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horrible day


hendricksbrock

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I have had a hard time readjusting to being back at college. I currently am not in therapy and if I'm being honest I would feel bad asking my family to pay for therapy witheverything else we have going on right now, but at the same time I know I cannot afford to pay for therapy on my own. Last year my depression subsided greatly when I began school, but I'm assuming that's because I was a freshman at the time and being busy constantly made things easier for me. However, after this summer, I'm just not sure I can forget or return to life like nothing is wrong. These past few days have been particularly bad, I'm in a new major and my parents had to drop a hefty amount for supplies this year and we haven't even bought my books yet, which are going to cost almost 200$. Where I work has been very mismanaged the past few months and that pressure has fallen on me and other workers, who are also full time students. It's so much work for not a lot of money and little thanks, and that is something I am usually okay with. However last night was a really bad night at work and something happened that caused me to have a panic attack, but I had no choice but to keep working because all my other coworkers slacked off and did no work.  I got off at 10:30 pm and had to come back in at 5:00am. I work very hard and care about my job and love my coworkers, they are what make coming to work so bearable, however this morning a manager publically shamed me and another coworker for being too "jokey," at work, and did so in front of other employees. That same manager implied there might be romance involved which was embarassing for the both of us, especially me, because I do like this person but I do not believe they like me. It was awkward and shameful, and we were told we were no longer allowed to be friendly with each other like that at work. Believe me when I tell you there was nothing inapropriate about the way we were interacting, and by the way, this is a RETAIL job, last time I checked we can converse with one another. I have known this friend for a year and consider him a close friend but after being embarassed by our manager in front of other workers we can barely look at each other. I planned to come home to see my parents with how sad I was feeling, but my friend just told me her roommate is in the hospital with pneumonia, and I spend most my time in her room. My mother has cancer and is getting chemo, and right now her immune system is at an all time low. I can't justify putting her at risk of contracting something that serious for my own selfish reasons. Besides living with OCD is so hard if she did get sick I could never forgive myself. I am already imagining the worse. I feel alone. I feel miserable. I feel hopeless. I feel tired. I just don't know what to do anymore 

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