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Dating reputation in males with Asperger's


Lundi_Hvalursson

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Much has been said on the topic of dating as an Asperger male, but I think there is not much said about one's dating reputation. In my own case, being a 30 year old virgin male who has always been single and never had even one girlfriend, I notice that in the past whenever people found out, their opinion of me changed. My reputation was essentially ruined permanently. Whether it was amongst fellow males for friendship, or amongst females for dating/courtship, both usually ended up dropping whatever positive opinions they had about me and it changed to very negative.

As in, in the past, when people asked, and I revealed to them my situation, they would usually gossip amongst others. Word spread like wildfire amongst my social communities, and people usually thought of me as "defective" as a person, viz. a "reject". I did not really care if males did not want to be friends with me because they thought that being friends with a virgin like me was beneath them, but it really hurt when females had in their mind that I was a "reject". It made it hard not only to date the women who knew, it also made it hard to date the other women who found out via third parties (gossip). 

As a male with Asperger's how did you fix your dating reputation? I turned 30 in late October this year, and my dating reputation is more or less ruined in this city. I am sure that any women who newly emigrated here might possibly know from gossip from some of my acquaintances. And it seems like when women find out, even if it is unconfirmed gossip, questions seem to raise in their head about my viability as a potential boyfriend given that I am single/virgin this old.

Of course, this does not have anything to do with my own self-esteem. I am raising it by myself. I am referring to my dating reputation as a whole in women's opinions, regardless of how I feel about myself.

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I don't have Asperger's, and I didn't have a sexual partner for a lot longer than you.  It's nobody's business.  I did, for a long while, allow that to define me, which created a lot of my own suffering.  It only matters if it matters to you.  

So...how do people "find out?"  People can and will make assumptions, but the only way they can know is if you tell them.  You can present yourself in such a way to others that nobody would have any idea, even if you are very inexperienced.

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Usually in the past I was too naïve and would answer honestly. Even when I stopped revealing information like this, gossip had already spread. Thus many started to know anyway.

I think that I did allow it to define me, and put me in depression. It matters in my own case in that I feel like I have missed out on a lot about relationships, especially in my 20s.

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On 12/29/2019 at 4:10 AM, Lundi_Hvalursson said:

Usually in the past I was too naïve and would answer honestly. Even when I stopped revealing information like this, gossip had already spread. Thus many started to know anyway.

I think that I did allow it to define me, and put me in depression. It matters in my own case in that I feel like I have missed out on a lot about relationships, especially in my 20s.

Oh, I totally get the part about missing out on stuff.  I also have felt like a failure of sorts.  My mom has said more than once that she was disappointed she didn't have grandchildren.  Of course, my brother fixed that and had two beautiful kids.  Kinda got me off the hook.  LOL

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3 hours ago, rhyl said:

Oh, I totally get the part about missing out on stuff.  I also have felt like a failure of sorts.  My mom has said more than once that she was disappointed she didn't have grandchildren.  Of course, my brother fixed that and had two beautiful kids.  Kinda got me off the hook.  LOL

I got some nasal viral infection last morning from being depressed about this. Every time I get very depressed, it lowers my immune system. So it probably screwed me up with virii. 

I honestly do not think that I should keep getting my health messed up due to ruminating like this. But I do hope that this new year I have better luck.

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