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TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 4


Natasha1

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18 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Do you find your therapy helpful for the most part? 

Hi Nightjar!  Now that I have found the right therapist (over 20 yrs & 3 prior therapists) & 4 yrs with her, I can say I see how I have changed the way i deal with depression, rather than treat it as hiding the crazy auntie in the attic, I let family know what is happening. If I need to have a day or 2 without contact, I take it.  I have stopped being the "yes" person to every request made. I chose what I want to do.  There for a while, I began to isolate myself because of the increase of anxiety (psych doc & I lowered dose of one med) & luckily my niece noticed the change & began calling me to go out to lunch, thrift shops & fabric stores. When she moved away, I stopped going out to lunch but still take a day a week to hit the fabric shops & thrift shops followed by a message of look what I found.

During my last visit with the therapist & after I spent 30 minutes talking about the weeks of dramas since the last visit, she commented about how far I had come from the first visit & how I successfully dealt with the dramas without losing myself to overthinking what I could do to make everything better for everyone involved.

I feel that I have come a long way, but I also know that I may have won this battle but in life there are more to come.  I have accepted that I will never be totally free of depression/anxiety & will be on depression meds for the rest of my life. In the past when I began feeling better, I would stop the meds & repeat the history of my depression. I can't do that now because I know what will happen & I kinda like who I am, warts & all. I found a therapist who uses the cognitive behavior therapy & has taught me things/exercises I can use to deal with my problems. If she sees something that  she believes is not in my best interest, she will flat out tell me. With the past ones, I always felt defeated worse when I left. 

Sorry this post is soo long, but I really want people to know not to lose hope, there is a therapist for everyone & sometimes it takes years to find the right one & the right combination of meds & doctor to prescribe them. I'm not making myself the poster child of curing depression/anxiety. Yeah I have come a long way & I still have a ways to go. And finally, I do see the light at the top of that dark hole & I am getting closer to the top. if you haven't found the right therapist keep looking. And don't be afraid to say no. Don't give up! Use the support you find here (a BIG thank you to all of you that gave me support when I was in the dark!), Many days I came here so far down, I read what others wrote, not posting or clocking the like button just reading. I found strength & hope in what you wrote & it helped me to make it through the night. 

And I am sorry this is a long post. Be strong & brave & I may never meet you IRL but know that I love & respect each of you. 💖

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since retiring from work because i just couldn't do the stress anymore and because i could, and suddenly and quickly selling the house and moving 2 hrs away to the beach and forcing my daughter to scramble and find alternate housing which by the way she bought her 1st house, she now avoids talking to me,  it's been 3 weeks and won't let me see her house, i am really feeling like i am all alone on a desolate island and it's all my fault for thinking about what's good for me,  if i could do it all over again i guess i'd just keep working and stressing  and doing everything for everybody else and let it go until i dropped dead from the heart and breathing issues, that way they'd get the insurance money and be happily ever after.

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8 hours ago, surfcaster said:

since retiring from work because i just couldn't do the stress anymore and because i could, and suddenly and quickly selling the house and moving 2 hrs away to the beach and forcing my daughter to scramble and find alternate housing which by the way she bought her 1st house, she now avoids talking to me,  it's been 3 weeks and won't let me see her house, i am really feeling like i am all alone on a desolate island and it's all my fault for thinking about what's good for me,  if i could do it all over again i guess i'd just keep working and stressing  and doing everything for everybody else and let it go until i dropped dead from the heart and breathing issues, that way they'd get the insurance money and be happily ever after.

It's always an upheaval to move and almost always stressful. It really takes time for the positives to shine through in a new situation. I'm sure your daughter will come round.....She's adjusting to the new situation in her own time.

It sounds to me like retiring was a chance for you to really focus on yourself.... But even this is an adjustment and will take a bit of time/work. Change isn't easy is it? 

Wishing you the best of luck in dealing with your changes 🍀NJ

Edited by Nightjar
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people ask how you are doing and say is there anything i can do for you but they only say it because they feel that is what they are supposed to say,  the real truth is they do not want to do anything or want to hear how you are really feeling, and when you  reply with the generic I'm fine which is what they are hoping to hear, you get labeled as someone who won't help themselves by accepting help, we all know if you opened up and accepted their offer they'd find a way to squirm out of it leaving you to deal with it alone anyway, all they want is for you to deny their offer so they can feel good about themselves without having to lift a finger. this is my problem I'll deal with it, don't make your shallow offers.

