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adamrparr

Someone convince me that being the nice guy is worth it.

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I do what I believe is right in the moment every day and will continue to do so because I believe it's the right thing to do.  That's it.  I don't expect anything.  I don't want anything.  I've never gotten anything.  I just be myself in a world that I do not trust or have any faith in.

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You can be nice to yourself.

Nice and fair to yourself.

Sometimes we must be less than nice to toxic people.

It's all very tricky.

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I hate it, but honestly, this has been a very long time coming.  Today just happened to be the day.  I wish it weren’t this way but I simply cannot trust anyone anymore.  I wish I could.  But... it is what it is.

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I don't know who you're talking to, but they all sound like a bunch of jerks! I don't know. Maybe I actually did hit the lottery with my husband. I do trust him. He's a real decent person. But at the same time, I find it hard to share some of my most honest feelings, so in that sense, I have a hard time with trust. So nobody's perfect! Oh, but like I said, he's decent, so the "nice guy", and I fell hard for that. It's a nice change from the selfish jerks out there. So I guess my argument is that there has to be others out there like me that actually like the nice guy. And like sober said, do it for you! You'll at least feel better about yourself (hopefully) in that you're doing the right thing. And it might attract more female friends (I know you're looking for more but hear me out), but those friendships might just turn into more. I dunno. I just feel strongly about you not giving up. Nice guys are a rare find and should be more appreciated in our culture. 

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Argh, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with this at the moment Adam. 

I'm not sure I can convince you to trust people but I just wanted to add my support and say that you are valued here.  

You seem to be putting yourself out there and having plenty of offers at least....I'm so petrified of people I don't get that far lol. 

I agree with the others, it seems you have a lot to offer and it would be a shame if you gave up on relationships completely.  Maybe just take a break for a little bit and give yourself some time to rebalance? 

Hope you feel a bit better about this soon :hugs:

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I have some people I know that I can trust and are good people. They can be hard to find and I think it matters where you are looking for them but I know they are out there. Don't give up.

BW

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Don't confuse being nice with being a good.  Being nice will make you a victim. You can be a good person without letting someone cross your line. It's better to be disliked by some for who you are, than loved by many for something you're not. Everyone is a bad guy in someone else's mind.  

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting you walk around being an asshole. 😂

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I will make case. One of the greatest reasons is simply because you will get further in life.

Do you want to have happy marriage or relationships? Being nice will help.

Do you want to be healthy? Being nice will help, being nice is better for physical and mental health.

Do  you have conflict to resolve? Being nice helps you resolve the conflict.

For me being nice has helped me so much. I used to always be so angry but I tried being nice and I still was angry but I use that anger to bodybuild so I expend the energy so I can be nice. Instead of wasting my energy tearing others down, I build myself up and this is crucial for maby young men because they have testosterone and they need to get their energy out and they need an outlet. People without outlets have trouble like drugs or prison so everyone needs and outlet what makes nice people better is they choose a healthy outlet that does no harm and I think if you try to be nice you will make many friends and people will do nice things to you even though they dont have to.

 

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On 2/7/2020 at 2:16 AM, adamrparr said:

See thread title.  Please do make your best case.

I don’t have a view on the matter, to be honest. 
 

The less I interact with people, the better I feel. Or less in despair. Or something.

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Just Don't expect anything in return from people you are being nice too. Your self satisfaction is most important to you and for you to be a good person is what all matters.

 

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The fact that you're asking this question means you have thought about the difference between "nice" and "not nice." Therefore, you will be aware of whether you are one or the other. Personally, I'd rather fall on the "nice" side, if for no other reason than it probably helps me sleep better at night.

Some people apparently relish being assholes. I'm not one of them.

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I agree with what has already been said.  

You are a nice guy, so being 'not nice' would be going against yourself and would probably be detrimental to you.  I am so sorry for whatever happened to put you in this frame of mind.  There are good, trustworthy people.  Hope you start finding lots of them and no more of the 'other type'.  

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I guess I'll make my case since I used to think about this a lot.

There's a perspective of psychology known as the humanistic perspective. I'm sure you and many others know of it, so I'll just briefly explain it. It states that each individual is driven to act in a way that leads them to self-actualization. That's an almost zen-like state where your mind is in harmony with your surroundings. You're not too worried about anything, you're secure and living a sustainable life, you're happy with your life. That's the short version of it (hope I didn't get it wrong). Generally speaking, not being nice, never going out of your way for anybody ever, stuff like that can weigh on a good person. And since the humanistic perspective sees the general population as inherently good (and maybe a little selfish and misguided at times if you ask me), then I'm left to assume you're a good person too, and an abandonment of your nice guy conscience would end up weighing you down eventually. You can't afford to have anything else in your life weigh you down. None of us can.

That's my case. Now my advice. Whatever happened to you, talk about it with some people you still trust to listen to you. Let whatever you're going through roll off you once you fully grasp what happened. Then, take it in moderation. It's okay to be cautious. There are still ways to be a nice guy without putting too much of yourself out there. Figure out some of those ways and let time and good experiences begin to heal your wounds. Please, do shine on.

