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Today is My Birthday - feeling "meh".


Maxx55

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Hi everyone, today is my birthday and I am feeling kinda "meh". Not too extremely happy.....not too "oh woe is me" either. My family and I had a tradition....on our birthdays we would go to the restaurant of the birthday's choice and have dinner. My mom always chose either Olive Garden or Red Lobster, my dad wanted to go to a local family owned restaurant, I guess it is considered a chain since they have 4 or 5 establishments, but all owned by the same family. I always chose a steak place like Outback or Texas Roadhouse.

 

in 2016 we didn't go out for my birthday....it was too cold and my mom and dad didn't want to leave....not a problem and they said they would make it up later. We never did. In 2017 we didn't go out because my mom passed away in August and so it was just my dad and I and we just had a pizza. In 2018 my dad and I didn't go out because I had a colonoscopy earlier that day.....yes....a colonoscopy on my birthday....(everything checked out fine btw if you were curious). Today I left work early and decided to purchase my own steak dinner.....I guess you have to sometimes do things yourself, right? I guess I am feeling "meh" because I miss birthdays of years past with my parents and girlfriend and I. Now no girlfriend or wife, mother has passed away and my dad didn't want to go out. Of course those are the good birthdays.....one horrible birthday I had was when I invited 15-16 friends....we were going to go to Chuck E. Cheese.....only no one came...i stopped inviting friends to birthdays.... 

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Happy birthday @Maxx55. I'm sorry it isn't more joyous and I do get why you are nostalgic for birthdays of the past. 

My family, we tend not to celebrate birthdays or anniversaries on actual dates but rather observe them on a day that's actually convenient for any and all to attend. So I'm accustomed to the flexibility of when my birthday is observed. 

I think it is great that you treated yourself to a special birthday meal in spite of eating alone. In solidarity with you, I want to share that on my birthday of this year, I was in Paris. I was alone, exhausted from an overnight flight and confused and fearful of what to do in a foreign city I'd never visited before. I chose to go out to dinner by myself. It was scary, I dont speak much French but I decided it was better to honor and treat myself kindly in some fashion than to isolate. And it was fine. Though, I shouldn't have told the waiter it was my birthday - that led to unexpected outcomes!

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Thank you all for your comments. I found, I don't know the word, contentment??? that doesn't sound right either. I am tired....tired of loss...tired of losing.....Losing my wife to divorce....losing my mom....losing my girlfriend (even though she treated me harshly....more like a wallet than anything), tired of losing out on jobs that I really want and I am really qualified for.....I wish I could take a break for a month or two....just to try and de-stress myself.....

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8 hours ago, Maxx55 said:

Thank you all for your comments. I found, I don't know the word, contentment??? that doesn't sound right either. I am tired....tired of loss...tired of losing.....Losing my wife to divorce....losing my mom....losing my girlfriend (even though she treated me harshly....more like a wallet than anything), tired of losing out on jobs that I really want and I am really qualified for.....I wish I could take a break for a month or two....just to try and de-stress myself.....

Oh wow. I am sorry for all of your loss. It can be so overwhelming (I know from personal experience).

I (and many others here) would be happy to help celebrate your birthday at the eatery of your choice. I'll take blue cheese dressing on my salad, please.

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Things continue with just feeling "meh". I keep hearing from friends and co-workers about what presents they are giving....what presents they are hoping to receive....etc. It makes me feel kind of down....I don't receive many presents.....I received 10 dollars from work that was in a birthday card my co-workers gave me. My dad gave me a gift card to my favorite restaurant. I don't expect Christmas to be any different.....maybe I am being selfish....it at least means someone gives a damn about me....Enough to show that someone cares.  

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No, we get it. Many of us here have experienced loss on a similar scale. I guess maybe we wouldn't be here otherwise. 

I'm sorry that it is proving to be a lonely experience for you this year for your birthday and maybe even Christmas.  I think you are right to do things by yourself, for yourself. It's not the same as having someone to share it with but it's comforting to show yourself that you care and you will probably enjoy yourself a little bit if you engage in activities which you like.

Make the most of any social contact you have and do what you can with your dad. Christmas won't last forever. It's gonna be over in a flash. 

Personally I'm just saying a little prayer every day that I'll have someone to share things with next year. Many of us are in the same boat so you're not really alone. If you feel so lonely you might scream look at the moon and know that your fellow lonely souls are looking at it too.

Lots of love to you

Nightjar 

Edited by Nightjar
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Well it is 12/26 and I survived another Christmas. I guess I will tell you about my day. 

 

From midnight to 4 am, I was playing PC video games. I crawled into bed around 4:30 and then slept until 12 noon. After waking up, I took a shower, got dressed, and then went to visit my dad who lives about 20 minutes away. I brought him a gift card for Best Buy for Christmas.....he felt bad because he told me I didn't need to get him anything...but I wanted to. Since my mom passed, in 2017, neither my dad or I have put a Christmas tree. After spending some time with my dad, I went to see Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. It was my second time seeing it, but I enjoyed it just the same.

After exiting the theater, two people stopped me and asked where a banquet hall was in relation to the theater. They claimed they were from Chicago, had arrived earlier in the day and their phone died and didn't have a way to recharge it at the moment. I asked for the address and I looked it up for them and it was about 6-7 blocks away. They asked if it would be too much trouble to drive them there....they handed me $10.00 to take them. Since it wasn't out of my way, I agreed and I drove them to the destination........I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers and drive them somewhere, but since they gave me money, I figured I was an impromptu Uber. The drive took less than 5 minutes and when we arrived, some of their family, including one of their older kids came up and hugged them. I gave them the $10.00 back and told them that they needed it more than me, so they shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas and I told them the same. 

After that, I came home and jumped online and watched a few movies at home.   

Edited by Maxx55
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So....one last holiday update....

 

It's December 31st, about 20 minutes to midnight and ringing in 2020. I am really hoping for a better year in 2020....

 

So how did my Christmas go you ask? Well I saw a movie (Star Wars) and aided an out-town couple who were lost. Saturday I was supposed to go to my cousin's house and meet up with my extended family, only to be prevented by doing so due to the weather...it was causing people to spin out and the state's Dept. of Transportation issued a "no travel" advisory. If you are wondering....no....I didn't receive any presents this year.....not even coal...

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On 12/26/2019 at 12:06 AM, Maxx55 said:

The drive took less than 5 minutes and when we arrived, some of their family, including one of their older kids came up and hugged them. I gave them the $10.00 back and told them that they needed it more than me, so they shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas and I told them the same. 

Wow! In my opinion that's a lovely example of human kindness. How'd it feel to do that? You've said you've been feeling kind of meh recently.  

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11 hours ago, Atra said:

Wow! In my opinion that's a lovely example of human kindness. How'd it feel to do that? You've said you've been feeling kind of meh recently.  

It seemed that they were in a tougher spot than me, so it felt right to me. 

 

Call it fate, call it karma, call it a test from God, I don't know......I just think that sometimes whatever you put out, you get back....so I am hoping that one day, someone shows me the same kindness when I need it. 

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On 12/26/2019 at 2:06 AM, Maxx55 said:

...they handed me $10.00 to take them. Since it wasn't out of my way, I agreed and I drove them to the destination........I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers and drive them somewhere, but since they gave me money, I figured I was an impromptu Uber. The drive took less than 5 minutes and when we arrived, some of their family, including one of their older kids came up and hugged them. I gave them the $10.00 back and told them that they needed it more than me, so they shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas and I told them the same. 

 

I must say that was spectacular. These are the kinds of actions that truly make the world a better place to live. Bless you, my friend.

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