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Something happened in class

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My depression has been worse than usual lately since I changed meds to duloxetine. Just a warning I’m going to be using some pretty explicit language so this is your warning to click away if that stuff bothers you like it does to me.

So I’ve been friends with this girl for a little bit. She’s sweet and attractive and emotionally mature and I think you could say I have a crush on her. On the day that this happened my depression had already been acting up but this was just the nail on the coffin. We were all making d**k jokes like any normal group of teenagers when suddenly the conversation turned toward actual sexual experiences. My friend started describing one time that she had sex with someone with a penis so large that she was in pain for the next few days. (Sorry for the language I just really want to be honest about the situation) Immediatey after she said that my head felt heavier, I felt like I was gonna throw up and die. I texted my friend about How I was feeling it and he said I should go to the nurse. I told my teacher I was getting picked up early and skipped the rest of class because If I had stayed there any longer I was afraid the other people around me would have noticed. I don’t know what if it was a panic attack or what but I’m still really scared about it.

i really don’t want to be one of those guys that judges women for their sexual relationships but it caused such a visceral reaction within me. That sort of feeing happens whenever someone my age talks about sex but I think it was amplified because It was with a girl that I was actively interested in. I mean, I’m still interested in her, she’s still awesome and it’s not like having sex changes anything about her. I don’t know, man. Ive been feeling like garbage ever since and I just broke down and cried again so I figured I would post on here to see anyone’s opinions.

so whenever I hang out with my friend Sam my parents always nag me about getting a job. It makes me feel like absolute garbage because I feel inadequate, I don’t think I’m ready for a job especially if I’m going to be in a depressive state like this. Anyways usually Sam agrees with them and they all tell me I should get a job whenever I say I want anything and it just makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear. I think he’s mad at me because I asked if he could leave my house earlier than he expected today, but I seriously couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was gonna explode and I still do. It’s 1:30 am as I’m writing this and I’m too upset to sleep. I don’t know, I just feel like crap.

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