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hendricksbrock

I am at a loss

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I don't know what to do anymore.I haven't posted here for awhile because I'm at a loss for words. I don't even know what to say anymore, you know? It's ridiculous for me to even try because I know nothing I can say can convey to you how I feel. At this point in my life, everything feels redundant. There is no point to anything I do. Why try? My family thinks I am selfish and I know so because they tell me that. I'm not telling you this because I'm like "look at how unfair my family is" I'm telling you this because it's probably true. I've heard it from them all, "I love you... but I'm disappointed." "All you do is think about yourself." "You only ever want to victimize yourself you can't even be a sister or daughter." I'm not here to debate the validity of the things they say to me because I am tired of that. I know there is no winning even if I admit those things are true or false. At the end of the day, this is how my family feels about me. That is how they see me. Whether I truly am a selfish person I'm not sure I'll ever know, but they've made it plain to me how they feel. And it hurts, you know? I'm all about sharing feelings but knowing your family thinks you're a horrible person is hard. I try to change but I've heard this same thing for years. My sister prides herself on being honest but sometimes she is too honest, sometimes I just don't want to hear the details of how much I take and take and take. I've already wondered if I am a horrible person and the jury decided YES! You are! I know I am one! I'm with you there, girl. I know it is unfair to me to not allow her to talk about how she feels, if she feels that way about me then that is how she feels. I can't just mute her and pretend I'm not hearing it because I "AlReaDy HaTe MySelF." That would make me... selfish. Do you see what I mean when I say everything is so redundant? I always come back to point one. I know if my family saw this post they would think I'm just looking for sympathy because apparently that is all I ever do. I don't want them to feel that way about me, I don't want them to see this. I am ashamed of my own gluttony sometimes. How do I outrun my own self hatred when I think in a lot of ways it is well deserved? 

So I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I would say I'm at a crossroads but I don't see any paths at all. I don't want to tell people about the way I'm feeling and the things I'm thinking because I'm not sure how they will react. I used to think "will my life be liked this ten years from now? is this still who I will be?" Now, I do not think about my life at all. I am sick of it. I am sick of myself. 

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1 hour ago, hendricksbrock said:

My family thinks I am selfish and I know so because they tell me that.

My heart bleeds for you in this situation. I have been there. I grew up in a family dominated by a narcissistic mother and in my house being called selfish was the worst thing you could be called. It took me a long time to realize that the problem was not me. I was just trying to live me life and get my own emotional needs me. Doing this was considered selfish.

1 hour ago, hendricksbrock said:

I'm all about sharing feelings but knowing your family thinks you're a horrible person is hard. I try to change but I've heard this same thing for years.

It sounds like you may be in the position of scapegoat in your family. The problem is not you girl. There is nothing wrong with you - never forget that. You are deserving of having your needs met. Asking for that is not selfish - it is human.

1 hour ago, hendricksbrock said:

My sister prides herself on being honest but sometimes she is too honest, sometimes I just don't want to hear the details of how much I take and take and take. I've already wondered if I am a horrible person and the jury decided YES! You are! I know I am one! I'm with you there, girl.

I know it is unfair to me to not allow her to talk about how she feels, if she feels that way about me then that is how she feels.

I can't just mute her and pretend I'm not hearing it because I "AlReaDy HaTe MySelF." That would make me... selfish.

Asking someone to stop berating you and forever reminding you of the mistakes in your past is not selfish. All you are asking is for her to be kind and compassionate. You are in no way required to validate her feeling or even put up with her telling you that you are horrible. It is her behavior that is unacceptable - not yours.

1 hour ago, hendricksbrock said:

I know if my family saw this post they would think I'm just looking for sympathy because apparently that is all I ever do. I don't want them to feel that way about me, I don't want them to see this. I am ashamed of my own gluttony sometimes. How do I outrun my own self hatred when I think in a lot of ways it is well deserved? 

