How do You Feel Right Now? #12

[samadhiSheol]

11 hours ago, duck said:

Please do not hurt yourself!  

 

I did but not badly. I just need to punish myself at times for being such a cretin.

[samadhiSheol]

18 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@sober4life How is your grandmother doing?

I should check in I guess. I'm doing reasonably OK. Not particularly depressed but I've got a bad case of anhedonia. I simply don't care about anything. I should be in a panic because of all the work I need to do but I just cannot bring myself to give a rat's @ss. About anything.

@sober4life, All the best and I hope your grandma is better.

@JD4010, I get the not caring bit. Despite all this psychotic rage I harbor. It’s like I am everything at once. Everything but happy as myself, with myself of course. 
 

[Mikayla]

@sober4life praying for your grandma and you. Hope that you feel effects of my prayer, hope you feel it soon. 

I need to find a proper job otherwise I`ll go crazy. 

[sober4life]

1 hour ago, samadhiSheol said:

@sober4life, All the best and I hope your grandma is better.

@JD4010, I get the not caring bit. Despite all this psychotic rage I harbor. It’s like I am everything at once. Everything but happy as myself, with myself of course. 
 

Thanks she's still stable.  I've never been happy as myself with myself either.  I'm not sure there is a myself is probably why.  It's been a lifetime of saying maybe if I'm like this or if I do this I will be happy but it's like someone that has changed their hair color so many times they don't remember their original color.  Who knows who I really am.  I'm not sure there is a real me.

Edited September 23, 2020 by sober4life

[RiverLight]

WHY am I getting bullied on numerous forums and wherever I go in life???????? What the HELL? Do I have a target on my forehead or back that says BULLY ME?

[sober4life]

1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

WHY am I getting bullied on numerous forums and wherever I go in life???????? What the HELL? Do I have a target on my forehead or back that says BULLY ME?

Going by what you said in another section is it me or is it the internet?  It's the internet.  It's a toxic place where people feel like they can say anything they want.  A lot of the time they don't even believe in the things they are saying.  They just want to argue about anything and everything.  More than anything I wish I could be like my Amish neighbors.  Who knows they might be able to go through life never having to ingest the poison of technology.  I always have to have something on and it replaces life completely.  

[RiverLight]

22 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Going by what you said in another section is it me or is it the internet?  It's the internet.  It's a toxic place where people feel like they can say anything they want.  A lot of the time they don't even believe in the things they are saying.  They just want to argue about anything and everything.  More than anything I wish I could be like my Amish neighbors.  Who knows they might be able to go through life never having to ingest the poison of technology.  I always have to have something on and it replaces life completely.  

Thanks Sober - I was really thinking it's ME. People love to just spout out crap and argue, don't they? What's the freaking point? They must have no power in their lives and it's the one place they can feel powerful, lol. 

[watalife]

This weather is making me very sad. And so is the thought of working and being seen in the public looking like I do. 

[Kogent5]

I remember now why I used to love school. I can be really good at academic stuff if I try. It's the real world and people that I suck at.

[sober4life]

Look at the world right now and people.  I'm not sure I want to be good at this.  There's not a chance I want to fit in right now.  I want to hide here until outside becomes earth again.

[cherryapplez2020]

Well hello df friends 

how are you all doing I hope ur okay 

am not well haven’t got to see the kids yet but going to talk to the ex Friday to plan or I don’t know depression is kinda bad so is anxiety but it’s I think could be wrong but I think it’s my paranoia it’s still getting bad but I guess it’s getting better can’t say a lot about that

 

[RiverLight]

So this member on a spiritual forum really got to me.

She argued very rudely with me, stating adamantly that I was flat out wrong (about an interpretation of my own spiritual experience) and to check my facts - she continued to argue her point then insulted me by calling me arrogant when I stood my ground and disagreed with her.

So I PMd her to address the issue, then she came back on my thread to accuse me of "verbal abuse" in my PM, and to tell me if I have anything to say to her, to say it in my thread. I wasn't abusive at all! I simply told her she was very rude and insulting on my thread and to knock it off when she doesn't know what she's talking about.

So at this point, I reported her (again), and the admin of that site says she's from the Netherlands and that it's a cultural barrier type of thing -- that she is very blunt and direct. In between the lines, this means that admin doesn't see that this person was aggressive with me, very argumentative, insulting and confrontational. I couldn't believe it - admin practically excusing this person's rudeness? 

I've seen this again and again on a number of forums I've tried. Bullying and abuse towards other members. 

I am seriously fed up with the Internet attracting all these toxic types that think they can push and shove everyone around. I am SO annoyed. 

[JD4010]

20 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Not as bad, but it’s all still there, all the anger and hatred, all the pointlessness, smoldering subterraneously, like a psychic Old Faithful. There is something manic about my “depression”. Sometimes it feels more like a psychosis. I feel so .. energetic in my Stygian m/sadness. It is all encompassing, like a psychic paradigm shift. Haha, perhaps it’s my superpower. Mr Self-Destruct.

Why is humanity so STUPID?? Why am I so stupid? I can’t watch the news at all anymore. I can’t stand the crassness that is human nature. I am sick and tired of everything. Life isn’t worth the effort. 

 

Are you an author? The reason I ask is because I think you would be (are) a very good one. The phrase "Stygian m/sadness" hit home with me. Bullseye! I sometimes think about writing a story where the main character is a complete psychological mess like I am. I could certainly make it believable because I have "profound experience," as they say. I would make the character hate himself the same way I do. Have him be a magnet for all of the rotten timing and bad luck that have been hallmarks of my own life.

