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Kirmilang

Horrible Horrible HOCD and Astrology

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Sooo I had a childhood trauama someone in my life who was lesbian was such a bully to me and I couldn’t talk to boys even though they were all I liked , I only thought girls were pretty but I mostly admired them .

when I was like 20 although I still only liked men I started watching alot of lesbian porn and when I was in my mid 20s I was bicurious somewhat although I never acted on it and again I still only desired men romantically but I was still scared of them .

Anyways I had many forms of OCD growing up like checking locks making sure oven wasnt on and also I always had sexual obsessions since I was a kid but about hetero people .

Tbh I was always confident in my sexuality I had no idea admitting women were beautiful and such but gosh since July the HOCD has been crazy and I didn’t know it was a thing until then .

I finally met a guy and fell for him and he was my first kiss but things are bad now which made my HOCD worse and I keep thinking I am gonna end up with a woman and I keep crying and scared to death .

So I had downloaded that pattern app and holy shit it was scaring me and also I kept getting astrology readings and I keep getting scared its implying I will be with a woman and I shouldnt have done this to myself cuz alot of that stuff is accurate and they keep saying I will discover my true aelf and I am scared that means I am a lesbian or bisexual . I had a phase but it was not my true desire I was in a bad place back then but now the idea of kissing and having sex with a woman repulses me and I always just wanted a nice man . I feel like I am gonna lose my identity and be happy with it .

I been having intrusive thoughts all day and they have been so graphic .

I cannot stop crying and I wanna **** myself .

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There is nothing wrong with your fantasies. Most hetero women have had a fantasy or two about another woman, even if they are just indulging a fantasy of their male partner. It sounds to me like your primary attraction is to men, but that the bully in your past made you confused.

If the astrology app is scaring you - delete it and give it no further thought. In my opinion, astrology only has as much power as we give it, just like most prognostigation tools. Often the predictions are vague enough, that your mind (which is programmed to look for patterns) will make connections that are not really true. For example, if your horoscope says that you will receive news to your advantage - and then you get a letter with good news - your brain goes, "Ah, see - my horoscope predicted this!) If, however, your horoscope says the same thing and nothing happens - your brain just goes on as usual.

According to Douglas Adams (who I personally believe has something profound to say on just about every subject) "“In astrology the rules happen to be about stars and planets, but they could be about ducks and drakes for all the difference it would make. It's just a way of thinking about a problem which lets the shape of that problem begin to emerge. The more rules, the tinier the rules, the more arbitrary they are, the better. It's like throwing a handful of fine graphite dust on a piece of paper to see where the hidden indentations are. It lets you see the words that were written on the piece of paper above it that's now been taken away and hidden. The graphite's not important. It's just the means of revealing the indentations. So you see, astrology's nothing to do with astronomy. It's just to do with people thinking about people.”

It seem to me that you have been worrying about your sexuality for a while. You are attracted to me and want to be in a relationship with a man, but because of your past - you wonder. IMO, you are who you choose to believe you are - and the idea of a true self is rather bunk. Most of us here have had so much trauma and emotional abuse for so long that any idea of a true self or what we were born to be has been reduced into so much dust by now (ok, this may only apply to me, but you get the point). I choose to not allow my mother's emotional abuse define me - in that I choose to fight the thinking patterns that were embedded in my brain. It is easy - don't make me laugh. Am I always successful - hell no. But just realizing that I do not have to subscribe to her way of thinking allows me to discover other things about myself. Truer things. 

Hope some of this helps - if not, then just write it off as so many ramblings of someone who has spent way to much time trying not to be who her mother told her she was. 😉

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Dear Kirmilang --

So glad you've come to DF, and that you were willing to trust us enough to tell us of the great pain and anxiety you are experiencing.  Please don't hurt yourself! 

Also, I agree with most of what JessiesMom has said.

As to your fears about your sexuality, I, for example, am heterosexual and was made very uncomfortable by a girl in third grade who seemed to adore me.  I found it very confusing: she used to kiss my hand and tell me she loved me where we stood by the fence during recess.  I don't know if I was more uncomfortable with the fact that she was a girl, or by the PDA that no one in my family would EVER give.  I don't know where she is now or whom she has decided to love, but I didn't have clarity about the experience until my thirties, I think. 

