly numb and exhausted this week.  I hope never have to tell anyone what happened this week.  I mean I'm doing fine.  I'm so tired of feeling like I have to say that but I'm afraid of everyone and I doubt I'll ever have a real conversation with anyone again.  I feel very alone in this world.

I'm very sorry I can't imagine how painful the week has been. Wishing you some rest and comfort while you're grieving. 

[Atra]

The last evening working at my job. Feeling mixed emotions. Many coworkers reached out to me and it just felt awkward and cringy reading goodbyes over chat as none of us have been together in an office for five months. I'll try to keep in touch with some of them. 

It feels good to leave a job that doesn't have relevance in my future (and not be fired this time!). Demanded so much emotional labor but at the same time it was very fulfilling work. I think I did some good work there and now is a good time to selfcare and focus on school.