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SailingSoul

worried about being a spineless mom...

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I worry about this alot because I have issues standing up for myself . I feel such a rush of anxiety when it comes to confrontation it feels like I might pass out.

I hate Im such a coward and I let people say whatever. Its just something hard for me to fix and I don't know where to begin. I just want to be a good protector for my son but I feel like such a weak human being.

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Once you are in a situation when you need to be that protector, I think you will find that your maternal instincts kick in. That "mama bear protecting her cub" is a natural instinct that comes with the territory. When the time comes, you'll do just fine.

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First, I totally understand. I allowed my mother to be rather awful to my kids longer than I should have for the same reason.

Second, the most important thing that you can do for your son is to validate his feelings and give him permission and support to express them. The reality is that you cannot protect your children from all hurt and conflict. The important thing is to know when it is ok to let them deal with it and learn from it and when you should step in. Instinct will guide you and the mother bear in you will come out. Trust yourself.

I have two adul-tish sons (20 and 18) and I have learned that the best thing I did for them was to not really treat them like children - but to reason with them and listen to them like they were responsible human beings. Did it cause me some stress when they were younger - oh hell yes. I had to be my toes and make sure that I never left any loop holes when I asked them to do something - because they would find it and exploit it. Conversation like the following were common:

Child: You should have done it this way.

Me: Well, I will do it that way next time.

Child: That doesn't fix this time, does it?

Me: I cannot go back into the past. I can only control the future. And in the future you will pay for this conversation.

One of them even told me that there are two kinds of people - those who call tech support and those who fix the problem. You can guess which one I was.

I believe that my children have grown into responsible adult-ish types in part because I did not always fix their problems. They learned how to fix them themselves. 

 

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Sometimes it is hard but when it is your own child, it makes all the difference. We can teach our kids how to deal with the weaknesses we have because they will have some to. So be gentle on yourself.

BW

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Every new mom worries about how she will ever be a good mom. Some of it you learn from books and some you learn from life experiences. And some of it you just wing it and hope you made the right choice. You will be a great mom.:hugs:

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On 10/2/2019 at 11:19 AM, sober4life said:

I believe you will be a wonderful mother.  You are probably scared to death right now but I believe in you and I always will.

Thank you so much that means a lot.

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