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lp44

Not even sure what I need, just to be seen I guess

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It's been a while since I've been on the forum.....just trying to navigate life and all.

I'm not even sure what I'm needing right now even (not knowing how I feel or what I need....makes me feel ridiculous...makes me not want to reach out anywhere because I think wth who cant identify such things?)  Anyway, I guess after so much work on my life the last two years I can't believe I'm not in a better place rn...or "farther down the road in this process." 

Short version:  In the past two years.....well go back four years for the start of therapy for the first time(eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD)....then 28 months ago made the decision myself to check into a residential eating disorder treatment facility...that gave me the "free and quiet space" I needed in my life to come home and end my 22 year old marriage due to not being able to live with anger, narcissism and emotional abuse anymore.  He was a high profile person in our community, so I lost probably 95% of my friend base because....ya know I'm the crazy, selfish, evil person and all.  Too much to go into but he launched this huge campaign to make sure I was thrown under the bus.  But...I kept what matters honestly...a few loyal friends and my kids knew truth.  However, I cannot even begin to say how ugly it has been.  Hard to survive

As to the ed... wow what a battle that has been to come back from.  I had one for pretty much 30 years before seeking help....lots of work there....especially since I was not able to do a step down program after residential....then to go back to the firestorm that was my life...as in I'm the one that filed for divorce.   As things related to the ed get better at times, the depression and anxiety skyrocket.  Throw in there two moves and leaving a harmful job for a new one last spring....and my youngest going to college...and OMGosh its been a fight.  New job is better, but extremely intense and out of my comfort zone so I work non stop.

Many things are better...but  I would still classify myself as someone with an ed...anxiety is ridiculous...and again as I do better with food...depression is so hard.

I feel like I have fought so hard. Fallen. Gotten back up. Fallen again...fought more.  To be here still??  I'm so tired....so frustrated...and....things with my therapist  feel so stuck.  Shes amazing and I know its not uncommon...but I feel like wtf I worked this hard to be here?

Holidays are of course hard....I'm a teacher and out of my routine...which is always hard even if I need the break.  My kids are home from college...which is wonderful...but very stressful too...then I feel guilty for feeling stressed about it.

I need a reason to keep trying..I need resolve.  I just feel like this is good as it gets for me, and thats just not ok after all I have fought through.  Not cool at all.  I feel like I've fallen down and I'm just too tired to get back up and keep fighting.  Im so scary low.

Edited by lp44

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Great to see you back. Thanks for sharing. You sure have gotten through a lot. I admire your courage. I understand how frustrating it is to work so hard on yourself and feel like things should be better then this. I think sometimes the work that we do takes a while to be able to see good results. Also it's like a spiral staircase, you may feel you are stuck in a bad place yet the truth is that you have moved up a lot. It is just that you still have the same issues just at a different level. 

Hope you hang in there as I think it will pay off eventually. You have come so far already. 

BW

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2 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

Great to see you back. Thanks for sharing. You sure have gotten through a lot. I admire your courage. I understand how frustrating it is to work so hard on yourself and feel like things should be better then this. I think sometimes the work that we do takes a while to be able to see good results. Also it's like a spiral staircase, you may feel you are stuck in a bad place yet the truth is that you have moved up a lot. It is just that you still have the same issues just at a different level. 

Hope you hang in there as I think it will pay off eventually. You have come so far already. 

BW

Thank you :)

It's just hard to see where I started and how far I've come.  It's scary the all or nothing and f it mindset I can get in.  So much struggle for so long. Remaking your life comes at a high price.  Its cost me so much...yet I know I have gained parts of me back that have been gone for so very long.  At times I just think "has it all been worth it at all?"  

I'm so worn out.

Again...thanks so much for responding.  I appreciate it.

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