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is there anything offensive in this message that I sent?


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 I sent the following message to a man that I have discussed about on here that chatted with me for 5 months only to go back to his xwife a week before we were finally scheduled to meet with each other. His explanations of how he and his wife reconnected did not make sense to me and it left alot of questions unanswered and he said if I had any further questions that I can feel free to ask ....so I sent a message to him with the questions that I was wondering about but I have not heard back so I am wondering if anything in this message could be taken as a bit offensive? He did say that I can feel free to ask any further questions but  I am now concerned about the part where I told him that I originally thought he had "used' and "deceived" me but I was careful to mention that I dont think that now (even though that part is kind of a lie..I do feel used by him but I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by giving him a chance to explain himself to me better). Anyway, I copied and pasted below the part of the message that concerns me. I had a few friends look at it and they said it looks fine and polite but i would like an objective opinion so I thought I would post it on here. Thanks for any thoughts on it.

 

"When I initially read your message to me saying that you decided to go back to your xwife I think my initial reaction was shock and after that anger. I am by no means excusing or justifying my way of dealing with it  because I know that I was dead wrong to react the way that I did and I am still sorry for that but I am just explaining the emotions behind the reaction. I was very happy that you were honest with me  and I am still happy about that but I was  shocked since I did not see that coming and I was angry because I felt AT THE TIME  like I was either used as a rebound while you were waiting to reunite with your wife or perhaps I was deceived to the nature of your relationship with her all along....I DO NOT think that now but the idea of either being "deceived" or "used" was quite upsetting at the time. I think alot of this was brought on by the fact that throughout our conversations you assured me you were finished with her and then  only a week prior to your message to me saying you were getting back with her you had assured me that the lady on your facebook page was indeed you x wife and that it was over between the two of you. I had no reason to think the status of your relationship with her would change so quickly. You seems very excited and eager to meet with me and whichever friend I brought along. It is still a bit difficult for me to understand how things came about like they did with you and her so quickly  ...  so with that said and since you offered to answer any further questions,  I am hoping that maybe you can perhaps explain how that came about so it would make a bit more sense to me? I think that might help clear up any confusion if you can possibly do that. For example, had you and her been talking all along and then discovered the feelings were still there?  Or did one of you contact the other? obviously one of you must have made the first move to reunite.  Like I said, any help in understanding how the reunion with you and your wife transpired might really clear up any lingering questions.   Thanks in advance.

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Hi @chumly. I read what you wrote and considered the points you made in your message. You asked for an opinion and I can't really make a judgment either way about it, sorry about that. 

Romantic entanglements are never tidy. If I'm reading you correctly you want answers in order to make sense of what happened. I empathize with your situation but I don't have any answers. Maybe instead I can help with the difficult emotions that you're left to manage. 

You wrote that you felt used and deceived. You said you also felt shocked and angered. You said you were happy with his honesty and also you felt sorry for how you reacted. That's a lot of feelings to deal with and some emotions might even seem to be in conflict with others. Do you think it might help to write about your feelings some more? Also, to write about your feelings about those feelings? 

As an aside, I really like your user name. It brings back memories of a place I used to go. 

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Atra always makes the most digestible, and understandable,  sense.   Strong emotions, love, etc., relationships are harder to tie together than a unified field theory.

I like this, famoused by Linda Ronstadt, written by Little Feat, a phrase from "Willing".

"Well I've been kicked by the wind, robbed by the sleet
Had my head stoved in, but I'm still on my feet and I'm still, willin'"

Most of the lyrics are inappropriate for the forum, but nothing is lost here.

Bulgakov

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’m not sure about what you did to warrant an apology to him. But if it was expressing your anger or frustrations, considering the circumstances and possible deception, I’m not sure why there is an apology.

You shouldn’t be apologetic for your feelings or emotions and that is the impression I am getting from your message.

Your emotions are righteous and deserve no reprimands. As for the entirety of the email from an outsiders perspective it is well thought out and written. 

However from his actions, I wouldn’t hold my breath for a reply. Nor invest anymore of myself or emotions into someone unwilling to reciprocate. You deserve better, don’t settle for less than your worth.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Doesn't appear to be anything terribly wrong with it, though it does appear to be tripping over itself to be almost third-party neutral. You might think a little less cornflour and a lot more salt might be the flavour of these things. Or at least a bit of forked tongue. 