I have had a "girl crush" on Sophia Loren for YEARS, but it has not deterred me from who I know myself to be.  I'm sorry this is creating so much anxiety for you, and I hope with time spent here and/or with a good shrink, you will be able to finally "see the forest" instead of a dark thicket of intimidating trees.

As for the astrology aspect, I agree with most of what was shared with you, but my late brother and eldest sister researched and taught themselves all about astrology and at points in both of their lives, drew up charts for friends and family.  NEITHER of them were proponents of the Daily Horoscope, because the specificity of it would be like weather predictions that usually get the details wrong but may make sense in larger strokes.

You don't have to believe everything you read or hear; you do have to learn to identify your own voice, and that can be a real challenge. 

Stick with us, if you're of a mind to.  I look forward to hearing any and everything you have to say, on any subject you choose.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace --

WOTL (womanofthelight)

 

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Hello you guys thank you so much for responding . I know I shouldn’t be on a forum seeking reeassurance but its good to talk to people who are suffering too and understand . 

I remember as a kid I kissed a girl on the lips but that was my cousin we werent blood related and it wasn’t romantic and she was family it wasn’t even experimental it was just more like Elmer Fudd like and the person who emotional abused me yelled at me and told me never ever do that again and I didn’t think it was a big deal cuz that was my family and it was something I did with my sisters too but just as sisters but I found out the abuser was a self loather at the time and she used to always call me a lesbian  . Also you mention what a girl in school did to you I remember a girl touched my V***** in school and I wanted to cry .

Its been so so hard . I just started loving myself and putting myself out there for romance and here comes this shit .

I keep thinking I am stopping or running from atttaction cuz everytime I see a woman or butch woman my stomach and chest get tight and sometime I get a groinal response so I pray I am not ignore true feelings and its my OCD .

I am inclined to believe its OCD cuz I feel no warmth or butterflies or satisfaction like I do with men .

My past is never gonna stop haunting me . 

Also I saw two women walking together this morning and they were probably just friends and my body reacted again not with warmth or butterflies like with men but my OCD said GOT YOU BITCH and I threw up .

I think its hard for women cuz ppl say our orientation can change and I think thats what I fear so much . 

I fear I will lose my true identity .

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Good morning I am back on my mess again .

So I accept everything are just stupid thoughts but last night I had a weird dream and everything was scattered but at one point I was with another woman and I was very happy and I woke up with chest pain so I imagined kissing another woman to see if I liked it and the chest pain went away what does that mean ? I hope it means I am desensitized .

I feel so scared and freaking out idk maybe it played on something that happened last night .

I have a Queer friend that likes me and she’s like super queer like one of those ppl that seeks non queer women which is why I keep distance from her because I think that is so disrespectful . She did something odd yesterday and it rubbed me weird .

I am scared my sexuality flipped last night .

It scares me being a woman because everyone says our sexuality is fluid and we are all bi secretly .

Also mixed with my guy troubles its too much and I am getting sad .

I feel hopeless and like I lost myself and the HOCD finally said gotchu bitch .

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Hello to you, dear!

Have you ever wondered if that bully from your childhood actually violated your boundaries physically?  You seem to have such powerful responses of guilt, fear and repulsion that it just struck me.  So sorry if I'm wrong or asked a question out of turn.

Generally speaking, I think we all (at least I know about myself) carry the past with us, be that good or bad, but it behooves us to keep walking, creating a path anew and leave the rest behind.  And it's hard to leave the past behind.  It is who we were, and it makes up a huge part of our complete picture. 

But remember, you are goodness and sorrow and joy and everything in between.  Life as we know it will end for us all, and I think we need try to grasp what joyous moments we have and accept ourselves, regardless of what others think, or know, or think they know!!! 

You are whole and beautiful soul, and I hope that you will release yourself from the enchantment of "wrong."  It's a painful spell from which I hope we all break free.

Thinking of you --

WOTL

 

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21 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Hello to you, dear!

Have you ever wondered if that bully from your childhood actually violated your boundaries physically?  You seem to have such powerful responses of guilt, fear and repulsion that it just struck me.  So sorry if I'm wrong or asked a question out of turn.

Generally speaking, I think we all (at least I know about myself) carry the past with us, be that good or bad, but it behooves us to keep walking, creating a path anew and leave the rest behind.  And it's hard to leave the past behind.  It is who we were, and it makes up a huge part of our complete picture. 

