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Lindsay

How do You Feel Right Now? #12

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Aaah..

Despite my existential ramblings..no wait perhaps BECAUSE of my existentlial ramblings and non-stop ruminations, I feel to empty to care. That is about emptiness.

Once I get home from work I intend to exercise. Then either read or netflix. So I feel..neutral but not in a bad way.

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I feel like crap. Each time I feel different it is only an illusion and then I regret believing it would last longer than a day or two. I hate myself. My mind keeps spamming itself with all the pictures of any possible self-harm, but that won't happen as I feel it's as pointless as my life.

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I'm going to see mom today.  At this point I fully believe I will be able to get through this nightmare but honestly does it even matter?  What am I doing it for so I can come back here and talk to the walls day after day until one day they fall in on me.  The first person that found me would take my wallet and not report finding me and the government would take the rest when they sell the place at an estate sale while they complain about the cost of having to cremate me.

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I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always does and always will.

I woke up this morning and thought very seriously about just staying in bed. But the pile of work I've got at the office has become absurdly huge and I'm overwhelmed.

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Honestly do not know how I feel.  As I have posted before, the anxiety is pretty well handled, but the depression is being stubborn.  Just came from the counselor, and I am going to try a different approach -- if I can make myself.  I told my counselor I was going to come to this site (not the actual site name) and ask for some support while I try to get a handle on the depression.  She thought that was a good idea.  Sooo, here I am.

When I first came to this site, I kept waiting for someone to 'scold' me for responses I posted.  ☹️  It took me a long time to realize that was because I am used to that reaction from the 'real world'.  Every time someone leaves me a 'Like', etc., it is such a positive thing.  Thank you all for your support.  (((Hugs))) to all.

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

Honestly do not know how I feel.  As I have posted before, the anxiety is pretty well handled, but the depression is being stubborn.  Just came from the counselor, and I am going to try a different approach -- if I can make myself.  I told my counselor I was going to come to this site (not the actual site name) and ask for some support while I try to get a handle on the depression.  She thought that was a good idea.  Sooo, here I am.

When I first came to this site, I kept waiting for someone to 'scold' me for responses I posted.  ☹️  It took me a long time to realize that was because I am used to that reaction from the 'real world'.  Every time someone leaves me a 'Like', etc., it is such a positive thing.  Thank you all for your support.  (((Hugs))) to all.

We are all very familiar with what it's like. No scolding from us!

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Anxious. On edge. My right front tooth snapped off on Friday night and I don't have money or insurance or anything to fix it. Now I feel even MORE self conscious when I go out into public (shopping, work, etc). I'm already an ugly freak and this is just more icing on the cake. Thanks a lot "life".

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It's been so long since anyone asked me that. I've been fragile lately, but I feel like I'm getting stronger. I'm starting to take steps to improve my situation instead of sinking or hiding. I think my seeking out community like this is a good sign. 

Right now, though...I'm WORRIED. About money, tax filing, medical bills, and most of all, getting money for school. About my roommates, because it makes me extremely nervous when I even suspect someone might be unhappy with me. About backsliding without access to counseling. About getting in touch with my family again after 10 years. I'm not sure I will, but I'm thinking about it, and I want to. I'm just really scared of their possible reactions. 

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So angry!

Yesterday a former member of my therapy group left me a lengthy, angry voicemail claiming I mischaracterizes a conversation between she and I, which resulted in her decision to drop out of the group. 

I'm angry because someone in group relayed details of what I said in therapy group to this former member, violating confidentiality. 

I'm angry because the former member had no expectation and no right to know what happens in group having made the decision to leave it. 

I'm angry because this former member texted the whole group saying they are dropping out of it, but not why and didn't respond to other members who were very concerned with their health and wellbeing leaving them distraught. 

I'm angry because I wouldn't have shared with the group what happened between us but for the fact that they were all informed of the persons departure but not why and that's all they wanted to talk about in therapy group. And they wanted to know what I knew, closure and so forth. 

I'm angry for being put in a position of knowing why this former member left the group and feeling pressure to share from both inside me and outside. 

I'm angry because I couldn't see any harm in having discussions with a group member outside of group and that blew up in my face. 

