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Hi Forum,

I'm not doing very well right now. I hate my job. I do have a pattern of seasonal depression, but work is just making it so much worse. The loved ones that I've talked to about this tell me that it's probably the depression making me hate my job so much, but I really think it's the other way around. I can cope with depression when I have the energy to practice self-care, like exercise, cooking, other enjoyable activities. I can't when my work takes every ounce of my physical and emotional energy. I spend most of my nights and weekends in bed. I know how terrible this is for my mood, but I can't seem to work up the will to do more.

I have a contract, and I'd be fined 3000 dollars to break it. My contract ends in June, and it just seems so, so far away. I've started having passive suicidal ideation. Just nagging thoughts, no real desire to act. I'm not ready to share that with anyone in my life. It would just worry them, and until I think there's a real danger, I don't want to share the burden. I know that logically, if I really do give up, I can just quit. Losing three grand is a lot less painful than death. Doesn't stop that little voice whispering "I want to die." Even if I don't really want to die. I just want the misery to stop. 

Typing this out honestly helped a bit. Thank you for reading. 

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I can understand about a job weighing you down. My took a lot of energy and I used the weekends to recover. Now I'm at a better job situation and it makes a big difference. It doesn't hurt that my meds are finally working good for me. Your mental health is very important. Losing the money could be less painful than losing your sanity. 

It sometimes take us a while to respond as we all have a lot going on so hang in there with us.

BW

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Thank you for your perspective. I'm glad you've found employment that makes it easier to take care of yourself. That's so crucial. I'm definitely saving quitting for a last resort. I don't really have the three grand, for one thing, and it would be very difficult for me to find something else with similar pay and benefits, especially since quitting mid school year doesn't exactly shine on a resume.

The benefits, especially, would be really tough to lose. I am lucky to get pretty good health insurance, which I really need right now as I'm seeing my psychiatrist and counselor a LOT trying to deal with this along with some physical health issues. So at least the job exacerbating my depression is providing me resources for dealing with said depression. Trying to see those silver linings. 

Edited by Hurricane_J

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I recently found out that my job function is being outsourced to the Phillipines by April 1st.   I've already gone on a couple of interviews which were both rejections.  It is all I can do to manage my long term depression with meds and self care so projecting an image of self confidence is close to impossible for me.   The job search is generating anxiety and facing continued rejection is really pulling me down.  I'm finding I'm back at the place where I can't get out of bed, i cry alot and think about harming myself just to avoid reliving my depression, worrying about money, healthcare ins, etc...I only have a med doctor who provides 15 mins of counseling and it is generally related to my antidepressant issues.

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I'm in a similar position. I absolutely DREAD going to work. I've been at this place for 31 years, the last 10 of which have been in a managerial role that has become progressively more stressful and difficult. Even my "off" hours are spent ruminating on the immense pile of work that faces me.

Like you, I'm sticking it out for the health benefits (that have been eroding over time). I am dependent on some meds that I would have to ditch if I "retired". My adult daughter is on my plan until November of this year too.

There are many days where I feel like setting myself afloat on an iceberg and drifting out to sea.

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1 hour ago, Karin194 said:

I recently found out that my job function is being outsourced to the Phillipines by April 1st.   I've already gone on a couple of interviews which were both rejections.  It is all I can do to manage my long term depression with meds and self care so projecting an image of self confidence is close to impossible for me.   The job search is generating anxiety and facing continued rejection is really pulling me down.  I'm finding I'm back at the place where I can't get out of bed, i cry alot and think about harming myself just to avoid reliving my depression, worrying about money, healthcare ins, etc...I only have a med doctor who provides 15 mins of counseling and it is generally related to my antidepressant issues.

I know it’s difficult at the moment but try not to think to far ahead and just deal with the now.  Because it is to much to try to think long term because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. 

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