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Should men on the spectrum follow NT advice on dating women?


Lundi_Hvalursson

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Following my first thread about myself being a 30 year old male with Asperger's who feels depressed for having always been single plus a virgin, I was recommended a few websites and YouTube channels about dating advice. But I find that the advice seems to be much more geared towards neurotypical men. For example, someone recommended me this YouTube channel by a wing girl named Marni. I am not sure if she is American or Canadian, but it seems like many men in both countries follow her advice.

" "THIS" Is How & When To TOUCH A Girl | Breaking The Touch Barrier: Steps 1- 4 (2019)" - by Marni Your Personal Wing Girl on YouTube

In this specific video, it is advice about how men should utilise touching as part of flirting as a dating technique. But I find that these techniques are fraught with problems for someone who is autistic or has Asperger's. Flirty touching is like level 11/10 on the difficulty level, because even regular touching like hugs and handshakes already give men on the spectrum problems. What if a man on the spectrum messes up real badly with the touching stuff by mistake, and the woman gets uncomfortable? Or what if even if the woman is neurotypical, but she does not like any touching and this is not known beforehand?

Extending this example to other aspects of dating and relationships where advice is mostly for neurotypical people, I am wondering if it could work also for men on the spectrum.

As an extra detail, my Aspie score is 153/200 and neurotypical score is 50/200. I am not sure if that is "mild" or what. But my skills at nonverbal communication and facial expressions are extremely poor. 

So my question is, should men on the spectrum follow dating techniques and advice that seem more suited towards neurotypical men?

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I hate to see a question go unanswered. I’m a NT individual so what I may have to say may hold no merit. Even as a NT individual I wouldn’t be quite comfortable with someone touching me until I knew them for a while. Which by that time I’d assume to know and understand that being touchy and feely isn’t quite so easy for you. And I’d hope that would be something they could respect and appreciate.

 

I don’t know what kind of advice you’re soliciting from these videos but if they’re offering touch as a form of flirting I don’t find it good advice for anyone.

 

As for flirting and making connections in general, I think it’s best you’re upfront. Being intentional, truthful and an open book is going to earn you big points with a possible mate. Explaining your Aspergers but conveying your feelings to someone is allowing yourself a vulnerability that I think anyone would appreciate. Whether the emotions are reciprocated or not. 

 

I hope that what I’m saying makes sense. And hopefully you can gain some confidence in yourself, exactly as you are.

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I am really at a loss for words of advice since I have zero experience in this area,  Lundi_Hvalursson.  I hope people here in a similar situation will read your post and respond with something helpful. 

It seems like there is a real need for an internet site for dating advice for people with Asperger's.  I wouldn't know what to do  about dating if I had Asperger's.  Hope you find something that helps you.  You deserve a good life and all it has to offer ! ! !   - epictetus

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I dunno if this will help, but I'll throw in a few of my cents.
I am not an aspie, but I have a couple of similar traits and features with my schizoid personality disorder. Plus social anxiety af.

I have never dated women or had any "mutual special relationships", but I have had women "like" me or consider me as a friend to confide in.

What worked was being attentive to what they have to say, being truthful and keeping your word.
 

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I am not sure why the YouTube link got messed up, but this was the video:

[YouTube Link Removed]

" "THIS" Is How & When To TOUCH A Girl | Breaking The Touch Barrier: Steps 1- 4 (2019)" - by Marni Your Personal Wing Girl on YouTube

It is about utilising touch as a flirting technique. Needless to say, I find this extremely risky personally, for even neurotypical guys. Imagine an autistic/Asperger's guy attempting these techniques. But this is what my point is--this is, what seems to me, advice for neurotypical guys. How can someone on the spectrum replicate this given their already existing problems with social awkwardness and inability to read the situation and body language?

I am little more than two weeks from my 30th birthday, and am still single and a virgin. I am looking all over for suitable advice, but advice like in the video is something that I cannot do. And like you said, I cannot find any advice for guys with Asperger's.

My mother also has Asperger's and was single/virgin until age 27. However, she never had to initiate anything like I (supposedly, since I am male?) am expected to.

I am very blunt and direct, so I was wondering if I ever am interested, I could say, "I will be honest. I think that you are an interesting person, and I like you. How about we go to [restaurant/bar/other establishment] date-style and get to know each other?" Where I live now I am finding it very hard to meet women who have things in common with me. But I was just thinking as personally to use that strategy. Whether it is good or not, I have no clue. I feel like I am just fishing round in my head for ideas, kind of blindly with no real direction. 

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
replace YouTube link with video title and channel
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