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I just need to take a break from work at this point & give the mind a rest.  Do some mindless writing.  Not gonna pay much attention to how well or poorly this is written.  Not the point.  I just need to ramble for a while.  Stream of consciousness thing.  Not looking for any particular feedback or responses.  Just didn't want to clutter up an other portion of the site with this tripe. 

Today's been a really good day overall.  Have had a good day at work, got here on time again despite having slept for only about 4 hours last night.  That was torturous.  Hopefully tonight will be better.  I've only had one big cup of coffee today so my caffeine intake has been very low overall.  I'm certainly feeling drained right now.  Less that an hour and a half to go before I leave for the day.  Can't wait to get out of here & watch some tv before trying to get to bed early tonight.  I've been pretty damned good at being disciplined and diligent at work.  I've not spent a bunch of time just surfing the net, and have been very productive.  That's pretty new for me, relatively speaking.  In many cases I've become quite good at what I've done and so I've been able to perform well while still wasting a bunch of time.  Best of both worlds.  Having been doing that this time around, so far anyway.  Yet here I sit typing in a forum.

It looks like my pay issue is finally being sorted.  I'm supposed to get 2 checks tomorrow via direct deposit & a 3rd one on Friday.  That would be more than spectacular.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  This absolutely thrills me despite being completely devoid of any actual enthusiasm right now.  Simply don't have the energy for it.  I hope to have positive news to report on this front tomorrow.  Things look like they ought to be in line.

Since starting this new job, my life has gotten relatively boring.  Beyond working & going to AA meetings, I've really not been doing much at all.  Haven't had the time or the energy.  Don't particularly like being bored like this, but I'm not used to this new routine.  Suppose it will take some adjusting.  I still very much feel like I'm adjusting to the new work schedule, sleep schedule, etc.  Definitely not what I was used to for the last few years.  I had virtually nothing but free time, and now I have very little of it, which can be a good thing for someone like me.  I need to build discipline and this helps.  Also, It's easier to save money when you spent a lot more time making it than spending it.

I've always had a really big over-spending problem.  Compulsion I guess.  I've gone overboard with collecting on a few different fronts.  It harmed my marriage pretty badly.  Certainly harmed my finances unnecessarily, but a lot of it was done to fill an emotional hole that I wasn't able to fill any other way.  Needless to say, the spending didn't fill it either, and it had the added benefit of emptying my wallet.  I wish I had just a fraction of the money that I've wasted over the years, and a fraction of the money I walked away from in the divorce.  Things would be quite different today.  But...  I now have a very comfortable income, virtually no debt, and the ability to save a good deal of money.  One big difference now is that because I've been so stone broke for so long, I've become used to spending very little, and it's made me long for the opportunity to actually accumulate some money.  I'm not nearly as eager to blow it this time around.  Still, I know that this is something I'm really going to have to keep an eye on.

Man, I feel like I could pass out at will.  Drained.  Thank God I don't really have anything I have to do tonight.  That's a relief.  My mind feels like mush.  But that's because of working hard, so that's a good thing, and I'm grateful for that.

I've been very saddened & disheartened by reading many of the comments of the members here lately.  Many of us have been around for quite a long time, and a great many of us are still regularly posting things which strongly suggest that we haven't made much progress.  That breaks my heart because I know what it feels like to go years without being able to move forward mentally, emotionally, circumstantially.  It more than sucks the life out of you.  No one deserves that existence.  I just wish that everyone here were doing better, and I know that we all feel that way about each other.  It's very tough to keep saying things like "have faith, hang in there, stick it out, try as hard as you can, things'll get better, things will change, I hope you feel better, I hope tomorrow's better for you", etc.  After a while, those kinds of things sound very empty & I actually have some guilt surrounding continually saying those things in some cases.  Fact of the matter is that we get tired of hearing those kinds of things when our feelings & existence aren't changing.  Hearing those kinds of things can actually piss you off.  Which begs the question: what exactly do you say in some of those cases?  I dunno.  Just do your best I suppose.  That's what I try to do.

One hour until I can get out of here.  That's not a long time at all, but as Einstein said, time is relative.  It's moving very slowly for me right now.  Inverse relationship between how badly I want to get out of here and how quickly time passes.  Ironic.