Now, if only I can tame my ADD long enough to make it happen.

[samadhiSheol]

19 hours ago, RiverLight said:

WHY am I getting bullied on numerous forums and wherever I go in life???????? What the HELL? Do I have a target on my forehead or back that says BULLY ME?

I am so sorry this is happening to you. There is no excuse whatsoever for bullying. Irl, online, doesn’t matter. I don’t  care how fckued up  the bullies are in their private lives. They CHOOSE to bully. So fkcu them. I have no sympathy for them. You are better than they will ever be, Riv. Stand strong, and don’t let their little minds get to you.

Edited September 24, 2020 by samadhiSheol

[RiverLight]

2 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

I am so sorry this is happening to you. There is no excuse whatsoever for bullying. Irl, online, doesn’t matter. I don’t  care how fckued up  the bullies are in their private lives. They CHOOSE to bully. So fkcu them. I have no sympathy for them. You are better than they will ever be, Riv. Stand strong, and don’t let their little minds get to you.

Thank you, my friend. 

I'm reading up on bullies and whom they target (as an adult). I've read that it's people who threaten them in some way, or who stand out and threaten their self esteem. I guess I am very threatening, lol! 

[samadhiSheol]

Just now, RiverLight said:

Thank you, my friend. 

I'm reading up on bullies and whom they target (as an adult). I've read that it's people who threaten them in some way, or who stand out and threaten their self esteem. I guess I am very threatening, lol! 

Indeed. 
 

you are above their pathetic taunts and small mindedness. It is in your power to let it be and move on. You don’t need them. 
 

Right back at you Riv.

[samadhiSheol]

1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Are you an author? The reason I ask is because I think you would be (are) a very good one. The phrase "Stygian m/sadness" hit home with me. Bullseye! I sometimes think about writing a story where the main character is a complete psychological mess like I am. I could certainly make it believable because I have "profound experience," as they say. I would make the character hate himself the same way I do. Have him be a magnet for all of the rotten timing and bad luck that have been hallmarks of my own life.

Now, if only I can tame my ADD long enough to make it happen.

Perhaps it could be a joint venture, JD. A novel of a special kind of m/sadness, in the vein of Philip K d**k.

I believe you should make ADD work for you. We don’t have to believe everything establishment tells us. The world see ADD as an aberration. So fukc the world. 

Yes a story of a Quixotic battle against big pharma and the rest of the irrelevant establishment.

“Sam, JD and the Windmills”.

The novel could  end with us burning windmills. Haha.

Edited September 24, 2020 by samadhiSheol

[RiverLight]

2 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I am so sorry this is happening to you. There is no excuse whatsoever for bullying. Irl, online, doesn’t matter. I don’t  care how fckued up  the bullies are in their private lives. They CHOOSE to bully. So fkcu them. I have no sympathy for them. You are better than they will ever be, Riv. Stand strong, and don’t let their little minds get to you.

You're right my friend. They are small minded. And I am a better person than that. Meaning, I don't bully. As I've always said, the weak like to try and take down the strong. 

Edited September 24, 2020 by RiverLight

[sober4life]

They were down to a last hope procedure with grandma but the procedure is working.  The prayers are working so thank you for all the prayers and all the love and good vibes sent.  They're all helping!

[DialAForAlan]

I'm so tired it's not funny. Honestly, I feel like I haven't slept in a month even though I have, and no matter how much sleep I get I still feel that way.

ETA: At this point, I don't know what to do other than cry cause I'm just so exhausted all the time.

Edited September 25, 2020 by DialAForAlan

[sober4life]

I'm mentally exhausted to be honest.  I can't take any more!  I want to run for my life from this life but don't have the mental strength to do it!

[JD4010]

22 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Perhaps it could be a joint venture, JD. A novel of a special kind of m/sadness, in the vein of Philip K d**k.

I believe you should make ADD work for you. We don’t have to believe everything establishment tells us. The world see ADD as an aberration. So fukc the world. 

Yes a story of a Quixotic battle against big pharma and the rest of the irrelevant establishment.

“Sam, JD and the Windmills”.

The novel could  end with us burning windmills. Haha.

Ahaha. I'm loving this. Glad you mentioned PKD as well. He's one of my favorite authors. Seems reasonable considering the mental issues he went through.

Windmills! I've completely forgotten how to tilt at them.

[roadking02]

Took today off to recover from working nights and to deal with some phone calls from my doctors. Here in the next few weeks if prozac doesn't stop the constant twitching of my left eye then they will probably proceed with botox injections to slow the facial nerves down. Before that though they will do a physical examination of where one of my hernia repairs was done. Nerve damage or pressure on a nerve is what is causing the twitching. Seeing new doctors this time so maybe it will actually yield some results.

[babyxgothxx]

Am I the only one who looks back at old DF posts and cringe? I think I was being very immature in the past, or am I just being too hard on myself right now? I have changed quite a lot. At least I can use my old posts as motivation to continue to get better 

[samadhiSheol]

1 minute ago, babyxgothxx said:

Am I the only one who looks back at old DF posts and cringe? I think I was being very immature in the past, or am I just being too hard on myself right now? I have changed quite a lot. At least I can use my old posts as motivation to continue to get better 

No you emphatically are not. 

Half the time I want to take my posts down the day after, let alone the ones I posted before.. 

We are our worst enemies unto ourselves, I think. The inner critic etc.

Other people (thankfully) don't see us the way we see ourselves. At least I hope they don't!