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TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 4


Natasha1

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20 hours ago, sober4life said:

I was a cashier at a supermarket.  It's a nightmare.  You hear that sound so much from ringing up things with the machine that that sound never really goes away in your head.  You're lying awake in bed after a shift trying to get some sleep still hearing that dinging in your head.

My brother worked at Tower Records years ago and said the same thing.      

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Wash washing clothes at a laundromat today and had myself a mini meltdown. After a walk I returned and thought all my clothes had been stolen out of the washer. It was on spin cycle, so the door was locked and through the glass it looked to me as if it were empty.

I went up the emotional wave so quickly and the distress came on so fast I couldn't think straight. When the machine stopped, I saw my clothes were in fact there. I was surprised how I jumped to conclusions and catastrophized instead of waiting to check the facts. 

I discussed this in support group tonight. Now it occurs to me that my intense reaction might've been because I believed I was a victim of a crime. I had many traumatic experiences with crime while growing up. Maybe I re-create a traumatic memory and triggered myself. I dunno. 

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1 hour ago, watalife said:

Paying for phone service that doesn't work. I'm going to try out a different service and if that doesn't work im going back to a home phone. Cell are the plague anyway.

I miss having a cheap home phone.  There was no way to leave a message so I could always say I guess I missed your call.  I never had to answer calls.  Now people know you always have a phone with you so you feel you have to answer everyone!  It's a nightmare!

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I just realized today I had a pear tree for 3 years in my yard and didn't realize it.  I could see the tree from my back window and didn't know I had it for 3 years!  Anyway the ants realized it and the ants ate up the tree so now I have a dead pear tree on the burn pile.

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On 6/2/2020 at 6:54 AM, anon22ae said:

I went outside and almost got arrested because of a police curfew announced last minute! And that was the good part of the day.

Welcome to the "new normal." I'm so sick of that phrase. We seem to be so malleable that we let the gubmint tell us when we can and cannot be outside on public property, and even what we wear on our faces.

The "old normal" certainly had its sucky points, but this "new normal" is a lot closer to hell for my tastes.

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58 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I just realized today I had a pear tree for 3 years in my yard and didn't realize it.  I could see the tree from my back window and didn't know I had it for 3 years!  Anyway the ants realized it and the ants ate up the tree so now I have a dead pear tree on the burn pile.

That's sad. Would there have been a way to keep the ants away? What kind of ants do this? I had a deck on the old house that got destroyed by carpenter ants. Those things are gross.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

That's sad. Would there have been a way to keep the ants away? What kind of ants do this? I had a deck on the old house that got destroyed by carpenter ants. Those things are gross.

Well not when I'm manic.  I don't even give myself time to think during those times.  The tree was covered in ants and the leaves were dead so goodbye tree.  

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Yesterday, I typed a letter and sent it to my primary care provider, letting him know he was fired and why.  I waited a day after composing it to think about it, stopped just before dropping it in the mail box and thought about it again. 

My NP made a referral for specialty service within minutes after I told him that I'd already made the visit to the place he was now referring to, and wasn't interested in what they offered.   He also implied I'd never been there, though I said otherwise.  I won't include the letter, just a last paragraph.  This is one of the divides in our culture that people are angry about.  Sometimes you have to fire them.  I quote first the end of a voicemail he left, letting me know he'd made the referral anyway after I left. 

"They said they don't have a record for you coming up there, so at least go up and listen to them and see what they have to say," his voicemail ended.

My letter ended:

"As I've mentioned a lot, I have already been there," I said simply in the letter. " I realize you want to feel like your proactive, but if satisfying your professionalism means I'll need to repeat the process of driving three hours each way, to another introductory spiel by a dr/marketer in Lake Havasu about a treatment I have declined with reason, then I guess I'm not compliant.

You didn't hear much of what I said, and what you did hear you found unconvincing.   I appreciate you acted in what you thought were  my interests. Which is why I've sent this letter instead of an official email complaint through the patient portal."

F*****s. (This wasn't in the letter, just a final thought.)

Bulgakov

 

Edited by Bulgakov
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On 6/11/2020 at 8:17 AM, JD4010 said:

Welcome to the "new normal." I'm so sick of that phrase. We seem to be so malleable that we let the gubmint tell us when we can and cannot be outside on public property, and even what we wear on our faces.

The "old normal" certainly had its sucky points, but this "new normal" is a lot closer to hell for my tastes.

I'll take the old normal, too. Seemed as though there was hope back then. Both the outside situation and personal conditions conspire to make things look hopelessly bleak, it seems.

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1 hour ago, Bulgakov said:

Yesterday, I typed a letter and sent it to my primary care provider, letting him know he was fired and why.  I waited a day after composing it to think about it, stopped just before dropping it in the mail box and thought about it again. 

