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Natasha1

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It will NEVER happen.

Today i was reminded of how old i am. Actually, yesterday too. 

Yesterday, i was in the mall and realized that i could never buy new clothes now ,(not that i have any money for it) because 1. The stores cater to younger folk snd im too old 2. The other stores cater to old ladies and im too young and 3. Im too fat.

I shed some tears.

Today, working with some younger people, some were really young, others are getting ready to embark on their journey of adult life. I am so jealous. Im jeslous of what they can do. What they can do.

Realizing that i cant. It has been proven to me over and over sgsin sndbi even have recorded proof.

It mostly comes down to me being old. And i will never be who i set out to be. Today it became so real. I can finally see what it all really is. And the meaning of my life is failure.

I experienced so much anxiety today. 

My head is killing me.

And i will NEVER be enough.

 

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@Natasha1 Oh, ya hey. That sounds all too familiar.

I am the "old man" of the office now. I've been there for over 31 years. Over the years, with retirements and new hires, the average age of the employees has gone down. There is now such a big gap between "them" and "me."

I'm on the "OK, Boomer" side of the equation. It's disheartening as hell.

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I feel in America they treat older people worse than in Europe, Asia pretty much the rest of the world as well.

But I think you should try to do what you want. I have seen people like Chuck Norris and Vanna White who are old but they look very good.

Also some people like older men and women. My type is woman is usually more mature at least in personality.

I would be wary of malls. American culture does not respect elders because there is money to be made in cosmetics, retirement housing and healthcare.

Unfortunately America is a melting pot which is great but also just a little bit of dye will infect the entire pool. We would hope that cooking the pot would remove some of the toxins but business gets excessive sometimes not a simple solution.

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I don't see you the way you see you, Natasha. 

You help me and others here on the Forums and so to me you are a hero.  Your life actualizes the greatest values there are in the world:  understanding, compassion, caring, kindliness and helping those who are suffering.

 

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20 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

It will NEVER happen.

Today i was reminded of how old i am. Actually, yesterday too. 

Yesterday, i was in the mall and realized that i could never buy new clothes now ,(not that i have any money for it) because 1. The stores cater to younger folk snd im too old 2. The other stores cater to old ladies and im too young and 3. Im too fat.

I shed some tears.

Today, working with some younger people, some were really young, others are getting ready to embark on their journey of adult life. I am so jealous. Im jeslous of what they can do. What they can do.

Realizing that i cant. It has been proven to me over and over sgsin sndbi even have recorded proof.

It mostly comes down to me being old. And i will never be who i set out to be. Today it became so real. I can finally see what it all really is. And the meaning of my life is failure.

I experienced so much anxiety today. 

My head is ******* me.

And i will NEVER be enough.

 

I understand these feelings, Natasha.  I, too, am at that point where I look back and see what I'll never be again.  Then I realize I never WAS that. 

I wanted to be thin as a young woman, and so I starved myself.  And I got thin.  And had a headache ALL THE TIME.  I can't do that any more because I already have low energy due to my health, my headaches have since turned to migraines (thanks for that, middle age  😣) AND because I just don't have it in me to  punish myself that way again.

I'm an actor and I look around and see young women writing, creating and doing their own projects and I ask myself, why didn't you do that?  Why couldn't you think that way?  The answer is because I came of age in a different time.  There was no Youtube to launch yourself as a cheeky, weird or just plain funny person; there was no digital video to make any work in front of the camera dirt cheap so you could create your own show and commit to a new episode each week (check out Randy Rainbow on Youtube); I was not constantly bombarded with media and possibilities.  I see YOUNG authors writing blogs, news stories and novels and am humbled by their go-get-it attitude.  A lot of their work is really good, but a lot is not.

These are examples to me of what is ACTUALLY POSSIBLE.  I have to make myself believe that even if I don't succeed, at least I tried and did not accept that the train had left the station and I therefore MISSED IT.   Yes, this takes courage.  The willingness to take risks and be rejected.  The greatest courage I could have now would be to try again. 

No, my body doesn't look the way it used to, but my hair is longer than I ever thought it would be and I LOVE that.  No, I can't wear the clothes I wore in my twenties, but a car accident damaged my lumbar spine and having zippers or buttons to fasten clothes is no longer an option--and if I even TRIED to wear them, it would be a painful attempt because I haven't been the size I was in my twenties SINCE MY TWENTIES.  Our culture has really come to downplay "dress up."  Everything is casual now and there are sporty, shaped blouses I can wear over pants without tucking.  I've had both knees replaced and my scars are UGLY.  So, so ugly.  No getting around it.  I used to have BEAUTIFUL, muscled legs and got compliments on them all the time because I wore skirts above the knee, but those days are over.  Just . . . OVER.  Because I can't bear to look at what I'm NOT any more.   I do work (as well as I can) to maintain the waist-hip ratio because it makes me feel more womanly, and I think you can't really look "fat,"  if you keep it.