But remember, you are goodness and sorrow and joy and everything in between.  Life as we know it will end for us all, and I think we need try to grasp what joyous moments we have and accept ourselves, regardless of what others think, or know, or think they know!!! 

You are whole and beautiful soul, and I hope that you will release yourself from the enchantment of "wrong."  It's a painful spell from which I hope we all break free.

Thinking of you --

WOTL

 

Thank you so much 🙏🏾 As for being violated physically by that bully ... that’s something I cannot recall but idk .

But women have violated me physically like even at work one of my coworkers is always slapping my but or my thighs and one time I had cleavage and she ran her hand down my cleavage and I was so uncomfortable I actually hate when she touches me which is why I stay away from her . I know friends do that to each other alot but I don’t like it .

So a few days ago I was in the hospital and there were so many attractive men in the ER working there but then false attractiins to women started and later it started telling me I was attracted to every single girl I knew from childhood which is ridiculous even if I was a lesbian or bi but I just accepted the thoughts and realized they werr just stupid thoughts . My chest pain went away too .

But I keep having crazy nightmares and gay dreams and being bullied by my past telling me give up I like girls and I keep getting groinal responses and it sucks .

But in my core I know I only love and value men romantically and even sometimes the HOCD tries to attack my core .

I just fear one day I will lose ...  but I believe more than anything I will beat my HOCD .

Also I wanna tell the guy I was seeing I love him ... it’s a different subject I know and I am not trying to do this to run from HOCD but he’s been emotionally broken by some other woman which is why we had issues and I am worried he is going to harm himself ... I don’t wanna seem pushy but i want him to know I love him and I care .... idk what to say though

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Tell him tell him tell him! 

😥 My estranged brother died of cancer in hospice care in September of 2018.  My family and I wouldn't have found out if my younger brother hadn't been in touch with him a couple of months before his death and tried to reach him again by phone.  David (my younger brother) called and got the "this number is no longer in service" message.  He went to my brother's apartment building and was told by the super that Paul had "passed away nearly three weeks ago."  😔😥 I was the last person in our nuclear family that he told he no longer wanted to communicate with, and I OBEYED.   🥺😪😖!!!!!!  Against my better judgment. 😩  EVEN THOUGH IT FELT WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!  David and Karen (eldest sister) just barreled right through and called him a couple of times in the years he was estranged.  I was the coward!!!!!  I thought I was honoring his needs at the time.  I thought that it was the same thing that happens in every kind of relationship: if one person doesn't want it, you can't force your way in.  You have to accept it, however difficult it may be.  I truly believed we would be reunited once our parents were gone.  (He hadn't been in touch with them in 30 years.)  It was so NAIVE of me to think that people leave this life in the same order in which they came in. 

So for six years I meditated about him; tried to contact him regularly telepathically, and was feeling CONFIDENT in my result.  And then the word came that he was dead.  He had friends around him to experience that profound moment when the soul leaves the body.  Had I known, I would have been there, too!; would have held him like he was my child!; would have told him it was okay to go!!!.  But he didn't want or need me to do that. 

OH!  It still HURTS SO MUCH!  My grief is really regret, and regret is a horrible thing to have to live with.

He was the principal bass in an orchestra, so his death notice appeared in the program, and on the website.  He had written his own obituary because he had notice of his physical life coming to an end.  (As we all do, really.  From the moment we're born, we are heading toward death.)

ANYWAY, all that to tell you to do the things your inner voice tells you to do.  Follow it, your intuition, and it will become stronger every day.  And whatever the response or lack thereof, you will feel "clean" because you answered the call.

It's up to you, dear.

Thinking of you and wishing you clarity and peace,

WOTL

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4 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Tell him tell him tell him! 

😥 My estranged brother died of cancer in hospice care in September of 2018.  My family and I wouldn't have found out if my younger brother hadn't been in touch with him a couple of months before his death and tried to reach him again by phone.  David (my younger brother) called and got the "this number is no longer in service" message.  He went to my brother's apartment building and was told by the super that Paul had "passed away nearly three weeks ago."  😔😥 I was the last person in our nuclear family that he told he no longer wanted to communicate with, and I OBEYED.   🥺😪😖!!!!!!  Against my better judgment. 😩  EVEN THOUGH IT FELT WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!  David and Karen (eldest sister) just barreled right through and called him a couple of times in the years he was estranged.  I was the coward!!!!!  I thought I was honoring his needs at the time.  I thought that it was the same thing that happens in every kind of relationship: if one person doesn't want it, you can't force your way in.  You have to accept it, however difficult it may be.  I truly believed we would be reunited once our parents were gone.  (He hadn't been in touch with them in 30 years.)  It was so NAIVE of me to think that people leave this life in the same order in which they came in. 