When I get tired like this, my mind & emotions really take a hit.  I wouldn't say I'm depressed right now, but I certainly don't have any excitement or enthusiasm either, as I did earlier today.  I suppose that's what happens when you actually work all day, for multiple days in a row.  Makes me realize how long it's actually been since I've been in the professional work environment.  Also lets me know that I'm getting older.  Guess that's what happens.  No one wants to get old, but nobody wants to die young either.  Heh.

I spent a good bit of time on here last night, but I doubt my energy level is going to permit that tonight.  Actually, I hope that's the case because it will likely mean that I'll be able to sleep much more quickly and much better than I did last night.  I sure as hell need it.  I may very well double up on my Trazedone tonight.  Can't have another night like last night in terms of sleep.  It did me in as far as my energy level goes today, and I knew it sure as hell would.

Wow.  I'm just going on and on here, but I suppose that was the mission at the outset.  Mindless stream of consciousness with no particular mission but to keep the mind a little bit busy and pass some time simply.  Here I sit at work, having done a ton today, and taking a break for the rest of the day pretty much.  Feeling guilt about that.  Not overly so though.  I can deal with it.

I've always thought of myself as someone with multiple diagnoses, and I do have them.  I know I've got it much worse than many out there in the world, but reading everyone's sharing on this site also makes e realize that I've got it one whole hell of a lot better on most days than many others.  I've been reading about people's struggles with bipolar disorder, eating disorders, out of control anxiety, paranoia, psychotic breaks, uncontrollable anger/rage, compulsive disorders, and very serious physical/health problems of all kinds.  I deal with a number of conditions, and have for years, but there are many conditions that I don't have, and I should be very grateful for that.  Most of the time, I remember to stay grateful for the good fortunes I have as well as the misfortunes I don't.  Gratitude can be very, very difficult sometimes, but it almost always helps my mood & my mindset in general.

When I'm tired like this, and devoid of any energy, I struggle, but I suppose everyone does.  I'm a little jealous of these other bastards running around the office like they've just done a big bump of coca!ne.  Here I am yawning uncontrollably.  Lol.  

If/when I get paid tomorrow, I think I'm gonna stop by the hemp store for the first time in a long time and pick up some CBD bud.  Smoking that stuff helps tremendously with anxiety relief & relaxation, but doesn't get me high, and for an addict like me, that's phenomenal.  I'm glad it exists now, and I'm glad it's legal in TN.  Looking forward to that.  Honestly though, even if I could buy it tonight, as tired as I feel, I might not bother to stop & get it.  Who knows.  Doesn't matter I guess.  Just thinking by typing.

Yeah, I know this is going on forever, but like I said, I need to keep myself doing something until I get out of here in 30 minutes.  Indulge me.  No replies necessary but if you feel the need to ridicule this ridiculously long, pointless post, feel most free.  I will certainly understand.  In fact, I hope to bring about some mild amusement through such endless & mindless writing.  Dear God I'm tired.  Saying that repeatedly isn't helping, but that's just the reality of the situation.

I wonder if computers actually keep a record somewhere of how many times each key is pressed on its keyboard throughout its life.  I need to look that up.  Pointless info but I'd find it quite amusing.  Too tired and uninterested to look it up right now though.  And far too busy amusing you good people.  Whatever would you do were I to stop rambling?

Do you ever feel weird leaving work without saying much to anybody because you're too tired even though you're not actually leaving early?  I feel like that a lot.  In fact, I know that I'm going to feel like that today.  I shouldn't feel that way.  Especially when I've actually been diligent with my work, I ought not be so hard on myself & have such feelings of guilt.  Sick mind, I suppose.

Paragraphs are getting very short indeed.  Indicative of a steadily declining attention span.  I'm so extraordinarily grateful for this job that I now have.  It's actually a title to which I've aspired for quite some time and I feel like I can now do the job.  (IT Project Manager/Analyst).  So I do manage projects but I also still do actual work.  I was on the job search this time for months.  It was absolutely the most grueling, unending job that pays absolutely nothing until it's over.  It was beyond necessary though, and I simply could not/would not settle for underemployment again.  It destroyed my morale over the years, and it also put me into one hell of an untenable financial quagmire.  It just wasn't an option anymore.  So I suppose I worked long enough at it until I got what I truly wanted & needed this time.  I honestly wasn't sure that I could do it, and there were many days on which I had nearly no hope.

