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Ashley Nicole

I'm new to the sight and would love some supportive words and or advice.

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My world will never be the same, and I am so terrified for my children because I don't know what the future holds for us. Three days ago, I found a link to a dating site in my email inbox. Naturally, I thought that it was some weird spam or junk mail that somehow made it into my folder. As I went to delete it, I see my husbands name and a confirmation number to confirm email address. When I finally got through the doubt and shock of seeing this, I went back in. In hindsight, I shouldn't have. We share the same email because of our busy lives and the three children that we have. Keep in in mind that he is not a technical guy that knows a lot about linked emails and backup emails. Anyway, so I go into the site and request a password reset to get into the profile. Sure enough, my worst fears were confirmed. HE had a profile set up to meet singles in the next town over 😞 along with his physical information. I went back into our email and searched everything. I found at least three other sites that he had sighed up for and was receiving updates all the time! They were showing up in the promotional and spam folders. Until that day, I have never even once looked at these folders because that's all supposed to be ''junk mail'' right? I was only able to get into the one site because of our shared email addresses, but there was enough info there to confirm. 
He and I have been together for almost 12 years, married for five of them. We have been having trouble in our relationship that started in January. He went to a three-day conference for his new job along with five other coworkers. While he was gone, I could not get a hold of him the second night. He established before he left that he had to be in bed early so that he can make it to the conference that started at 6 am, which I respected.  The second night that he was there, I decided to call him against my better judgment at the time. Our youngest wanted to talk to her father, she would not go to sleep, so I called his room at 11 pm. and his roommate answered and told me that he was not there and neither was he there the whole night before! Long story short, my husband convinced me that I was delusional and overreacting to the entire thing. Our relationship was never the same since then. Since then, there was always this doubt in my mind that something was wrong, but I kept pushing it away. What's most astonishing to me is how he could act as if nothing happened and that I was the crazy one. I ended up in the emergency room after I found a text that his male friend from the conference that did not coincide with his story. It was something about an after-party and dating SMS? I still don't know what that means. His friend was trying to persuade him to bring his SMS. It's hard to understand, but, I believed him when he told me that it was a misunderstanding. After that ER visit, I was put on antidepressants, which seemed to help to a point. I'm still on them, and they seem to take the sting out of my situation until I found the dating sites. 
Today, six months after my ER visit, I don't know what to do, my thoughts that he's with someone one at that exact moment is what gets me 😞 I understand that there is no simple answer and that it will take time or day to day intervals to recover and move on, but I'm only on day three. I have not been eating or sleeping for three days. I go back to the Doc in a few days to up my antidepressants, but I would hate to do that. I'm not a medication type person, it took me weeks to adjust to the meds, and I don't want to go through that again with the increase. 
I have no one to talk to or confide in except for my sister-in-law that seems to be shielding him and faking comforting me into thinking that I am wrong! This is why it is so hard to write this, I have not confided in anyone, even my family, until now. I feel a real sense of embarrassment about my situation at this point and would rather not talk to family about it. I'm simply not ready. This platform is my first step in expressing my thoughts and fears about what's about to come and what has already happened. I would love to hear some helpful objective words right now. 
As of today, he is still in the house, and everything at this point is purely practical. Meaning that we are not together the way a wife and husband should be. We did separate for a couple of weeks until we decided to stay for the time being, for the kids. I agree with this because they were miserable. My youngest 6,  already showing signs of anxiety. During our brief separation, she would wake up crying or persistently ask about her father. My oldest 13, was always mad at me for kicking him out of the house, he does not understand the whole situation, though he does know about the dating sites as he was home when I discovered them. He overheard me, asking my husband. This kills me! It's also the only reason he is in the house now. 
Long story, I know. I just want to feel better and start the healing process alone. How does one move on after a situation like this? I have never felt so lonely and scared in my life 😞 Thank you for reading. 

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I have not words of advice and I hesitate to dump on your husband's behavior (although I certainly want to). You need to do what it best for you in this situation. I do not believe that trying to save the relationship is possible, unless both of you want to make it better. Have you talked with him about couple's counceling? If that is something that he is open to - it might be worth it to try it - if only for the sake of the children.

However, if he is done with the relationship - I would try to find a therapist for you. Nothing that he did is your fault and it is important that you remember that. He made his choices.

Remember that you are not the first person to be where you are. Women have had to figure out how to be strong and carry on for decades. You will get through this.

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Its hard to say exactly what's going on with him, but I would sit down over a cuppa tea and speak with him honestly and calmly and literally just talk it through.

As dumb as this may sound it might be totally innocent, and try not to worry until you know exactly what's going on.

