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Hello there, Hinnage here. I'm new.

I just really need to get this off my chest. I been having very bad depression phase since my ex broke with me. And last thing I did to her, was accusing her of pushing me to suicide. I wasn't myself completely when I did that. And it's only when after the damage is done, the fog in my mind becomes clear.

 

It always happens like this. The fog in my mind puts me in a trance and I only snapped back to reality once "it" made me do something really bad.

 

Help! I am really going crazy. My ex doesn't wants to speak to me anymore. Therapy been going well. But the panic attacks between sessions is really overwhelming.

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Can you communicate with your ex in writing? It may help to write him or her a letter saying that you are sorry for what you said and for hurting her. Maybe then sit on the letter for a few days, and read it again to see if you really want to send it. Honestly, just writing it may help you to feel better. 

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I did. I even send her a voice note, another apology. And the last thing she said to me was " I forgive you but I don't ever want to forget it. Go figure things out come back later"

And nothing from her since then. I don't want her to hate me. I just..my head is sick. And I'm trying the best I can to cope with my panic attacks. It's been going for hours. It's really really painful.

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I think for one blaming it on fog is not a good thing. You should take personal responsibility for your actions. Saying that to someone can also be triggering to the person you told it too. I think you should respect the fact that she does not want to talk to you because thats her right. Take this chance to just realize its a mistake and tell your therapist about how you told her that and do stuff like that in heat of the moments and maybe they can give you tips on how to improve the impulses and not say those things again. Constantly contacting her and trying to get a response from her that you like is not good. If you already apologise and she got the message but doesn't want anything else that's it. I thinks time now for both of you to heal separately. I wish you the best

Edited by June322

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Welcome Hinnage! Glad you both are talking some. Depression causes me to feel and think things that I usually don't if I'm not so depressed. So I understand what you mean. You may have done the best you could do at the time and you are taking responsibility so that is all you can do. Hope things continue to improve and that you keep coming back here, reading and posting.

BW

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Hi and welcome. 

I'm glad you're communicating again and I hope you're able to show yourself some compassion for the incident and also understanding for how she reacted. Holding someone responsible for suicidal thoughts/urges is not a way to protect a relationship, it sounds like you realized this and you can now treat it as a learning experience. 

I live with depression, I regret how I handled my relationships when I was struggling and I felt terrible for some of my actions. Some relationships I've been able to repair while others not. I learned from both outcomes that I needed help coping with my condition but asking for help is very difficult for me and so is accepting it - in whatever form it is being offered. 

I'm glad you found us and chose to share this with us - that couldn't have been easy to do. I think writing about it here, attempting to make a repair with your ex and your choice to go to therapy demonstrates a willingness to meet the challenges of coping with mental illness. These are reasons for hope. 

 

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Thank you all! I really appreciate the understanding and support!

I'm glad to find this community, it really soothes me to know that I am not alone in this struggle against mental illness.

I am taking responsibility for my actions during my depression phase. My ex forgave me but she also told me, that she is not comfortable talking until I finish all my therapy sessions. Reason being, she doesn't want something to happen again and we both feel shitty. I don't want anything bad like that to happen again either.

It makes me sad that she chose to do that but at the same time, I try to see from her point of view. I may not fully understand it, I realized that she is only human and she has a life on her own. It's not easy dealing with a depressed person. But there's hope. She is willing to talk again after my therapy is all done. A good thing to look forward to!

Thank you all for the support. 

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Hi Hinnage, It sounds like you are on the right track ... giving therapy your priority seems like a good move ... It can be hard when you suffer from depression to lose a relationship partner. You are getting help, which is great, but self improvement takes a long time and a lot of sustained introspection and courage; and it sounds like, unfortunately enough, this person has put up a boundary and is saying the relationship is over. Of course, you will have to accept that she is completely within her rights to postpone talking with you, and to make talking conditional upon your going through therapy. It does sound like this is very tough going for you, so do take care of yourself. Wishing you good health ! 

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