So for six years I meditated about him; tried to contact him regularly telepathically, and was feeling CONFIDENT in my result.  And then the word came that he was dead.  He had friends around him to experience that profound moment when the soul leaves the body.  Had I known, I would have been there, too!; would have held him like he was my child!; would have told him it was okay to go!!!.  But he didn't want or need me to do that. 

OH!  It still HURTS SO MUCH!  My grief is really regret, and regret is a horrible thing to have to live with.

He was the principal bass in an orchestra, so his death notice appeared in the program, and on the website.  He had written his own obituary because he had notice of his physical life coming to an end.  (As we all do, really.  From the moment we're born, we are heading toward death.)

ANYWAY, all that to tell you to do the things your inner voice tells you to do.  Follow it, your intuition, and it will become stronger every day.  And whatever the response or lack thereof, you will feel "clean" because you answered the call.

It's up to you, dear.

Thinking of you and wishing you clarity and peace,

WOTL

😥🥺 I am so so sorry to hear this wow ... that was heavy . I have experienced these moments before too but this was so heavy .

My issues with HIM are getting worse but I know he isn’t well .... and I truly truly believe we came into each other’s lives for a reason and I am older than he is and I believe I am meant to keep him loved him and protected ... he is pushing me away but I don’t think he will push me away much longer and I can finally let him stand under my umbrella and we build from there ❤️

And my issues with him keep spiking my HOCD it keeps trying to dig into past curiosities and latch to it in present day and I keep crying cuz I am scared to death I will end up with a woman and be happy .

It’s getting harder and now I am dealing with false emotions , memories , etc etc it’s becoming so bad and everyone keeps telling me I will find someone better and I keep crying cuz I am scared it will be a woman and I don’t want that at all and my mind keeps telling me it will be the best thing to ever happen to me . I am scared I will marry a woman and go to a sperm bank to get pregnant I tried to expose myself to these things with ERP and I am scared its gonna come true now I am just so afraid even righting this I feel like I secretly desire this .... I hate it 😥

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Hello again!

I didn't mention it before, but I'm so sorry those people VIOLATED YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!!!  And I'm sorry that ANYONE whose touch you did not want just went ahead and did it!  There's NOTHING WRONG with slapping somebody when they assault you.  (And YES, it was assault.)

I'm glad to hear you're back on your meds.  It just seems you need some help to see you through this crisis, and I'd like to know if there's a counselor who knows you and is familiar with you specifically?  (You realize, of course, that HOCD is different from actual homosexuality.)  Anyway, you had your meds reviewed and re-prescribed, so adding counseling to the mix seems like the way to get through this.

As to the young man you care for, just let him know you're there for him should he need a friend, and leave it to him to make any overtures regarding you or the friendship.  Do not pursue him.  Take care of yourself so you can more easily deal with your own emotional pain, and be better able to be a shoulder for him, should the time ever come. 

Thinking of you and wishing you only the best!!!

WOTL

 

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12 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Hello again!

I didn't mention it before, but I'm so sorry those people VIOLATED YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!!!  And I'm sorry that ANYONE whose touch you did not want just went ahead and did it!  There's NOTHING WRONG with slapping somebody when they assault you.  (And YES, it was assault.)

I'm glad to hear you're back on your meds.  It just seems you need some help to see you through this crisis, and I'd like to know if there's a counselor who knows you and is familiar with you specifically?  (You realize, of course, that HOCD is different from actual homosexuality.)  Anyway, you had your meds reviewed and re-prescribed, so adding counseling to the mix seems like the way to get through this.

As to the young man you care for, just let him know you're there for him should he need a friend, and leave it to him to make any overtures regarding you or the friendship.  Do not pursue him.  Take care of yourself so you can more easily deal with your own emotional pain, and be better able to be a shoulder for him, should the time ever come. 