My NP made a referral for specialty service within minutes after I told him that I'd already made the visit to the place he was now referring to, and wasn't interested in what they offered.   He also implied I'd never been there, though I said otherwise.  I won't include the letter, just a last paragraph.  This is one of the divides in our culture that people are angry about.  Sometimes you have to fire them.  I quote first the end of a voicemail he left, letting me know he'd made the referral anyway after I left. 

"They said they don't have a record for you coming up there, so at least go up and listen to them and see what they have to say," his voicemail ended.

My letter ended:

"As I've mentioned a lot, I have already been there," I said simply in the letter. " I realize you want to feel like your proactive, but if satisfying your professionalism means I'll need to repeat the process of driving three hours each way, to another introductory spiel by a dr/marketer in Lake Havasu about a treatment I have declined with reason, then I guess I'm not compliant.

You didn't hear much of what I said, and what you did hear you found unconvincing.   I appreciate you acted in what you thought were  my interests. Which is why I've sent this letter instead of an official email complaint through the patient portal."

F*****s. (This wasn't in the letter, just a final thought.)

Bulgakov

 

The process is supposed to be about us but it isn't really.  They come up with a plan using us to get as rich as possible.  What we want isn't really even considered.  They make a full plan that they believe we must stick to whether we like any of it or not.  The day I figured out I was expected to be complaint with whatever plan they come up with for me whether I like any of it or not I was done.  Most primary care providers have become middlemen that shouldn't even be needed.  

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On 6/11/2020 at 10:17 AM, JD4010 said:

Welcome to the "new normal." I'm so sick of that phrase.

Have you noticed some of the celebrities, etc. use that phrase as though they are talking about this year's clothing fashions vs. last year's?   "Oh, thank you for noticing, dahling.  This is my 'new normal'. Let's see yours."  Do they even think about the fact this 'new normal' means people dead and suffering all over the world?  It is amazing to me that more people have not become crippled by depression with everything that has happened and continues to happen.   OK, venting session is over.  🙄

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13 minutes ago, jkd_sd said:

Have you noticed some of the celebrities, etc. use that phrase as though they are talking about this year's clothing fashions vs. last year's?   "Oh, thank you for noticing, dahling.  This is my 'new normal'. Let's see yours."  Do they even think about the fact this 'new normal' means people dead and suffering all over the world?  It is amazing to me that more people have not become crippled by depression with everything that has happened and continues to happen.   OK, venting session is over.  🙄

The celebrities haven't had to go through hell like us.  Most of them have been on vacation for months.  They pretend to be going through what we're going through long enough to make a video and then it's back to partying at their mansions and yachts.  They don't care about anything but their lifestyles.

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Really tough afternoon. I was facilitating a support group, things got way out of hand when a member lost control. There was jumping to conclusions, taking something said personally, naked hostility, accusations, defensiveness, rage-quit and plenty of hurt. A sign of our times, for sure. 

In my role as moderator, I'm very unhappy with how I handled the episode and spent much of the evening doing a lot of "shoulding" even though I know that ain't helpful. I'm pleased with how I handled things afterwards. I spent hours listening to the person who was most hurt, I asked for help and guidance from a colleague, I worked towards acceptance. In service of that last bit, I'll write out my feelings to let them inform me instead of overwhelm...

SAD: disappointed, ashamed, guilty, inferior, remorseful

ANGRY: humiliated, let down, frustrated, disrespected, provoked, infuriated

DISGUST: apalled, embarrassed, judgmental, foolish

SURPRISE: shocked, startled, disillusioned

BAD: pressured, out of control 

FEARFUL: Insecure, weak, exposed 

HAPPY: proud, respected, valued, effective, wise, connected 

How did writing this out make me feel? I guess kinda surprised at the conflicting feelings, like respected/disrespected, proud/ashamed, foolish/wise.

That surprise reveals a mistaken belief that it's impossible (or that I'm somehow unable) to hold two opposite feelings at the same time. Now I'm realizing that if I judge this "emotional untidiness" to be intolerable, it will cause me even more suffering. Why?

Hmm. Well, I dont wanna feel uncertain about whether I suck or I'm awesome -- either will do but not both. Maybe I'm anxious about my uncertainty whether you/they suck any more or less as a person than I do? Where exactly am I on the suckage-awesomesauce spectrum, after today's failure?

Depression would have me retreat into negative self images, establish familiar and comfortable and confining limitations for myself. Nah. A few peers I trust confided in me that they had no idea how they could've handled the situation any better. So hey, a chance to learn -- if I can avoid making it only about me and my ego. 

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A baby bird fell out of it's nest onto the grass right where I was about to mow.  It was able to make it to safety under the pine tree but it's too young to take care of itself.  I hope the mother still takes care of it.  I know I can't touch it or the mother will smell me on it and abandon it.  I'll keep an eye on it and maybe put it in the nest with the other 2 baby birds.  I'm not sure what to do.  They're the same type of birds so maybe the bird won't notice a third bird in the nest.  Maybe she will take care of it.

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