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I must be developing some kind of seasonal depression, because I'm having more trouble staying positive and secure in my beliefs than ever before now. I find myself thinking stuff I only ever thought back when I didn't even realize how severe my depression could get (back in college, I mean). Feels like I'm constantly in need of some kind of validation lately. Like I can't be certain that my family still loves me, or that my parents are still proud of me (not that I ever understood why they were proud to begin with), or that my friends still like me, or that things will turn around and get better if I keep moving forward somehow. For some reason, I just can't keep all of these insecurities from getting into my head lately. It's maddening. To think something I know not to be true over and over again, faster than my brain can even process so that any attempts to logic my way out of these thoughts is just met with these insecurities being shouted in my head ad infinitum.

How can I validate myself like this? I can't just break down and start crying every time I feel this way. I can't just expect other people to validate my life for me, can I? Yeah, we're social creatures, but I don't want to get my sense of security solely from other people, because what happens when other people aren't around? For God's sake, I'm getting so bad that I couldn't even watch this romance show that I usually anticipate every week, all because while I'm watching it in the back of my head I'm thinking "How sad. Do you think watching this will somehow ensure you get to live a happy and fulfilling life? That'll never happen." As if I have any way of knowing my future right now. That's when I drew the line and came here to type this out. I'll deal with the brief moments of hating myself and thinking everyone else hates me before I go to sleep every night, but the moment I can't even enjoy some alone time with something new, that's how I know I need to vent or something.

It's kinda my thing to say this now. I always value other people's perspectives and stories. I get a lot of insight from reading replies from y'all. So, tell me how you validate your life and how you regain a sense of security in your relationships. That is, if you don't mind.

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Psycholuigiman,

Well, you certainly help me and so many people here on the Forums to feel less isolated and alone with our own personal doubts, miseries and pain.  That makes you a hero to me. 

Heroes are not just people who perform some epic feat that makes the newspapers.  Nor are they just people who work in crisis professions. 

Helping a depressed or anxious person to feel less alone helps that person to stay alive and keep going.  And that is every bit as life saving as the work of emergency professionals.  So I think you are a person of great stature.

One of my personal heroes was Oskar Schindler. 

He didn't get much validation from his family.  He had lots of problems.  In a certain respect he sort of failed as a husband, a son, a businessman.  He overindulged in numerous vices.

But he is not really known for any of that.  He is known for saving the lives of people during the Holocaust.  And that pretty well erased everything else in his life.

The fact that you help me and others here on the Forums is not something that can ever be taken away from you.  It is a mark you make in time, history and eternity.  I personally think you are pretty special!

- epictetus

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Questioning.  Questioning everything can be .... dangerous.  Double edged sword. 

I like challenging my beliefs, who I am, life, religion etc.  Without questioning and challenging, we live in a bubble and can be blind to so many things.  We can grow when we question things.

But, always questioning everything is a problem.  It will only unsettle us.  So, we (our types) should be careful when we are questioning certain things.

Do those we love love us?  Who am I (really)?  Why do others accept me? Do they really accept me?

Do you trust your family?  What do they say? What do they do?  Are their actions contradictory to what they say?  If so, maybe some concern.  Otherwise, we should trust them.  Sure, it may be hard for us to trust.  Or, we may not accept other's opinion of us if we have such a different opinion of ourselves (one of us has to be wrong, probably them.  But what if it's my perspective that is biased?)  If you trust friends and family on all other matters, listen and trust them here also.

Of course, we here can be "higher maintenance" than "the normals of the world" (if such exists!)  So, we should give some appreciation for those that do care enough to stay in our lives.  Thank those that are there when we need them (especially after any crisis) 

Validation is an interesting subject.  We should have some internal and also some external. Since a certain show triggered your insecurities, what does that say?  Sure, there is always the "maybe you should not watch that show", but I'd like to hear more on specifically what in that show.

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We all want to be liked by others. In the past when I think that someone doesn’t like me and hates my guts, I feel like giving up on living cos I don’t know if I can go on if people around me hates me. It took years for me to understand that it’s impossible to please everyone. We can’t control how others think and whether they want to validate us or not.

What’s mentioned by @mmoose is also important..trust them to appreciate you no matter what you had done.

It’s hard to swallow that we won’t get on with everyone for everything we do. Expect your share of disapproval. Even close friends or relatives don’t approve of every single thing you do all of the time and that’s ok everyone have their own ideas.

There is only one person whose approval you really need, and that’s you. Other people’s expectations are not your concern. You didn’t create them, and you don’t own them. If others don’t like what you do that’s their problem, not yours.

And then there’s the inner demon/inner critic that stomps on our self-esteem and makes all our efforts seem worthless. I still can’t get rid of that part of my head that tells me my future is worthless and that I’m living a meaningless life. Why am I thinking those thoughts? Where is it taking me? Does it help me in any way? I’m still struggling and it takes a lot of effort to bring myself to change my thoughts and ask myself what’s the thought that’s most helpful for my life. 

I read somewhere that we need to embrace the dark parts of ourselves and own them. You can’t strive to achieve great success if you aren’t also paranoid about failure. You can’t desire wonderful relationships if you aren’t also terrified of those losses. 

The fact that you have those thoughts show your desire to learn and become better. Accept that they are there. Don’t be afraid of your negative thoughts that stops you from enjoying your show: just know them for what they are – not the truth, just negative thoughts, false ideas, false concepts. Forgive yourself for having those thoughts if you need. We all need a break away from life and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I hope you get to enjoy your weekly shows again. I myself hold on to my shows online to give me slight happiness in life.