Thinking of you and wishing you only the best!!!

WOTL

 

Thank you so so much for your words I truly appreciate and I am so glad that I came here . The anniversary of us meeting is coming up in 10 days and its making me sad about where we stand right now but I try not to lose hope . When I was focused and confident things were going well but now that I am broken things are spiraling out of control ... but I do believe we will be close and even closer when we reunite .

As for the HOCD ... it gets worse and worse and worse and trying to unravel things makes things worse for me because it brings up false memories . Like there have been instances where I would fantasize about kissing and for some reason there would be a woman involved and it never really made sense and it always felt weird because aside from when I was in my early 20s I never wanted to experiment kissing a girl and tbh that was just out of desperation truly because I was insecure and felt ugly and not beautiful ( not saying this applies to lesbians or bi women ) but I just didnt feel like a growing girl I felt held back and discouraged and like I would never meet a man which I truly desired I felt like it woild never happen so I said why not try something else . My mind was so broken and insecure back then and I am so so glad I never did those things because I feel like I would live with more regret than I do now and I am glad I saved it for a man I actually fell in love with . 

But back to that fantasy thing about the kissing and I am not an expert in HOCD but can it try to manipulate your desires ? Because I only fantasize sweet things about kissing men but lately HOCD tells me my fantasies were always about women and I don’t like men and thats not true .

I never felt happy or somewhat beautiful until about 2015 but I really started to love myself last year when I realized I my strength as a woman and that I didn’t have to be desperate and force myself to do things that wasn’t in my heart . Not to mention I told two queer girls I was bicurious before and tbh thats the moment I knew I wasn’t on the queer spectrum at all and that this was a realm I wasn’t supposed to be in I was just a lost girl and I am glad none of that ever happened . I had to cut one of them off because she was pushing me to label myself and honestly it scared me because I just couldnt identify with that lifestyle its not a bad one but it felt alien to me .

I love impressing men because they are who I desire , alot of women hit on me especially online and at work because of my age and I never been with a man so they assume I am gay and I swear I am not making this up . A coworker told everyone I was a lesbian because I am still a virgin and suddenly lesbian women were hoovering over me ( as well as perverted men ) and I am certaib my gossipy sister told people I was gay too . When people found out I was talking to this guy they were shocked and tbh I think people in my family wanted me to be gay because they hate men so much . Everytime someone brings a man around its drama , hell they are all pretty much salivating at the idea of me and this guy failing they want it to happen so bad .

It’s been rough for me all my life I feel like people want and expect me to be a certain way but that’s not how I want to be . 

I am ready to find love with a man and settle down ... in my heart I believe he is the one there is just interference in our way that we need to settle but always in my deepest heart and in my core I believed it was him . Maybe I am wrong but I do believe he will be my everything and my true love when all is said and done .

But the HOCD is too much the false attractions **** me more than anything cuz they are anxiety induced and I am trying to stay strong but its hard .

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Sooo I am back AGAIN and its worse .

I love the guy I was dealing with but we are done for now because he is choosing trash over class and I spent the last hour crying because I really love him and also because I feel like now its time to date women and I don’t want to date them .

I went to pick up snacks and two guys were flirting with me ( they werent my type ) and I just laughed and the thoughts told me I was gay anyway so what do I care and I just wanted to cry right there .

I hate it I feel like any day now I am gonna date a woman thats how bad the OCD is getting and I am just crying and afraid because I dont like women and I never wanna date , marry , kiss , have sex etc etc with one and I am just so afraid to move forward I am scared pls someone tell me I will be ok 🥺😔

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Hi all I am back and hope everyone has been well.

So it’s been ALOT from having lesbian marriage / family dreams to loss of attraction for men.

I honestly know exactly what HOCD is pulling on and I started accepting the thoughts and allowing them .

But it’s getting me bad on the “ family “ end

and it feels REAL but I know it’s OCD and I keep feeling like I want a woman ultimately and will be with one and now I feel like I am just a queer in denial .

When I had my curiosity I only told 3 people but I made sure to say I was only curious and I never even did anything or acted on it.

But I keep getting graphic thoughts of losing my virginity to a woman and marrying and raising a child with a woman and it feels like I truly want this . I felt faux happy when reading articles about late in life lesbians and looking at pictures of lesbian families but also wanted to cry cuz I felt like thats my reality and I am in denial about it.