Give him an opportunity to say how he feels and let him get things off his chest.  I would rather know what's going on and deal with the pain, than not know and it be done behind my back.  As tough as that seems.

So my plan would be to put him into a sense of comfort that's its ok to talk about things,  like a detective would do.  

I must tell you, I have been with my wife 20 years,  and I signed up to over 10 of the dating sites. I never actually put my credentials on them, but I was always looking and to be honest got a little addicted.  I am the LAST person who would cheat, and I would never do that to her,  but I was curious and found it fun as it lets you fantasize.  Rightly or wrongly.

But give him an opportunity to explain,  once he opens up you will find he wont be able to stop.  the biggest thing for you to do is STAY CALM, don't turn it into a fight (as hard as that sounds).

This way you get to know where you stand,  you don't want to be in a cheating relationship, you deserve better than that, and you certainly don't want it to cause you further anxiety issues.

Hope this makes sense.

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Hello Sarrkzz,

I found it interesting when you said that you signed up for over ten sights?... and how it brought that extra fantasy. You also said, " I have been with my wife 20 years, and I signed up to over 10 of the dating sites. I never actually put my credentials on them, but I was always looking and to be honest got a little addicted.  "(Sarrkzz, 2019). I wonder, can you tell me what brought you to sign up for these sights? Was there anything that your wife could have done to keep you interested and or away from these sites? Is it just a part of marriage? 
I know these are personal questions, but I am in a unique position that I never thought I would be. 
My husband is seven years older then I am. I was 20 and he 27. I believe that he might have a thing for younger girls and now that I am in my thirties, he's put me aside. 
I feel nothing but ugly and uncertainty.  

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On 9/19/2019 at 4:43 AM, Ashley Nicole said:

Hello Sarrkzz,

I found it interesting when you said that you signed up for over ten sights?... and how it brought that extra fantasy. You also said, " I have been with my wife 20 years, and I signed up to over 10 of the dating sites. I never actually put my credentials on them, but I was always looking and to be honest got a little addicted.  "(Sarrkzz, 2019). I wonder, can you tell me what brought you to sign up for these sights? Was there anything that your wife could have done to keep you interested and or away from these sites? Is it just a part of marriage? 
I know these are personal questions, but I am in a unique position that I never thought I would be. 
My husband is seven years older then I am. I was 20 and he 27. I believe that he might have a thing for younger girls and now that I am in my thirties, he's put me aside. 
I feel nothing but ugly and uncertainty.  

I don't mind you asking at all, 

We have two children, and after my first child I kind of lost my wife,  back then I was late 20's and I had hormones of a humping dog but my wife, understandably lost her desire for being physically and it became a chore for her (in my opinion),  if we did have sex it was always "I am not in the mood, but if you're quick"..  basically this went on for years.

For about a year, I signed up to one site, then started looking at others,  I never engaged with any other person at all from the sites, but used to love looking at profiles and imagining what it would be like if I was single and using online dating sites.  Like I said, the phase only lasted about a year.  I went onto these sites when my wife went to bed, as for around 5-6 or 7 years, she was falling asleep by 9pm, which left me in front of the tele by myself which used to frustrate me a lot.

Like I said, I would never cheat on my wife, but when you're in a sexless or emotionless sexual marriage,  I found it very tough.  Although our girls are older now and we do have a sex life again, its never returned to how it was before kids.  Its very robotic.

There's lots of things that can contribute to the feeling of (in your words) "being put aside".  As I am currently finding out,  marriage is extremely tough, and living with someone is even harder.  Lots of effort has to go into it to make it work.  I have found myself drifting away, and even my wife has admitted 2 nights ago that 80-90% of her attention is for the kids now, to me this hurt and it's going to be the main driver that I move out of the house and be on my own to find myself again.

I know exactly how you mean about the ugly feeling,  I look in the mirror now and I get disgusted with myself, strange how people can make you feel this way.  You need to love yourself and have PMA. 

I am 13 years older now being 42 so my desire has changed a lot, fortunately, so if I do become single which is looking very likely, I want to find myself and sort my head out.

Hope this helps.

 

 

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Sorry you are going through all that. Know that you did nothing wrong. I hope he is willing to do marriage counseling and that you both can work through this. If he is not willing, it would be good to see a therapist for your own sanity. Also increases of the same med aren't bad, in my experience, since your body is already used to it. You may need this for a time. 

I feel for you and pray that you get through this. We are here for you.

BW

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Hello AN, Welcome to DF.  Sorry you have to join us...

Advice?  First, I would not sign up with a real name.  Maybe your logon is a pseudonym.