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3 hours ago, surfcaster said:

people ask how you are doing and say is there anything i can do for you but they only say it because they feel that is what they are supposed to say,  the real truth is they do not want to do anything or want to hear how you are really feeling, and when you  reply with the generic I'm fine which is what they are hoping to hear, you get labeled as someone who won't help themselves by accepting help, we all know if you opened up and accepted their offer they'd find a way to squirm out of it leaving you to deal with it alone anyway, all they want is for you to deny their offer so they can feel good about themselves without having to lift a finger. this is my problem I'll deal with it, don't make your shallow offers.

You're right.  This is pretty much everyone.  It's why I hide here and live in my own world most of the time.  I'm done with people.

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Mom and I going the photo book of my life.She knew I was never like my twin brother growing up in life.Knew he was one of the masculine males and I was feminine.He was there too and said I will always be his twin sister in his life.Mom said I look better in a dress and heels and my brother agreed 100% with her.

Edited by HollyMG
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9 hours ago, watalife said:

Wondering why salesmen move there hands around so much. Its so annoying and cheesy.🤷🙅🙋

I don't think anyone wants that anymore the bully that pressures them into buying things.  The highest rated businesses around here are run by people that are just good friendly people that you believe honestly care about you that have a friendly environment in their businesses.  They don't pressure you or intimidate you like the one you describe and it works.

Edited by sober4life
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Dad's side of the family for support.They always have been there for me and never mistreated me at all.Both aunts knew something was way different with me.One was me going into their closet trying their heels on.Good thing is they knew I did not deserve the abuse he put me through.They stopped talking to him and learned he passed when I was 20 years old.

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3 hours ago, Nightjar said:

Why can't I just get up and walk out of the door. No fair I have to do all of this stuff to be 'allowed' into society 😒

I play characters I guess.  When I want to be a part of things I get all cleaned up and dressed up.  When I want people to leave me alone I go out with old clothes and I'm dirty with uncombed hair.

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Just now, sober4life said:

It's strange but the robins have come back.  They absolutely left weeks ago and now they came back.

New migration protocols in line with the pandemic.  They can no longer just fly back and forth across the country, year after year, without testing. 

Bulgakov

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1 precription sleep pill, 3 xanax, 2 benadryl, and several hours later and I'm still wide awake. I haven't slept a wink last night, and I know I'll finally fall asleep at the most inopportune time--like when I'm supposed to walk the dog. 

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I'm not giving away all of my stuff to people for Christmas gifts. I never ask for anyone to buy me anything but I usually get 2 gifts always. Why do people insist on giving gifts when you don't want one from them. I feel like I'm being forced to buy them something. Off to the dollar store I go. 🤶🙉

Edited by watalife
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  • 3 months later...

I miss smoking. It was nice to have that little tin and papers in my hand to make myself a rollie.... I never felt uncomfortable in a situation and if I did I just went out for a smoke.. Lol. 

Up till my mid thirties I would shower daily, religiously 🤔 But when I had a house and people in it to take care of I started skipping a couple of days inbetween showers 😬 I've gotten out of the habit of daily showers now and it would take some work to get that back 🤔

My mid thirties were when I started gaining weight too. I don't like being overweight. I'm not huge..Probably average for my age, though I really wish I could get my diet healthier and weight lower 🤔

My favourite thing to do is probably drinking soda 🤣 I love drinking.... Tea, soda, hot chocolate etc more than I love eating. I drink soda everyday but limit myself to two cans 🤔

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What do I miss from the past?  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I miss being able to feel content doing something as simple as playing with toys on the floor or swinging on the swing or playing tag.  I used to enjoy climbing trees.  Why does that just one day go away?  I know I didn't grow up as they say that's for sure!🤨

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We lose our ability to live in the moment and our worries take over. It is possible to get that back. Meditation can help 🤔 and Eckhart Tolle can tell you how, a lot better than I can coz he's done it. He's gone back to that place and lives in peace ✌️

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Getting anxiety attack right now because i cant sleep, last time it was over a week without sleeping and it put me way over the edge and i really haven't come off the ledge yet

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