You do not deserve this treatment - no one does. I would not wish my childhood on my worst enemy, because it caused me to doubt myself and my own worth for years. I still do. 

 

1 hour ago, hendricksbrock said:

 I used to think "will my life be liked this ten years from now? is this still who I will be?" 

Right now you are in a difficult position, because, as a teenage (is that correct?) you cannot distance yourself from them. This will not always be the case. The best thing I ever did was go away to college. It allowed me to learn who I had the potential to be away from her and the chaos of my family. It took a long time, but eventually I was able to become friendly with my siblings and we became a unit that was able to support each other when the parental situation becomes chaotic. 

I would guess that in 10 years - you will be someone different. Allow yourself to love yourself as you are - you are deserving of that. 

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So sorry that you are in such a hard situation. Yet you have awareness and want to be better. Hope you have or can get a good therapist to help you work through all this, someone who will be on your side and help you see things as they really are. You sound like you have a good heart so don't give up. You have value.

BW

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On 12/26/2019 at 4:12 PM, JessiesMom said:

My heart bleeds for you in this situation. I have been there. I grew up in a family dominated by a narcissistic mother and in my house being called selfish was the worst thing you could be called. It took me a long time to realize that the problem was not me. I was just trying to live me life and get my own emotional needs me. Doing this was considered selfish.

It sounds like you may be in the position of scapegoat in your family. The problem is not you girl. There is nothing wrong with you - never forget that. You are deserving of having your needs met. Asking for that is not selfish - it is human.

Asking someone to stop berating you and forever reminding you of the mistakes in your past is not selfish. All you are asking is for her to be kind and compassionate. You are in no way required to validate her feeling or even put up with her telling you that you are horrible. It is her behavior that is unacceptable - not yours.

You do not deserve this treatment - no one does. I would not wish my childhood on my worst enemy, because it caused me to doubt myself and my own worth for years. I still do. 

 

Right now you are in a difficult position, because, as a teenage (is that correct?) you cannot distance yourself from them. This will not always be the case. The best thing I ever did was go away to college. It allowed me to learn who I had the potential to be away from her and the chaos of my family. It took a long time, but eventually I was able to become friendly with my siblings and we became a unit that was able to support each other when the parental situation becomes chaotic. 

I would guess that in 10 years - you will be someone different. Allow yourself to love yourself as you are - you are deserving of that. 

 I want to thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so sorry for responding so late but it’s been crazy over the holidays. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, I was in a really dark place and you really made me feel more confident in the fact that the way I’m feeling is only temporary. My family is in a tough spot right now, I don’t think we’ve ever had to deal with the things we’ve dealt with this year and our already slightly dysfunctional structure was even more challenged. I know I love them very much and they love me very much but I think you’re right... After such a transformative year for all of us maybe we need time to grow and find out who we are. After that we can begin to seek out our relationships in healthier ways maybe. I love my family so much and want to be with them always but I think you’re right when you say that perhaps distance and finding out who I am separate of these relationships is best. Thank you so much again for reaching out and sharing with me your own experiences. It means more than you could know. I hope you’re doing well and 2020 is off to a good start for you.

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On 12/27/2019 at 7:18 PM, BeyondWeary said:

So sorry that you are in such a hard situation. Yet you have awareness and want to be better. Hope you have or can get a good therapist to help you work through all this, someone who will be on your side and help you see things as they really are. You sound like you have a good heart so don't give up. You have value.

BW

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, especially during the holidays. It means so much and I think you’re right, I definitely need to find a therapist. I had a great one a year ago but unfortunately moved and haven’t found another since. I think part of me thinks “I’ll never find one as good as her so what’s the point?” But that’s a ridiculous way to think haha! Finding a new therapist always seems so daunting but I know that’s it’s just a part of the process. Thank you for encouraging me to not to give up. I really really need to hear that sometimes! I hope you’re doing well and thank you again for offering me such kinda words. 

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