I know it’s OCD ****ing with me because I have been anticpating my first time being with the guy I am in love with and I am so in love with him it hurts , falling for him changed my life for the better even though sometimes he treats me weird ( he has issues and he’s younger ) but he is who I love so much to the point where it makes me emotional and I want us to be to together and I want to have a baby with him and in my true heart I feel like that’s what is going to happen ❤️ We have the foundation and the feelings are real we are just figuring stuff out .

 

 I suppressed my feminitity and love for men for so long . I finally feel liberated and emancipated in my womanhood and loving men is not all of me but it’s such a part of me that I love and I am scared I will never desire men again . 

When I see men I feel electricity and butterflies and I feel like I am going to lose that part of me that I love so much . 

I feel like my identity is changing and I will accept it and be happy .

I read stories about women turning “ gay “ later in life .

If I were gay or truly bisexual I would have known in middle school because I was exposed to it and a girl told me she liked me and I was so disgusted and also I am sure another girl liked me and I was so confused by her behavior towards me but I found out after we graduated she was gay .

 

 I don’t think you can turn gay later in life because you are born that way .I had weird trauma but aside from my brothers I always was around women because I had to be and I always found them beautiful but in admiration. My emotional abuser always made me dress like a boy and I hated it so much.

I just get so scared cuz all my life I felt like I was conforming and I am scared I will never like men again 🥺😔 

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3 hours ago, Kirmilang said:

Hi all I am back and hope everyone has been well.

So it’s been ALOT from having lesbian marriage / family dreams to loss of attraction for men.

I honestly know exactly what HOCD is pulling on and I started accepting the thoughts and allowing them .

But it’s getting me bad on the “ family “ end

and it feels REAL but I know it’s OCD and I keep feeling like I want a woman ultimately and will be with one and now I feel like I am just a queer in denial .

When I had my curiosity I only told 3 people but I made sure to say I was only curious and I never even did anything or acted on it.

But I keep getting graphic thoughts of losing my virginity to a woman and marrying and raising a child with a woman and it feels like I truly want this . I felt faux happy when reading articles about late in life lesbians and looking at pictures of lesbian families but also wanted to cry cuz I felt like thats my reality and I am in denial about it.

I know it’s OCD ****ing with me because I have been anticpating my first time being with the guy I am in love with and I am so in love with him it hurts , falling for him changed my life for the better even though sometimes he treats me weird ( he has issues and he’s younger ) but he is who I love so much to the point where it makes me emotional and I want us to be to together and I want to have a baby with him and in my true heart I feel like that’s what is going to happen ❤️ We have the foundation and the feelings are real we are just figuring stuff out .

 

 I suppressed my feminitity and love for men for so long . I finally feel liberated and emancipated in my womanhood and loving men is not all of me but it’s such a part of me that I love and I am scared I will never desire men again . 

When I see men I feel electricity and butterflies and I feel like I am going to lose that part of me that I love so much . 

I feel like my identity is changing and I will accept it and be happy .

I read stories about women turning “ gay “ later in life .

If I were gay or truly bisexual I would have known in middle school because I was exposed to it and a girl told me she liked me and I was so disgusted and also I am sure another girl liked me and I was so confused by her behavior towards me but I found out after we graduated she was gay .

 

 I don’t think you can turn gay later in life because you are born that way .I had weird trauma but aside from my brothers I always was around women because I had to be and I always found them beautiful but in admiration. My emotional abuser always made me dress like a boy and I hated it so much.

I just get so scared cuz all my life I felt like I was conforming and I am scared I will never like men again 🥺😔 

Wow, I don't know what to say but sometimes feelings are not always real and you cannot always

trust your mind.  Because a thousand of things go through your mind and you have to determine

what is best for you.   I often go with the things that go through my mind that can help me and

help others around me to become their best self.  Anything that handicap you or take away from

your life is probably best to stay away from it.

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4 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

Wow, I don't know what to say but sometimes feelings are not always real and you cannot always

trust your mind.  Because a thousand of things go through your mind and you have to determine

what is best for you.   I often go with the things that go through my mind that can help me and

help others around me to become their best self.  Anything that handicap you or take away from

your life is probably best to stay away from it.

Hi thank you for answering me 

I assume you talk about the lesbian obsessions when not trusting my mind and that feelings are not always real and tbh I agree .