But, I'm rambling.  Just know you're not alone and maybe give a thought to changing one thing about yourself every day--like writing a poem or something (you write poetry from the gut and the feelings it provokes are life-changing.  Whether I feel empathy or admiration or envy comes from my response to what YOU have given to the world.  And yes, the DF world is small, but sometimes that is just what I need.  And for those moments, it, and I, are enough.).

Love to you --

Marianna

 

Edited by womanofthelight
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  • 2 weeks later...

If you come up with the money there are many different mail order catalogs that carry sizes up to 6x in the US and Canada too. I learned about many of them through plus sized fashion influencers on YouTube. These women are all different shapes and sizes and are each out there living their best lives. They have been a huge inspiration to me especially when I am frustrated about my weight and feeling low. Shopping at the mall can be discouraging because they cater to the larger niche of the population. But that’s not everyone. More and more businesses are starting to carry larger sizes to cater to different body types. I’m sad too about all I didn’t accomplish. Often it’s hard but I try to do small things to make me feel good like paint my nails or put on makeup or cook or bake something special, etc....I think there are many, many people who share your feelings. It’s disappointing to feel

that we haven’t met our own expectations but I guess it’s just part of life. ❤️💕

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

@TrytoFly

Thanks...but...

The mall has my sizes. Getting a size isnt the issue. Online/catalogues/stores/malls, it doesnt matter where it comes from. Size will fit but it looks like s***. Ha that rhymes.

Im also most concerned with the big never which is achieving what i  had set out to do. Im getting old now and its too late. Even in my youth, if id known some of these other inspirations, i wasnt good enough anyway.

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5 minutes ago, Natasha1 said:

@TrytoFly

Thanks...but...

The mall has my sizes. Getting a size isnt the issue. Online/catalogues/stores/malls, it doesnt matter where it comes from. Size will fit but it looks like s***. Ha that rhymes.

Im also most concerned with the big never which is achieving what i  had set out to do. Im getting old now and its too late. Even in my youth, if id known some of these other inspirations, i wasnt good enough anyway.

my apologies in the initial post it said you were too fat and I interpreted it as such. so sorry!

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6 hours ago, TrytoFly said:

my apologies in the initial post it said you were too fat and I interpreted it as such. so sorry!

Its all good. Fat was the 3rd thing and yes is an issue, but i was vague. I should have explained further that no matter what i wear it looks awful on me.

Thank you so much for supporting me though. I didnt mean to come across as hard. I do that sometimes.

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Oh gawd! 

Nat, you are wonderful and always have the answers for me!  Never give up.  I know you like a book and you always bounce back sweetheart!💓. What would we all do w/o you?  

You all would not believe how terribly old I am!!!  I have my ups and downs but I am still here aren't I? Otherwise DF wouldn't  be. And I am hanging out with you all right now.  I will not let my members and DF down.

I am OLD in numbers, but I will never let myself become OLD.  I won't!  I have my aches and pains.  Depressionforums.org does not help any, ha,ha. :wwww:

Looking for a webmaster on Indeed is so difficult, but I am never going to give up!!!  I will try until my last breath or until Liquid Web (server) drops us!  We need help and I will see to it that we get it!

If I let DF get to me, it would not be here now. It would be  Gone!  It has always been so wonderful for my members but it is right now a thorn in my side and I am trying to fIX it!!!!

I still have hopes for DF.  Say prayers for "her". :rolleyes:   So yes, I am very OLD!  I do not dress OLD, they say I do not L@@k OLD, or act OLD, but I am OLD!I 

I just experienced the birth of my first great granddaughter by my first granddaughter! It made me extremely happy. I helped with the baby shower last July. Actually I did nada, but sit around and smile.:smilingteeth:

So chins up my darlings, life does get better the older you get, (I think?), honestly it does.  DF is a fabulous Community and I am grateful everyday that "she" is still on the internet. 

Love to all,

-Lindsay, Forum Admin

P.S.

I really do think that you should follow some of the Mindful  quotes and sayings.   I may put it into it's own Forum. It has helped me tremendously in keeping me positive and also with Depression Forums.

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

I and many others understand the anxiety your feeling. I too dont look forward to getting old naturally but it is as sure to happen as dying. Try to not let it affect you, death is certain unfortunately. i think you should make the most of your time. As an older person you have more time to do what you want and you can socialise with older people aswell. Which is great, because they are more welcoming and have better communication and care than younger people do. There are also lots of positives to being older. 

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