I'm angry because I create deep and meaningful relationships with people and I hate untidy endings to them. My therapist and  I both agree that I shouldn't respond to this former member's texts, voicemails, emails - even though I feel compelled.  

And I'm angry because this therapy group is ending for good this week for unrelated reasons and this is a really crappy way for it to go out. 

I'm angry because the last group session is this week and I'm going to have a hard time not releasing these emotions there. And at the same time, not wanting to because we decided to make it a farewell party. And this ridiculous drama does not represent the 4 years I've been with these people in this therapy groups. 

🤬

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Just now, Atra said:

And this ridiculous drama does not represent the 4 years I've been with these people in this therapy groups. 

🤬

Certainly not.  Neither does it represent those you've helped, or the job experience you've gained as a therapist.  I'd say just make it a party if you possibly can.  As for your ex session partners, gossip is a sort of therapy, bad therapy because it makes a person believe they are saying something.  That's before you even get to the ethics of confidentiality.  Since the band is breaking up anyway, it may not be worth the confusion that might follow any attempt to tie things up.  Best either way,

Bulgakov

 

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I don't believe for one second there is a force out there that only gives me what I can handle.  I believe from day one there has been a force that has actively been trying to give me too much to handle every step of the way and trying to wipe me out.

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Well, I'm back in good spirits today! Woke up at like 8:30am after going to bed at like 12:30am...and stayed awake! Can't beat that schedule! I'm starting to feel tired though. I could maybe have caffeine, but it's kinda getting late too. I don't really feel like exercising now either. Not sure what I'm gonna do tonight...hopefully this mood stays up though.

I do have a little anxiety developing (well, been developing since I first heard of it like 4 months ago?!) about this party this weekend. It has finally been confirmed that we're going. It's a work party for my husband's work and I'm nervous about meeting new people and saying the right things to impress them for my husband's sake. And of course what to wear because outfit sets the tone...but I want husband to approve it and he won't do that until like the day before. *rolls eyes Anyway, gonna try not to stress too much, but it'll be in the back of my mind now until it's over. It could potentially be a lot of fun though. I certainly hope it is!

Best

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I'm a week away from being sober for 900 days.  I have to keep that in mind to get through the rest of this nightmare!

That's awesome, congrats 

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Like there's no way I'm going to make it to 70. I can barely walk after working and I haven't been checked for health problems. What a great life experience.  

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8 hours ago, Bulgakov said:

Certainly not.  Neither does it represent those you've helped, or the job experience you've gained as a therapist.  I'd say just make it a party if you possibly can.  As for your ex session partners, gossip is a sort of therapy, bad therapy because it makes a person believe they are saying something.  That's before you even get to the ethics of confidentiality.  Since the band is breaking up anyway, it may not be worth the confusion that might follow any attempt to tie things up.  Best either way,

Bulgakov

 

Thanks very much! Those kind words heal the wound in me, your advice is terrific and I will heed it. Although my rage wants to see this group burn, as you suggest it is not worth the confusion. And besmirching whomever gossiped isn't how I want my presence to be remembered. That individual probably thought they were doing a kindness, a sort of bridge between the two of us who aren't speaking. 

Also, the director of the Ketamine program will be there so I wouldn't want this unfortunate incident to be seen as an example of failure. Thanks @Bulgakov for talking me down, you're a pal and a mentor to me.

I dont know what I'll say if the matter is raised again. I'll see how it goes tomorrow, find my calm and keep it cool. 

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9 hours ago, surfcaster said:

That's awesome, congrats 

Thank you.  I'm trying with everything in me to be hopeful right now.  Life is destroying me.  I'm putting everything into fixing my life day after day.  It's another day of I have no idea what I'm going to do to fix things but I have to rush into town like Clint Eastwood and take care of things.  I'm sitting here shaking because things are so bad.  I need a vacation.  I need to get out of here!

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17 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I ask myself that many times per day.

I do too, but I try to think of when I used to be happy sometimes , and it sometimes go away, sometimes i cry

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I remember the times when I was happier.  I was happier because I had a more naive attitude about life.  I believed there was some good in the world.  I don't believe that anymore and even if there is good in the world evil is in full control so I lose.

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