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Pure O (of OCD) turning into depression


Lundi_Hvalursson

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For close to my whole life, I have had moderate to severe OCD, including what they call "Pure O", or just ruminations without rituals. Although I often have rituals as well. However, since Christmas, I felt quite depressed and ruminating about my social/dating life, or better said, lack thereof. 

I was increasing my self-esteem and self-confidence prior to Christmas, but now my ruminations about having no girlfriend plus no friends at all is occupying perhaps 40 seconds of each minute. I feel a lot of self-shame. It is not as intense as my depression between age 23-25, when I was also very sad about my lack of girlfriend plus friends, and I lost a third of my body weight (80 kg --> 55 kg) because I lost my appetite from depression about this topic. When I used to think a lot about it, I would feel like I had an upset stomach.

Right now I think that the OCD is intertwined with my sad feelings. Has anyone had this combination of OCD, especially Pure O, into depressive feelings?

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Hi @Lundi_Hvalursson. In glad you're writing about OCD, I'd be interested to know more about how you experience it and ways you cope. It would be interesting to hear your thoughts about any connections you notice between any specific. ruminations and depression. 

I noticed you've mentioned in other posts that you have or do attend meetups, so I'm wondering if you noticed the OCD meetup group and if you might consider attending that? Please let me know if you have questions about it. 

Hoping you find a little relief from the sadness you're feeling.

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9 hours ago, Atra said:

Hi @Lundi_Hvalursson. In glad you're writing about OCD, I'd be interested to know more about how you experience it and ways you cope. It would be interesting to hear your thoughts about any connections you notice between any specific. ruminations and depression. 

I noticed you've mentioned in other posts that you have or do attend meetups, so I'm wondering if you noticed the OCD meetup group and if you might consider attending that? Please let me know if you have questions about it. 

Hoping you find a little relief from the sadness you're feeling.

I have had OCD since I was a small boy, perhaps since even age 4 or 5. But the Pure O part where it manifests itself as ruminations, then turning into depressive feelings, occurred much later. 

So basically as you know I think a lot about how I missed out in my 20s on dating and social life. For around 40 seconds of every minute that I spend awake, I have been ruminating the past week about issue, especially the dating part. I keep thinking, "Could I have done something different or better so that I would not be single all the way until age 30?" and over and over I think of maybe I could have tried to at least pretend to be more normal. 

Another rumination is feeling despair, because I feel that it is not getting easier--rather it is getting harder. I am 30, and many people already are married, have a family, or at least have a girlfriend. I am stuck in a rut, like I cannot get out. And I feel like the meetups are not helping. I have zero friends, plus finding a girlfriend seems like way above my capabilities. It seems like doing this at 30 is way harder logistically than at 20. 

When I ruminate about this, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach and chest. It does not help that I had been diagnosed with chronic hypertension at age 26. My doctor told me that 26 and hypertension is extremely young and very rare. And I was told that my anxiety and other mental problems are ruining my blood pressure. So, the ruminations I try to stop, to help my blood pressure. But all of these feelings cause even more depressive feelings, because I analyse about how to improve, but I seem stuck in a place, both physically and abstractly, where it seems like I am so far behind everyone at my age. When I meet a 30 year old with a wife and career, I think of my own 30 year old self, stuck with no girlfriend, no friends at all, plus basically doing minimum wage stuff. Ruminating about this over and over turns into depression.

I never heard of OCD meetups. I have never heard anyone here in San Francisco mention it to me. 

I try to keep up with my hobbies. I am a very stoic, serious person, and anyone who knows or meets me can see that I very rarely show emotions nor body language. I have a "poker face" naturally, and do not wear my heart on my sleeve. But often, like right now, I just sit at my desk, clasping my head with both hands trying to think positive. And trying not to think of missing out on love in my 20s, which can easily lead to crying, something that I very, very rarely do in the first place.

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On 12/29/2019 at 12:53 PM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

I never heard of OCD meetups. I have never heard anyone here in San Francisco mention it to me. 

Searching meetup for "support groups" will return the OCD group and several other support groups for those with chronic mental health conditions. It may be worth your while to visit more than one of these group as each has a different dynamic.

I mentioned the OCD support group because it meets in San Francisco and it's run by a friend who has lived experience with at least 2 of the conditions you mentioned you live with. 

Thank you for describing your struggle with rumination, I identify with that. I've worked hard in therapy to expose and alter automatic thought processes and it has helped. Not free of rumination, I have loosened its grip. 

 

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My brother has the most severe Pure O that I have ever heard of. It evolved into anxiety and depression. There's a good book for severe OCD where you do exposure therapy but you would need someone to help you with it. If you are interested I can find the title/author. Constant ruminating and obsession will make you depressed.

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