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Natasha1

Thoughts, Planning, It's Starting Again

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I am really struggling. My husband is at it again. And all i can think about are my imperfections, inferiority snd jow everything i say and do is wrong. 

My brain automatically turns to restricting. And i plan it out to be perfect.

I cant go back there. I just cant. Im supposed to start dbt again in february for my borderline and all i can think about with that is lying about not engaging in my target behaviours on my diary cards and group check ins.

I cant stop the thoughts and im so scared im going to start again and not be able to stop this time.

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I know exactly how you feel.  I've been living that life for many years now.  I'm an "expert".  I can make everything "perfect" like you said.  If I told the people in my life everything I go through to make things perfect they would think I'm crazier than I've ever been.  It's a life of fear of what people's judgement will be though.  I've convinced myself I have to continue this to protect myself but it's a road to madness.

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30 years. I had a little bit of a break from it in the past 10, more on/off (if you can call it that).

Im a pro too, except its been harder to do now that im getting older and makes me feel its just one more thing to fail at. But when i plan to this extent it tends to get more serious. 

Hoping i can get through this and you too @sober4life

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The only way we can get better is to rid ourselves of the toxic people in our lives or at least take away their meaning to us in all of this.  I hate the people that have screwed me up so much and made me fear them so much that this obsession began.  It's fine for me to be healthy and remain healthy but as long as they are a part of this there will never be health.  They don't matter.  I have to be happy and healthy for me.

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Wish I knew what to say to help but I can't even seem to help myself.  Depression is so awful all by itself, but when you have it and things really start going south, it's just unbearable.  I am 65 now and I never thought how depression would take a toll on my mind as I aged.  Never considered how it would affect an aged brain.  - sigh- Only people living through the nightmare can understand each other, really.  I hope . . . and hope against hope . . . that 2020 will be better ! ! !

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Natasha, forgive me if I'm not understanding, but dbt is "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy," yes?  What harm can it do?  It's to help you "accept and change," is it not?  (I just graduated from the school of "Web MD".)  So, if you know what it is and how it is supposed to work, why hide what you're feeling?  It can't work if you don't participate and aren't truthful.  That's what it's for.  It seems lying would be SO COMPLICATED to keep up with, and, would be a toxic drain on you emotionally.  Why act like you're okay if you're not?  Your husband doesn't have to know anything that goes on in your therapy, and maybe therapy would better arm you against his emotional and verbal assaults.

Whatever your condition or circumstances, though, you DO make a difference here.  You know yourself better than anyone and again, I ask you to forgive my ignorance. 

You're a poet!  Your work produces such imagery for me.  You let us see who you are through your posts and your poetry--and your courage is such an example for me, especially since I feel I've lost mine.

Anyway, thinking of you, ❤️

WOTL

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Oh jeez. This doesn't sound good at all. I'm very sorry you are struggling. 

I don't have any useful tips. I'm only an expert in the suffering side, not the "how to fix things" side.

 

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I am sorry to hear you're struggling @Natasha1 I hope we can give you some support and I think it's terrific that you're heading into another cycle of DBT. Lying on diary cards, I been there.

If your environment, community or relationships are contributing to your reliance on a problem behavior - that's way too much to overcome. I feel like those three are meant to be your supports rather than challenges for you. But if I'm making the wrong assumptions about what's causing you this distress, I apologize. 

My maladaptive coping behaviors like binge eating are how I deal with an invalidating environment, eating helps me regulate emotions. So of course I fall back on it when I don't have supportive relationships and my quality of life is crappy.

Anyway I wanted you know I don't think you're failing at DBT or that DBT is failing you rather your supports might be failing you and skills aren't meant to overcome everything. 

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