That's probably to your credit though. 

Wouldn't be expecting a reply though. You fought history and lost. and that is as old as time. And regardless of how it is written, you're asking for moral reflection. Yeah ... nah. If that hasn't happened, it isn't going to. 

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On 10/1/2019 at 3:51 AM, Atra said:

Hi @chumly. I read what you wrote and considered the points you made in your message. You asked for an opinion and I can't really make a judgment either way about it, sorry about that. 

Romantic entanglements are never tidy. If I'm reading you correctly you want answers in order to make sense of what happened. I empathize with your situation but I don't have any answers. Maybe instead I can help with the difficult emotions that you're left to manage. 

You wrote that you felt used and deceived. You said you also felt shocked and angered. You said you were happy with his honesty and also you felt sorry for how you reacted. That's a lot of feelings to deal with and some emotions might even seem to be in conflict with others. Do you think it might help to write about your feelings some more? Also, to write about your feelings about those feelings? 

As an aside, I really like your user name. It brings back memories of a place I used to go. 

thankyou so much! I am so sorry that I am only seeing this now. I did not realize that there were any further responses on this.

 

That is great advice and I do feel better when I write things down. Thanks so much again!

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On 10/1/2019 at 2:22 PM, Bulgakov said:

Atra always makes the most digestible, and understandable,  sense.   Strong emotions, love, etc., relationships are harder to tie together than a unified field theory.

I like this, famoused by Linda Ronstadt, written by Little Feat, a phrase from "Willing".

"Well I've been kicked by the wind, robbed by the sleet
Had my head stoved in, but I'm still on my feet and I'm still, willin'"

Most of the lyrics are inappropriate for the forum, but nothing is lost here.

Bulgakov

Great quote!! Thanks!

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On 10/10/2019 at 5:32 PM, Tid322 said:

I’m not sure about what you did to warrant an apology to him. But if it was expressing your anger or frustrations, considering the circumstances and possible deception, I’m not sure why there is an apology.

You shouldn’t be apologetic for your feelings or emotions and that is the impression I am getting from your message.

Your emotions are righteous and deserve no reprimands. As for the entirety of the email from an outsiders perspective it is well thought out and written. 

However from his actions, I wouldn’t hold my breath for a reply. Nor invest anymore of myself or emotions into someone unwilling to reciprocate. You deserve better, don’t settle for less than your worth.

Thankyou so much for your thoughts on this as well. I really appreciate it and you are making great points here!

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On 10/19/2019 at 8:43 PM, Gisele said:

Doesn't appear to be anything terribly wrong with it, though it does appear to be tripping over itself to be almost third-party neutral. You might think a little less cornflour and a lot more salt might be the flavour of these things. Or at least a bit of forked tongue. 

That's probably to your credit though. 

Wouldn't be expecting a reply though. You fought history and lost. and that is as old as time. And regardless of how it is written, you're asking for moral reflection. Yeah ... nah. If that hasn't happened, it isn't going to. 

Thankyou so much for your thoughts on it too. Yes, I wanted an explanation and would still like an explanation but it is mattering less and less to me now anyway. I have since blocked him and that action has given me tremendous relief! 

 

Thanks so much!

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Once again, I am so sorry for the delays on responding back to all of this. Like I said, I did not realize that there were any further responses on the topic. However, I do appreciate all the added advice given so thanks so much.:)

 

Shortly after I posted about all of this on here I took advice from someone on here that suggested that I block him. It is amazing how much better I feel now that I have done that!!  I don't have to anticipate or wonder about messages from him anymore and this has given me so much relief. I may unblock him in the future but for now I have concluded that he was dishonest with me and/or his "x-wife" and he therefore does not deserve the access to my emails or to have me as any kind of a friend..I may think differently about this in the future but that is my conclusion for now. I actually feel sorry for his x wife since I think he is a bit of a user too so I am thinking I probably dodged a bullet on that one...but like I said, I may see things differently at a later date.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all the thoughts on this. It really helps.

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