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Many, many sincere thanks to all of you for your feedback.  You’re all right on time with this.  Frankly, I was having a bit of an existential/identity crisis, brought about by a dreadful experience.

In the end, I think that what I was really wrestling with was this:  I am good person, a nice guy, a...  whatever you want to call it.  I simply don’t have it in me to be anyone else.  Sometimes that can result in a pretty powerless feeling when one perceives that the reward for being such a person in s unjust punishment.  Wrapped up in that are anger, frustration, cynicism, and self-pity.

In the end though, I am who I am.  I wouldn’t be comfortable, or even successful, in trying to be anyone else.

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It can be difficult not to see other people's unbalanced/unhealthy actions or reactions to us as punishment....  I constantly have to remind myself 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.  Just because someone has an unhealthy reaction to me doesn't mean I did anything 'wrong'.

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1 hour ago, 20YearsandCounting said:

It can be difficult not to see other people's unbalanced/unhealthy actions or reactions to us as punishment....  I constantly have to remind myself 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.  Just because someone has an unhealthy reaction to me doesn't mean I did anything 'wrong'.

So very true.  You summed it up perfectly.

😊

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On 2/9/2020 at 8:50 PM, legacy6364 said:

Don't confuse being nice with being a good.  Being nice will make you a victim. You can be a good person without letting someone cross your line. 

Everyone is a bad guy in someone else's mind.  

This is profoundly true. Sometimes you need to tell it like it is and call people out. The best case scenario is where you can do this without having to resort to being cruel - but some people just cannot hear it.

One of the worst things I ever did was also one of the healthiest. When I was pregnant with my youngest I was quite depressed. I had two other small-ish children and was not getting much sleep. We went up to the cabin to stay with my parents for a week. All that I had the energy to do was sleep and read and I was happy to have help with the boys.

One night at dinner my mother started in. She was complaining that I was not doing enough with her. I tried to "be nice" and explained that if she wanted to do something like play cards, she was welcome to interrupt my reading and I was just doing it for something to do. She kept on and finally I said, "Look Mom. I am so depressed I can barely get out of bed."

Her response hit me like a slap to the face. "You think it is hard being you, try being me." At that point in completely snapped and yelled across the table, "God, you are such a bitch." I stormed out of the house, hid behind the cabin and burst into tears.

I felt really guilty for calling her such a horrible name, but it was really good for me to stand up to her. I would love to say that things between us have changed - but that would be a lie. What has changed is the fact that I will not put up with it from her anymore and I will not let he treat my children the way that she used to. If she wants to think that I am a horrible person, fine. But I know the truth and those who really love and care about me know the truth too. As far as everyone else goes, well - you know where they can go.

So, not really an argument for being a nice guy. There is a difference between being a "nice guy" and being a "good man." 

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@CoffeeAddict103 I actually agree with this. Especially the part about treating others as they treat you...eh, I say that with caution, but I know I tend to do it. Well, not exactly. I don't stoop to their level (or at least most of the time), but I don't think that's what Coffee meant anyway due to the examples. I don't necessarily recommend treating them the same, but if someone isn't good to you, you have every right to get away from them. And in that sense, if that's what you're inquiring about being "the nice guy" Adam, then I agree with Coffee that you shouldn't be the nice that lets people walk over you.

So, instead of stooping to their level, yes, try the boundaries thing. I'm trying to think of another example... well, what's coming to mind is a current predicament of mine (and even my husband is suffering too with something similar). It's with knowing how to deal with people that are giving you mental stress. In my case, it's lectures. I feel I have to be nice out of respect because of their station/their influence, but they are not necessarily saying things in the most nicest of ways. I mean, they're kinda getting aggressive with me, confrontational if you will, but I don't want to fight. Same with my husband. He's havi g issues with his boss. We don't know what to do because we don't feel we should like kiss ass to people, but what can we do?  Ok, this example isn't really helpful. Maybe Coffee has a suggestion for this. I mean, one where you won't like get fired from you job or kicked out of a group for standing your ground. Like how do you keep your own sanity without being the Bad guy. Know what I mean? Yea, this shit is hard! 😕

Edited by anxiousE

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Damn.  I definitely didn’t expect this thread to blow up like this.  Wow.  It definitely makes one feel not nearly so alone.  Many thanks to all.

And yes, @samadhiSheol.  You’re right.  We just must remain true to ourselves so we can sleep at night.  We are not responsible for other people’s reactions, just our own actions & words.

 I’m not at all sure why this subject has resonated like it has, but I’m very grateful.  Thank you all.

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10 hours ago, adamrparr said:

Damn.  I definitely didn’t expect this thread to blow up like this.  Wow.  It definitely makes one feel not nearly so alone.  Many thanks to all.

And yes, @samadhiSheol.  You’re right.  We just must remain true to ourselves so we can sleep at night.  We are not responsible for other people’s reactions, just our own actions & words.

 I’m not at all sure why this subject has resonated like it has, but I’m very grateful.  Thank you all.

And thank YOU @adamrparr. Your question made me think(quite a bit off topic stuff haha) and the end result being..I feel a bit better than I have felt the past few of days.

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