Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I am 40 and happily married. I've had depression for many years, and I have managed it fairly well. Lately, though, I have felt like a second tier friend, and it hurts. I have friends. I hang out with our friends when my wife gets a group text from her girlfriends saying that everyone is going out. But I usually feel like I'm not completely wanted there. I am obese: I'm 6-1, 300 pounds.  I'm also sometimes quiet, so I think I get forgotten about a lot. I try to reach out and host things and stuff. I sometimes get included, but it feels like I have to chase down people to see what's going on. I rarely get texts just saying, "Hey, we're going out if you and your wife want to join us." It's a weird sixth sense that I'm not wanted, and depression doesn't help it. I'm just in pain and I want people to know. My wife knows and some family members know, but my friends don't know. I'll probably keep it from them for now. But I'm in pain and feel like screaming. That's why I'm posting here. It's my way of screaming, even if you don't know me personally. I am in such pain.

Thanks for listening. I am going to work on being more sociable. I think I'm a nice and sociable guy, but I'm going to try to be more proactive in making my friendships better. I've lost about 45 pounds too. I have a great wife and loving family, so I'm lucky in many, many ways. But it still hurts feeling left out and forgotten by friends. I am in pain.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like you need to get some friends of your own. It can be hurtful when you feel like you are only invited because you are "so-and-so's husband." I have had that happen to me too. My husband is quite involved in the Boy Scouts, but every time I went to an event I felt like I did not belong. So I stopped going. 

I joined a bible study group at church and found my people. Do you have any interests you would be interested in persuing? Maybe you like to fix things - there might be a group of guys who do that. We have a group of retired engineers who get together once a month and build a handicapped ramp. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, JessiesMom said:

Sounds to me like you need to get some friends of your own. It can be hurtful when you feel like you are only invited because you are "so-and-so's husband." I have had that happen to me too. My husband is quite involved in the Boy Scouts, but every time I went to an event I felt like I did not belong. So I stopped going. 

Thanks for the advice. Weirdly, I was friends with most of these folks before my wife was, so it's not exactly like I'm just tagging along with her friends. But I am going to try to find other friends too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think that perhaps there might be two issues here?  One issue might be your need for a better class of real friends.  The other issue might be how you are blaming yourself for the situation.  What do you think?

It is very common in depression for a person to put himself on trial.  There is a judge, jury and prosecutor and the trial goes one.  a verdict is reached about one's value and self-worth.  Missing in all this is a defense attorney.  Where is the person who is defending the person being tried?  Do you think that perhaps you are placing yourself on trial with a defense?

There can be many reasons why a friendship is less than ideal.  But it would be unfair to say that it is all one person's fault or responsibility.  That people do not treasure and appreciate you can very easily be the result of their own flaws and blindness.

Some people like apples and some people don't like them.  That says little about apples and a lot about personal tastes and preferences. 

People being human beings often like those who meet their needs.  Do you agree?  I tend to be a very upbeat person when I am not depressed.  This is a huge turn off for people who like to complain and mock and run other people and things down.  People bond over all kinds of things and some people bond over complaining.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  But those kinds of people are not going to be very happy around a bubbly, happy go lucky person and vice versa.

I've seen all kinds of strange friendships that work, that meet the needs, generally of the people in them.  I know of people who have bonded with people in prison convicted of terrible crimes. 

It can be hard to find friends.  There is a lot of luck involved although one can do things to broaden the likelihood of having luck as JessiesMom has pointed out.

This is all pretty clinical and stinks of the laboratory, but I am not really unsympathetic to your plight.  Far from it.  I am a Tier Two friend to many people myself and I have had periods of my life when I was absolutely friendless, unappreciated or underappreciated and it was agonizing to me and stressful.

I hope things improve for you in the future.  I don't want to trivialize your situation and I fear I may have done that.  I have some pretty good friends right now, but who knows what the future holds for me?  I could easily be in an unhappy situation friendwise in the future.  And I wouldn't want someone to just paper over my pain with trite sayings and trivial advice.

You deserve good friends and I hope you find some soon!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I appreciate your advice. It's a combo of a lot of things that's giving me pain right now. I think I'm probably too hard on myself and expect too much from my friends at the same time. They are good friends and have been there during tough times in the past. Basically, I'm just in pain and want to scream but I can't, so I'm screaming here on the forums. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just wanted to say that the last few weeks have been a real challenge but there have been good developments. I’ve met some nice new folks, have done things with my existing friends, and have taken care of myself. Things are looking up. There will be tough times but I’m doing much better. Thanks to those of you who reached out. My problems are minor compared to what so many on these boards are facing but it’s nice to have folks who will listen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...