Tough situation, but unfortunately not uncommon.  If you do confront, you need to be prepared for the worse case response.  And staying together just for the kids does not mean that the kids will escape scarring.  Professional help is the 'go to' advise for a reason.  If you did start, would you be completely (painfully) honest?  Would your partner?   Can you emotionally handle an 'open marriage'?  Tough questions

I'm not trying to quash all hope here. Sometimes, the thing we fear the most is the right path and leads to a better life.    Either way, I hope you find the peace you need to live your life.

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On 9/14/2019 at 9:13 AM, Ashley Nicole said:

My world will never be the same, and I am so terrified for my children because I don't know what the future holds for us. Three days ago, I found a link to a dating site in my email inbox. Naturally, I thought that it was some weird spam or junk mail that somehow made it into my folder. As I went to delete it, I see my husbands name and a confirmation number to confirm email address. When I finally got through the doubt and shock of seeing this, I went back in. In hindsight, I shouldn't have. We share the same email because of our busy lives and the three children that we have. Keep in in mind that he is not a technical guy that knows a lot about linked emails and backup emails. Anyway, so I go into the site and request a password reset to get into the profile. Sure enough, my worst fears were confirmed. HE had a profile set up to meet singles in the next town over 😞 along with his physical information. I went back into our email and searched everything. I found at least three other sites that he had sighed up for and was receiving updates all the time! They were showing up in the promotional and spam folders. Until that day, I have never even once looked at these folders because that's all supposed to be ''junk mail'' right? I was only able to get into the one site because of our shared email addresses, but there was enough info there to confirm. 
He and I have been together for almost 12 years, married for five of them. We have been having trouble in our relationship that started in January. He went to a three-day conference for his new job along with five other coworkers. While he was gone, I could not get a hold of him the second night. He established before he left that he had to be in bed early so that he can make it to the conference that started at 6 am, which I respected.  The second night that he was there, I decided to call him against my better judgment at the time. Our youngest wanted to talk to her father, she would not go to sleep, so I called his room at 11 pm. and his roommate answered and told me that he was not there and neither was he there the whole night before! Long story short, my husband convinced me that I was delusional and overreacting to the entire thing. Our relationship was never the same since then. Since then, there was always this doubt in my mind that something was wrong, but I kept pushing it away. What's most astonishing to me is how he could act as if nothing happened and that I was the crazy one. I ended up in the emergency room after I found a text that his male friend from the conference that did not coincide with his story. It was something about an after-party and dating SMS? I still don't know what that means. His friend was trying to persuade him to bring his SMS. It's hard to understand, but, I believed him when he told me that it was a misunderstanding. After that ER visit, I was put on antidepressants, which seemed to help to a point. I'm still on them, and they seem to take the sting out of my situation until I found the dating sites. 
Today, six months after my ER visit, I don't know what to do, my thoughts that he's with someone one at that exact moment is what gets me 😞 I understand that there is no simple answer and that it will take time or day to day intervals to recover and move on, but I'm only on day three. I have not been eating or sleeping for three days. I go back to the Doc in a few days to up my antidepressants, but I would hate to do that. I'm not a medication type person, it took me weeks to adjust to the meds, and I don't want to go through that again with the increase. 
I have no one to talk to or confide in except for my sister-in-law that seems to be shielding him and faking comforting me into thinking that I am wrong! This is why it is so hard to write this, I have not confided in anyone, even my family, until now. I feel a real sense of embarrassment about my situation at this point and would rather not talk to family about it. I'm simply not ready. This platform is my first step in expressing my thoughts and fears about what's about to come and what has already happened. I would love to hear some helpful objective words right now. 
As of today, he is still in the house, and everything at this point is purely practical. Meaning that we are not together the way a wife and husband should be. We did separate for a couple of weeks until we decided to stay for the time being, for the kids. I agree with this because they were miserable. My youngest 6,  already showing signs of anxiety. During our brief separation, she would wake up crying or persistently ask about her father. My oldest 13, was always mad at me for kicking him out of the house, he does not understand the whole situation, though he does know about the dating sites as he was home when I discovered them. He overheard me, asking my husband. This kills me! It's also the only reason he is in the house now. 
Long story, I know. I just want to feel better and start the healing process alone. How does one move on after a situation like this? I have never felt so lonely and scared in my life 😞 Thank you for reading. 

Hi Ashley! I'm afraid that the best I can offer is to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you, and to recommend marriage counseling. I want you to be able to save your marriage, obviously, but it would require that your husband, as well as yourself, is willing to do it.

The very best to you. I hope you can find a solution.

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