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FerryJerry

Loosing this fight

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I am really close to giving up for good and I’ve been trying for years to get help, I called the crisis team, my doctors who decided they wouldn’t offer me an appointment after I said that I have PTSD they decided I was to complicated after speaking to them and they palmed me off on to the crisis team who also palmed me off and I just get passed around like I am somebody else’s problem that nobody wants. My wife is ill, I’m ill and i don’t see a way out of this mess with no support, I don’t think I can be saved in this life or in the next. I can’t afford to pay to get help if I could I would pay someone to do the chores and help prepare food, I would pay for therapy and maybe check myself in somewhere until I feel safe again. All I feel able to say is sit or lay down and wait to feel okay again. I believe I have some kind of mood disorder which makes my mood change rapidly and little things can trigger me

i wish there was a way to guarantee that even after I leave this world I would cease to exist because I fear even more suffering. My mind is broken so is my body and I feel I am waiting for something to further break in it so I can leave this place

I ruined my life and other people’s and I’ve made no difference in this world.

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18 minutes ago, FerryJerry said:

I am really close to giving up for good and I’ve been trying for years to get help, I called the crisis team, my doctors who decided they wouldn’t offer me an appointment after I said that I have PTSD they decided I was to complicated after speaking to them and they palmed me off on to the crisis team who also palmed me off and I just get passed around like I am somebody else’s problem that nobody wants. My wife is ill, I’m ill and i don’t see a way out of this mess with no support, I don’t think I can be saved in this life or in the next. I can’t afford to pay to get help if I could I would pay someone to do the chores and help prepare food, I would pay for therapy and maybe check myself in somewhere until I feel safe again. All I feel able to say is sit or lay down and wait to feel okay again. I believe I have some kind of mood disorder which makes my mood change rapidly and little things can trigger me

i wish there was a way to guarantee that even after I leave this world I would cease to exist because I fear even more suffering. My mind is broken so is my body and I feel I am waiting for something to further break in it so I can leave this place

I ruined my life and other people’s and I’ve made no difference in this world.

Hey, my friend, I know that life can be extremely difficult at times but you can always

try to do whatever little bit you can and try to add to it each day.  Don't give upon on

yourself and life just keep trying to get better a little bit at a time.  Be blessed my friend

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FerryJerry -- I'm sorry you're in so much emotional pain, and that you haven't gotten the help you want and need.  I see you've been trying to take responsibility for your life (in that you want to get better and have a life with your wife) but you have been disappointed at every turn. 

I have this problem with my physical health; I've been in pain for years and no one has been willing or able to help me heal.  It's far too easy for medical/emotional professionals (ha!) to turn away from you, and trust me, it's probably because they know they're Impostors and, as you guessed, are afraid they'll be found out!  So, consider it lucky that you've been rejected by these people and can move on to find someone who WILL help you.  I have not stopped looking for concrete help, and it's slow going.  After two back surgeries and knee replacements, the pain in my back is sometimes excruciating.  Doctors in my State are real chickens and will not prescribe pain medication; so I live on Ibuprofen (a joke drug, to be sure) and turmeric with little result and just have to function feeling like (many times) I'd rather be dead.  So, I do things to take my mind off my pain.  I visit here at DF, I write, and watch a t.v. show called "Ridiculousness," my go-to program for a sure way to lighten my mood, and listen to music.

I know this probably is not helpful to you, but I want you to know that I empathize and hope you will find the patience and the will to keep going until your problems are addressed. 

Thinking of you --

womanofthelight

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Hello FerryJerry,

 I am so sorry for all the suffering and grief you are going through!  I can't even put into words what I am experiencing in my heart over your terrible, terrible suffering ! ! !

A trained crisis counselor or team is skilled in tackling complex problems that seem beyond solving.  They are experienced and skilled at breaking down problems into smaller, more manageable units and have connections to doctors, social workers, social service centers and helpers.  They should be able to handle complex problems regardless of the income or assets of a person in trouble.  That is the whole point of a crisis counselor or team.

It is heartbreaking that you are not being helped. It is just utterly, utterly heatrbreaking ! ! !

Since I am not a crisis counselor I lack the education,  tools, experience, connections and everything that would enable me to be helpful to you in a very real practical way.  Otherwise, I would definitely help you to the limits of my experience and resources. 

People here on the Forums, including me, are fellow sufferers.  None of us are trained to handle even simple crises at a professional level.  So we often refer people to crisis hotlines and centers.  I am not saying that empathy and understanding are not valuable.  I wish I had those when I was in the most hopeless mess of my life.  But what you really need are professionals who both care and have the know how to contribute real solutions and who meet your economic needs. 

If the crisis people you deal with are not helping, I would urge you to try to connect to other crisis personal or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline 1 [800] 273-8255.  If a particular person is not helpful, try to talk to another one and another one. 

Perhaps an attorney would be able to help you too.  There are free or nearly free law centers in many cities.

You have been on these Forums awhile and have helped me and others here.  You have made a difference in my life and the lives of others.  If anyone deserves to live and be helped, it is YOU.

My deepest apologies for not having the skills and resources to help you.  I hope others here will respond to you with the best they have to offer you and I hope it is better than my poor response ! ! !

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I remember when I was at my lowest from ptsd in the military. I was in the military psych ward and I felt like I was getting attacked by a pack of wolves and I fought them with my bare hands. I remember that night, I started to force myself to smile and I kept laughing like the joker and I kept my hands raised all night.

I did not care what people thought, I knew that my vessel was sick, there were chemical imbalances in my brain so I forced myself to produce endorphins to heal my amygdala.

From there I started bodybuilding to train my body and emotions. I became the master and decided.

It is profoundly difficult to crawl out of a hole alone. I would have died and not made it but I remembered the things mental health experts talked about and applied the principles.

If you are losing the fight then ask for help in the fight. What works for me may not work for others but it is always good to ask for help. I would fight your wolves if I knew how, life is complex though sometimes its not an enemy just yourself.

Sometimes when I look deep into my heart, I see myself when I was a child and I think what would I say to this child? Would I dash their dreams or would I inspire them to fight?

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Hi FerryJerry,  just wanted to add my support to a fellow sufferer.  Hope you can get the help you need soon.  Meanwhile try to add something small to your day,  however little that at the moment you can manage,  a few wise people have given that advice to me in the past (here) and I have to re read it to remind myself. Thinking of you,  hang on in there fella.

 

Edited by twotone

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