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Having a bad holiday

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I woke up early I don’t know what woke me up the day started off okay, I talked to my friends and everything was okay until I did the dishes and then my bad joints started to hurt, I took my medication for the pain and it sent me to sleep

I kept being woken up to be nagged at for various things like the keyboard not working, for not helping with food despite explaining how bad the pain was and how exhausted I felt

I ended up smashing the pc keyboard. The meat we got from the butchers was not good.

then when I was bursting for the bathroom dad called to tell me how great his Christmas was and how he never had a Christmas as good as this with me and my mum after my sister passed away and I just hung up the call after he finished and broke down in to tears and felt suicidal.

I've come to the living room to be alone because I can’t cope, I kept kept praying that I could die because my quality of life doesn’t seem good anymore

its me who struggles to pay the bills, me who struggles to do the dishes, tidy up and fix the drains and I am just sick and tired, I spent last week at the hospital getting x-rays because I got hip and spine issues, if I run or walk fast I get severe pain and numbness in the base of my spine and I don’t think the outcome is gonna be good and if fear that one day I won’t be able to walk, I can barely walk far these days, I am barely managing to drink enough fluids during the day and don’t feel like eating much anymore. I love our pets but I’m struggling to get up every day and clean and feed them but I do it because I love and care about them. I got to go to the doctors when I can and try and go and sell my phone so I can get some money. 

Over the festive period someone nasty contacted me over PlayStation messenger and said some very horrible things, over a game and I just seem to meet the worse kind of people playing certain games online

the one thing that made me happy today was my friends so many I should be great full for that, we hung out for a few hours in the game and talked, then we got our free RC Tank in the game which is really awesome and then they went offline as it’s late where they are, but talking to them make me happy.

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So glad that you had your friends. Christmas can be a really crappy day - mostly because you have this idea in your head that it is supposed to be wonderful. The picture in your head that our society has given you contrasts so much with your actual life - it can be really horrible.

Hang in there. 

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What really hurt me is what dad said and he said he didn’t have a Christmas this good since my sister died. He didn’t spent the Christmas with us just his my GF and her family 

what he was implying is that he never had a good Christmas with me

I keep crying and feeling really down and low.

i think I did set my expectation high for Christmas, we were going to have nice food and watch movies and I feel asleep through the first movie and that was Christmas gone until the evening and dad called and upset me

hr was talking about visiting in the new year but I’ve had enough if he comes up I am not going to make an effort because I am done trying

at the end of the I have severe mental health issues and I have to live around those

my mood can change quickly and my family  can and do trigger me and I’ve not got any fight left in me or any defences left

my friends make me happy when we play, chat and have friendly banter and I love driving around in my radio controlled tank on the game

next week I got to go and sell a few things, get some money and get a few things I need and then I just got to recover and wait for my X-rays to come back and to find out why my mobility is getting worse and what they can do to help

 if not I got to  persevere with lifting weights to try and strength my legs so I don’t struggle to walk

I've spent a lot of time in bed due to pain and the longer you spend in bed the weaker your legs can get

when I was in hospital I spent a week in bed and I could barely stand up or use the bathroom and it took a while to get back to normal, that was nearly 10 years ago

In a way I learn to only do what I can cope with to get by


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