Job searching in general has been one of the very banes of my existence.  I'm an intelligent guy, well-educated, and have a lot of very good work experience, but I swear to God, I must own some sort of record in terms of my interviews-vs.-job-not-gotten ratio.  It's absolutely spellbinding.  I can communicate well, so I'm really not sure what the problem has been over the years.  Fact of the matter is that I must have been doing something wrong over those years or that ratio wouldn't be nearly as high as it is.  That's not only depressed & discouraged me, after happening for so long.  It's also caused me marked paranoia.  For quite some time, it also caused my now-ex-wife to be paranoid about me/it.  In a sense, it's still hard to believe that I've shattered those shackles & am actually living a work existence for which I've yearned for a long time.

Fourteen mins left to go.  Woohoo.  (Just think almost-falling-asleep Homer Simpson when you read that.  Yeah, that's me.)  Oh to be able to go home and do absolutely nothing but plop myself in front of the television & just marinate in that stuff until I feel like going to bed.

I haven't written anything about this next subject in quite some time on here, and come to think of it, I probably haven't ever written much about it here.  Having said that, the last six or seven years' experiences have left me with a great deal to say about romantic relationships.  I've become very cynical indeed, though my cynicisms are based strictly on my experiences, cross-references with the virtually identical experiences of Carl, my best friend since the first grade.  I need to say right up front that I've become extremely cynical & negative about women in general in the romantic/relationship sense.  I'm not going to go into any of it here now.  Suppose I'll start a thread in the Relationships section in the next couple of days.  I'm certain that I'll run the very likely risk of pissing a lot of women off on here, but I must also say that I am now quite firm in these beliefs & am beyond pulling punches anymore.  About this subject in particular, I won't sugar-coat a damned thing.  Forewarned is forearmed, ladies.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I seem to have burned up both the work clock as well as an inordinate amount of your precious time with one swift stroke.  Apologies.  I now await the deluge of forthcoming laughs & general ridicule.

: )

Adam

 

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Adam.  

Not quite sure if I should laugh or be confused. But no ridicule!  I wish I had the bravery to just put the words out there. A lot of what you write about has crossed my mind too. 

Thanks for your posts. I often find wisdom in them. Continued success with your job.

 

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1 hour ago, adamrparr said:

I've been very saddened & disheartened by reading many of the comments of the members here lately.  Many of us have been around for quite a long time, and a great many of us are still regularly posting things which strongly suggest that we haven't made much progress.  That breaks my heart because I know what it feels like to go years without being able to move forward mentally, emotionally, circumstantially.  It more than sucks the life out of you.  No one deserves that existence.  I just wish that everyone here were doing better, and I know that we all feel that way about each other.  It's very tough to keep saying things like "have faith, hang in there, stick it out, try as hard as you can, things'll get better, things will change, I hope you feel better, I hope tomorrow's better for you", etc.  After a while, those kinds of things sound very empty & I actually have some guilt surrounding continually saying those things in some cases.  Fact of the matter is that we get tired of hearing those kinds of things when our feelings & existence aren't changing.  Hearing those kinds of things can actually piss you off.  Which begs the question: what exactly do you say in some of those cases?  I dunno.  Just do your best I suppose.  That's what I try to do.

Lol just to quote one paragraph is already so long XD I know what u mean when hearing those words just piss you off. Cos things don’t get better. It takes a lot of effort not only from ourselves but from others around us. N it’s so easy to go back down to that viscous cycle cos of our old habits n process of thinking.

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26 minutes ago, nojoy said:

Adam.  

Not quite sure if I should laugh or be confused. But no ridicule!  I wish I had the bravery to just put the words out there. A lot of what you write about has crossed my mind too. 

Thanks for your posts. I often find wisdom in them. Continued success with your job.

 

Thank you, my friend.  You have the courage to put the words out there.  Just have to go through the tedious keystrokes.

; )

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