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samadhiSheol

Apollo 11 and other pipedreams

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I have mentioned this before, I believe.

One of my first memories was the Apollo 11 mission, Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, June 1969. To be honest, I probably didn't see it live nor really remember it at the time.  But my first long standing "what do you want to be when you grow up" - dream was to be an astronaut. To see the stars "up there", perhaps the rings of Saturn too and a galaxy or three á la Star Trek, cause surely we would be there by 2001!!

I would remember Aldrin or Armstrong moonwalking. The real deal not the Michael Jackson version. Haha. 

"I'll be doing that someday".

That was the thought I held onto until reality dashed my dreams into a million pieces when I was a teen. 

I realized I hadn't the clout either mentally or physically to ever be even considered on a future moon mission or whatever. Then there was the school bullying too, which pretty much crushed any little self esteem or confidence I still had left in me.

Later on, fast forward 10 years or so more I realized I wouldn't even get a college degree in physics or math. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. I couldn't get my head around anything. I am that stupid. If for nothing else then dreaming. 

Then there was the disillusionment of the 80's and 90's when I realized humanity wasn't interested in actually making a future. It was obsessed with making money, keeping hold of it and in effect creating a new dark age of fossil fuels and disinformation, which has continued to this day. I also realized the whole "race to space" thing  of the 1960's was fueled by cold war politics and striving to being the top dog in world politics.

Humanity didn't actually have the clout to go "up there", so to speak, in the first place. It was like the giant pyramids of Giza of 4000 years ago.

At the end of the day the pyramids  were a colossal waste of human life for the glorification of men who thought themselves gods. Ingenious to be sure, but totally pointless in the sense that the culture itself wasn't really up to the job. 

Neither did we really have the resources or the true technology to actually make going into space really worth the effort. All we proved was "yeah we were there". But to date we are still here, on earth making a mess of everything, suffering from overpopulation, poverty, discrimination, using up natural resources and and being so complacent it's not funny at all.

God I hate us. 

 

Nowadays I see no future for myself either.

I don't want to live in this world. I have no idea how it could even change to anything resembling good. 

I will  never do what I dreamed for the simple reason I don't have dreams anymore. Nothing in life is worth the effort. I have lived for over 50 years and as far as dreams are concerned, it would have been better if I had died when Apollo 11 was over.

My life really ended then.

Dreams don't really exist. Not for the likes of me.

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@samadhiSheol I had the astronaut dream too. I'm so old that I remember the "space walks" of the mid-1960s, before the Apollo missions.

My brother and I built models of rockets and space capsules, along with airplanes when we were young. I knew that I would somehow be "in the air' when I became an adult, either as an astronaut or pilot.

Well! My dreams got dashed too. I was born with sh!tty lungs because of a genetic defect. No flying for me!

And like you, when I went to college, I quickly found out that I was far too stupid to succeed in the physics program.

I just turned 60. I've known for a long time that I'm nothing but a net drain on the universe, using up resources that could be better utilized elsewhere.

P.S. My brother actually own his own private plane. He and his wife are both pilots. Just one more thing to make me realize what a loser I am.

 

 

 

Edited by JD4010

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Well, I never even made it to college. Too stoopid .

so refigure your dream they say. Done that a thousand times, but I obviously don’t want anything enough if at all. 

I don’t know how to dream or what to dream of. Or perhaps I am just too stupid for that  too.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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6 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Well, I never even made it to college. Too stoopid .

so refigure your dream they say. Done that a thousand times, but I obviously don’t want anything enough if at all. 

I don’t know how to dream or what to dream of. Or perhaps I am just too stupid for that  too.

Took me seven years to get through as an undergrad. I barely made it. I even got expelled one semester for shitty grades.

I thought I was smart when I was in high school. Turns out I was full of myself. In reality, I'm the village id iot.

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I don’t know why I even bother posting anymore. 
 

It gets me nowhere. Why does it help? How does it help? It doesn’t help me. What’s the point of this pointless rinse and repeat routine? On df and in life too. Nothing changes whatever I say or do. 
 

Nothing ever does.

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5 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

I don’t know why I even bother posting anymore. 
 

