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cayllin

just having a bad time

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I just need to talk. I had a really bad year, probably the worst I remember having, where I was just so damn close to ending it all. I had it all planned out. And then things started looking up a little bit again, but now they're nosediving fast. I'm so tired of fighting. 20+ years....I just can't keep fighting. I'm so tired. People don't care. They all say come to us if you need help or if you see someone that needs help, reach out. I don't know how someone can look at me and not see someone in so much pain. I'm good at hiding it, but I don't think I'm that good. Especially now. 

I was triggered last night. I didn't want to be touched, and hubby did it anyway. Then he pushed me down on the bed and I felt so violated. I feel like he thinks he owns my body because we're married. No amount of telling him no, or that I don't like something, stops him. "But I'm your husband" is always his reply.  It doesn't even pay to talk to him about anything anymore. He never listens. It triggered me last night because an ex assaulted me. It just slammed into me...

I'm just sick of everything. How do you keep fighting when the pain just doesn't go away? Why even fight? I don't want to be here. I'm still here because I put other people before me...they'll hurt because I'm gone and I don't want them to hurt, so instead, I'm hurting so they don't. 

 

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I'm so sorry you're hurting, getting trauma triggered is like re-enacting it again and it's awful.

I appreciate that you opened up to us, showed your pain so that we might be sharers in your suffering and grief, dispense a little compassion that you deserve, and remind you of your worth. I hope that the people in your life will eventually see the pain you hide. And I hope that you'll reach out for help if you find yourself in another crisis. 

For now, I wish you a little relief from your pain and that you will find small, even tiny things in your daily life to appreciate. 

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On 12/12/2019 at 8:31 PM, cayllin said:

they'll hurt because I'm gone and I don't want them to hurt, so instead, I'm hurting so they don't. 

I think you just summarized exactly the thoughts so many of us have had here.  I wish I had some wisdom to help relieve your pain.  Please keep sharing as you're able.

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