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How do You Feel Right Now? #12


Lindsay

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I posted this initially on the wrong thread.. 

Dark n' Stormy. Grim & Chthonic

Mellow and Morbid. 

It's exactly 40 years since the school bullying I experienced began. Now why the fck would I even think of that?? 

The devil: I will fck you up! "

Me: Way too late mate." 

Oh well. More vino, music etc. Who gives a fck anyways. I don't, not really. 

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People SUCK. I freaking hate people. I am SO done with them. I love my friends and my family and that's it. Everyone else can go to hell, except DFers on here of course. I am not talking about anyone here, for the record. 

But I am FED UP. I really hate all people. 

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47 minutes ago, RiverLight said:

People SUCK. I freaking hate people. I am SO done with them. I love my friends and my family and that's it. Everyone else can go to hell, except DFers on here of course. I am not talking about anyone here, for the record. 

But I am FED UP. I really hate all people. 

I know how you feel.  It's time for you to move away from the city and find a quiet place in the woods like I did.❤️

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4 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know how you feel.  It's time for you to move away from the city and find a quiet place in the woods like I did.❤️

ahhhh.... I used to live on the river within a nice stretch of nature and trails. It was amazing. I hope to move to a location like that again so I can kayak all the time again. Now that was heaven. I don't live in the city now. I live outside the city in a suburb, but it's city-like with close-knit homes and no nature around me right now. I miss it. 

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6 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

No you emphatically are not. 

Half the time I want to take my posts down the day after, let alone the ones I posted before.. 

We are our worst enemies unto ourselves, I think. The inner critic etc.

Other people (thankfully) don't see us the way we see ourselves. At least I hope they don't! 

Yes, that's right! I think we are our worst critics. We don't judge anyone else for pouring their hearts out in a post. In fact, we think it's brave of them. Why should we judge ourselves?

Also, I don't want to discourage anyone from posting their feelings on here. Actually, it's better if they do, as it's far worse to bottle it all inside. It's just how I feel about myself.

That said, I think you are very brave to open up here, samadhiSheol! It is an amazing thing to share your thoughts with others, especially those who understand and have been through similar situations, like many on here 👍

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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know how you feel.  It's time for you to move away from the city and find a quiet place in the woods like I did.❤️

Yes, that's been sort of a dream of mine for years. Every day I imagine being free somewhere remote, away from the corporate swamp. I wish I had the means... maybe one day, if I live long enough.

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18 minutes ago, anon22ae said:

Yes, that's been sort of a dream of mine for years. Every day I imagine being free somewhere remote, away from the corporate swamp. I wish I had the means... maybe one day, if I live long enough.

Houses in rural Ohio are very cheap.  Most of the local houses that have been for sale have been for years.  When you get to the point where you want to move you are very worried about not being able to sell your place.  Why?  Yes it's peaceful but there is absolutely nothing to do here.  If living here in this area is your dream it is very possible!

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On 9/25/2020 at 1:15 PM, RiverLight said:

People SUCK. I freaking hate people. I am SO done with them. I love my friends and my family and that's it. Everyone else can go to hell, except DFers on here of course. I am not talking about anyone here, for the record. 

But I am FED UP. I really hate all people. 

I understand where you are coming from.  Some people do suck!

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On 2/18/2020 at 6:53 AM, emptyman said:

I feel like crap. Each time I feel different it is only an illusion and then I regret believing it would last longer than a day or two. I hate myself. My mind keeps spamming itself with all the pictures of any possible self-harm, but that won't happen as I feel it's as pointless as my life.

Me too.

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I don't know what the purpose is for being here. I was raised to believe in God, that with God all thing are possible, give him our worries, and pray, ask and it shall be given, be kind to one another, love one another. God is love, love others as he has loved you. Honor thy mother and father. To even look lustfully at another man/ women other than your husband/ wife is adult. Your body a temple and is a gift from God.

