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NotMySeLf1519

I dont know how to stop what i started

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Let me start off by saying i am a happily married woman in my 30s but i do suffer from depression and anxiety since i was in my teens. Im embarrassed to talk about it to anyone else as i find they will look at me as weird or something is wrong with me for doing this (maybe there is who knows)

Anyways... i started chatting with someone online through a gaming app. This person comsiders me a friend and has seems to takin a liking to me. I have not been honest to this person as ive created a whole persona and have lied about almost everything. The problem is i do not feel bad at all for lieing to this person as 1 i have no romantic connection with this individual and 2 i will never meet this person since we live in 2 different states. I honestly have become obsessed with talking to this person. Im obsessed with his lifestyle as it seems he lives a great life and seems to be a normal functioning individual with no mental health issues such as myself. I dont want to stop lying either. I love that he thinks ive achieved all the things ive told him (which were all lies). 

I feel like im a ****ed up person that needs therapy to figure out why i do these types of things (this is not my first time doing something like this). If anyone has gone through something similar and would give me advice in what direction therapy wise i should head to. Do i need to talk to a psychiatrist? Will talk therapy help me?  I know nobody here can diagnose but ive always read up on bpd and ive always felt i may be suffering from it but not 100%sure

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It seems like you have constructed for yourself (online) the kind of life you wish you had. In the world of the game, you can be someone other than who you are. It is almost like a kind of interactive fiction. The question I would ask is this - can you have an authentic relationship without truth? Also, how can you be certain that this person is not doing the same thing you are?

I am not currently involved in the online gaming world, but I have been in the past. The difficulty with relying on relationships in this venue for social interaction is that they can disappear so quickly. I had a bunch of people who I considered friends, but then their lives changed and they stopped playing our shared game. Suddenly they were gone. For me, who struggles with abandonment issues, this was devestating. I would not say that you are messed up, but it might be useful for you to look at your offline life and figure out what is missing there that this online friend is filling. That way, you can perhaps start to find it offline. 

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Please do not be too hard on yourself for what you are experiencing.  You are absolutely NOT a ****ed up person.  If you can, try to introduce some perspective into your thinking.  For example, there have been a few people in the last 100 years who caused the destruction of tens of millions of people through forced genocide.  Now those people were ****ed up people.  

You have not caused the destruction of 10,000,000 people or 1,000,000 people or 100,000 people or 10,000 people or 1,000 people or 100 people and so on.  You are far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from being a ****ed up person.

Everyone has weaknesses and makes mistakes.Everyone has engaged in pretense and deception.    None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-perfect Infinite Beings.  Maybe I am wrong, but I think it is important to try to keep our weaknesses and mistakes in perspective. 

I'm sure you have done countless good things in your life, countless brave and clever things.  I'm sure you have done countless generous and kind things.  Please try to remember these if you can.

It is, I think, common in depression for a person to place himself or herself on trial.  But the trials are always unfair.  They are unfair because they include a judge, jury and prosecutor but no defense attorney.  That can never be fair or just.  It is not only unfair and unjust to to the person but it is unfair and unjust to justice itself.

You are vastly more than this problem you are struggling with.  Your dignity and self-worth are based on the totality of your life not on this one issue.

Consider this.  A person who can walk will take thousands and thousands of steps in their life.  Most of these, the vast majority of these, 99%  of these will not result in a fall.  But falls are very vivid experiences and very memorable ones.  It is very common for people who suffer depression to remember their falls and worry about future falls.  And in depression it is very common to ignore all the successful steps one has taken in life or discount them:  "Well, those things don't count."  That is depression talking.  Perhaps they don't count because we don't count them.

You are a millions times more than this situation you are struggling with at the moment with gaming the relationship you describe.  You cannot, you absolutely cannot be "summed up" with a label like "****ed up." 

Sometimes talking to a good therapist can help when one cannot gain perspective or when one is putting oneself on trial in an unfair way. 

I wish I knew how to help you, but I am not a doctor or medical health professional of any kind and so I cannot do more than share what has helped me in the full knowledge that this information might be inappropriate to your situation and not helpful.

I do hope you find relief from your suffering.  You certainly deserve peace of mind and joy of living!  My apologies for not being able to be helpful to you.

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