It gets me nowhere. Why does it help? How does it help? It doesn’t help me. What’s the point of this pointless rinse and repeat routine? On df and in life too. Nothing changes whatever I say or do. 
 

Nothing ever does.

Sorry. I tend to riff off of what you post and then turn it around into an exposition of my own issues. 

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I had the dream of going to other planets.  If a flying saucer landed in the yard I would seriously board it.  Why not?  I had the traveling through time dream as well.  My favorite show by far is Quantum Leap.  I would love to be like Sam.  Me I was smart in school but at about 15 I started drinking and doing drugs and that brought out my mental health issues.  I was kicked out of school in 11th grade and got my diploma in a group home.  I made it to college but I was way too sick to make it through it.  At 40 who am I probably the real life Peter Griffin from Family Guy the black sheep idiot of the family.

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36 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I had the dream of going to other planets.  If a flying saucer landed in the yard I would seriously board it.  Why not?  I had the traveling through time dream as well.  My favorite show by far is Quantum Leap.  I would love to be like Sam.  Me I was smart in school but at about 15 I started drinking and doing drugs and that brought out my mental health issues.  I was kicked out of school in 11th grade and got my diploma in a group home.  I made it to college but I was way too sick to make it through it.  At 40 who am I probably the real life Peter Griffin from Family Guy the black sheep idiot of the family.

I read sci-fi voraciously as a kid. My mom was also a fan so she had many "classic" sci-fi books and stories in her library. I'd read the stuff while I was supposed to be working on the tractor or up in the hay loft of the barn. I actually thought I could become something at that age.  

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When I was young I got lost in video games and exercise.  I honestly didn't read much but I've wanted to build a time machine ever since I saw Back to the Future.  I've always wanted to travel to a different time or go to a different planet because I hate life.  I don't like any of it and I'm not good at any of it.  I always got the wild idea that I would fit in better somewhere else or in a different time but the truth is I don't even fit in with my own family.  There is no place or time for me.

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23 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

I don’t know why I even bother posting anymore. 
 

It gets me nowhere. Why does it help? How does it help? It doesn’t help me.

One thing it does is to connect with others who feel the same way and believe they are all alone in those feelings!  I never had a dream to follow -- did not get the point.  After all, people like me do not achieve these grand and glorious things.  Ha!  I even got the college degree in computers.  Big deal!  Fat lotta good it did me.

I do not believe for one second that any of you are stupid.  Take it from Albert Einstein who said, "Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."  Some of us just never found where we fit in ... we are round pegs trying to fit in society's square holes. 

Lots of people on this site (you included, samadhiSheol) are so supportive, kind, and insightful.  My question is, "Why can we find each other and care about each other here, but the 'real world' seems cold, sterile, and self-absorbed?"  Something definitely wrong with this picture.

BTW -- Thank you to everyone who contributes to the supportive feeling on this site -- even to those who are too shy or afraid to post/respond.  Wish I could explain how much this means to me, especially on days when not much else helps.

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Thanks for you kind words, @jkd_sd.

Though my point,  if there is any point in anything I do or say,  was I have never understood how it's supposed to help, knowing there are others out there who are experiencing the same. It sure as hell doesn't help me. In fact it has always made me feel worse. All I do is repeat the same old because there is nothing else to say. And I am fed up. With life. With myself. With everything.

I don't truly connect with anyone. Not even on df. 

At the end of the day people are just..I don't know what they are. Neither do I know who or what I am. Other than a loser and failure.

Unto myself I am. Couldn't care less about the joneses.

 

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It is very hard.  We are all trying to find a place to fit in in the world but I don't want anyone to be like me.  I've always wanted children but I didn't because I was afraid they would be like me.  Knowing people might be as bad as me has the feeling of being in an airplane that's going to crash and the people around me are on the plane with me.  I feel like we're all screwed completely and it's the last thing I want for anyone here.

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3 hours ago, Epictetus said:

Wish I knew what to say.   :tear2:

Me too. I feel like I'm serving out some kind of sentence in this life for a past wrong. Having you guys around makes it more bearable. I've said it before, but if not for the camaraderie here at DF, I'd have snuffed it already.