So what when you when you do all of these things. You try to please God, you try to honor your parents, you are faithful to your partner, you put everyone else and their happiness about your own, you pray, have faith, and put your trust into people. You are promised to be rewarded but where is the reward when the people you have betray you and don't follow the word of God. When you still hold on and do the right thing and they are still mad and doing wrong. What then? I know we have our own free will and my will is to do right but they aren't and I am trying to be patient. My prayers are not being answered. I'm not seeing the light or getting any happiness or justice being served to those that are doing me wrong. I am just sitting here day after day being honest and loyal and praying and providing and loving and caring and working...but I am not seeing any change or happiness.  Then what? I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to be loyal and do right but I want to be happy  too. I want to be respected cared for but I'm not. So now what? What am I here for if doing right isn't being any joy or answers or purpose in? I can't make them do right and I feel horrible if I do wrong but I want to find happiness and am not getting it and me being unhappy and unfullfilled is causing more pain to others and then I feel bad for that. I just want the hurting to stop. I want to love and be loved. I want the loyalty back that I put in that is right. But that's not what others do. I don't have people in my life that do this. I get hurt and heartbroken and I forgive and it happens again now I'm so filled with pain and also fear. Fear of God if I do wrong, fear of trusting to just get betrayed once again, fear of opening up to love and them having free will to change their mind and me being hurt again. So what am I here for? What is the point of my life? I what is my purpose?  Am I just supposed to be here and unhappy forever? I need and want answers....

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Anyone here care to give me some advice here? My friend Kristin who I've known for several years now decided to just out of nowhere tell me she loved me. She has told me several times... In letters and over the phone. We've written to each other because of covid and have been there for each other through a lot of things. It's strange because I used to work with her but she moved to Michigan to get away from some things and try to restart somewhere new. She and I have made plans to see each other in December, I originally suggested that I was going to stay around for just a couple days. Now she wants me to stay with her for instead of a few days to about 2 weeks. So my question here... Is she wanting things to move to the next level or what? Second what in the world am I supposed to do with her for 2 weeks?

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They always say "keep busy" to take your mind off the depression and anxiety. Well, I'm pretty full up with classes and goals I have 'til the end of the year, but I still don't really want to exist. I don't dream about the future and everything still feels miserable. I don't see the point in quitting right now, but if something were to curtail my plans, it would bother me less than it should. I'm an empty husk pretending that I'm trying to be a productive member of society. All I want is to not be me.

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4 hours ago, roadking02 said:

So my question here... Is she wanting things to move to the next level or what? Second what in the world am I supposed to do with her for 2 weeks?

I will not presume to give you advice on this specific situation.  

Just one comment.  The Covid virus (and all of the related issues) has had a profound effect on society and each of us individually.  We each need to be honest with ourself regarding what we feel and how much of what we feel is reaction to the changes in society.  Then ... ? ... make our decisions and live our lives.

Good luck!  🍀

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On 9/26/2020 at 3:15 AM, RiverLight said:

People SUCK. I freaking hate people. I am SO done with them. I love my friends and my family and that's it. Everyone else can go to hell, except DFers on here of course. I am not talking about anyone here, for the record. 

But I am FED UP. I really hate all people. 

Okay this may sound freaky, but I get the feeling some of us DFers share one linked mind.

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4 hours ago, jkd_sd said:

I will not presume to give you advice on this specific situation.  

Just one comment.  The Covid virus (and all of the related issues) has had a profound effect on society and each of us individually.  We each need to be honest with ourself regarding what we feel and how much of what we feel is reaction to the changes in society.  Then ... ? ... make our decisions and live our lives.

Good luck!  🍀

@roadking02 I second that.  

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6 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

They always say "keep busy" to take your mind off the depression and anxiety. Well, I'm pretty full up with classes and goals I have 'til the end of the year, but I still don't really want to exist. I don't dream about the future and everything still feels miserable. I don't see the point in quitting right now, but if something were to curtail my plans, it would bother me less than it should. I'm an empty husk pretending that I'm trying to be a productive member of society. All I want is to not be me.

Got the feeling, I'm doing the same, filling every hour of my day. At some point we deceive ourselves. It's a coping mechanism, that keep us alive, that's all.

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