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the most depressed I've ever been


hendricksbrock

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When it comes to writing about things like this I never know if I should start by apologizing or by asking for help. Usually I resolve and do neither, because I've done both before and they've gotten me nowhere. But I always end up right back here. I don't know what do anymore. I am very sad. I hate myself so much, you know? Like I hate every fiber of my being. It's so hard for me to carry on a normal conversation without shutting myself up because I hate how disgusting I sound. Not my voice, or anything. Just the content of what I say. I sound like a selfish coward. I sound like a jerk, or a loser, or whatever. I can't imagine how I sound to others.

In one way or another, I think I've asked everyone in my life for help. I don't know if people are descentized or something, but no one seems to care. I'm just annoying them. One thing keeps coming after another, hitting me like a truck. After each blow I start to forget what side of the street I was walking on. People ask the surface level questions but never respond to the content of my answers.

"How's your mom? Oh, she's in the hospital? That's too bad. Have a good day!"

"How was class? Oh, you overslept cause you took a xanax? Lol you're too wild! Cya later." 

"Wanna get lunch? Not hungry? Ugh! You're never "hungry." Whatever, bye." 

 I come back to my room and think about why I keep doing it, you know? I annoy my own family. I don't have any friends. I hate myself. I hate my job. I can't eat, I tried to talk to my sister about it but she just makes shitty comments about me not eating in front of our family. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me how skinny or unwell I look but never bothers to ask me why. Don't say anything, then. Why point out the obvious if you don't plan on helping? It's a painful reminder of how many people don't care.  I told my sister hoping she could help me, not berate me. I wish she could see that me telling her about something so private was a last resort. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like there's no hope. It's like I've been buried alive and can't tell if I'm digging up or down. I've asked, no, SCREAMED for help again, and again, and again. But nobody cares. Why should I? 

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24 minutes ago, hendricksbrock said:

Nobody cares. Why should I? 

You’re here because you care about yourself. You don’t need anybody else to give you a reason to do that. Sadly, I’ve learned that most people out there either can’t or won’t understand, either can’t or won’t help. That just seems to be people’s nature.

I want to respond in greater detail, but I really do have to crash for the night. I’ll be back tomorrow to offer a couple more thoughts. Hang in there.

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@hendricksbrock   Is it because nobody really care about you in real life. That answers are just the sake of anwering or maybe you were trying to make yourself happy by answering that way. Or maybe because nobody care about you, you dont know how to answer to people in real life.

I relate it that way because nobody care about me (family)., so why bother. I don't know how to answer or to say to many things in real life.  I remember, in school, my schoolmate  said "Dont say that" after I said something to someone who was sad. This situations happened to me couple of times. I was actually trying to support or to comfort the person.

 

Edited by Camellia
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I know very well how you feel my friend. For so long when someone asked me how I'm doing, if they are close friends, I now hesitantly tell them about my severe depression but I'm tired of talking about it because I feel like they are tired of hearing it. I tried to talk to my sister about how depressed I've been but she cuts me off and ends up arguing with me that I'm not trying hard enough. I've been suffering with this severe depression since I was 12 and now I am 51 and I have been through about 11 treatment centers over the years and I too am at a point where I have lost hope and have absolutely no idea what to do. I was put on yet another new medication today so maybe that will help. As far as you asking for help perhaps you're not asking the right people. If you are not in therapy or on meds consider that and perhaps go for an inpatient stay at a treatment center where they are there to help. You're in my prayers my friend and I hope both of us can have some joy soon

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3 hours ago, quentin360 said:

I know very well how you feel my friend. For so long when someone asked me how I'm doing, if they are close friends, I now hesitantly tell them about my severe depression but I'm tired of talking about it because I feel like they are tired of hearing it. I tried to talk to my sister about how depressed I've been but she cuts me off and ends up arguing with me that I'm not trying hard enough. I've been suffering with this severe depression since I was 12 and now I am 51 and I have been through about 11 treatment centers over the years and I too am at a point where I have lost hope and have absolutely no idea what to do. I was put on yet another new medication today so maybe that will help. As far as you asking for help perhaps you're not asking the right people. If you are not in therapy or on meds consider that and perhaps go for an inpatient stay at a treatment center where they are there to help. You're in my prayers my friend and I hope both of us can have some joy soon

Quentin, I've been severely depressed for 11 years and then I found out that my meds contibuted to my depression (mainly clonazepam or klonopin). I don't say that everyone should quit their medication because of my experience but meds sometimes do more harm than good. Well now I'm depressed because of withdrawal but also because I lost so many years of life because of my own...how to say it...my own stupidity. Ok, I'm praying for you, may God who is good and kind bless you with joy, love and peace and money:)

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Mikala, since I was 12 I've been on just about every antidepressant that you can think of and I absolutely agree sometimes certain ones to make the depression worse. Last month they put me on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer and it did not agree with me, it made me so much more depressed and made me feel like I was in another world if you know what I mean. But I got off of it and now I am on Depakote, just to the second one. So I am on Trintilex, Rexulti and Depakote. Sometimes I just want to go cold turkey on all of them but I fear I will become a basket case. Now what I think is the biggest problem is that I've been taking Adderall for over 10 years now and I'm almost positive that it doesn't mix well with the antidepressants so I'm working on getting off of the Adderall which is almost impossible as I am addicted. Anyway thanks for your prayers I certainly need them and I will pray for you as well my friend

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