Edited by JD4010

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6 hours ago, samadhiSheol said:

Thanks for you kind words, @jkd_sd.

Though my point,  if there is any point in anything I do or say,  was I have never understood how it's supposed to help, knowing there are others out there who are experiencing the same. It sure as hell doesn't help me. In fact it has always made me feel worse. All I do is repeat the same old because there is nothing else to say. And I am fed up. With life. With myself. With everything.

Maybe it doesn’t help you but it helps others. Maybe you don’t care about helping others but maybe that’s just it, maybe your purpose in life is to help others without realising it and that’s enough for the world, the world doesn’t need you to care as long as the purpose is met.

Have you tried writing a book of your thoughts? Mark Manson wrote a book called “Everything is F*cked”. And I have to thank you cos your words actually drove me to buy that book XD If you ever read it, you can share your thoughts. 

Edited by Depressedgurl007

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7 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

Maybe it doesn’t help you but it helps others. Maybe you don’t care about helping others but maybe that’s just it, maybe your purpose in life is to help others without realising it and that’s enough for the world, the world doesn’t need you to care as long as the purpose is met.

Have you tried writing a book of your thoughts? Mark Manson wrote a book called “Everything is F*cked”. And I have to thank you cos your words actually drove me to buy that book XD If you ever read it, you can share your thoughts. 

Everything has been said. No point in me ranting in public.

So yeah, maybe I am self-centred. maybe I am selfish. BUt I don't really know if what I do helps anyone. I only have your word for it.

And if the world doesn't care then f uck the world. I don't care either.

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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7 hours ago, Depressedgurl007 said:

 

 Mark Manson wrote a book called “Everything is F*cked”. And I have to thank you cos your words actually drove me to buy that book XD If you ever read it, you can share your thoughts. 

I have always had a problem with self help advice, indeed with therapy too.

There appears to be a belief(this is how I see it anyhow), that all human share the same basic values. That somehow, deep down we are all some how altruistic, optimists, that life has intrinsic value, whatever.. And all we have to do is dig it out somehow.

I question everything. I question the concept of values, humanity, life everything. And to date, all I see is emptiness and pointlessness. I don't see the world as others see it and deep down if there even is a "deep down", no one else sees anything in the same way either in relation to anyone else.

I believe all "men "really are islands. All we do is desperately hang on to the illusion of connectedness.

Loneliness is our de facto state, not connectedness.

Edited by samadhiSheol

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If going through depression and anxiety has taught me anything, it is that everyone is entitled to their own feelings.  Feelings cannot be wrong -- they are what they are.

As far as caring about the Joneses, the heck with them.  I have enough trouble taking care of myself without trying to measure up to someone else.

Peace to all.

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5 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

I had a few dreams dashed.  At least I had the courage to try.  I took the long way through college.  Bounced around a bit after.  Struggle at my job but I try as I have a few ****ers to prove wrong. 

I have never had anything to prove to anyone.

It's not that I have been treated badly. Life just isn't worth the effort. I believe I have finally snapped today and all there is now is to just  f uck out of this pointless existence.

My current job broke this machine and there is no fixing it anymore.

Goodbye.

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On 11/21/2019 at 5:24 PM, samadhiSheol said:

I have never had anything to prove to anyone.

It's not that I have been treated badly. Life just isn't worth the effort. I believe I have finally snapped today and all there is now is to just  f uck out of this pointless existence.

My current job broke this machine and there is no fixing it anymore.

Goodbye.

I wish it’s that easy to get ourselves out of this pointless existence. Here I still am looking at my cat and wishing I was born a cat. I think a cat has more point to existing than myself. But even better, a cat doesn’t have such a complex brain to think about abstract matters and ponder and worry about its own existence.

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Sure I wish I was born a cat.  A cat probably has no idea it's going to die at some point.  People on the other hand know they are going to die and our entire lives we are constantly pressured into doing these "normal" things we are all supposed to do that nobody even really likes to do before we die.  We're hardly ever just able to live our lives the way we want to.  We have to do this we have to do that according to others.  It's a life in prison.

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