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Charlee

Bad experience, PTSD, keep reliving it

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Is it alright on here to talk about rape? Because it happened to me in 2011, and then (few years later) I was in a relationship where my partner didn't and wouldn't understand the word no and every time we had sex it was always like this, it was always me giving in because I didn't want to upset him, because I thought it wasn't normal to not want to do it, because I was too scared to speak up for myself and storm out, because I knew if I didnt give in then he would keep going. I left him early 2019, but we stayed friends and every time we hung out he kept trying, kept pushing, kept touching. Why does this happen? Why are men "boys" so ****ing mean and rude and then they get upset at you for resisting? WHY? I don't feel like he raped me, but consent was blurred more than 90% of the time, so wtf does this say about me? 

The last year has been pretty difficult, I started therapy to try and resolve this shit, but now that it's been brought up, I keep reliving what happened in 2011. I keep watching it happen in my mind like a movie playing, I remember new things, I remember how it felt, I remember how scared I was and how much I didn't want to be there or do that. I remember afterwards saying that "you pretty much just raped me" and he was like "what? no!" and it was downplayed to nothing, to a joke. I told my mum (sort if) and all she said was "I'm sorry that happened to you" and also went on to say what a "nice boy he is, you don't want to ruin his life" and it was never brought up again, until 2018 when we had a massive argument about it because she was trying to say it wasn't rape. I moved out a few weeks later. 

And now, after realising that I was raped in 2011, that my mum was wrong, that my last relationship wasn't normal or healthy, that feeling like you're not believed, it really ****s with you. It ****s with you so hard. And I'm so angry, so angry at my mum for downplaying and saying "he's a nice boy, you don't want to ruin his life" like wtf what about MY life? I'm angry at rapist #1 and "man" who didnt listen. It makes me so angry that when the topic of rape comes up, women (older? boomers?) especially will be thinking about the rapist and a potential sexual offence record and "ruining their lives" like the life of the victim has already been ruined, and the rapist will go on his merry way and never think about it again.

This decade has been damn hard. I suppressed everything, I've wanted to die, I've self harmed, taken too many drugs and drunk way too much. Ive been so depressed that I couldn't focus or be "apart of society" I couldn't go to work or do basic things like taking a shower or eat properly. My anxiety has been driven through the roof, I was set up on a date to meet an apparently lovely boy but I couldn't go, I had a panic attack instead and smoked weed until I wasn't thinking about it anymore. I'm absolutely terrified to date, and I just wont do it. Im terrified of men, I'm terrified of feeling stuck and trapped in another relationship like above, because I cant trust that I'll be able to stick up for myself and gtf out. So it's easier and safer to not put myself anywhere near men at all. 

I told my older sister the other day about it who didn't know, but I don't feel better about it, I feel scared at sharing something so personal and private with her because we aren't very close, I had to delete the message describing what happened because it was making me feel sick. And I feel like she doesn't believe me either, which makes me feel worthless and scared and sad.

I don't know how to deal with it, with any of it. 

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Hi @Charlee. It sounds like people weren't supportive, didn't believe you and that's awful and shockingly common. What happened to you was real and terrible, I offer my compassion and sympathy - which you also deserved from your loved ones.

I think it is courageous of you to share your story here. Did writing it out make you feel any better, or worse, or the same?

I've heard from a lot of people who live with trauma they had a rough beginning to therapy; it can trigger re-enactments. Some have put aside processing the event for now or until they can first learn coping and cognitive techniques, grounding techniques and distress tolerance. You mentioned you started therapy. Have you also considered a support group where you can be heard, receive understanding, compassion and hope from others who experienced sexual assault?

Wishing you some peace and relief from your suffering. 

 

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