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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Epictetus, you're such a hero on this forum. It means a lot to me that you'd say something similar to me. Thank you. I guess I forgot what real life heroes are like. So, thank you for reminding me.

Depressedgurl is right too. I let my inner critic stomp all over everything that I am and have done. I tried to shut it out, but that made it worse. It would really help if I could nurture that part of me. I imagine that inner critic is there to keep me from getting a swelled head (a bad habit I used to have in my mid teens). Sadly, I have no idea how to do that.

mmoose asked about the show I was watching. It was an anime called Golden Times. Recently started getting episodes in English. It's a romance about a university student who lost his memory right after he graduated high school. He has to make some tough choices about the love of his old life before he lost his memory, and the love of his new life since getting out of the hospital. I guess this show set me off because, as I'm watching him just make the most of his new life and have a ton of fun doing it, while glimpsing into his old life and seeing how loved and appreciated he was, something petty rises within me. I mean, I don't want that kind of harsh choice in my life, but I do want people to love me all the same. Then, that inner critic chimes in to tell me I haven't earned it and that I never will. That's the point I had to turn it off.

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Wow does this thread hit home for me!  I can relate to and agree with everything said here.  

There are two things that usually help me deal with feelings of insecurity, failure, etc.  #1. Accepting the feeling.  Sounds backwards but helps me not make an even bigger deal of the feeling.  "OK, so this is how I feel right now.  I have felt both better and worse and will again."   #2. Petting and holding my two cats.  I get warmth, comfort, and purring without the complications that go with dealing with people.  😉

Hope you feel better soon.  ((Hugs))

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1 hour ago, jkd_sd said:

Wow does this thread hit home for me!  I can relate to and agree with everything said here.  

There are two things that usually help me deal with feelings of insecurity, failure, etc.  #1. Accepting the feeling.  Sounds backwards but helps me not make an even bigger deal of the feeling.  "OK, so this is how I feel right now.  I have felt both better and worse and will again."   #2. Petting and holding my two cats.  I get warmth, comfort, and purring without the complications that go with dealing with people.  😉

Hope you feel better soon.  ((Hugs))

I can relate as well.

Accepting the fact(s) I use to do well but with a change in medication (5 months now)  I've found myself being on the edge, so to speak, ruminating. So I find myself struggling to accept the facts. I need to relearn this.

Oh you're right! I have dogs who keep me grounded and comfortable when I'm feeling down. Cheers! :flowers:

Edited by shio
Forgot to add more

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Psycholuigiman,

I think environment plays an important role in the ability to validate yourself. For example when I was in the military, the environment was stressful sometimes depending on what was going on and we were sleep deprieved and there was a lot to do in the day so people did things in that environment that they normally would not do in another environment.

Sometimes you may find that less sun or hostile workplace or school is the negative environment. You have to find your locus of control. While we cannot control others you can report things that are clearly wrong. For example I witnessed a sexual assault happen and it really bothered me so I reported it.

I grew up in some horrible environments in low income and I have seen things happen that should never occur. What has helped me the most is to take myself to a better environment.

The trick is to use your imagination. Because when I feel sad or like I dont belong, I listen to music and I day dream that I am somewhere else in a fantasy environment. And in this other world I go to it is much better than I world I live in now.

What this does for me is it allows me to see what a better world, a better future would look like. And if I can see it then it makes it possible for me to work towards it.

You can think of any time or place in history or even outside of history, think of a place that makes you happy and just stay there. That is the power of imagi ation but it is limited.

An example of the limitation is when I was in the military all my friends smoked like crazy and I hated smoke and everywhere felt dirty with all the sand and old diesel vehicles and rusted junkyards. I liked some of the stuff but the air was always bad so I brought a little plant with me and he was my best friend. Then I realized I love plants and gardening and they make me happy so when I feel sad I imagine myself in the forest or I actually just go hiking and I keep a whole bunch of plants now and have a greenhouse room to meditate in.

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On 1/13/2020 at 11:16 AM, jkd_sd said:

Wow does this thread hit home for me!  I can relate to and agree with everything said here.  

There are two things that usually help me deal with feelings of insecurity, failure, etc.  #1. Accepting the feeling.  Sounds backwards but helps me not make an even bigger deal of the feeling.  "OK, so this is how I feel right now.  I have felt both better and worse and will again."   #2. Petting and holding my two cats.  I get warmth, comfort, and purring without the complications that go with dealing with people.  😉

Hope you feel better soon.  ((Hugs))

So,  despite feeling and sounding like a crazy person, I ended up adding a long conversation with myself to my bedtime routine. Instead of forcing myself to sleep and inevitably laying awake thinking "I hate myself" over and over, I've been trying to do some introspective work on myself. I guess my problem now hasn't been the same as it used to be. Used to be, all I knew was school, cartoons, and video games, and that made me feel useless. I thought getting some new hobbies would just fix me. I guess it kinda did for a long time, but I suppose it's not really enough to make me feel secure. Having a dialogue with myself has helped me so far.  Thank you for your concern.

And oh my God, the day I can finally live in my own place for good is the day I get a cat. (Brother is allergic and parents hate cats, and none of us want a dog).

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4 hours ago, psycholuigiman said:

Brother is allergic and parents hate cats, and none of us want a dog).

<*snicker*>  You reminded me of something.  Long ago I made a sampler for a friend whose last name means 'cat' in another language.  The sampler said, "He who dislikes the cat was in his former life a rat."  😉

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