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How do I feel right now?


quentin360

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Hello everyone. I need to vent a little because this has been one hell of a month and I'm still struggling to pull myself up out of the deep hole. About a month ago the severe depression returned with massive force so I went to my psychiatrist who informed me that he could not raise the milligrams of the medication I was on, that I was taking maximum so I figured well I guess I am screwed. I pushed myself to get out and go to a volunteer position I'd been in for a couple of years with my pastor and he up and decided to resign and that was a massive blow to me as he took me there every day and it was my estate from reality. It was my way of getting out of myself and helping others. But it's good that others there are more than happy to come get me a ride up there when I need to go as I can drive since I lost my vision. The doctor put me on a mood stabilizer and it might be helping but it may be too soon to know. I spent Monday through Thursday sitting in my recliner in front of the television not watching anything just in my thoughts and they can be very detrimental to me as all I can think about is how to go about ******* myself. I am a born again Christian and am confused and maybe some of y'all can clear this up. Some preachers say that if you commit suicide that you are going to hell and I'm sorry but I just cannot accept that. I mean when someone like myself have went through hell most of their life with severe depression and hopelessness and God does not seem to be anywhere around. When we reach a point as many have is like we have no choice and see no way out. So why would God after seeing someone go through the despair and hopelessness of severe depression as many of us have and then through desperation commit suicide I can accept that he would send us the hell because we've been in hell this whole time anyway. I'm not going to **** myself mainly because I'm too big of a coward and I don't like paying and I do fear the unknown. Tonight I'm feeling a little bit hopeful but that could be gone when I wake up in the morning because it's like a roller coaster ride. We just go up and down up and down and it is so frustrating. And yes what makes my life so hard is that I am alone living in this big house. I burn any bridges and I never married and had children which was my dream when I was a teenager. It's hard because when I'm alone that's when the devil gets in my and repeats all the bull ship that my father put in my head long ago and I guess he was right I don't think I turned out to be much of a people in my life, believe it or not, think of me as an inspiration to them because I've overcome this neuromuscular disease I have plus be blind. And I have overcome those two things. But I will tell you I haven't and I don't think I ever will overcome the depression and yes the self-medicating drug use that doesn't seem to help much more I just do it to feel somewhat normal. I used to be a very positive man and I had God in my life without a doubt, just not so much anymore as if he turned his back on me, of course other Christians claim that it's me that turn my back on him but I have did everything anything and everything I felt God wanted me but I did not get the one and only thing I pray for throughout the day, and that would be peace and contentment. I'm just rambling now and if you read this I'll thank you. Please feel free to comment and I have no problem getting constructive criticism. Take care of yourselves my friends...

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I won't comment on the religious aspects of your post since I'm a devout secularist.

However I will comment on your "deep hole" metaphor.

Depression is definitely a deep, dark, dangerous metaphorical hole.

I like to invoke the cave metaphor to strategize ways to deal with my depression.

In nature caves are formed by erosion, stress and upheaval.

(Sound familiar?)

My coping mechanism is to metaphorically anchor myself outside my depression cave.

I give myself permission to take temporary shelter in my secret hideaway but I must avoid long-term residence.

The idea is to be clever with powerful metaphors.

My feeling is there is no good reason to be lost and trapped within ourselves.

We are here to help each other find the EXIT/ENTRANCE of our depression caves.

Oscar

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Quentin,

I'm going to send you a personal message about your thoughts on Christians and suicide. I am also a Christian. Many years ago I had simliar questions and went to a pastor I respected for my answers. I think you'll find his thoughts reassuring.

Edited by rainingviolets
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