But it’s like ugh because I was so closed off in regards to men I am an easy target and it feels like I don’t really like them.

The body reactions are what scare me the most and like I can acknowledge alot of this is laughable and ridiculous ( I felt attracted to Hillary Clinton , Beyonce , and my own sister ) it’s my body reactions that keep getting me but thank GOD even tho my libido is shot when I see attractive men I say praise the lord cuz I wanna pounce internally .

My fear is that I will stop loving men and be with a woman and I will be happy with that life , I know it won’t happen cuz I am not a lesbian nor am I bisexual which I used to think cuz of my curiosity in the past .

I am confident that I am straight that’s the most honest thing I can admit at my age and I just have an undying love for men that I never want gone I always have and I will always long and desire a male companion but I get so sad thinking I will lose it all and be ok with it 😔 

I am about to be 34 and even tho me and the guy I like have issues being in love with him changed my life and I just love men so much and want to have one ( I pray it’s him forever ) and I want to maybe get married and definetly have a family with one .

I try to focus on finding my happiness which I did last year after I met him , my happiness isn’t soley based around the guy I love but it was finding my own light and he helped me find it . I love desiring men I know I keep saying it but it’s apart of me that I love and finally get to embrace and live outloud ❤️

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The mind is so crazy and it can just roam at time and have you thinking some really far

out there stuff and you have to quickly real it in before you do some crazy sh- t.  I been there

many times  

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4 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

The mind is so crazy and it can just roam at time and have you thinking some really far

out there stuff and you have to quickly real it in before you do some crazy sh- t.  I been there

many times  

 It’s very true and I almost ruined myself because of that like wow I think of my growth and progression .... 

Like I was bicurious and maybe would have done experimenting but holy hell I thought about that and I don’t think ppl doing things with the same sex is bad but for me ? I would have been ****ed up and never recovered not because of what society thinks but I understand my body now and even tho I am a virgin dealing with a guy and having discussions about sex like ... I just wouldn’t have been ok and regretted it because it’s NOT for me .

When I had that curiosity I found out I was only getting groinal responses and I wasn’t truly aroused by women I had no idea what was happening ... but I suppressed my desires for men for sure cuz I thought I was ugly and also afraid of my family finding out and always having somethibg to say especially because I am african american and most of the men including whom I am seeing are not black . I got yelled at for that when I was younger.

But I am thankful and I am glad I am not the only one who went through something like that .

Thx for answering me again .

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Hi Gang I am back

Sooo yeah I am back again . * sigh * it’s getting awful and it’s the groinal responses and still me thinking every woman I see is attractive , I felt aroused hugging my own aunt last week ( I think I got that groinal response because she used to have a gf )

It’s becoming too much and I can’t even call my counslers because of coronavirus .

I also been hallucinating I think .

The thoughts will feed on literally anything like today I imagined grabbing my friends butt and it really felt like I wanted to do it / I did it and it felt so real and I wanted to die ( I also think this friend has a crush on me and I avoid her but that’s another long story )

I know the body sensations are faux because with men it’s immediate and it’s natural , it’s not just me finding them hot it’s just fireworks and happiness . When I talk about sex with the guy I love it feels right .

But sometimes I wonder is it just because I never been with a girl so idk what I want ? I should probably be talking to a therapist and I know it’s HOCD screwing with me and it feeds on me being virgin but I keep getting sad thinking its my subconcious and I am about to become a lesbian 😔😔😔 and I will have to like it .

But its def my HOCD , I took my heterosexuality for granted for so long and I promise the way I feel for men is not how I feel for women at ALL and I love being straight but sometimes I feel like my sexuality is flipping .

I personally dont believe in latent homosexuality it contradicts being born gay 100% but I am so scared .

Sometimes I ask am I suppressing my attraction to women but I remember being down that road before and suppressing my attraction to men so I know that’s not happening.

Some women are beautiful I admire them but kissing ? Loving ? Having sex ? I legit feel sick at the thought and I feel sick typing this too.

I am also a girl who loves rebellious men and my relationship rn is with a guy I never imagined which scares me cuz I think “ Oh I mever imagined being with a woman but here I am “ and I wanna die tbh .

Anyways I love someone so much and my feelings for him truly outweigh this but it’s so hard to deal with .

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